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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 11:46

@DrSbaitso - Then I would see him. He is WFH today - every Friday he WFH.
@Namechangedforthethousandthtim - i have never contacted the OW and i do not really want to. I find it embarrassing. I am same as you , confused as to why he would sit next to me on the settee and look at the phone and give it to me. I didn't take it, just said look at the call log and ring someone, he said empty so i said go on contacts, which he did and then I saw his face as he stood up to go make tea. I quickly looked at the screen and I saw 2 contacts Anna1 and Anna 2

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 22/10/2021 11:49

Does she know your number?

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 22/10/2021 11:49

He does lie to her. But for her own peace of mind she probably needs answers! She obviously loves him if she's stuck with him despite his a) being a bit dim and b) having an 'emotional' affair. So it's not that easy to be like "You lied to me so I'm out of here."

If she finds out for sure that he's had a physical affair, and recently too, then it will be easier for her to walk away. Not knowing will be torture.

SunshineCake1 · 22/10/2021 11:50

I'm so sorry you are going through all this but while it doesn't look great I would say that once a cheater does not mean they will do it again. Really unhelpful and stupid to say that.

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 11:50

OP how long do you want to go over and over this. He lies,to you.
That's it. He lied to you back then and he still lies to you now.

He cares only for himself and his comfort levels. He does not respect you.

ravenmum · 22/10/2021 11:50

Deleting contacts is the first thing you'd do, though, even if you were a really stupid cheat?
And if you turned the phone on and saw the contacts list, you'd surely remember at that point that you hadn't deleted it. You wouldn't open the contacts list in front of your partner. Surely?

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 11:50

@SunshineCake1

Does she know your number?
She emailed my work email. I work for a very big company in a very senior role, my email is listed in the company website
OP posts:
Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 22/10/2021 11:52

Gosh OP. What a horrible situation for you. At least if you were sure it would be awful but you could make some decisions! Is there any period of time in the past couple of years that you can think of when he COULD have met her? Any work trips or nights out or whatever?

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 11:53

@ravenmum

Deleting contacts is the first thing you'd do, though, even if you were a really stupid cheat? And if you turned the phone on and saw the contacts list, you'd surely remember at that point that you hadn't deleted it. You wouldn't open the contacts list in front of your partner. Surely?
I think may be when he moved office in Jan - he may have deleted everything but not the contacts and forgot that he didn't. He may have seen it again when he went back full time 2 weeks ago and thought he had reset the phone and didn't realise that he didn't delete contacts. ...wishful thinking I know. Although am just looking at possible scenarios - not that I believe a word he says.
OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 22/10/2021 11:55

So she will know it is you ringing her ?

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 11:55

Do you have a plan ?

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 11:55

@Namechangedforthethousandthtim

Gosh OP. What a horrible situation for you. At least if you were sure it would be awful but you could make some decisions! Is there any period of time in the past couple of years that you can think of when he COULD have met her? Any work trips or nights out or whatever?
I honestly cannot think of any - although it is quite possible. He has been working from home, usually calls me around 9 if i do school drop off just a quick chat about kids getting to school ok, then around lunch time and then at pick up he would get kids to call me from car. But when he is in meetings, then no calls - could have popped out who knows!
OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 11:55

So she will know it is you ringing her ? she rang her husbands phone. Not the woman

ravenmum · 22/10/2021 11:55

Oh yes, that would make more sense, if he'd wiped it ages ago.

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 11:57

OP what are you still trying to do detective work ?

He tells you lies,to your face.

You accept it or you dont.
You're tormenting yourself.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 11:57

@SunshineCake1

So she will know it is you ringing her ?
Not sure she has my number but she may well have - if they were having an affair he may have given her and said 'Do not answer this number ever'...
OP posts:
Luckytattie · 22/10/2021 11:58

You say he moved jobs so how was the phone in his new workplace?

Dontbeme · 22/10/2021 11:58

This was me a few years ago, he had an "emotional" affair with a coworker, we agreed to work on things, he swore he was being honest, four years later she showed up at our house demanding to know why he was not answering her calls or messages, she came back the next day to confront me, for some reason. In the meantime I went full detective and discovered he was also visiting prostitutes. You can't trust this type OP, if they told you it was raining you would have to look out the window to check if they are being honest. Mine played the "too stupid to get away with it" routine too, but they are not stupid they are arrogant, so arrogant that their spouse will stay and believe them. Mine was so arrogant that his password on his secret phone was my birthday, this was a man who would always "forget" my birthday. They are cruel thrill seekers, it's all one big game to them, how much they can get away with, how many lies they can get people to believe, I ended up with PTSD from this and childhood abuse. My advice run.

SunshineCake1 · 22/10/2021 11:58

I thought you'd phoned her phone from your phone?

LittleMysSister · 22/10/2021 11:58

OP I do think you need to talk to him, at the very least about why he chose to come home with this elaborate story about the phone??!

I can't get my head around what he was thinking to do that. He needs to explain why he made a massive show about having found the phone when he clearly knew it was his all along. Why even tell you about it?

Ask him.

Practicebeingpatient · 22/10/2021 11:58

[quote Hopeisallineed]@Amisillyornot maybe he wanted you to find out his ‘emotional affair’ is not truly over? Easy than telling you?[/quote]
I don't think it is on again but he is playing games with you.

FWIW I would guess that the contact with OW is over and done with but he is missing the excitement and drama that goes hand in hand with an illicit relationship so he bought the phone home as a remainder of those times and to inject some intrigue and excitement into your life. He probably liked you feeling jealous before and wanted to stir that up again too.

That was a cruel thing to do. It's not the action of a man who regrets his past and is trying to make amends. I would be seriously considering my future with him.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 11:59

@Notimeforaname

OP what are you still trying to do detective work ?

He tells you lies,to your face.

You accept it or you dont.
You're tormenting yourself.

I have not done any Actual detective work. Am at work on MN lol!! This is actually helping me clear my head and see a little bit clearer. It is good to see other perspective. As it stands, am done but i have kids who adore their father cheater or not, he is a good father I cannot fault him on that. So am just seeing other perspectives now and then I will take my time. The problem is if I have a chat with him now I will end up crying and then nothing will be resolved.
OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 12:02

Am I the only one thats really confused as to why all the checking and detective work is the main topic here ?

I dont understand the running around trying to prove he is lying...to then do what?

This man lies.

And the talk is all about asking the other woman if he is telling the truth..trying to figure out if they have met since...saying op should have taken the phone to work to double check everything..

He tells the lies. He caused this...

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 12:02

@SunshineCake1

I thought you'd phoned her phone from your phone?
No last night I used my phone to call the burner phone because I couldn't use the burner phone to call me to get the number as there was not enough credit it said.
OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 12:03

I have not done any Actual detective work. Am at work on MN lol!!
This is actually helping me clear my head and see a little bit clearer.
It is good to see other perspective.
As it stands, am done but i have kids who adore their father cheater or not, he is a good father I cannot fault him on that.
So am just seeing other perspectives now and then I will take my time.
The problem is if I have a chat with him now I will end up crying and then nothing will be resolved

Sorry op!! I just get really frustrated when I hear of lovely kind people being lied to and hurt. For no good reason. I hate to see people being treated like crap.

I'm sorry Flowers