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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 25/10/2021 20:38

No response is a powerful response, but he obviously needs telling. Following you to bed when you've made it clear he isn't welcome is completely unacceptable. I don't think you're necessarily in danger of him attacking you, but it's still a sign that he doesn't think he has to accept it when you say no.

If you've made your decision, I agree with PPs that moving it along is the only communication he'll understand.

NumberTheory · 25/10/2021 21:05

It sounds like he has no idea how badly hurt you were by his affair, how thin a thread your trust was hanging by, and how much he has shown his hand from that time by bringing the phone home - even if everything he (now) says about its existence is true.

The getting into bed with you (twice) when you have deliberately moved so as to not share a bed with him is sexually abusive. You haven't really said what you think of these actions (though they are obviously unwelcome). I would just urge you not to minimise them - that is pretty bad boundary breaking, a step further and it would be clear cut, criminal sexual assault (what he did could be argued to be). It's an indication he does not really see you as having the right to your own opinion on what is happening between the two of you.

Frankie20018 · 25/10/2021 21:37

OP if you open google maps on his real phone and click on his initial in the top right corner then go to location history you can see his location every minute of every day he's had that google account. You can scroll back and see if he has always been where be said he's been even three years ago. I'm so sorry. I've been there x

TeeBee · 25/10/2021 22:12

God, he sounds more and more vile with each post.

Onthedunes · 25/10/2021 22:57

He's not taking you seriously, he controlled you before, thinks he can do the same again.

Unless there is any truth, do not acknowledge him.

Justilou1 · 26/10/2021 00:10

Please diarise all of this. It’s subtle, but still abusive and semi-threatening.

Swizzel · 26/10/2021 01:10

So sorry you're going through this OP. Stay strong and don't let him twist things, trust your own feelings.

I saw that earlier in the thread you mentioned the phone had an EE PAYG sim, and you were able to ring it, so the number is still active. If it hasn't already been posted, here is some info about how EE sims work:

EE PAYG SIMs are deactivated after 6 months of non-use. You then have a further 3 months to call EE to reactivate it before it is lost completely. You need to make a chargeable action like making a chargeable call or text, topping up or buying a Pack or Add-on, not just using your mins, texts or data from your pack

Justilou1 · 26/10/2021 04:10

Well that’s the info you need to know for sure that his pants are definitely on fire, @Amisillyornot. I’m so sorry.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 27/10/2021 08:00

Well done op, I've just seen your last post.

As I mentioned previously I'd been through similar with my now exdh. It took me 3 years to leave, I left after finding out something similar 3 years after discovering the EA (turns out it wasn't quite as E as I thought, more Physical). But anyway, once I'd made my mind up to leave and then did leave the relief was amazing, I stopped obsessing over the ow, stopped questioning myself, and him, I actually also stopped caring about not knowing the whole truth, it was an incredible feeling that I didn't actually care about him at all.

MyOtherProfile · 27/10/2021 08:25

I can see how him telling you to kill yourself would be a total turning point!

Suspiciousmind20 · 27/10/2021 09:06

HRTFT but have read all your posts OP. I just wanted to say good luck. You sound very clear minded in a horrible situation. Hope you can get some IRL support soon. Stay strong.

Hopeisallineed · 27/10/2021 09:52

Hope you are doing okay today OP, and staying strong.

Amisillyornot · 27/10/2021 12:43

Hi all
Managed to book myself a break with the kids in the UK itself.
He's surprised why he's not coming and says this will confuse them (ive never taken them away alone). I said sorry hotel booked for 1 adult and 2 kids only.
I told kids we will be going yo housesit nany's house after the holiday as munmy needs to help nanny with something in her house. They excitedly told him. He says he's coming as well (i know he can't as he's working next week)
Am leaving in a bit...a long drive but I can do this!

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 27/10/2021 12:44

Well done. Hope you have a lovely time. Can you go straight from holiday to your mums?

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 27/10/2021 12:47

Well done op. I'm so glad you've made some space for yourself.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 27/10/2021 12:49

Also , he has absolutely no right to be in your mum's house if you don't want him there. He's pushing his luck and he knows it.

Lunde · 27/10/2021 13:08

Well done Ami

Amisillyornot · 27/10/2021 13:17

@SunshineCake1

Well done. Hope you have a lovely time. Can you go straight from holiday to your mums?
Yes that's what we are doing.
OP posts:
Dasher789 · 27/10/2021 13:24

Well done OP, stay strong and do whats best for you Flowers

JackieQueen · 27/10/2021 13:29

Good luck op, hope things work out well for you and your children Flowers

isthismylifenow · 27/10/2021 14:45

Safe trip OP, I think getting away is a good idea.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/10/2021 14:47

He wasn’t worried about confusing his d when he was giving another woman £1k was he? Now he’s worried though. Apparently Hmm

TeeBee · 27/10/2021 15:35

God. He's really trying to ride roughshod over your needs and feelings, isn't he? He sounds utterly horrible. Hope you have a fabulous time with your children OP. Hopefully some breathing space will allow you decide your next steps.

bluebeck · 27/10/2021 15:46

Just make sure there are no spare keys to your mums left behind, and he has had no opportunity to get copies.

Have a lovely time OP. Flowers

LampLighter414 · 27/10/2021 15:46

Think long and hard before doing this OP, you have your children to think about