to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

[JinglyJangly]

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

I'm going to report her for saying I'm nasty

Just kidding

Or am I

Stollen you are so right - let's call it a day here as this is never going to be agreed on....

The Wise Woman would just leave it.

Leave it and meet up tomorrow to exchange some chat and favourite cake recipes. No point everyone getting upset.

Just to add my tuppence to this strange thread, Elizabeth I shouldn't imagine there are many Stag weekends in Stockholm - have you seen the price of beer there???

The Yellow Pages in most cities lists massage parlours (aka brothels) so most literate men would manage that if they so desired, I'm sure.

My DH runs an exhibition in Amsterdam every 2 years, spending a whole week out there entertaining his (mostly male) clients, it would not cross my mind to consider that he would be paying for sex. We have a strong committed relationship

The price of beer in Amsterdam ain't cheap.

I like an earlier post of mine so much, I'm posting it again, so there!:

People always post the "your problem is with your relationship, not Amsterdam/the weekend away/the lad's night out" whenever these types of posts come up. The point is that yes, that might well be the case, but what are we to do about the lack of trust in our relationships? Should we realise that a relationship with a lack of trust in this way is destructive, and end the relationship, or do we accept that perhaps we could have married someone we trust more, but that DH is a great father, a good husband (mostly) and fire fight the problems regarding trust when they arise. This is all op is doing, she isn't asking for advice on how to deal with her lack of trust for her DH or the friends he choses to spend time with, she isn't asking for a lonely planet guide to Amsterdam, she is merely saying; I don't necessarily trust my OH, I don't want him to go to Amsterdam (which like it or not is notorious for being somewhere it is easy to find prostitutes) for a stag do where he is with lots of other men who will intersted in sleeping with prostitutes. How should I handle it?
All you lucky people with men you can trust, fantstic, I envy you, you are lucky, the alternative is unimaginable for you, but in a parallel universe it could have been you posting the op. In a parallel universe it is me posting the "your relationship is the problem, how could you possibly stay with a man you don't trust? I trust my OH implicitly" type reply.

People with fab, trusting relationships are lucky, very lucky, but please appreciate how much it hurts not having this, and try to be sensitive.

oblomov, i am flattered that you have enjoyed my posts

i think whether individual mnetters can trust their dh's is completely irrelevant to whether jj is BU re her dh's trip to amsterdam.

i think exdhsnutsroastingetc (great name btw) has put it well.

i don't feel remotely bullied btw

CloudAtlas - very well said.

I"m sure the money stag parties save on prostitutes they can spend on non-sexist, non-exploitative Swedish beer, ALY.

Client weekends are not the same as stag weekends. Lots of people go to Amsterdam without paying for sex, but I"m not sure that's so true of stag parties.

jj last time I bought a pint of decent Pils type beer in Malmo (not Stockholm) it cost around 50 SEK = £3.80 GBP (Spring this year)

Last time I bought a Pils style pint in Holland (summer) it was equiv to £1.80 GBP - quite a big difference I'd say.

How ridiculous! If a man is inclined to cheat, they can do it anywhere and for free. I have chatted up by married men in my local bar, they don't respect their partners BUT the vast majority of men DO respect their partners and wouldn't dream of being unfaithful, no matter where they were.

Men aren't 3 year old children, driven just because they see a naked lady or a prostitute sitting in a window.

The reason stag dos are popular, is the men can go away, without the other half giving them the evil eye over drinking too much or making a tit of themselves.

Trust should be the basis of all relationships, respect too. Trust and respect that your partner respects you or the relationship is doomed and if one partner feels reined in, they might go over the side. Laying down the law and saying you can't do something is sure fire way of losing a relationship

a lot of men will overdo the booze and weed on these weekends and couldn't get anything up if they tried

I feel sorry for men sometimes, lighten up people and treat them with respect! Poor sods

CloudAtlas - Everybody here understands that OP does not trust her Dh not to sleep around when presented with an opportunity and that is why she is opposed to his intention to visit Amsterdam.

What others are trying to tell her is that opportunity can be found pretty much anywhere, and that tightening the leash on her Dh is not likely to keep him loyal. Not in the long term. And it will likely lead to him resenting her and the tight leash she has on him, and make him want to stray.

There is an underlying issue here which needs to be addressed. True, OP didn't ask for help on this, but people who have cut through the chase and got to the point can hardly be blamed for it.

Ooh goody -- are we going to work our way through the whole thread again post-by-post?

