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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
monarchoftheglen · 22/10/2021 12:33

Does the phone itself look old - i.e. could it be 3+ years ago?

If you can find the serial number of the phone you can search for it online and find out when the exact phone was manufactured, if within the past 3 years then you have your answer that he must have used it recently

ClothCatManiac · 22/10/2021 12:35

I have a lawyer relative who says female clients focus on keeping their kids and the males focus on keeping the TV. I’m not making that up either. I don’t know how they keep a neutral face when a man’s sitting there saying he wants the tv with surround sound

Well fuckerty do. My ex partner did actually ask for the telly when we split up (a long time ago).

monarchoftheglen · 22/10/2021 12:35

obviously he could have had a 3+ year old phone and used it recently too, but if it's less than 3 years old then that it one way of seeing if he is lying or not

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 12:35

@monarchoftheglen

Does the phone itself look old - i.e. could it be 3+ years ago?

If you can find the serial number of the phone you can search for it online and find out when the exact phone was manufactured, if within the past 3 years then you have your answer that he must have used it recently

Yes it is an old LG phone - 3 years ago he must have got a second hand cheap one.
OP posts:
minatrina · 22/10/2021 12:36

Couldn't agree more with @yeahitsabadidea

I grew up with a dad who was absolutely incapable of monogamy, and a mum who refused to acknowledge or believe it until I myself presented her with evidence of one of his affairs. It was obvious for years, and the distrust my mum lived with and the disrespect my dad displayed for my mum really affected me and my siblings.

I would have had a much, much happier childhood and a healthier outlook on life if my parents had split up when I was a lot younger.

Still, at least I kept my therapist busy! Wink

I'm not saying that you and your DH are comparable to my parents, OP, but just to consider that splitting up can sometimes be the best choice for your children. Only you can figure out whether that's true for your children! X

todaysdilemma · 22/10/2021 12:37

Enter the number into Whatsapp and check if there's a profile photo or last active status attached to it too.

HollowTalk · 22/10/2021 12:38

This £1,200 he "lent" her - did you know about this at the time he gave it to her or did it come out later?

Hopeisallineed · 22/10/2021 12:42

I’m so sorry OP, but just couldn’t put up with lies. I really hope you find some resolution in this. ☹️

Herewegoagain84 · 22/10/2021 12:42

Isn’t it enough that he tried to make out it was a random phone he had “found”?!

Whitecushion · 22/10/2021 12:43

I'm not telling her not to leave . I'm just suggesting she takes her time. Its a huge step and people are so quick to jump in with leave. Couples can sort things out sometimes. "People like me " suggest thinking time . "People like you" urge a bag packing exercise immediately. Different opinions . Neither wrong or right.

AmyDudley · 22/10/2021 12:45

I found an old phone I hadn't used for about 18months and when I tried to charge it I couldn't - the sim card had been automatically deleted. I'd be wondering how he managed to use it if it hasn't been in regular use.

Orgasmagorical · 22/10/2021 12:45

This reminds me of when my husband took me to have a look at the OW's new house when he knew she wouldn't be in. Maybe they like to see just how much they can get away with.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, whatever it is Flowers

Inertia · 22/10/2021 12:45

He’s obviously lying about something, because the story doesn’t add up.

The million-dollar question is whether you want to spend the time and effort to pick out the lies to decide what you can forgive, or whether you call time on a marriage to a liar irrespective of what the lies are.

SnoopyLights · 22/10/2021 12:46

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

My best guess is that he bought the phone for his emotional (possibly physical) affair and kept it after things ended with the other woman. Perhaps thinking it was a shame to throw a good phone away, perhaps because he was hoping to get more use out of it either with her or someone else in the future.

He's had it lying around somewhere since that point of things ending with them, and when his mother mentioned needing a new one, he had the bright idea of passing this one on because he doesn't need it anymore and why spend money on a new one when he has a good one just lying around not being used?

So he's charged it up and deleted everything he could think of, or possibly put in a new SIM card if he hasn't used it for so long that it was no longer working on his old pay as you go one, and possibly thinking that would clear everything on it for him, and then realised he'd still have to explain how he got hold of a used phone to give to his mother.

So he's come up with a cock and bull story, knowing exactly where the phone is really from, and had the shock of his life when he realised he'd missed the contacts that were still saved to it.

I do think they were more involved back then than he's ever admitted, nobody buys a second phone for a friendship, and I don't think he's going to admit it to you now either. But what's worse is that he's now trying to gaslight you about it.

He didn't want you to 'misunderstand' why he had a secret phone to communicate with just one woman, who has admitted to flirting with him and who took a lot of money from him and who he refused to stop contacting even though he had to change jobs to save your marriage. What is there to misunderstand?

