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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 00:40

@TwinsandTrifle

Oh I don't know, I think I'd have some fun with this one.

First I'd speak to her stating her husband had said she was derranged, annoying, impossible to ged rid of. She won't believe this because he will have already warned the ow.

But before I would have had husbands normal phone and texted to your phone an enormous ammount of insulting texts about her. Delete them off husbands phone, he doesn't know about these texts.

Then when she dismisses your comments when you phone her, send her the texts from your phone that you made up.
She may be insulted and bleet.

Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 00:44

Ie: Screenshots of the texts from your husband to you. that you actually sent from his phone.

Dasher789 · 23/10/2021 00:53

I'm sure if you don't use a mobile phone or top it up for 6 months the network cuts off the number

me4real · 23/10/2021 01:36

I'm saying my above post as MN is full of cheerleaders saying LTB and speculation to get you to do something to have something to 'entertain'.

@Lucythewonderdog Aww I don't know about that. I like to think none almost all of us aren't motivated by that in how we speak to an OP.

me4real · 23/10/2021 01:39

@Dasher789 Yes I think that's the most 'hands off' arrangement there is. I got a basic phone recently and most had minutes etc that expired. The only PAYG ones not like that, you have to use once in 6 months to keep them alive.......

a1poshpaws · 23/10/2021 02:29

I've only read up to page 5 (it's late & my concentration's going!) but I think it really boils down to this - do you actually, truly, love this man? Do you respect him? Do you have a genuine friendship with him yourself? Do you want him sexually still?

If the answer to any of these is no - walk.

And remember two things: you are by no means too old to find a decent guy, and in any case as the old saying goes "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

Sending you virtual hugs.

backtolifebacktoreality · 23/10/2021 02:46

I'd imagine it's an old phone he used to contact her from when they had the affair.

He thought he'd bring it home and pretend he's found it.

He forgot to clear off her number from the time of the affair!

WTF475878237NC · 23/10/2021 05:03

Oh OP I really hope you find out the truth here. It's so cruel when we meet someone who we trust until they break it and life can never be the same again.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 23/10/2021 05:45

I remember the complete feeling of only been given half the story and having to play at detective to get some truth. I also stayed for 3 years after my exdh EA. Something came to light 3 years after and it was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I felt like he'd not only been lying about the EA at the time, but had continued to lie about what happened for 3 more years. I wasn't upset I was livid and something snapped and I just left him

JudgementalCactus · 23/10/2021 06:03

@Lucythewonderdog

I dunno, it just sounds like he was being supportive to a work colleague. Yes, it was probably inappropriate as you didn't know her or know of her but I don't see the drama and LTB here.
Have you ever gotten a secret burner phone to "be supportive to a work colleague"?

And OP specifically said their texts were flirty and inappropriate.

Stop gaslighting the poor woman!

RedHelenB · 23/10/2021 07:28

If its stating last activity May 2019, is that when the emotional affair had just ended or is it after that? Because if it after I wouldn't give the benefit if the doubt but if its at the right time I'd leave it, accept he had a burner phone to use for the affair and more on. Unless deep down you're not over what happened, in which case I don't see any other option than divorce.

Nondescriptname · 23/10/2021 07:56

No last night I used my phone to call the burner phone because I couldn't use the burner phone to call me to get the number as there was not enough credit it said.

You couldn't get the number of the burner by using it to call yourself but you then magically had the number of the burner so you could call it??

WTF475878237NC · 23/10/2021 07:59

Nondescriptname what an odd bitchy post. The OP doesn't need to explain how she "magically" did anything. Is that retort genuinely what you would say to a friend in this pain and confusion?

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 08:01

Morning everyone
Thanks for your messages.
EA ended Nov 2018. Moved jobs around feb 2019 then started WFH i think around July 2019 to Sept 2021.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 08:05

@Nondescriptname

No last night I used my phone to call the burner phone because I couldn't use the burner phone to call me to get the number as there was not enough credit it said.

You couldn't get the number of the burner by using it to call yourself but you then magically had the number of the burner so you could call it??

No i didn't magically get it, I wish i did. I asked him for the number when i couldn't call. Also someone on here explained how to go onto settings to get it for future reference.
OP posts:
MsDogLady · 23/10/2021 08:09

OP, you’ve been in a false reconciliation. Your H has never stopped lying about his affair with OW.

You never had the full story and H has never admitted or accepted responsibility for his infidelity. He denied and shifted the blame until you said you were done, and only then did he agree to dial it down with OW. Only he didn’t really…he bought the burner phone and they took their romance underground. Her email message to you was a charade meant to throw you off the scent. You were manipulated and agreed to stop mentioning it, yet they carried on.

An unknown is when the affair actually finished. Perhaps it was an on-off-on relationship, but it clearly didn’t end for good when you believed it did, as evidenced by the tell-tale second phone.

Whatever his true agenda, H kept the secret affair phone and has brought it to the family home and lied about it. And now it appears that it was last active in April or June, 2021. He is still in wayward mode.

I really would be done this time. Flowers

Marvellousmadness · 23/10/2021 08:13

I know you won't.
But please tell me you are leaving him
Just because you think that you can't get another man at 43 doesn't mean you should settle for this.. man..
Really you shouldn't. The trust is gone. And has been gone for years. Why live your life that way .
You'll end up like the ow. Not her.
See him for who he is.
And choose to be happy. Your better of happy by yourself than in an untrustworthy cracked relationship where you constantly doubt yourself and him. X

WTF475878237NC · 23/10/2021 08:16

Based on those timescales then I'm sorry to say I think this suggests to me the affair never ended or perhaps it did but then after he changed jobs and perhaps they missed each other and it started again. Perhaps it has now, but he's been lying all this time I think.

WTF475878237NC · 23/10/2021 08:17

There's so many perhaps though. What a horrible position he has put you in.

Moaningturtle · 23/10/2021 08:30

The fact he had a burner phone for contacting her proves that he lied to you when the “EA” was happening. No one has an extra phone to contact a friend on. It’s absolute BS that it was never physical.

He gaslighted you and told you you were controlling when all along you were right. That’s as unforgivable, if not more so.

timeisnotaline · 23/10/2021 08:33

I really want to support a colleague at work. Off to get a secret burner phone, I had no idea having all of our convos on work chat and occasional text message was so passé!

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 23/10/2021 09:00

I had a long and hard thought about it. I am not gonna contact OW, didn't do it 3 years ago and won't do it now. Like I said previously, she doesn't owe me an explanation. She may be a homeworking w* but she wasn't married to me. My issue is with the man I have been married to for 16 years. Also i feel it will belittle me trying to get info from her (and am already feeling so low)
I will try to get as much information from him as possible not necessarily for making a decision but more so for my own sake and have as much closure as possible.
As it stands he is talking to me like nothing has happened..probably hoping i believed his BS. Am still in spare room.
I haven't told anyone in real life yet but that may be the next step.
Once the kiddies are dropped to their clubs i will talk to him and see what he says.
It is all clear in my head as to how i will proceed so i hope things pan out like this. 🤞

OP posts:
KeeG8181 · 23/10/2021 09:03

OP I really hope today's the day you get that lying get out of your house.
He has such little respect for yourself and your marriage he's brought that phone home as though it's some sort of trophy. Regardless of whether hes not the brightest he's been clever enough to hide a completely inappropriate friendship with a colleague. He's given her £1200 of your households money and ruined his own marriage to be there for her cos she's sad about being fat?!

I know it's shit being single, but 43 isn't old at all, you're the same age as my mum, she's on her own too and is happier than ever. No man is worth living in constant doubt and mental torture of whether hes speaking to her again or not. You don't deserve any of this, be kind to yourself and show yourself the respect and love that your "D"H couldn't.

TwinsandTrifle · 23/10/2021 09:12

Please be prepared for the gaslighting. He's had the last day to manufacture all kinds of false explanations.

He wants you to lose it and yell that you know he's lying, so he can then look at you judgingly for your "behaviour". Don't let him do this. Have a default response for when he starts bullshitting, a calm "if you continue to lie, this conversation is over" and repeat. If he does continue to lie and gaslight, walk away. Make sure he understands you will speak to him, but will not entertain any lie, with zero tolerance.

Libelula21 · 23/10/2021 09:21

@Amisillyornot

I had a long and hard thought about it. I am not gonna contact OW, didn't do it 3 years ago and won't do it now. Like I said previously, she doesn't owe me an explanation. She may be a homeworking w* but she wasn't married to me. My issue is with the man I have been married to for 16 years. Also i feel it will belittle me trying to get info from her (and am already feeling so low) I will try to get as much information from him as possible not necessarily for making a decision but more so for my own sake and have as much closure as possible. As it stands he is talking to me like nothing has happened..probably hoping i believed his BS. Am still in spare room. I haven't told anyone in real life yet but that may be the next step. Once the kiddies are dropped to their clubs i will talk to him and see what he says. It is all clear in my head as to how i will proceed so i hope things pan out like this. 🤞
Sounds like a sensible and level-headed approach. Good luck and you well AISON 💐