Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/10/2021 21:23

It doesn't actually matter what the actual facts are here.

The biggest thing to come out of this incident is that you are still deeply wounded by whatever it was that he did previously and that even now you don't trust him as far as you could throw him.

You tried to bury your wound and have spent three years going through the motions of marriage, to the extent that he felt comfortable lying to you again.

You don't trust him. Your marriage has been limping along for three years ( for more than three years, taking into account that he checked out of it before your discovery).

What he did and is now doing isn't what matters. What matters is how you feel.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 21:34

Ok so ive installed what's app and saved both OW number and mine on it. Burner phone what's app no photo from mine.
On burner phone 1 OW has no whats app a ns 1 has. Again no photo on hers and no last seen.

OP posts:
blubberyboo · 22/10/2021 21:37

You can download WhatsApp using that phone number onto any phone. They will send an activation code to the correct number but the sim doesn't have to be in the device. You can then install WhatsApp from that number and it will ask if you want to restore chat history.
So, you can change your number on WhatsApp on your phone to the number of the burner

Be careful with this
Sometimes on a different phone you can log into the WhatsApp account but it doesn’t carry over the chat history

Ideally try and download the app to the burner phone and get the hold of a suitable charger.

Tell him you took the phone and threw it away as you couldn’t bear to know he’s texted her on it
Let him think you are irrational and don’t play your hand too soon until you get time to examine the phone.
If he thinks you’re digging he’ll start covering more tracks

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 21:42

I did download whats app on burner phone but no back up.

OP posts:
Durbeyfield · 22/10/2021 21:45

What a complete crock of shit, as a situation to live in.

Libelula21 · 22/10/2021 21:46

What a strange and sad situation.

I’ve not read all the comments but if the EA ended three years ago, it’s very odd that the last data / EE data start date was May 2019, eg 2.5 years ago.

I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation OP. Do nothing hasty. I’m not really sure why, but I’m not in the LTB camp here. I think maybe because the good times seem to have outweighed the bad by so much?

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 22:01

Cannot find anything on tbe phone. On 18% now will probably die soon.

OP posts:
peboh · 22/10/2021 22:15

I'm personally in the leave him category. You do not trust him, that's all the justification you need to leave. You shouldn't feel you have to go search phone histories and stuff with the man you're married to. He broke your trust once, and has done so again when he lied to your face over this phone. You will never trust him again, you deserve better than this.

UltimateBugKilla · 22/10/2021 22:22

If it was connected to a google account, as you can see it, the information should be backed up on the Google account, web and app activity and photos, location, YouTube and obviously dates used, I can go onto mine now and see everything.

You dont need the phone to have battery.

Unmerited · 22/10/2021 22:27

You can go into settings to see what chats have used most data - eg pictures etc.

Settings, Storage and Data, Manage Storage, Chats.

Unmerited · 22/10/2021 22:28

WhatsApp settings I mean.

Lucycantdance · 22/10/2021 22:37

@LetHimHaveIt

I also think he's telling the truth, and believe you when you say he isn't the brightest.

However, the purchase of a burner phone three years ago to facilitate the affair suggests it was a very significant EA or that it was physical. He sounds a bit hopeless all round and I think you should jettison him.

This.
whynotwhatknot · 22/10/2021 22:38

@mathanxiety

It doesn't actually matter what the actual facts are here.

The biggest thing to come out of this incident is that you are still deeply wounded by whatever it was that he did previously and that even now you don't trust him as far as you could throw him.

You tried to bury your wound and have spent three years going through the motions of marriage, to the extent that he felt comfortable lying to you again.

You don't trust him. Your marriage has been limping along for three years ( for more than three years, taking into account that he checked out of it before your discovery).

What he did and is now doing isn't what matters. What matters is how you feel.

Basically this

the trust isnt there you didnt just say ok dear that makes sense and move on youre going mad trying to prove if its true or not-and if it is fine but you wont ever trust him again

NormanStangerson · 22/10/2021 22:40

God, this is so shit. I’m sorry @Amisillyornot.

He’s such a stupid liar. Why would he so willingly risk his family? The thing a previous poster said about men only wanting to save the TV and a convenient lifestyle has really struck a chord. It’s so shit and true.

blubberyboo · 22/10/2021 22:55

You can probably pick up a universal charger somewhere that will fit it. Hide the phone in meantime

Strangeways19 · 22/10/2021 23:02

Maybe someone else has said this, but wouldn't the battery be dead if it hadn't been used for 3 years?
sorry you're going through this OP, it doesn't sound good at all

Lucythewonderdog · 22/10/2021 23:07

I dunno, it just sounds like he was being supportive to a work colleague. Yes, it was probably inappropriate as you didn't know her or know of her but I don't see the drama and LTB here.

Lucythewonderdog · 22/10/2021 23:09

I'm saying my above post as MN is full of cheerleaders saying LTB and speculation to get you to do something to have something to 'entertain'. This is your life OP, so really take all here as a pinch of salt. (Including my post in there too)

Getyourownback · 22/10/2021 23:39

@Lucythewonderdog

I dunno, it just sounds like he was being supportive to a work colleague. Yes, it was probably inappropriate as you didn't know her or know of her but I don't see the drama and LTB here.
Your bar is very low for the behaviour of a man with whom you choose to spend your life. 😞
Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 00:08

I do think you need an honest conversation about this. I know everybodies going to say he can't be honest, carry on trying to get your own truth but talk to him as though from his perspective.

You won't get anything accusing of an affair, they admit nothing.

Ask him why he got the 2nd phone, leave him to answer.
Allow him to make the story up of why he needed to get it. Try to appear understanding.
Ask him where he bought it, when and how much it cost, answers he must know.
What did he use, what method of communicating, which app etc.

Let him explain, how long and how much it was used.

This will be stomach churning for him.
The only proof you have at the moment is the phone, not much info on it but it allows you to question him.

Ask him why he lied to you.

Onthedunes · 23/10/2021 00:19

I should imagine his defence may be that she was unhinged and he was frightened that she may call on his normal phone.

She does sound quite the predator, it may partially be true that he ended up getting in deeper than he thought, thought he could control the situation, maybe it was hard to end the friendship with her.
You saw the text of her saying she missed him and her colleagues did at work events. she wasn't worried about you at all and her disrespect saying don't you have work friends. No respect and not profesional.

She's no shrinking violet.
But that can be used to your advantage, if he colludes to the fact she was getting pushy/out of control and he was worried it would harm his home life, then that is when I would contact her and state your husband basically was calling her a bunny boiler.
Women like that get very annoyed if lies are told about them.

It's been 3 years now and I think it's time for some truth.
Don't be embarrased to speak up, he will try to shame you into shutting up.

TwinsandTrifle · 23/10/2021 00:22

I have to say, I wouldn't contact the "ow" because by doing that, you show her you have given her importance. Especially as she sounds sneery and superior already.

Don't give her any satisfaction.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 23/10/2021 00:30

So you've got the other woman on WhatsApp now? Or did I misunderstand? I'd be tempted to "accidentally" send something - like a nonsense emoji or sticker - and see how quickly she replies and what she says. I think her reply will say a lot about their relationship! I know that js immature, but has served me well in (a different situation in) the past!

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 23/10/2021 00:31

If asked, you can tell DH you wanted to see if he'd been messaging her so added her but accidentally send something. It happens!

Niffler92 · 23/10/2021 00:39

Sounds like it was his affair phone he’s come across it now he’s back in the office and needed an excuse to bring it home.