Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

[Amisillyornot]

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

Just read the entire thread.

This is not looking good at all.

He claims to have stopped the affair with her. He didn't.
He bought a burner phone to continue the affair.
He claimed that the phone hadn't been used for 3 years. The phone still has an active SIM and has been used this year.

He's lied and continues to lie and his lies aren't even that good.

How was his mood in April, in June? Any arguments etc, extra 'work stress'
Could be indicators of other types of stress (ie contact ending either by choice or not)

I still dont get if he changed jobs why has he still got a burner phone he used to contact ow when he said he wasnt in contact anymore why not sell it delete it give it away

hes lying either way

You might be able to get a printout of all calls to and from the phone. I had to do this as part of a court case. And this was also a PAYG phone.

I would make him call the phone company with you there. The printout will tell you whether or not he did in fact end it 3 years ago.

Sorry you are going through this OP .

@Catupatree123
There has been nothing weird or different. Things have been good since lockdown and we both WFH and as a family it brought us closer..or so i thought. April week 2 of the hols we both had off.

Ring the number and ask her

From what you said about him earlier in the thread OP how would he respond if you called his bluff
If you said "I've retrieved the phone data so I know eveything" and then let him tell you thinking you already know? Or is that a terrible idea?

Also, I think ownership of the phone, now, would have been forgivable. I think of all the old handsets I've got kicking around, that I'm keeping for... well, absolutely no reason.

It's the use of the number, within the last 6 months, with only her in it as a contact.

@crochetmonkey74 he'd know am.lying as am clueless with technology..am always asking him to set up my phone, laptop etc

Ah ! Good point . I hate all this , letting you worry, not quite owning up. It's so cowardly

Another thing you could do is search his burner phone phone number on Facebook/messenger/Instagram.
He might have other accounts under that number.

Its good that he thinks you are clueless with technology. He will have absolutely no idea that you are currently finding out the shit that you are.

Oh OP. He’s put you in this position and it’s really not fair. He should understand that he needs to be completely transparent and volunteer information if he wants this to work.

I divorced Exh for an affair. I remember telling a friend conversations about OW felt like a game of battleships where if I asked the exact right question I might be told what I wanted to know... but even a mis-step in phrasing gave him enough to lie by omission

I can see his explanation going something like this, they normally admit to the minimum they think they can get away with so in this case it will be you were unreasonable to ask him to stop contact with his friend who was in dire need of his help/counsel and whilst he knows it is now wrong and he's deeply sorry for the deception etc. He purchased the phone to help his troubled friend and no doubt only used it a handful of times before he realized the error of his ways and stopped contact. He will beg for forgiveness whilst still managing to make you feel unreasonable (or that will be the goal). What's the worst case scenario for you? Is it physically cheating? Is it the emotional affair continuing or is it enough that after three years or rebuilding the relationship he is still lying, just got caught be his own stupidity

@Halloaten

You can download WhatsApp using that phone number onto any phone. They will send an activation code to the correct number but the sim doesn't have to be in the device. You can then install WhatsApp from that number and it will ask if you want to restore chat history. So, you can change your number on WhatsApp on your phone to the number of the burner Or Log into play store on the burner using your Google account, download WhatsApp using the burner number Google account and WhatsApp chat history are separate

This 👆🏼

[quote Amisillyornot]@crochetmonkey74 he'd know am.lying as am clueless with technology..am always asking him to set up my phone, laptop etc[/quote]
But you can say you've had help.

Threads like this make me grateful I am not with ex DP anymore. I've been so lonely and sad with the break up but I think he was heading to an EA and I remember how sad and mad it made me feel. Checking phone, lack of trust etc. Its so damaging and I'll have to think carefully about how to manage a new relationship

Ill download what's app as soon as i can get to the phone..hopefully it will keep charge.
Yesterday when he was talking about the phone I thought that it was weird that in this day and age people do not put a lock code on their phone!

Get the phone from him and then consider telling me him rang the phone company today and got a lot of information on when phones are disconnected if not in use, how to retrieve messages, last calls etc. so he has one chance to tell you the truth and the full truth because you will have the information shortly one way or another?

He doesn't sound wise enough to call your bluff?

Then regardless you of the answers,you'll have to figure our if you can forgive him, if you want to stay with him and if you can ever trust him again.

Not easy decisions but hope you can make the right one for you whatever you decide.

I straight away thought he’s bringing it home so he can contact her when he’s working from home

I had come on to say after a certain period of time a pay as you go number will be recycled if it's not been topped up but I see you've said it was last used to April. Why would it still be getting topped up if there are only 2 contacts and he's not used the phone in 3 years?

*in April

@DrSbaitso

I actually think it's likely he's telling the truth. Sounds like he forgot the phone was his and had her details on it. He would be a total idiot bringing his active use burner phone home and telling you about it, and you say his face changed when he checked the contacts. Sounds like the idiot forgot about his own old burner phone.

On the plus side, it also suggests the OW couldn't have been that memorable if he was fool enough to forget all this until he brought the damn thing home to check in front of you.

Seems more likely to me than an elaborate double bluff, anyway.

I agree. I think he had forgotten about the phone. Probably packed it from previous office drawer in January, moved it with other stuff to new office and forgot it’s significance.

There was absolutely no reason to show it to you unless he had forgotten. I don’t know one man who would do that and open a can of worms.

I don’t think he’s lying to you about this.

I think he knew it was his, but wanted to give it to his mum without dragging up the past. Bit dumb really, and he lied to you.

How're you feeling @Amisillyornot ?

Thick and untrustworthy doesn't sound like it would be a combo in most women's list of qualities they want from a partner.

You need to go onto manage google account then click data and privacy then scroll down to web and activity - it will show sites, searches, dates and times. Photos.etc.. just keep clicking