Another football parent calling my son gay boy

[Porkpiesarespicy]

So I guess my AIBU is, do I pull them up on it or just let it go. Week after week they call him gay boy. "Oh there's gay boy I didn't see him" , "well done gay boy good game". You get my gist. I think it's said in jest, but my god it makes my shit itch.
I couldn't give two hoots if he's gay or not as long as he's happy in himself.
Not sure that I would be over reacting to call them out on it next time?? Hence why not I'm here asking you lot...! If so I need help with come backs I'm not quick witted and tend to think oh I should have said after the event.
Also do I call them out or speak to the manager who is friendly with them? Don't want it to be awks but equally want them to know what they are doing is not acceptable (imo anyway)... thoughts please mumsnetters

[2reefsin30knots]

@Porkpiesarespicy

Everyone thinks she's great is why I've not said anything she socialises with the manager and I don't want my sons place put in jeopardy because I've said something if I can't be seen to take a joke. Some of you are making out like I'm not sticking up for him. I have his back but I wasn't sure if I was being over sensitive because 1 it's aimed at my son 2 she was a complete and utter bully at school and 3 I rarely go soo thought I could be making more of the issue than it is. I will 100% call her out on it next week if I don't see her at training and ask to speak with her privately.

This is how abuse takes root in youth sport. Parents don't say anything because they are worried about their kid's spot on the team.

Collectively as parents, we have to not do this.

[PeterPomegranate]

It’s completely unacceptable and it doesn’t matter if the boy is gay, she thinks he’s gay, or is using it because she thinks gay is an insult. All of those possibilities are homophobic.

I am shocked that an adult would talk to a 15 year old child like this.

[2Two]

Everyone thinks she's great is why I've not said anything she socialises with the manager and I don't want my sons place put in jeopardy because I've said something if I can't be seen to take a joke

Put it to him on the basis that you are simply informing him because you are concerned she may get the club reported to the FA.

[Beeziekn33ze]

What does your son think about this? Do any of his team mates call him names? At 15 he deserves to have his opinion heard. He may want this dealt with discreetly or even ignored. However he is old enough to know that what she is doing is wrong and that she should be confronted, preferably by someone in authority. You and/or your son should speak or write to the manager or person with responsibility for child protection. She should be made to apologise and stop acting like a 12 year old.

[NeonTetras]

I would definitely say something to the coach and/or the bigot. What they are doing is wrong on a few levels; 1. It's bullying your son. 2. It's dragging down team morale. 3. It is saying there is something wrong with being gay and a team member who just may be gay may hear it and feel worse about themselves.

[BustedCanOfBiscuits]

Ok, we get it. She intimidating, she's cosy with the coach and you know you should've stopped it the first time you heard her say it. Not doing so gives her permission to carry on. Call the coach by all means but I'd bet the farm he does fuck all.

My kids sail and the way my DD (14) is spoken to as opposed to my DS (16) is fucking shocking, they've both told me coaches, parent "helpers" and other boys think it's part of the "bants" and "that's sailing, she needs to suck it up".

Although her DB won't have it, he's on another boat/race and can't always intervene so she's been given permission to a. tell them all to fuck off (you'd be amazed how she's the one who gets pulled up on her behaviour but not the boys who initiated it) and b. ask them to explain what's so funny. I've taught her to just keep repeating "I don't get it? Why is that funny? No seriously, can you explain to me why you think that's funny?" You should get your son to do the same. I can imagine her response won't exactly be Wildean...

Also, he has a perm?! I'm so intrigued, had no idea that was a thing now. Love it!

[PumpkinPie2016]

Please make sure you send that letter. Also, pull her up on it every single time. Homophobia (which is exactly what this is) is complete unacceptable.

Whether your son is gay or not is irrelevant. It is unacceptable under any circumstances.

Homophobic slurs/abuse can be reported to the police who record them as hate crimes. To be honest, as well as sending the above letter, I would be reporting it to the police. It's appalling.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Does everyone really think she’s great? Maybe they just go along with her in case she picks on their child next.

