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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
fuckoffImcounting · 23/10/2021 10:35

His position is indefensible so he starts attacking - what a wanker and what a horrible way to treat his wife.

fourandnomore · 23/10/2021 10:37

Right, that is absolutely disgusting. In your position I would be calling friends and telling them what has happened and that you need to get him out of your home. Even if it means people forcibly removing him. Typical defensive behaviour and totally unacceptable. So sorry.

yourestandingonmyneck · 23/10/2021 10:48

@Amisillyornot

Nothing went as planned in my head. He started shouting and swearint. Saying I live drama, this time he's done nothing wrong. I said i will take my time and decide what i want to do and that he should leave for a few days as i need some spacs. Said he isn't going anywhere..i am nasty and i should go and kill myself I started crying and that's the end.
Wow Sad

Well I'm not sure if he feels cornered and is lashing out as a defence, or if he's being deliberately vile in order to get you to end the marriage.

Either way, I think you've got a definitive answer here - this man is not a keeper.

I'm so sorry Thanks

5thnonblonde · 23/10/2021 10:48

He’s right that he doesn’t need to leave. I think his reaction shows he’s on the back foot. You could offer to attend counselling with him and say if he’s not interested in that he schools expect to hear from a solicitor at some point. Tbh to agree custody you’d have to go to mediation so he’ll be in a counselling type arena anyway.

maternitycoat · 23/10/2021 10:49

When you say sort of emotional affair, you mean he had an affair!

Otherwise he wouldn't have needed the secret phone

TheChip · 23/10/2021 10:55

Jesus, OP. What an overreaction on his part and a nasty one at that!
Has he apologised for his nasty outburst yet?

He has restarted all of this by bringing that phone home and lying about it. He had no reason at all to bring it home, even if it was for his mum. He had already wiped it at work so why not just take it directly to her?

For him to then lose his shit how he has I cant help but think its a defensive reaction to being caught out. Say something so over the top and nasty and you end up focused on that while it gives him more time to think of ways our of this.

What an absolute dick. I hope you are OK!

1FootInTheRave · 23/10/2021 10:58

What a despicable little prick he is.

Hope you're okay.

yeahitsabadidea · 23/10/2021 10:59

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say really. It's just vile. Yes he's lashing out. And he feels cornered. But I'm not sure how you can come back from this. I think it has to be him coming to you and apologising. And then taking responsibility for what he's created here. Instead of blaming you.

Can you go somewhere for the weekend with the kids? Your mum? It might be a good time to tell her what's been going on. I don't know if she knew about the thing three years ago. But I think you need some real life support.

We will always be here. And there are some very knowledgeable incredible people on here. I just wish I could give you a hug right now. Thanks

crochetmonkey74 · 23/10/2021 11:02

Awful for you OP and I think it shows the following 1. Hes cornered and lashing out as he is guilty

  1. He has total disdain for you
  2. Hes making you the baddie, your 'drama' instead of his actual affair.
Tell people in real life. Get some support. I think this might get worse
SedentaryCat · 23/10/2021 11:08

@Amisillyornot

Nothing went as planned in my head. He started shouting and swearint. Saying I live drama, this time he's done nothing wrong. I said i will take my time and decide what i want to do and that he should leave for a few days as i need some spacs. Said he isn't going anywhere..i am nasty and i should go and kill myself I started crying and that's the end.
This sounds about right. He got caught out so has turned it all around on you.

My DH did this when I found out about his affair.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

RealBecca · 23/10/2021 11:08

As shit as his response is, i think at least there are no more questions about the right thing to do.

Hes acted this was to deflect.

saoirse31 · 23/10/2021 11:08

He sounds horrible op, that comment about killing yourself is not something an adult would say to anyone that they feel anything for. I'd find that impossible to get over. Having said that tbh I'd have found the keeping the phone he used to contact her impossible to get over. I mean you can mai twin a relationship with no trust but only I think if you know how it is from the start. I think if you have trust it's a different type of relationship from the start and then to lose that trust is devastating, and probably fatal to the relationship.

I would maybe start imagining what your future would like if you leave him or not, how would you feel in both scenarios. Best of luck.

saoirse31 · 23/10/2021 11:09

Maintain not Mai twin....

ravenmum · 23/10/2021 11:09

Ugh, is that reaction typical of him?
I hope you're aware that this type of attack is designed to make you focus on your behaviour, and on you trying to be "nicer", so that you are thinking about that rather than what he has done. Don't fall for it.

RealBecca · 23/10/2021 11:09

bet if you initiate a break up after a week he will crwal back to be "honest" but it will still only be half triths, the least he can tell you to get back in the family home.

Sorry :( x

LadyLolaRuben · 23/10/2021 11:11

So he's not making any effort to explain and reassure. I think he's been caught on the hop and is refusing to communicate as he knows you will dig deeper. He's deflecting the issue onto you and effectively gaslighting.

Thinking of you OP. Im your age and have had similar issues in the past. Lots of relationships end every day, so there's lots of men out there your age who are single, you just haven't noticed whilst being married. Don't let the thought of being single stop you making the decision to get rid of him. Do you really want to stay married to be treated like this? Will you be able to relax and trust what he says in future?

RealBecca · 23/10/2021 11:11

If he wont leave yous still need space, pack some stuff and go. Figure out the rest later.

As spon as you pack he will change his tune because he is worried you will speak out. Go anyway. Speak.

Crystalvas · 23/10/2021 11:12

OP i am so sorry this has happened to you. His lack of respect for you is unexceptable. Hes on the defence instead of trying to save your marraige when he should be doing everything he can to reassure you. To me this must mean he has something to hide. Now hes trying to shut you down. If I were you id be getting advice from a silicitor and telling him if he cant have respect for you or be honest your marraige is over.

PragmaticWench · 23/10/2021 11:15

He has no reasonable explanation for why he had a burner phone, so has attacked you as a form of defence. It just shows he was lying all along.

Utter prick. It probably has been over for ages but clearly he lied about the extent of it originally.

mcmooberry · 23/10/2021 11:23

Oh no I am sorry to hear your update. And THAT'S why it's hard to recover from EAs - they turn us into suspicious, distrustful people that we don't want to be.

Notcoolmum · 23/10/2021 11:44

I'm so sorry OP. You have seemed so calm and rational throughout this thread.

You know he had the phone to contact the OW. You know no one has a burner phone to stay in touch with a friend. You know he's a liar. And also a nasty little shit when confronted.

Do confide in someone in real life. There is definitely life after a divorce and you sound perfectly capable of looking after yourself and your children.

isthismylifenow · 23/10/2021 11:55

He actually said you should go kill yourself?! Hmm

Who says things like that.

On that comment alone I'd be packing his bags.

whynotwhatknot · 23/10/2021 11:55

Wow youre nasty? hes a manipulative bastard and his comment about killing yourself would be the end for me absolutely no need for that

Justilou1 · 23/10/2021 12:18

Well.. that escalated quickly. Straight to abuse. Please diarise that.

Orgasmagorical · 23/10/2021 12:21

Said he isn't going anywhere..i am nasty and i should go and kill myself

Well, there we are. He wants you to end it right enough. Spineless prick.