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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
themadcatparade · 23/10/2021 20:50

I think he’s been hiding things for definite now with that reaction, it’s an extreme reaction OP for something so innocent.

I’m sorry you are going through all this. You deserve better. I hope you are safe and I’m wishing you and your children the best Flowers

LovelyLupins · 23/10/2021 20:56

Hope you’re ok. We’re all here for you.

Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 20:57

Thanks everyone for your messages
He's quiet now watching TV. Am not talking. A friend came to drop something, he acted like nothing happened and talking nicely
@KeziaOAP..no idea if OW gave the phone but swore blind he didn't buy it.
Said he didn't contact the OW since he moved jobs..swore on MIL head (poor her).
We've got a spa break booked mid November...am gonna cancel it now.
Am thinking of moving my stuff to spare room until i figure things out exactly what to do as things will take time.

OP posts:
cheeselover2021 · 23/10/2021 21:19

So he’s still saying he found a random phone in his desk at work of a new job that just happened to have the OW numbers in it. And nothing else.
And he brought it home no less instead of handing it in at work.
What are the chances!
I’m so sorry OP. This must be hell for you.
Take a friend on the spa break.

Hulahoopla · 23/10/2021 21:24

Never used it but installed whatsapp .. as you do. and you’re causing drama ? Ok. I’d be sorting my divorce papers . He sounds like a jerk

ShowMeTheSugar · 23/10/2021 21:53

Im trying to summarise for myself here.
The EA ended in Nov 2018
He moved offices in early 2019
The data start date shows as May 2019
Whatsapp, whether just installed or installed and used was April of this year.

And yet he expects you to believe he just got/found this phone. Never used it for any nefarious purpose, can't explain why her number is on it and if you're unhappy about this you're nasty and causing drama? Is he an absolute idiot?

I'm really sorry you're in this position, he's obviously lying though I doubt you'll ever know to what extent. Take your time thinking about your next steps Flowers

NeverChange · 23/10/2021 22:03

I hope you're ok.

You deserve better than this on both counts.

redastherose · 23/10/2021 22:08

So sorry you are going through this. Please don't back down to his threats and anger. That actually shows that he knows he is in the wrong absolutely the bluster and shouting is to deflect against his behaviour. If he won't leave and is using his anger to make you back down you really need to get some space so you can think clearly about what you want. I'd bet that your life without him would be better in the long run. Living with the knowledge that not only did he cheat on you and give your money away to the OW (and no man gives away £1,200 without getting more than a bit of phone sex out of it) but that he has lied about it consistently for years and has the absolute effrontery to get angry about you being upset about this. He doesn't care enough about your feelings to understand the damage he did and he is even upset about you calling him out on his actions because now at this point in time presumably it's all over with her in his mind.

Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 22:13

Of course he's happy now you've stopped talking, you've silenced yourself to stop him becoming any angrier.

He's clearly thinking his outburst has worked.

I agree though, communicating is pointless with him, dangerous and full of lies.

He's a bad man.

girlmom21 · 23/10/2021 22:17

Sorry if I've missed this but has he said we he had her numbers saved in this burner if he's never used it?

girlmom21 · 23/10/2021 22:17

*why

Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 22:41

Thank you for all the supportive messages you are all amazing!
@girlmom21- no he didn't say why. He said he was given the phone. Didnt say by who...said he hasn't used it since moving to new job..am assuming he had it since old job and OW number was in it. But I know it is a lie as many PP have said sim would ve locked if not used in over 6 months.
Oh and he said that it's a really good phone and was switched off and the phone remained charged all this time..he must really think am an idiot.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 22:52

Is it a smartphone op?

FoxgloveSummers · 23/10/2021 23:11

Just a heads up he’s doubtless using this silent time to come up with a better explanation, perhaps admit a bit more. So be ready for more shocks/lies. 😣 strength to you

TheEvilPea · 23/10/2021 23:48

@Amisillyornot

Thanks everyone for your messages He's quiet now watching TV. Am not talking. A friend came to drop something, he acted like nothing happened and talking nicely *@KeziaOAP*..no idea if OW gave the phone but swore blind he didn't buy it. Said he didn't contact the OW since he moved jobs..swore on MIL head (poor her). We've got a spa break booked mid November...am gonna cancel it now. Am thinking of moving my stuff to spare room until i figure things out exactly what to do as things will take time.
Fucking hell OP. What a dickhead. Just leave! I'd leave for so much less than this. Don't let him continue to treat you like this; even in the face of all of this and you asking him to be honest he is still lying and not even plausible lies. It's insulting to you. I genuinely have no idea why you'd want to stay there. I'd be off to a hotel and then looking for my own house and filing divorce papers. Life as a single woman is much less miserable than this I promise you!!
TheEvilPea · 23/10/2021 23:54