I know he could hardly come home and admit this was his secret affair phone, but to come up with a pack of lies and then once he was immediately caught out, put that on you because you would have misunderstood his need for one is just awful.

JudgementalCactus · 22/10/2021 12:48

@todaysdilemma

Enter the number into Whatsapp and check if there's a profile photo or last active status attached to it too.
Very good idea!
DontWantTheRivalry · 22/10/2021 12:56

I’m so confused…

So he bought the phone home, showed it you, gave it to you, telling you he’d found it at work and didn’t know whose it was?

Why on earth would he do that if he was still using it to contact the OW?

Surely he genuinely forgot the phone was the one he used to use to contact the OW?

If he knew it was the phone he used to call the OW, and was still using it for that purpose then why would he bring it home and give it to you?

Or if he knew it was the phone he’d once used to contact the OW, and now he is completely non-contact, then why would he bring the phone home and show it to you?

Surely he’s just throw it in the bin?

I’ve gone back and re-read the thread about three times but I just can’t find a post that clears up my confusion Grin

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 13:00

he just made up the lie so he wouldn't have to explain why he has a burner phone and bring up all this again and cause me to misunderstand apparently.

ah I've had this one used on me.

''I told the lie so as not to upset you''
how very thoughtful of him.

I've also had, ''I told the lie because you would get angry and I was afraid'' poor chap

And also ''I told the lie because if you found out, you wouldn't keep working on us and I like where we are now '' 😑

Sorry op you sound like a very thoughtful loving person. He sounds like he's constantly covering his own arse to stay comfortable.

ClothCatManiac · 22/10/2021 13:00

You can store contacts on both the SIM and on the phone so perhaps he deleted them off one but didn’t realise they were on the other?

Either way you’re living with someone you can’t trust which is stressful and unpleasant.

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 13:02

DontWantTheRivalry

His mum needs a new phone. He brought it home with the intentions of giving to her so told op he 'found it at work' so as not to bring up his mistakes again.

DontWantTheRivalry · 22/10/2021 13:06

His mum needs a new phone. He brought it home with the intentions of giving to her so told op he 'found it at work' so as not to bring up his mistakes again.

So basically he was just going to give his older phone to his mum, and rather than upset OP by saying it was the phone he’d used three years ago to contact the OW, he said he’d found it at work?

But why involve the OP at all?

Why, if he knew it was the phone he used to contact the OW, did he give it to the OP?

Why did he not just give the phone straight to his mum?

Gingerish · 22/10/2021 13:09

After witnessing my BIL lie oh so convincingly to his wife and his whole family about his 6 year affair I would be very cautious about accepting his explanations.

He also managed to keep it going through lockdown.

He got caught by his reaction to a text he received in front of his wife. She noticed his reaction and it unravelled from there. It took him 3 months to tell her the full truth and only because she had discovered more incriminating evidence.

The phone stuff doesn't add up and you know it. Your intuition is shouting at you. Can you look through his bank statements to see if there is anything there which doesn't add up? Maybe any top ups to the phone or giving her more money?

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 13:13

Why, if he knew it was the phone he used to contact the OW, did he give it to the OP?

I'm guessing op has a relationship with her MIL and would have heard mil saying her son had given her a phone. Thus prompting op to ask where he got a spare phone from? So he was trying to cover his tracks. The dope.

wobblywinelover · 22/10/2021 13:13

This is awful for you OP i'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to be spending your day at work feeling like this, the uncertainty, the anxiety. I think the main thing which I would find most hurtful is the fact that you've been trying to rebuild your marriage and trust in him over the last 3 years after this 'EA' (which almost never is btw) and now you've found out there's been more to it and an extra level of deception has been going on with this second phone. I would resist the temptation to play detective, with what you already know it is enough to make a decision going forward. It all boils down to trust - could you trust him again after knowing this information?

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 22/10/2021 13:14

As others have said op , the trust has gone. You're (understandably) pissed off and unhappy at his behaviour. Again.

Obviously you don't have to make decisions at any pace but your own , and updating this thread is also of little importance to you , but please consider if this is the man you want for life. He lies to you and belittles your upset at his actions. That's not respect.

He really should've sold the phone to music magpie/binned it if he was serious about cutting contact with her. No one really needs a burner phone.

HarrisonStickle · 22/10/2021 13:18

I think the PPs who've said that he did intend to give it to his mum because he had no further use for it are right, he just forgot to delete the contacts.

As to when he last used it, it seems it must have been fairly recently otherwise the number wouldn't be working.

Was it an emotional affair or a physical affair? I'd say physical, and one that went on longer than you know. But if he's not using the phone anymore, it must be over, although how long for is unknown.

He seems like a person who thinks they're smart but are actually a bit stupid. Which is how you found out about it in the first place.

For all the lies alone I'd end it if it were me.

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