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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
Hopeisallineed · 23/10/2021 09:40

Good luck OP! X

Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 09:57

He refused to talk
Said he never used the phone, never topped it up, installed whats app but never used.
Was given the phone
Said he's had enough of me always making drama
And he's got nothing more to say

OP posts:
5thnonblonde · 23/10/2021 09:59

Oh OP what a slap in the face. This matters to you so it should matter to him.

Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 09:59

Said he doesn't care whether I believe him or not as this time he's done nothing wrong.
Apparently he's had enough of the drama.

OP posts:
5thnonblonde · 23/10/2021 10:00

I’d quietly plan to leave and look forward to telling him you’ve nothing more to say after you drop that bombshell. I’m divorced and our kids are absolutely fine- you don’t need to stay for them.

Hopeisallineed · 23/10/2021 10:01

Wow. He doesn’t care that you are upset and want to talk it out basically. Nice guy.

5thnonblonde · 23/10/2021 10:02

He created this situation. He’s lucky you’re open to talking about it. Perhaps he won’t realise how lucky until you go.

fourandnomore · 23/10/2021 10:03

How on earth does he explain a phone with two numbers for this woman coming into his possession? Does he not see how ridiculous and unlikely that is to just ‘happen’? So sorry OP. I think whether anything has happened or not you don’t trust him so it’s over really.

Orgasmagorical · 23/10/2021 10:07

Do you think he might be hoping you'll end things with him, Amisillyornot?

JustLyra · 23/10/2021 10:08

@Amisillyornot

Said he doesn't care whether I believe him or not as this time he's done nothing wrong. Apparently he's had enough of the drama.
That’s a very diversionary tactic he’s trying.

He may have done nothing wrong this time (I doubt it, but he might).

However, this has shown that he downright lied to you last time as you don’t have a burner phone to keep in touch with a friend.

He’s trying to deflect away from that.

Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 10:09

Nothing went as planned in my head. He started shouting and swearint. Saying I live drama, this time he's done nothing wrong. I said i will take my time and decide what i want to do and that he should leave for a few days as i need some spacs.
Said he isn't going anywhere..i am nasty and i should go and kill myself
I started crying and that's the end.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 23/10/2021 10:13

Ok well I think the end of the marriage has been well and truly taken off you now. Unforgivable to treat you like that.

He’s crossed so many lines before and got away with it. There’s no way he hasn’t shagged her if he gave her money.

Libelula21 · 23/10/2021 10:15

That’s awful.
Totally unacceptable. 💐

MyBabyBoyBlue · 23/10/2021 10:15

OP, for that comment alone I would be giving serious serious thought about whether I could live with a man like that. He doesn’t seem to respect you in the slightest. You deserve so so so much more.

Libelula21 · 23/10/2021 10:16

It’s his own duplicity that landed him in this mess.
And his stupidity that handed you the phone.

YukoandHiro · 23/10/2021 10:18

He's lied to you for three years. I would end it for your own sanity. You can't trust him ever again.

MotherofPoodles · 23/10/2021 10:18

He's giving you no reassurance or nothing to work with has he and then called you drama. Where does he think you'll go from here, back into your box? This must be so painful for you and so frustrating. He should really want to reassure you and make you feel loved surely?

ACCx · 23/10/2021 10:18

OP that is absolutely awful telling you to do that. I hope you’re okay. That is the ultimate slap in the face :(

Catupatree123 · 23/10/2021 10:20

Oh thats just awful, im so sorry. He won't give you an explanation because he can't explain it without digging himself a hole. Hes deflecting to make you seem unreasonable and hoping you back down. Hes showing his true colours. I think it would be good for you to have some space, do you have anywhere you can go for the night? Take the kids and go to family or friends to get yourself some space?

MotherofPoodles · 23/10/2021 10:21

Never corner a rat ... sorry I just reread your last reply about telling you to go kill yourself and well wtf. He's panicking isn't he?

TwinsandTrifle · 23/10/2021 10:23

Said he isn't going anywhere..i am nasty and i should go and kill myself

Firstly, he doesn't mean this. So don't be upset at the actual words. Recognise the words are nasty defensiveness, and he could have picked many a disgusting phrase. No particular reason he picked that one, so don't dwell on that as being hurtful. You've just exposed him, and these people can't bear to be exposed.

This is a textbook type of reaction for someone who gaslights, when they are cornered. The "you hideous bitch/fuck off and die/something equally vile" simply tells you that you were right, and when he couldn't gaslight his way out, that's the standard response. In nasty but very telling little sentence, he's just proved to you, that you were right about everything.

Libelula21 · 23/10/2021 10:23

I am very much in the hang in there and work it out camp, but I don’t think I could stay with any man who told me to kill myself. Over a phone he himself gave me, with his lover’s contact numbers in it, and data time-stamped after the alleged end of the affair. No, no and no.
Seek out as much real-life support as you can, AISON. Better times lie ahead.

KeeG8181 · 23/10/2021 10:26

That's a liar that's been caught out. Your marriage is over. You've got bigger and better things to come. Hang in there OP. X

LovelyLupins · 23/10/2021 10:33

OP Flowers
He’s shown his true colours. Revolting coward lashing out when cornered for his lies. Please tell somebody in real life and get some support, for practical advice MN is unbeatable!

babouchette · 23/10/2021 10:35

I am so sorry OP. I don't think you can stay with him now, regardless of what he's been doing for the past couple of years. You will never be able to trust him properly again. His reaction to you is truly repulsive. Who says that to one of the people they are meant to love most in the world?! What if one of your kids had overheard that? He is a disgusting excuse for a man.