Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

[Amisillyornot]

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

@Amisillyornot
Phone still connected! I called it last night and it rang. It is an EE number**

It will be interesting to see if the OW sees the missed call and rings back ....

@Amisillyornot

Phone still connected! I called it last night and it rang. It is an EE number

I use pay as you go phone and you need to top it up at least once in a 6 month period for the number to still be active. I'd be surprised if a number was still connected to a phone sitting obsolete for 3 years. Sorry OP x

I think pp have said this, have you called the burner phone number?

I only know this through having DS phone, that we confiscated. If no calls/activity etc happens in 6 months, they make the number redundant.

Call it. And if you get a "number not in service" type message he's not used it for at least 6m, if it rings, he's 100% lying.

In the bigger picture though, you can't trust him anyway.

I should have taken the phone and bring it to work with me. I am so stupid!!!

It doesn't really matter exactly why he had the phone. Whether it was to continue after you found out, or whether it was to use for more explicit messaging he didn't want connected to his usual phone (careful cheats don't even trust their AP with traceable evidence) There is no explanation for it that doesn't make the situation worse than it appeared. You need to decide in light of that whether you can continue. I don't see the point in conversation with him at this point as I don't know what he could say that could change that fact.

Ah sorry. Cross post. He's used it then.

He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea

OP, is it possible he truly forgot he had the phone and thought it was someone else's he found? Because why else would he go through the contacts, in front of you, if he knew the phone was his? The first thing you'd do, is delete the contacts, right? He didn't do that.

Because he thought he FOUND a phone. He FORGOT it was his old one.

It doesn't sound like the affair is still happening. It sounds like he thought he found a phone and realised it was his phone when he saw her number. It sounds innocent to me. And I suspect every man and am the first to say LTB!!

@Amisillyornot

I should have taken the phone and bring it to work with me. I am so stupid!!!

Go home for an early lunch?

OP even if it is a top up phone he will have to be topping it up under a myEE log in.
You could call his bluff with an ultimatum that you demand he logs in to this to show you the call history

From EE website
You can see up to the last 30 days of your usage in your MyEE under "See Itemised Usage". Or look in your Phone Logs.

Weird. Sorry, haven't read the entire thread, but could the OW have left it in his drawer for him to find, giving him her new number without him realising until he started it up?

Im not sure if this has been pointed put yet as admittedly havent read all the responses but PAYG sim cards also shut down and go inactive if not used within a year. Id try get the number and google it also see what it comes up on

From EE to question how to keep PAYG active

To save the SIM going into hibernation due to lack of use, just remember within every 179 days (~ 6 months) to make a chargeable action like making a chargeable call or text, topping up or buying a Pack or Add-on, not just using your mins, texts or data from any Pack or Add-on you might have.

This means he has done something with it in the last 6 months

Gosh men really do think women are dense

@ravenmum

Weird. Sorry, haven't read the entire thread, but could the OW have left it in his drawer for him to find, giving him her new number without him realising until he started it up?

The phone in drawer thing is likely a lie. He’s been in the office at least periodically over the past 18 months. He said he stopped talking to her 3 years ago. So he didn’t forget this phone, just decided to repurpose it and lied about it’s origin to his wife.

And it’s active. So it’s been used in the last 6 months. He’s deceitful.

But WHY would you investigate more?

1. he had a phone with OW number in it
2. he used it recently as it still works
3. he wants it in the house as he bought it home

These are facts. I don't see what more evidence is going to add. He's a liar and he broke his promise to you.

@Amisillyornot

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW. Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone. I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

after 3 years i would have thought the battery would have been dead, that should have set alarm bells going off seems very odd.

and if he hasnt been in contact with her then he wont mind if you ring 1471 on the phone then will he as that will tell you when it last recieved a call and from whom and i would even return that call and say nothing, til someone spoke,

OK.

FIRST, I thought it might be innocent. I thought "Why would he show you the phone if he had been up to no good?"

But then I thought... Hang on a minute. He had a secret phone! HE HAD A SECRET PHONE and you STILL believe he wasn't having a real affair with her?

Friends don't have secret phones to stay in touch with friends. People have secret phones for two reasons: to sell drugs, or to arrange meet ups with lovers.

I also think he wouldn't hold onto it for three years and not use it and then suddenly one day decide to give it to his mum? Why now? Why did he never get rid of it or give it to his mum before? He even had the charger with him???

But then... Why DID he show you if he was up to no good? I keep coming back to that and thinking it's innocent again. I'm so confused!

At best, it's very suspicious!

should have taken the phone and bring it to work with me. I am so stupid!!!

No no..this is stupid.

All the checking up.. saying you should have been a better detective and taken the phone.

Jesus christ woman. Raise your standards.

Youd swear this was your son or something.
Is that what you want your life to be ???

Having to go out of your way (and your mind) to check ..to expose his lies??

He lies to you.

What you running around after him for ?????

The thing I think is most likely is that he isn't having an affair now, but in the past it's quire likely that he was. And not just an emotional one or no need for the secret phone, surely?

This is really bothering me! Can you ask the potential other woman?

He brought the phone when he blocked her on his real phone, thats why he 'suddenly changed his mind and decided family was more important'

Something has happened, she's met someone or called it off, and that's why he's brought it home, but all the things in the post about it having to be used within 6 months.

Sorry you're going through this 💐

I'm sorry for so many posts, but another thing that just occured to me is that if a phone had just been lying unused in a drawer for three years, it probably wouldn't turn on even when charged? I've found old phones before (of my own) that were totally dead when I tried to charge them up because they'd not been used for so long I guess the battery had just died?

Can you ask the potential other woman?
Dont do this. Its sad and cringy.

He lies to you... him. He does it.
Stop being a detective. Have some standards and self respect.

Because he thought he FOUND a phone. He FORGOT it was his old one.

And found the charger it needed. It's been used in the last 6 months as the number is still active.

He forgot nothing.

Who pissed on your chips @ImUninsultable ??
The OP stated twice before my post that she had tried to ring her own phone from it. Potentially to obtain the number of the phone

@user1471604848

I think what happened is that his mum wanted a phone, and he knew he had his old burner phone.

He recharged it, wiped it of data (forgot to wipe contacts), and came home to you with his made-up story of just "discovering" it in his desk.
Then when he saw he had messed up and hadn't deleted contacts, his face was "oh shit!".

I'd believe him that he hasn't used it recently to contact the OW, but he's still definitely lying.

There's no way you wouldn't recognize your old phone from a couple of years ago, if you found it in your own desk!
Also, if it genuinely was a phone from someone at work, why would he be planning to give it to his mum - surely he'd hand it into Security in the office.

I think this is exactly what has happened.

None of this matters. He lies to you. And tells lies on top of lies when he's telling you he's truthful. It's sad. How can you stay with that.