[Malibuismysecrethome]

Trumpisagit agree a “What did you say” should do it

[Porkpiesarespicy]

@Nutsabouttopic

Has your son heard her. Has he said anything to you
Personally I would ring the welfare officer bypassing the coach. Because of their relationship he may be reluctant to speak to her. I understand your reluctance because unfortunately and unfairly these things can impact on players playing time.
Child bullies don't change they just become adult bullies

She says it to his face he just laughs it off and says she would love my hair it's the best on the pitch he gets a perm every few months so that's where it's all stemmed from

[ilovemydogandmrobama2]

There will be a safeguarding officer for the league, so please contact them.

[Stuckhere2021]

She’s a bloody bully and needs called out. As others have said, do it by email do u have a record - include what she said in quotation marks.

Others might be “friendly” but it could be they are scared of her. It’s hard to go against the alpha male/female in a group setting. Show your son how to stand up to bullies 💪💪💪❤️

[Porkpiesarespicy]

@iklboo

And don't let her try the 'What? It's just a joke. You've got no sense of humour / you're overreacting / a snowflake' bullshit either. Seriously, if she'd have said it about my DS the first time would be the last.

This is why I asked the question because I thought that perhaps I was being like this because it my son and it does go on when I'm not there so maybe I am being over sensitive as no one has said hang on a minute

[Artie30]

@Artie30

Not acceptable and you should speak to manager.

Back when I was growing up it was really common for people to call each other gay or gay boy to gay lord as an insult and no one was really bothered but times have moved on and it's not acceptable!

I've replied and just realised it's not even kids saying it, it's an adult. Wtf. I'm sorry op. Most definitely not acceptable!

[WhereIsMumHiding3]

It's homophobic abuse and none of the coaches should tolerate this . If they don't stop it and give her a warning for 'homophobic abuse' & then ban her from spectating at the club if she continues, then absolutely report to police and report to the governing body for the football teams.

I'd be videoing her in the meantime. Go next time and get your phone camera out subtly to video with sound & include that in the email to the club so she can't deny it

[Beeziekn33ze]

Don’t speak to her privately if avoidable, can you have a friend with you?

[2reefsin30knots]

@BustedCanOfBiscuits

[WhereIsMumHiding3]

Wear a shirt or coat with front pocket so you can sit your phone in it or just hold your phone up generally as if playing on it and hit record as soon as she starts

[EdgeOfTheSky]

I would say “oh, I’ve been meaning to say, can you drop the ‘gay boy’ thing? I dare say it was a joke but time to lay off now”

And then I would say to the coach “just so you know, I have asked xxx to stop calling Ds gay boy. I think it started as a joke but I don’t like it and if it spreads it could get the team reported, which would be a shame”

We have to learn to have our say directly and clearly without is being a row, or a spat, and whilst the coach absolutely should know, why should a volunteer sports coach be the first port of call to ‘report’ a parent? There are other grown ups in the room.

Far more credibility for you to speak up, than go to coach, have coach go to bully woman probably with much eye rolling (because they are having to tackle a friend) saying you have complained about her.

[BuckEmOrf]

P.ease call it out. It's so important.

[ContadoraExplorer]

As her why she is calling him that and, in an inquisitive/not confrontational way, why she thinks it's appropriate. I reckon she'll struggle to justify her disgusting language and people will see her like the dick she is.

[Stuckhere2021]

Ok so maybe he (minor) is laughing it off but she is an adult and using “gay boy” in a derogatory way which is illegal. It’s not like she’s calling him “curly top” or something (which would also be bad coming from an adult) - if I lived near you I’d come down as a stranger and punch her fekn lights out ……disclaimer - all violence is bad so don’t do it, but I detest this type of human 😡

[12LuDo]

Don't feel bad, it's not you who is behaving in this antisocial way. Not everyone is comfortable with confrontation and it's not always easy to guage how bad someone's behaviour is when everyone around them seems to condone it. You did the right thing getting help from others and you will be supporting, not just your son, but also the other kids in his group by speaking out. Good luck

[rainbowstardrops]

What a stupid cow! Definitely call it out

[Hottbutterscotch]

See i would be on remand by now. No one is messing with my kids.

Look her dead in the face and tell her not to speak to your child. Tell her to say nothing to him EVER or there will be a problem.

If he gets thrown off the team he gets thrown off. Better that than the humiliation of a grown woman calling him Gayboy in front of other adults and his peers. He’s laughing it off because he has no other choice does he. I feel enraged for him. Do your job.