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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 14:49

@Amisillyornot

I will download what's app on the burner phone. If he's used it to contact OW and this number is saved on OW phone then it would show her profile pic i think.
Considering the only contact in his phone is her, he's clearly used it to contact her. I'd be more interested to see whether he deleted conversations. If he didn't, the dates will be the decision maker here for you I think.
Nondescriptname · 22/10/2021 14:49

No last night I used my phone to call the burner phone because I couldn't use the burner phone to call me to get the number as there was not enough credit it said.

How could you call the burner phone if you didn't know its number?

Derbee · 22/10/2021 14:53

@Amisillyornot

I will download what's app on the burner phone. If he's used it to contact OW and this number is saved on OW phone then it would show her profile pic i think.
This is pointless and exhausting. If you need to go to such lengths to try and see if your husband is a manipulative liar, you already have your answer. Why torment yourself?
Gonnagetgoing · 22/10/2021 15:01

@Derbee - I agree with all you're saying.

Personally I would be done with this by now. But it seems from what OP says that both their lifestyles are very nice and neither person can keep up the same level of lifestyle without the other person's input, plus the DC, so I think that might be a factor in OP's decision.

disclaimer - I worked for a solicitors office in a wealthy area and lots of DWs came into the office wanting to get ducks in a row, but often didn't want to lose the nice lifestyles

Redruby2020 · 22/10/2021 15:02

@CounsellorTroi

This is so bizarre. He brought the phone home and told you he’d found it, then admitted it was the one he used for his EA but that he’d not used it in three years?
The only thing I was thinking (though I'm not discounting the fact he is a liar) is that maybe he didn't say it was his from the outset, because then OP would think terrible things straight away. But unfortunately even if he was trying to do the right thing, when you are already a cheat etc, to lie then change your story, no it doesn't make him look good.
TeeBee · 22/10/2021 15:02

Urgh, posts like this remind me of the reasons I'm not married.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 22/10/2021 15:12

To all the people sayinging it's pointless to try and find out what happened - really???! So she should walk out of her marriage without even knowing why? Or what happened? Don't be ridiculous! How could she have closure after that? OP, you're doing the right thing by trying to find out as much as possible so you can make an informed decision, and have confidence in your decision!

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 15:12

@Nondescriptname..i know the number..it is in the phone

OP posts:
bubblegumunicorn · 22/10/2021 15:14

Honestly what I would do when you get home is call her from his phone if she answers one see how she answers two ask her straight how long it's been since she talked to your husband! only once you have that info decide how to proceed. He did lie and manipulate 3 years ago but it also sounds like he has forgotten thats what the phones for! but you also don't owe him anything!

Timeflyin · 22/10/2021 15:14

@TheEvilPea

OP if you do still want to pursue the extent of the lying, tell him to contact the network provider for a full call history from the phone. Then you'll be able to see when he started and stopped using it.
Pretty sure EE has a list of all recent use texts and calls. Would just need the online account or to create one for the number if there isn’t one.
SherryTBangles · 22/10/2021 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 15:22

Ok so am home now. He said 'were you busy, you didn't answer any of my calls'.
I looked on the dining table..phone no longer there! His work phone and his normal phone there but not the burner one. I need to look now!

OP posts:
TeeBee · 22/10/2021 15:24

Just ask him to give it to you. Any reticence should tell you everything you need to know.

Sandyseagul · 22/10/2021 15:26

I’m not sure which way to vote.
Maybe he forgot it was his phone ? I know that sounds ridiculous but I couldn’t tell you what phone I had 3 years ago. He might have genuinely thought that until he saw her name and realised.

The fact he’s brought it up to you doesn’t make any sense unless the affair is back on and wants to be caught.

Shocktober · 22/10/2021 15:27

Just ask him for the phone

TeeBee · 22/10/2021 15:27

I hope you told him 'no, not busy, I just didn't want to talk to you'.

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 15:28

Has he managed to get it to his mum?

Either that or he’s getting rid because he knows he’s in shit over it

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 15:29

I will till the kids get to their room and then ask. I said 'no wasn't busy at all today'.
Am sat in spare room on MN. I can't even look at him right now. I thought i was calmer but now being home has made me angry again.

OP posts:
Hopeisallineed · 22/10/2021 15:29

@TeeBee yes, because every marriage is just like this. 🙄

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 15:29

@themadcatparade

Has he managed to get it to his mum?

Either that or he’s getting rid because he knows he’s in shit over it

No way he's got it to his mum.
OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 22/10/2021 15:30

I'd be asking him outright for the phone, you both know it exists so there's nothing to hide

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 15:32

@Amisillyornot

I’d be tempted to ask where the phone is and maybe keep it in your possession. If he gives it you have a chat with him and bring it up tell him you need to talk about it.

If he doesn’t give it to you, he gets defensive or acts blank over it as a diversion he’s worried that you will uncover something else to do with the phone.

If he’s not hiding anything he will give you that phone

QuentinBunbury · 22/10/2021 15:33

Gaslighty little creep
He knows you are upset and is trying to make you talk first
Angry
Poor you

minatrina · 22/10/2021 15:33

Yep, I'd be asking him. You don't need to be secretive, you're well within your rights to ask for the phone and he should know that.

TeeBee · 22/10/2021 15:33

[quote Hopeisallineed]@TeeBee yes, because every marriage is just like this. 🙄[/quote]
Way too many are...from what I read on here and what I see in real life. People putting up with all sorts of crap. And as someone mentioned above, many don't like to lose the lifestyle. That one particularly makes me sick to my stomach. What prisons people build for themselves.