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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 23/10/2021 12:25

Oh you poor thing.

Obviously wishing you dead is 100% no coming back from. You can divorce him without his permission. Stop doing anything for him, it will be awful for the kids but you can not be bullied into staying married to him.

Timetoretiretospain · 23/10/2021 12:32

@mcmooberry

Oh no I am sorry to hear your update. And THAT'S why it's hard to recover from EAs - they turn us into suspicious, distrustful people that we don't want to be.
I completely agree. My ex husband had an EA and told me he couldn’t cope with my anxiety around it !!!! He turned me into someone who couldn’t trust. It took me a while to get over that feeling of distrusting everyone. I met a lovely man who took the time to work through this distrust with me in counselling. I couldn’t be happier now. It will get better OP.
DrSbaitso · 23/10/2021 12:34

@Amisillyornot

Nothing went as planned in my head. He started shouting and swearint. Saying I live drama, this time he's done nothing wrong. I said i will take my time and decide what i want to do and that he should leave for a few days as i need some spacs. Said he isn't going anywhere..i am nasty and i should go and kill myself I started crying and that's the end.
Well, the phone and the OW are neither here nor there after that. He's a rotten lot, you've got all the evidence you need.

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this.

Eilatan2018 · 23/10/2021 12:35

So have you asked him ‘why bring the phone home that you used for your affair?’ He didn’t think at the time it was an affair, but had a special phone to talk to her with?

Surely if it’s still going on, he’d not want to bring it to your attention with the phone?!

Hopeisallineed · 23/10/2021 12:39

That’s awful OP. He has really shown his true colours, not sure how you can come back from that. Why do defensive if there’s nothing to hide?

Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 13:06

Thanks everyone for your messages.
Am looking for something like a small break i can take the kids and go to get some space.

He's huffing and puffing, banging cupboards and doors. Am just gonna ignore
He called his mum saying we will drop phone sometime during the week or next week end.

OP posts:
NormanStangerson · 23/10/2021 13:14

Like a cornered rat, he has attacked. I’d take that as a clear indication that they were still in contact until April of this year, as is suggested by WhatsApp.

Start making your plans OP and get him out. Ask for help if you need it. I’d be making sure everyone knew what he’d done and particularly, that appalling thing he said to you. I cannot imagine someone telling his wife, who worked so hard and forgave an EA, to go and kill themselves because he’d been found out again as a lying, stupid cunt.

I’m so very sorry.

Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 13:17

They do say

'Behind every untrusting girl is a boy that made her that way.'

I'm sorry op, he has turned into an abusing, gaslighting shit, shouting you down try to get you back in the box.

He has now destroyed your relationship. Fact.

I would grey rock at this point, any conversations I would record with your phone, to record any future abusive language or actions.
You obviously are trying to fugure out whether he's gone nuclear to end the marriage or to just shut you up for the marriage to continue.

Hide the phone, take it else where, he will destroy it if he gets it and claim it never existed to others, even with your screenshots.

He's a deny till you die kind of man and you can't reason with that, if he becomes aggresive phone the police.
Do not be afraid to speak, do not let him silence you by not getting help from others.

This pair have humiliated you, personally I would have gone down the route I suggested before, regardless of whether you stay together.
It would be the only way of getting the truth from the past and would also bring the ow down a peg or two.
She sounded awful, he knows she was a vile woman yet failed to protect you from this sort of woman.

Utter betrayal.

Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 13:22

@Amisillyornot

Thanks everyone for your messages. Am looking for something like a small break i can take the kids and go to get some space. He's huffing and puffing, banging cupboards and doors. Am just gonna ignore He called his mum saying we will drop phone sometime during the week or next week end.
Intimidation techniques.

Get the phone.

LadyLolaRuben · 23/10/2021 13:25

Yes go away with your children OP. I bet once you're away, you'll clear your head and realise you and your children are all that matter. I hope you enjoy the break and realise you can do better and don't need this gaslighting liar in your life. If a person brings shit to your life let them go. I know its easier said than done but, people should make your life easier and happier. This guy is doing the opposite. Keep us posted x

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/10/2021 13:25

Ask him if he's OK with you telling his DM about why he has a spare phone..

Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 13:26

He's doing the only thing he can, trying to resume normal family life, how can you sit there with his mother playing happy families, he also wishes to move the phone away from you.

Somethings on that phone, buy a charger, take the phone and hide it.

5thnonblonde · 23/10/2021 13:37

Don’t contact the OW, I did that and it just fuels their ‘see she’s crazy’ narrative

DrSbaitso · 23/10/2021 13:46

If there was ever any point contacting the OW (again), there isn't now. Nothing she can tell you will change what he's done.

Luckytattie · 23/10/2021 13:53

Deffo leave him
He is full of shit.

Bin85 · 23/10/2021 13:56

Take your share from any joint accounts.

UltimateBugKilla · 23/10/2021 14:05

I'm so sorry he said that to you OP.

What a nasty person, who would ever say such a horrible thing to someone they are supposed to love and the mother of his children 😔

I hope you manage to get away for a bit, for your own good, take care of yourself 💐

Journeynotdestination · 23/10/2021 14:23

I think it’s grim he’s even gifting his affair phone to his mum, let alone all the other shit. Telling you to kill yourself is vile.

QuentinBunbury · 23/10/2021 14:30

Classic DARVO. He's horrible. You don't deserve this OP, you've done nothing wrong

ittakes2 · 23/10/2021 14:32

You can get a programme which restores deleted messages. Sorry I don't know what it is but I found it on mumsnet and bought it from amazon.

SunnyMustard · 23/10/2021 14:37

Maybe I'm naive and missing sth here but it seems he forgot what was on the phone and brought it home just to suddenly realise what was on it? That would indicate he doesn't spend much time thinking about her?

SunnyMustard · 23/10/2021 14:41

Hm ... maybe not ... how do I delete my post.

Lollyneenah · 23/10/2021 14:42

What a revolting thing to say to you OP Flowers he has shown you what he is with one sentence alone, ignoring his history and the phone etc.
This man doesn't deserve you caring for him through old age, he doesn't deserve a single thing.
I hope you find the strength to divorce him Cake

Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 14:44

I think he's lost the plot..he keeps muttering under his breath like he's cursing me when i walk past.
He's got a face like thunder.
Think he's pissed off that am not crying, keep askung for information etc like i did last time..or he may have realised that the phone has disappeared

OP posts:
MushMonster · 23/10/2021 14:49

He is stupid and a lier.

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