@Amisillyornot

Nothing went as planned in my head. He started shouting and swearint. Saying I live drama, this time he's done nothing wrong. I said i will take my time and decide what i want to do and that he should leave for a few days as i need some spacs. Said he isn't going anywhere..i am nasty and i should go and kill myself I started crying and that's the end.
Just read this. WTAF? Yeah he says to kill yourself so it gets rid of the messy divorce issue and splitting assets. How fucking dare he? To think you'd kill yourself over such an idiot.

Seriously OP, he is not worth your time. It's painful to realise this when you have spent many years with someone but I'm afraid you are wasting time and energy here. There is no way to fix this. You cannot ever trust him. He is a liar and emotionally abusive and coercive. Why would you want to stay in a relationship like that? Just walk away and start real life again.

FuckYouCorona · 24/10/2021 00:52

I'm so sorry OP. Please take care, he could easily turn violent now he's shown his true colours. Flowers

Dasher789 · 24/10/2021 01:19

Sorry that you are having to go through this op Flowers

BorderlineHappy · 24/10/2021 08:48

It's the disrespect of bringing that phone home in the first place.
Thinking he was so clever.
And giving it to his dm for the added thrill,what a dickhead.

I just thought, would he have bought another phone to use for the ow,that's why he's giving the other one away

RantyAunty · 24/10/2021 09:10

Of course he's lying
Textbook Script

Another thing, he can't have much respect for women when he thinks it's ok to give his own mother an old phone he used, to have an affair with. He's cashed up. He could easily buy his mum a nice new phone.

Hopeisallineed · 24/10/2021 09:12

Sending love and support this morning. Hope you are feeling more centred. 💕

TwinsandTrifle · 24/10/2021 09:21

Oh and he said that it's a really good phone and was switched off and the phone remained charged all this time

Tell him he needs to speak to all major phone providers about this. He's got the holy grail of phones that remains fully charged for 3 years. My brand new phone is out of battery in a measly 36 hours. His magic phone is literally worth billions.

What a fucking tool he is, and to say it to your face.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I hope you're ok, or as ok as you can be at the moment. It will get better. Flowers

Amisillyornot · 24/10/2021 09:23

Good morning everyone
Been up since 4 am with a headache.
Just came downstairs and he is making arrangements with the gardener to come and sort out garden before winter.
Its bizarre how he's talking to people all nicey nice and then when alone huff and puff.

OP posts:
GreekTragedy · 24/10/2021 09:29

Oh I understand what you're going through.

I found evidence of my ex's affairs. And I kept digging and digging for more evidence. Until I thought, no more! I don't need more evidence in fact I don't need any evidence.

I know he's a lying gaslighting prick. I don't need to show proof to him or to his parents or to anyone! I know and that's enough.

You don't need anymore evidence, you don't need to see the messages or proof that he shagged her (he did).

What he's done, telling you to kill yourself, having a burner phone, is more than enough to end a relationship.

You sound like the scales have fallen from your eyes and you can see him for the dick he is. Good. Remember that feeling.

When he realises you're serious and he's about to lose everything, his whole attitude will change. Crying, begging and probably threatening to commit suicide himself.

His behaviour will probably range from being angry and abusive, sending awful texts, to crying and weeping.

But whatever lie he tells you, post on here.

I wish I'd done the same thing on mumnset. Instead I wrote it all down on my phone. Every single lie he told me. At one point it was several a day.

Then next he said I was a psycho bitch, it was all in my head, I could look at my notes and the dates and be reassured I wasn't going mad!

I feel for you OP, your emotions are going to be rollercoaster for the next couple of years. Be strong. You deserve better.

Amisillyornot · 24/10/2021 09:40

@GreekTragedy am sorry you went through this. Hope you are in a better place now.
Am holding onto the fact that he told me to kill myself ..that was the turning point for me.
Been trying to call my parents yesterday but not got through to her. They are both retired and are visiting my sister in Australia. They won't be back till March. They have a house there. My other sister is in Canada! I don't really want to stress them as there's not much they can do from so far. I know if i speak to my parents they will insist on coming back early.

OP posts: