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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 24/10/2021 09:44

I think they’d want to know, if it was your kids you’d want to know.

TopEndChops · 24/10/2021 09:53

I know its neither here nor there given everything else but it is quite feasible that a powered off phone would remain charged. I have just switched on my old Samsung phone that I last used in October 2020 and it still has 93% battery.

Amisillyornot · 24/10/2021 09:56

@TopEndChops

I know its neither here nor there given everything else but it is quite feasible that a powered off phone would remain charged. I have just switched on my old Samsung phone that I last used in October 2020 and it still has 93% battery.
Really? That's good to know..although it changes nothing because I am done excusing his behaviour. Still am surprised that a phone stayed charhed for a whole year! Was there a sim in there and if yes does it still work.
OP posts:
30mph · 24/10/2021 10:09

You don't necessarily need a sim if you have access to wifi.

TopEndChops · 24/10/2021 10:20

Yes it has a sim. If I call it nothing happens but I'm not sure if that's because it was on contract and that has now ended. I'm not great with phone technology either.

GreekTragedy · 24/10/2021 10:32

amis I'm fine now thanks for asking

Took nearly 6 years to get over. Although we'd been together 20 years and I only found out in the last year of being together that he'd been shagging other women all through the 20 years.

But now I genuinely don't give a shit about him, in fact I do feel sorry for him. He threw away everything and he's certainly not happy now, he'd come back tomorrow if he could!

Lollyneenah · 24/10/2021 10:54

Definitely a case of 'know thy enemy' here OP. You're best off stopping the talking and questioning. Let him believe that you are having a little strop.
You know now how vicious he can be when he is backed into a corner, so my advice would be to take things very quietly and carefully in the direction of leaving his saddo arse.
Are you okay money wise? Do you have access to your own money?

WayneBruce · 24/10/2021 10:59

I know a fella at work who did similar to your DH. Got to the point where him and OW got a flat, paid deposit etc. OW then got cold feet so DH carried on his life. Neither moved into the flat and the DH hadnt actually 'left' his wife. The wife never knew the rug was about to be pulled from under her. He carried on holding a touch for OW until spring this year, until OW became pregnant by someone else.

For whatever reason, your DH kept the phone and had the gall to then pass it onto his mother when he decided it had no further use!

Amisillyornot · 24/10/2021 11:02

@Lollyneenah
Thanks..am keeping quiet and staying with the kids mostly.
Moneywise..I earn well but obviously things will have to change. Kids clubs etc may have to stop some of them depending how he will be with giving money. And may have to go back to renting a smaller house in a different area as wont be able to afford living in same area, it is expensive....so much to think about.

OP posts:
Amisillyornot · 24/10/2021 11:07

@WayneBruce that's awful.
May be OW has had enough of being the OW. I know my husband would have to be extremely in love with OW to actually leave and go be with her. With the EA /affair, i did say I was done and he should leave and be with her and he can see kids as I will not use my kids as a weapon against him but he categorically refused to move. Even now he refuses to move...so tbh she may have ended it now or he may have ended it ages ago but it would take a lot for him to actually leave.
He likes the status of the 'happily married man with a family, lovely kids, friends etc'. Everyone thinks he is amazing, always telling my friends how lucky he is to be married to me blah blah...

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 24/10/2021 17:19

@Amisillyornot could you and the kids live in your parents home until they come back in March, it would be a familiar surroundings for the kids and give you financial breathing space to save and time to find a suitable new home. I hope you're okay and have friends nearby for support. He is a shit for doing this to you and the kids.

RealBecca · 24/10/2021 18:51

Phones for work purposes need to be checked out/returned as they are owned by employer.

Onthedunes · 24/10/2021 19:10

@RealBecca

Phones for work purposes need to be checked out/returned as they are owned by employer.
I bet your really on the ball as an employee. Grin
Needhelp101 · 24/10/2021 19:15

OP, I really recommend you have a read of the Chumplady website and book. It'll explain a lot.
As previous posters have said, keep your powder dry. Flowers

Mintyt · 24/10/2021 19:43

Do you think she may have given him the phone all that time ago

WTF475878237NC · 24/10/2021 22:38

Sorry things didn't go to plan yesterday. I think he's angry because he hasn't managed to lie to you about "finding a phone" and get away with it. People often get angry when caught in lies. Don't lose sight of who created this drama as he puts it. You didn't cheat.

whynotwhatknot · 25/10/2021 12:55

Hi op

is there anyway you can stay in your parents place just while theyre away-hes going to pretend nothing is wrong or minimise it to others

Amisillyornot · 25/10/2021 13:04

Hello everyone
Quick update as in work today.

He did a 360 yesterday (not in admitting what he did wrong but behaviour)
I had a good day with the kids baking and making halloween things. He was watching football.
Afterwards he started making me tea and offering cake etc. I ignored and politely said no thanks when kids were around.
I went to sleep in spare room again. He came and asked that I come back to the bedroom, I said no thanks. He got into bed in spare room, I went to another spare room, he followed me and smiling like it was funny. I got fed up went downstairs to watch TV with a duvet and slept on the sofa. He came to watch TV with me and then realised I was not budging so went to sleep.
This morning he called me and I didnt answer. (He is home with the kids). He sent me a text saying he is taking kids out for lunch and will bring me something soon. I didnt answer.

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 25/10/2021 13:14

What a knob
Are you telling him it's over or are you thinking you can work stuff out?

Amisillyornot · 25/10/2021 13:27

@QuentinBunbury - I already told him it was over. I told him that telling me to kill myself was the lowest of the low but he seems to think I am not serious.

OP posts:
Derbee · 25/10/2021 14:08

You need to proceed with divorce and he’ll get the picture eventually. My friends husband was refusing to take her seriously. Even when the divorce papers arrived, he bought her flowers and said he hoped they could “have a chat”. She just carried on with the process, and he eventually moved out when they sold the house. He might just ignore the signs, and be in denial, but that doesn’t mean you need to stay

TheGirlCat · 25/10/2021 15:00

@Amisillyornot

Hello everyone Quick update as in work today.

He did a 360 yesterday (not in admitting what he did wrong but behaviour)
I had a good day with the kids baking and making halloween things. He was watching football.
Afterwards he started making me tea and offering cake etc. I ignored and politely said no thanks when kids were around.
I went to sleep in spare room again. He came and asked that I come back to the bedroom, I said no thanks. He got into bed in spare room, I went to another spare room, he followed me and smiling like it was funny. I got fed up went downstairs to watch TV with a duvet and slept on the sofa. He came to watch TV with me and then realised I was not budging so went to sleep.
This morning he called me and I didnt answer. (He is home with the kids). He sent me a text saying he is taking kids out for lunch and will bring me something soon. I didnt answer.

Wow, OP that is terrible. I would tell him that by him following you around like that he is being intimidating and bullying, and it's even furthered your resolve to leave him and proves your decision is correct.
Hulahoopla · 25/10/2021 15:14

What weird behaviour

SunshineCake1 · 25/10/2021 15:30

That is so creepy him following you around. Feel very much like reminding you he is in charge, can do what he wants. I am worried for your safety tbh.

greensunnyday · 25/10/2021 16:29

I think having a phone with only the other woman's name in is enough reason to leave regardless of whether they'd been in contact. Who does that?!
Lying about it just shows you he is still comfortable telling you lies.
His behaviour since then only confirms he isn't a good person.
You really don't need to stay with someone like that. Your kids will be fine as long as you both maintain civility and don't bad mouth each other. You don't need to stay married with someone who clearly can't be trusted (he has lied regardless of whether he has cheated).
Good luck OP.

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