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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/10/2021 12:04

Stop pussyfooting around and call him out on it.

Ask him.

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 12:04

I'm sure he is a great father. But hes not a good husband.

You clearly deserve so much better and he just cant give it to you.

KeeG8181 · 22/10/2021 12:04

OP you are very strong, I don't think my mind could cope with this. This man is just constantly bringing chaos to you and you deserve so much more than this from life

NataliaSerene · 22/10/2021 12:05

@Notimeforaname

Am I the only one thats really confused as to why all the checking and detective work is the main topic here ?

I dont understand the running around trying to prove he is lying...to then do what?

This man lies.

And the talk is all about asking the other woman if he is telling the truth..trying to figure out if they have met since...saying op should have taken the phone to work to double check everything..

He tells the lies. He caused this...

You have written the same thing multiple times and don’t seem to be reading what the OP is writing. It’s not helpful. This is someone’s life. You don’t get to dictate what they do or how they feel about something they learned less than 24 hours ago.
Fluffycloudland77 · 22/10/2021 12:06

He can be a good dad and divorced. I always wonder do they want the marriage to continue or do they want the house and all the wife work?

I have a lawyer relative who says female clients focus on keeping their kids and the males focus on keeping the TV. I’m not making that up either. I don’t know how they keep a neutral face when a man’s sitting there saying he wants the tv with surround sound when he’s a parent.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 12:06

@Notimeforaname

*I have not done any Actual detective work. Am at work on MN lol!! This is actually helping me clear my head and see a little bit clearer. It is good to see other perspective. As it stands, am done but i have kids who adore their father cheater or not, he is a good father I cannot fault him on that. So am just seeing other perspectives now and then I will take my time. The problem is if I have a chat with him now I will end up crying and then nothing will be resolved*

Sorry op!! I just get really frustrated when I hear of lovely kind people being lied to and hurt. For no good reason. I hate to see people being treated like crap.

I'm sorry Flowers

Thank you - it is actually good to get people like you who 'reminds' me that lying is not good enough...and then everything else on top. I take everything everyone has said onboard and I know eventually I will have to make a decision on what happens. But I also know that i need to be 100% sure of my decision as it affects other little people.
OP posts:
Itsnotdeep · 22/10/2021 12:06

I think he's probably telling the truth too - he just forgot to delete the contact details.

But I think he probably lied about underplayed the original interaction with her - you don't get a burner phone unless you know you're cheating and hiding something from your wife. If it was just the innocent friendship he maintains, why use a burner phone?

disconnected101 · 22/10/2021 12:07

He tried to explain - I haven't used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home
This makes no sense, he moved into the new office in January, yet he said he found it and someone else must have left it there? As in, he never claimed at the start that it was his own phone?
Then he contradicted himself when you saw OW number on it. So now, oh yes! it IS my old phone. Did he then try to claim that he brought it with him when he moved office, stuck it in the drawer and forgot all about it ever being used by him?
Even if he wasn't in touch with OW again, he has lied to you and tripped himself up right in front of you.
For me, the trust would be gone & no trust = no relationship.

NataliaSerene · 22/10/2021 12:07

@Itsnotdeep

I think he's probably telling the truth too - he just forgot to delete the contact details.

But I think he probably lied about underplayed the original interaction with her - you don't get a burner phone unless you know you're cheating and hiding something from your wife. If it was just the innocent friendship he maintains, why use a burner phone?

Which part do you mean he’s telling the truth about? He said he found a random magic phone in his desk at work.
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 12:09

@Fluffycloudland77

He can be a good dad and divorced. I always wonder do they want the marriage to continue or do they want the house and all the wife work?

I have a lawyer relative who says female clients focus on keeping their kids and the males focus on keeping the TV. I’m not making that up either. I don’t know how they keep a neutral face when a man’s sitting there saying he wants the tv with surround sound when he’s a parent.

It is funny that you should say that - when it first happened my best friend said to me - are you sure he wants to keep the marriage or the lifestyle. We are fortunate enough to have very good jobs, nice house, holidays, cars etc but none of us separately would be able to keep up the same lifestyle. So she did question that
OP posts:
cheeselover2021 · 22/10/2021 12:10

Phone still connected! I called it last night and it rang. It is an EE number

This is not good OP. It dos unfortunately mean the phone has been used until fairly recently.
And lets face it, he bought it 3 years ago when he 'ended' the friendship.

And also, he knew it was his old phone, no way he wouldn't have recognised it. Plus its still active.

So maybe his mum did need a new phone, who knows. The fact he brought it home I think would be one of these:
1.) He genuinely does not use it anymore and his mum does need one
2.) He has bought a new burner phone, so this one can be given to his mum
3.) He wants to keep it and use it at home and came up with that story as to why its in the house in case you come across it again (my mum didn't want it and I forgot to take it back)

He has obviously deleted all history but stupidly forgot about contacts.
He was confident he had deleted everything hence why he was happy to hand it over to you. But the stupid twat forgot contacts.

I wouldn't believe a word coming out of his mouth right now.

Can you call his mum on the pretext of DH mentioned you were looking for a new phone, I have a colleague at work selling one, would you like me to look at it for you and let you know.
That way you'll know if she actually knows anything about a new phone or not.

Also, go home and get it. Don't engage with him, just ask for the phone (and charger) and leave again. Tell work you have a small emergency and just need to pop home (or to the pharmacy or something) and then go back to work.

custardbear · 22/10/2021 12:11

You know the saying -' if you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras'

KeeG8181 · 22/10/2021 12:11

I don't understand why he was giving her money? Imo she is just as bad as him

todaysdilemma · 22/10/2021 12:12

So is he admitting this burner phone is HIS old phone? Or is he saying he just found this in a drawer and it's pure coincidence her number is in there?

If it is his old phone, what did he think had happened to it all these years?? Also WHY did he have this second phone - was it a work phone?

If it isn't his old phone, then I'm very confused why it's ended up in his drawer. Could the OW have put it in there to get him to contact her or mess with him? It seems very far fetched but if you thought she had a screw loose, could sabotage be at all possible?

This has obviously re-opened all the old wounds as well, so I really feel for you. But you deserve answers and the truth so at least you get some closure on what has been going on.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 12:12

@disconnected101 - yes that is right.He took it out of his work bag and sat next to me when he was giving it to me. Once I saw the name, he said he only lied about finding the phone because he didn't want to bring the OW again and cause me pain and misunderstand him. . I was so tired I said I do not want to hear your explanations and lies and walked away.

OP posts:
cheeselover2021 · 22/10/2021 12:18

yes that is right.He took it out of his work bag and sat next to me when he was giving it to me.

He handed you the actual phone he had used to basically cheat on you with? Jesus the arrogance. That alone would do it for me.

And the lie about finding it randomly and not knowing whose it was, he did to protect YOU right? Yeah, ok.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 12:18

@cheeselover2021 - My MIL is 84 years old and she is absolutely lovely so I would not want to involve her. Also it is irrelevant if she needs a phone or not. Even if she needs a phone, it still means he had a phone in use for it to still work.
@KeeG8181 - he gave her nearly £1200 to help her when he partner, which became her ex was being financially abusive and would buy her lunch etc. Said the money was a loan to help her move. We never saw the money again but am not bothered about that it meant they weren't in contact.
@todaysdilemma - yes he did admit that it was his old phone, he just made up the lie so he wouldn't have to explain why he has a burner phone and bring up all this again and cause me to misunderstand apparently.

OP posts:
Whitecushion · 22/10/2021 12:21

People on here are always so quick to tell people to leave. To break up a home, to have the lives of small children messed up. This story is especially tricky. Dont be pushed into doing something by random people on the internet. Its quite easy to get carried away by all the cheer leaders!

bluebeck · 22/10/2021 12:23

It is very suspicious and I would not believe him. It's clearly something shifty else why have a separate phone for their "speshul" contact Angry

And yeah, how come if he hasn't used it in three years, it was still charged, and in the desk in his new office? He is a liar and I would not choose to continue in a relationship with someone I could not trust.

Sorry OP, I think in your shoes I would get lawyered up Flowers

PraiseTheSunshine · 22/10/2021 12:27

I wouldn't trust what he is saying either and as far as I'm aware EE pay as you go sims are disconnected after 6 months of inactivity so if he is claiming not to have used it for 3 years then I'm pretty sure that's impossible if it's still working. Have you tried calling it to see whether the line is still active? If you don't know the number you should be able to find it in the settings, it might vary slightly on each phone but on my phone you can do this by going to settings>system>aboutphone>status>network and you should see the phone number there.

minatrina · 22/10/2021 12:27

Yikes, I'm so sorry OP. Putting myself in your shoes, I could only come to these conclusions; firstly, the phone number is still connected and usable, even if it has no credit. This means it has most definitely been used in the last three years.

Secondly, from what you've said about how he didn't realise that the emotional affair was wrong, I'd certainly be assuming that at least a little more than an emotional affair went down. "Accidental" (Hmm) emotional affairs do not require burner phones.

I'm not going to pass comment on whether you should leave him or not. But you absolutely should get the full from him, and do not let him weasel out of it. The truth is the least you deserve. Don't let him palm you off with rubbish excuses, and don't allow him to refuse to engage with your questioning.

Again, I'm really sorry and sending lots of love Thanks

KeeG8181 · 22/10/2021 12:28

I don't think it's a case of breaking a home up. A good dad doesn't always mean a good husband or partner.

I couldn't live my life with this chaos, constant mental torture of are they aren't they. My heart goes out to you OP he sounds a sly dog.

yeahitsabadidea · 22/10/2021 12:28

@Whitecushion

People on here are always so quick to tell people to leave. To break up a home, to have the lives of small children messed up. This story is especially tricky. Dont be pushed into doing something by random people on the internet. Its quite easy to get carried away by all the cheer leaders!
See I totally agree. I'm not one for shouting LTB.

But it's also not a great idea to stay with a repeated liar and (let's say for arguments sake just an emotional) Cheater for the kids.

What damage will it do them to see their mother wracked with doubt for the rest of her life? Or their father lying to their mother and that being accepted?

Children need their parents to be grounded and happy. The way he has treated the op is shameful. From start to finish. The disrespect for her in continuing to lie even now is abysmal. Im not sure how he can gain her trust ever again.

QuentinBunbury · 22/10/2021 12:29

People on here are always so quick to tell people to leave. To break up a home, to have the lives of small children messed up. This story is especially tricky. Dont be pushed into doing something by random people on the internet. Its quite easy to get carried away by all the cheer leaders!
Do you not think its him that's responsible for any home breaking/children being messed up, on account of being a cheat and a liar?
I hate that people like you advise women to stay in a bad situation and pile on the guilt about "breaking up the home". Its total shit and not helpful to OP at all

todaysdilemma · 22/10/2021 12:33

Ah shit, OP. Tbh the fact he had a burner phone to begin with to contact her would convince me the affair was more than just emotional, sexting at the very least. Also, the fact like a pp said it is still connected means it must have been in use more recently.

Also I'm pretty sure PAYG sims get blocked after more than 6-9 months of activity depending on the provider. Seems to be 6 months for EE.

community.ee.co.uk/t5/SIM-cards/Do-EE-pay-as-you-go-sims-expire/td-p/712017

I would ask him why the sim is still active if it hasn't been used in 3 years. He's either been using the phone or he re-activated it the day he brought it home. He likely deleted all the phone contacts but forgot to delete SIM contacts maybe.

The big issue here still is that he had a burner phone to contact someone who was just a friend. Even if there has been no contact since then, he has lied about the extent of the affair, and they must have been pretty deceitful to also message on his regular phone to show you it was all just friendship chat.