OK, then, what I posted in response to that post the first time, CloudAtlas, was

'I thought the question was "AIBU to be annoyed about him going?"'

And now I check back, that was indeed the question. I think a post along the lines that you mention, posted in Relationships rather than AIBU?, would have got a different response.

The thing is, CloudAtlas, if JJ doesn't trust him because he has a history of being unfaithful then a) she either puts up with it for whatever reason or b) she kicks him out.

If he hasn't been unfaithful then she has to address the fact that it's her own insecurities that make her feel that way and find ways to deal with it. It sounds like her DH isn't going and that may be because, apart from not being that bothered, he also doesn't want her to worry what he's up to when he's gone. He's a saint if he can keep doing that forever though.

So, no she's not being unreasonable to be annoyed if she has trust issues or if he's cheated on her in the past. She is being unreasonable to think that ALL men will cheat given the chance and that other women are stupid for trusting them.

"I feel sorry for men sometimes, lighten up people and treat them with respect! Poor sods"

I feel sorry for the poor women in Amsterdam who are sold by their pimps to men on lads weekends away. What a shit life that must be.

so because there are prostitutes in existance means all men should be treated with contempt??? Just because some men will visit a prostitute, all men are bad??? What twaddle

I know a lot of men (i work in male environment and have mostly male friends) and not one has been to a prostitute and yes they tell me things that would make your mothers hair stand on end, I know they haven't visited one. Some have been unfaithful in other ways, at some point, some are regularly and some have never in their lives been unfaithful. I also know woman and they are the same.

The men that do cheat, (in the pub on a friday night) do so as they aren't happy at home and don't sleep with the wife but wouldn't leave their children or want to lose their homes

I stand by my poor sods comment, I really feel sorry for the way men are seen by some women

I have to agree Elizabeth.

The majority of prostitues are from eastern europe and no doubt pimped & forced into sex.

I just asked my dh what a stag weekend in Amsterdam would entail and he says it does what it says on the tin.

I" know a lot of men (i work in male environment and have mostly male friends) and not one has been to a prostitute and yes they tell me things that would make your mothers hair stand on end, I know they haven't visited one. Some have been unfaithful in other ways, at some point, some are regularly and some have never in their lives been unfaithful. I also know woman and they are the same"

In other words they have or would be unfaithful?

i have just read this entire thread.

it seems to me that those who have to keep repeating 'i trust my dh 100%' in an overly-smug way appear to have far more 'issues' than the op

i would never say my dh was/nt 'allowed' to do something-however,i do have the right to say that i would not accept certain behaviour in a relationship and that if he behaved in that way our relationship would be over.that would include going to strip joints or the like as i am personally against things like that.

as for oblomov's post-
'We have to feel sorry for someone who is so bitter and twisted. who has such low self esteem. And who is in a realtionship that is meaningless, because there is no trust.
1 , 2 , 3 aaaarrrrrrggg - lets all feel REALLY REALLY sorry for sad case Jingly Jangly.

The woman needs help. '

i dont think its JJ who has the self esteem issues here,is it?

not at all, read what I wrote, some have, some have never ever, in all their relationships.... SOME is the key word there!!!!!

And woman are the same, you are either happy and secure and would never cheat, you are in a relationship gone wrong and might, and some would regardless, it's called being different people!

maybe it's not srictly a trust issue alone that's at stake her. it may be how jjs been socialised into thinking about men, through past experiences. Thses in turn have affected her value system (and others) into believing that men can behave if they have the correct rules and strictures imposed on them by responsible females. It wouldn't metter who the man was, men simply cannot be trusted when put into "vulnerable" situations

Without these boundaries men are essentially like children they are driven by their id, their superego dissipates and the poor souls can't control their impulses and inherent most animalistic desires.

I know poeple whi have this schema, I don't I believe it's ridiculous to assume that all men are so weak and easily influenced, some are but as are some women. To openly and personally critisise those who don't hold this beleif system as essentially deluded and unstable is downright rude, attacks our value system and smacks of either jealousy, bitterness or both.

I'm not a devotee of freud by the way, it's just the way that came out!

See I asked my dh about what he'd do on a stag weekend in Amsterdam and he said he'd get stoned and drunk.
Also, talking about stag dos, he went to one in Gloucester where 2 married men (work colleagues of the stag) went off to search for prostitutes in Gloucester - think the gist is, that if a man is going to shag a prostitute he might as well do it over here as over there.