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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 22/10/2021 15:34

@Amisillyornot

I will till the kids get to their room and then ask. I said 'no wasn't busy at all today'. Am sat in spare room on MN. I can't even look at him right now. I thought i was calmer but now being home has made me angry again.
Good response OP. Hold onto that anger for now, it will serve you well.
tribpot · 22/10/2021 15:34

For someone supposedly innocent, he's doing a very good job of digging himself into a hole.

First he brings the phone home (I mean what on earth - you're right about him not being the sharpest tool in the box). He's failed to delete all the evidence from the phone properly but it's clear that he tried.

Then this morning he did wipe the phone.

Now this afternoon the phone has disappeared.

Each action just serves to make him look guiltier.

I would just tell him you want him to give you the phone. See what he says when confronted head on.

Shanghaisprize · 22/10/2021 15:35

didn't sleep a wink imagining all scenarios

Please don't do this to yourself. Time and mental energy are finite and precious. Do not waste any more of yours on this man. He is so very clearly a serial liar and cheat. I mean come on - you KNOW this but just keep grabbing at an explanation plausible enough to let it go. Again. But deep down you will still know you were and are right. That he has no respect for you. That he's lying to you and so are you! Your life will be so much better if you get rid of him, then spend some time alone so you don't keep repeating patters.

Shanghaisprize · 22/10/2021 15:41

both their lifestyles are very nice and neither person can keep up the same level of lifestyle without the other person's input, plus the DC, so I think that might be a factor in OP's decision

Yeah, depressing stuff. You can't put a material value on peace of mind and self-respect though.

LowlandLucky · 22/10/2021 15:42

He has been in contact with her he whole time and this is his way of telling you. He wants you to be "the bad one" and end the relationship.

TeeBee · 22/10/2021 15:43

@Shanghaisprize

both their lifestyles are very nice and neither person can keep up the same level of lifestyle without the other person's input, plus the DC, so I think that might be a factor in OP's decision

Yeah, depressing stuff. You can't put a material value on peace of mind and self-respect though.

Precisely! I'll take that over a shiny car and a big garden any day of the week.
themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 15:48

@QuentinBunbury such a sneaky little tactic isn’t it I've had exes do the exact thing to me.

Timeflyin · 22/10/2021 15:49

This is the link to create account for EE pay as you go ee.co.uk/help/help-new/managing-and-using-my-account/managing-my-account/how-do-i-register-for-my-ee you’ll need to get hold of the phone as they will send a confirmation text to the number. I know this as it’s come in useful for me in the past.. it details what calls and texts have been made and to what number

isthismylifenow · 22/10/2021 16:07

He doesn't seem too clued up on technology, you know the phone has been used within the last 6 months. (otherwise that number will no longer be valid). So he's telling you he last used it 3 years ago.
You know that is a downright lie.

I am just wondering what else he may be lying about.

I am not very trusting of people who have lied. So yes I may other think. But why else would he have kept this phone active....

isthismylifenow · 22/10/2021 16:09

@QuentinBunbury

Gaslighty little creep He knows you are upset and is trying to make you talk first Angry Poor you
Yip. I don't even know OP and I'm furious for her.
Amandaclark · 22/10/2021 16:41

If a pay as you go sim card is not used in 6 months it become inactive so the network can recycle the number eventually. He must have used the phone/sim in the last 6 months.

TwinsandTrifle · 22/10/2021 16:52

Also the other big red flag is he gave her £1200 because she was escaping her nasty boyfriend.

I'd be wondering if there even was a nasty boyfriend and this was a rent deposit for a place they were thinking of. Then he decided his bread was buttered better with you.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 22/10/2021 16:59

It seems a bit risky to give his dm a phone that’s been recently used for an emotional/physical affair. Why on earth wouldn’t he just buy his dm a £10 older style handset with a new number. It must be unlikely that ow will contact the old pay as you go number. It does seem like it’s been used within the last 6m though if it’s still connected.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/10/2021 17:01

@3scape

I mean this nicely OP. Why bother? He's shown himself as only consistent in that he lies. Everything doesn't make sense because it is based on a collapsing set of lies. You really don't need being treated with such contempt. Kick him to the curb.
I agree with this. As if a blokes going to give some woman £1200 who he hasn’t slept with.
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 17:06

Ok so phone was on shelf..says data last used 5 May 2019
I cannot download what's app as Play store asking for an email login. What do i do?
Sorry not good with these things.
Also history etc all cleared..nothing to see

OP posts:
Hopeisallineed · 22/10/2021 17:07

@TeeBee if you think like this you would never do anything, MN is not a reliable measurement of happy relationships. Just because it happens to other people does not mean it will happen to you, it’s a bit like refusing to cross the road in case you are the one to be run over. Amongst my peers and friend group everyone has a decent loving relationship, why miss out on the possibility of that because you have read too many negative MN posts? 🙈

Hopeisallineed · 22/10/2021 17:08

Do you know his email?

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 17:10

@Hopeisallineed i know yes. He has 2 emails.

OP posts:
Hopeisallineed · 22/10/2021 17:11

Try those email addresses?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2021 17:14

Your husband sounds very, very daft.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/10/2021 17:17

Can't you use your own email?

When you feel up to talking to him ask him to tell you the WHOLE truth. Tell him you've done some investigating so will know if he tells you the smallest lie.

Tbf he sounds too thick to have come up with an elaborate fancy story otherwise why would he risk bringing his burmner phone home? - sheer stupidity. Sounds to me he was being tight and thought he'd give his mum the phone he used for his EA to save a few quid.

MrMrsJones · 22/10/2021 17:19

I would ask him for his email addresses and passwords

DrManhattan · 22/10/2021 17:22

He's a cheater. You deserve better. Kick him out

LanisHouseLot · 22/10/2021 17:23

How horrible for you, I'm so sorry Sad.

I think it's potentially possible that he kept the phone active so he didn't lose the number but hadn't actually been in contact with her for a long time. Now he thought he'd give the phone to his mum so decided to say he just found it to save stirring up the past, then quickly came unstuck.

But even if that's the case, you've just found out that at the very least that he had a burner phone back at the time you were being told they were just friends. And who has a burner phone for a friendship?

I would say from experience, don't get too caught up in the details of when/how/precise timeframes. You'll never know all the details and it doesn't really matter. I'd say look at the broad brushstrokes of what you do know, how he makes you feel when you talk about it (for example do you end up feeling like you're going mad/being gaslighted, or does it feel like he's really taking on board the impact this has had on you) and use those things to make your decisions. It's so easy to run down a rabbit warren of 'clues' that feel important but make no meaningful difference overall.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 17:28

Ok ill try his email address and password. Hopefully he's used the same one. He's back from getting dinner now so will have to do it later

OP posts: