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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 18:21

@UltimateBugKilla he was going in once every month or so to see the staff who were working twice a week. Bosses took it turns to go in.

OP posts:
TwinsandTrifle · 22/10/2021 18:24

@TheChip

Youre welcome. That could be a positive sign. Its 6 months ago and maybe it was only active from when he went on it to delete it and wipe the phone?

Id use that as a way to ask for him to truthfully tell you when he realised he still had the phone. You know he was active in April, so if he says it was just last week and swears by this. You know hes still being a lying bastard. There's no need to cover his tracks so much now you know the truth about the phone, so if he feels the need to continue lying you'd have to ask why

The phone number doesn't remain in active service by doing something like searching on Google, or deleting history. The number remains active by doing something with the actual number itself. I.e. A top up, making a call, or sending a text message.

He wouldn't have needed to top it up to wipe the history, it would connect to his works/any WiFi for anything like that.

He's used the actual number for something in the last 6 months.

UltimateBugKilla · 22/10/2021 18:24

@Amisillyornot sorry missed that

Onthedunes · 22/10/2021 18:25

Another thread on emojis at the moment, go into messages as though typing a new message look at frequently used emojis.

That may show the nature of the converstions.

Wildmum54 · 22/10/2021 18:28

My heart goes out to you OP!
I hope you’re able to recover what you need from the phone either way.
At this point it’s a necessity since he’s lied before.
Definitely weird that he wouldn’t invite her to your summer BBQ after you suggested it and saying what good friends they were… 🤔

TheChip · 22/10/2021 18:31

Ah yes. Very good point @TwinsandTrifle
I was too focused on the WhatsApp

mumda · 22/10/2021 18:32

Do they still keep a charge after that long of not being charged?

oakleaffy · 22/10/2021 18:36

@LawnFever

How bizarre, even if this was an old phone he used to contact OW on why on earth did he bring it home, tell you about it and pretend he didn’t know where it came from??

Something makes no sense here, even if he was using it to get her number again he could’ve copied it off the phone, I wouldn’t let this drop it just sounds odd.

That was my thought- Why bring it home? Sounds very odd and risky. He would have known it was his - A “Burner” phone, @Amisillyornot

If a Burner, I’d be really suspicious.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 18:36

The date hasn't been used because he's been using WiFi.

You'll need to download WhatsApp using his Google play details because there where it'll be linked to.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 18:38

Was he in the office on 8th April? I just checked. It was a Saturday.

Callipygion · 22/10/2021 18:38

@Amisillyornot

Ok so phone was on shelf..says data last used 5 May 2019 I cannot download what's app as Play store asking for an email login. What do i do? Sorry not good with these things. Also history etc all cleared..nothing to see
My husband had an old PAYGo phone and it terminated the number and he lost the credit on it as it hadn’t been used in 6 months. If your phone is the same although no “data” has been used, has it been used to call or text?
GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2021 18:39

He brought it home and made a thing out of showing it to you for a little illicit power buzz. The stupid oblivious wife looking at the phone he's been sexting OW with.

Unfortunately he's the stupid one, and it's backfired.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 18:44

@girlmom21

Was he in the office on 8th April? I just checked. It was a Saturday.
8 April was a Thursday. I cannot day for sure if he went or not.
OP posts:
ProseccoPartyPoppers · 22/10/2021 18:51

OP - he moved jobs after the EA apparently ended. So why would the phone be in the drawer in his new office?

He took the phone with her number to his new office. That is the clincher, and the thing that categorically proves that it didn't end when he says it did.

Bellringer · 22/10/2021 18:51

If you didn't know about phone he is a liar, doesn't really matter what happened when after that. Kick him out to have a good think for a few days and get your head straight. If he wants to come back and you are willing, you need full disclosure. Then he contacts relate to negotiate terms. Don't rush, let him sweat. Good luck

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/10/2021 18:59

8th April was the Easter school holidays. Can you check his electronic calendar if he keeps one?

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 19:04

@Amisillyornot sorry I'm a Twat and looked at May

oviraptor21 · 22/10/2021 19:07

@ProseccoPartyPoppers

OP - he moved jobs after the EA apparently ended. So why would the phone be in the drawer in his new office?

He took the phone with her number to his new office. That is the clincher, and the thing that categorically proves that it didn't end when he says it did.

It doesn't categorically prove anything. All it shows is he took the phone with him when he moved jobs and opted not to bring it home with him .... likely because he feared any raking over of old coals which is exactly what has happened now he has brought it home. #playingdevilsadvocate
themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 19:08

@ProseccoPartyPoppers

OP - he moved jobs after the EA apparently ended. So why would the phone be in the drawer in his new office?

He took the phone with her number to his new office. That is the clincher, and the thing that categorically proves that it didn't end when he says it did.

I agree with this. No matter what happened the phone with her number in proves that he blocked her on his current phone and used as burner phone to contact her on. The fact she has two numbers too might suggest she swapped numbers at some point so it might indicate some time had passed between him getting the burner phone and putting her number in, and her using a new number and him adding that too. He’s contacted her after you thought it was over Op - he’s lied and covered it up and he’s been caught red handed because of his own stupidity. Search your chats and texts to see your conversations for April the 8th. If it was a school holiday then he could have been off work surely. Does she have kids that she could have been off with?

Don’t be naive with it OP, list all the facts you have in front of you objectively about what happened. To me it’s as clear as day that he’s been lying and hiding longer than you thought he was.

ProseccoPartyPoppers · 22/10/2021 19:11

Appreciate you being devils advocate! But let's be honest - the choice wasn't between taking it to his new job or taking it home. He could have thrown it away. He kept it and took it to his new workplace. And then brought it home fully charged...

TwinsandTrifle · 22/10/2021 19:11

And OP, for what it's worth, I think whilst in some respect, you already have your answer, but I would still be finding out everything I can.

The reason why, is you don't need any doubt in your head, that he might be telling the truth. So find the truth for yourself. This is a huge decision you're making, and you need as little "what if" in your mind as possible. Seeing things in black and white work wonders. He can't lie his way out the fact it's been used in the last 6 months, when you have seen with your own eyes it has. Gather as much information as you can, not to debate and argue with him, but to know as fact, to help your decision making.

Flowers
themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 19:12

I don’t know if it’s been mentioned but if he has a google account and the phone has been connected to it, the google account keeps a track of all your locations and the webpages you have been on when you log on to google and most people keep it logged in i believe. Have a log in to the google account/gmail and look back at the dates mentioned on google account settings and see if anything shows up on that date

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 19:23

@themadcatparade

I don’t know if it’s been mentioned but if he has a google account and the phone has been connected to it, the google account keeps a track of all your locations and the webpages you have been on when you log on to google and most people keep it logged in i believe. Have a log in to the google account/gmail and look back at the dates mentioned on google account settings and see if anything shows up on that date
On google under the LG phone..the IP address is the town where he works. I googled it up but says last active 117 days
OP posts:
TheChip · 22/10/2021 19:25

Sunday 27th june. Was he at work then?

Halloaten · 22/10/2021 19:28

You can download WhatsApp using that phone number onto any phone. They will send an activation code to the correct number but the sim doesn't have to be in the device. You can then install WhatsApp from that number and it will ask if you want to restore chat history.
So, you can change your number on WhatsApp on your phone to the number of the burner
Or
Log into play store on the burner using your Google account, download WhatsApp using the burner number
Google account and WhatsApp chat history are separate

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