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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
minatrina · 22/10/2021 13:55

@TheEvilPea

OP if you do still want to pursue the extent of the lying, tell him to contact the network provider for a full call history from the phone. Then you'll be able to see when he started and stopped using it.
Ooo, this. If he has nothing to hide, he won't have any problems with doing this for you. If he's innocent, then anyone would know that bringing home a burner phone with your ex-emotional affair partners' numbers in it would look incredibly suspicious, and you'd surely be happy to clear your name.

If he suggests that you're being unreasonable to ask this and tries to refuse, then I think you will essentially have your answer anyway.

todaysdilemma · 22/10/2021 13:57

OP, I would assume all contact on that phone was via Whatsapp and so no call records will exist sadly - so wouldn't take up PAYG credit or show up on phone bill. Only he will know when he stopped contact and what the contact consisted of.

The only other thing I can think of is seeing if there's a way to recover photos. Photos saved from Whatsapp can sometimes get saved to the phone automatically but not sure if there is a way to restore them after they've been deleted. There maybe an app/software for that.

Medex · 22/10/2021 13:57

@TheEvilPea

I believe so. Those phones were favoured by criminals so I believe network providers are required to keep a record of all calls for several years.
I doubt the phone network will give this out easily.
TheEvilPea · 22/10/2021 13:57

Ooo, this. If he has nothing to hide, he won't have any problems with doing this for you. If he's innocent, then anyone would know that bringing home a burner phone with your ex-emotional affair partners' numbers in it would look incredibly suspicious, and you'd surely be happy to clear your name.

If he suggests that you're being unreasonable to ask this and tries to refuse, then I think you will essentially have your answer anyway.

Exactly. If he cares about you and your marriage together and can see he's wrecked your trust again and how upset you are, this would be a very easy way for him to prove his innocence and I can't think of a single, plausible reason why he'd refuse to do it.

TheEvilPea · 22/10/2021 13:59

I doubt the phone network will give this out easily.

They will to the person who the phone is registered to - the OP's DH! In fact they're legally required to provide a copy of any data they hold about him if he requests it.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 13:59

I did not use the burner phone to see OW what's app status. There is no whats app on the burner phone. He must have deleted it.

OP posts:
TheEvilPea · 22/10/2021 14:01

I believe whatsapp also now have to store data on which numbers contacted each other when, though not the content of the messages as that is encrypted so that even whatsapp (apparently) cannot access it.

So your DH is legally entitled to ask Whatsapp for a transcript of any communication between his phone's number and the OW's phone numbers that would show dates and times of contact and frequency of messages etc.

TheEvilPea · 22/10/2021 14:02

@Amisillyornot

I did not use the burner phone to see OW what's app status. There is no whats app on the burner phone. He must have deleted it.
I understand. So you looked up her number on your whatsapp/ whatsapp on his other phone and saw the "hey there I'm using whatsapp" status? All that shows is that she has a whatsapp account, unfortunately. Nothing about contact with specific people.
DeclineandFall · 22/10/2021 14:06

Maybe he hasn't contacted her in 3 years or maybe he carried it on after he told you he'd stopped. It's unlikely he's contacted her recently as he'd be an idiot to bring the phone home. However, the fact is he had an extra phone just for her. That's not what he admitted to 3 years ago. That's not what you forgave him for.
Affairs happen, people's marriages can move on but the worse thing is getting your partner to take you back without frank and full disclosure so they can make a fully informed decision.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 14:08

@TheEvilPea

I believe whatsapp also now have to store data on which numbers contacted each other when, though not the content of the messages as that is encrypted so that even whatsapp (apparently) cannot access it.

So your DH is legally entitled to ask Whatsapp for a transcript of any communication between his phone's number and the OW's phone numbers that would show dates and times of contact and frequency of messages etc.

Really? I didn't know all that.

I have to go collect the little ones soon. He was meant to do it but I texted and said I will. I want to see my kids right now.

OP posts:
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 14:15

@TheEvilPea
No I have not looked up the OW. I have made no effort to contact her. I used my phone and looked up the burner phone of DH whats app. It says Hey, I am using Whats app.
So DH must have used whats app previously on the burner phone and the only contact on the phone was OW so i can guess he must have used it with her.
There are no photos though as the profile pic on burner phone.
But when I went on the burner phone, there was no whats app installed which tells me he must have deleted the app. He deleted everything but stupidly forgot to delete contact.

OP posts:
TheEvilPea · 22/10/2021 14:15

Really? I didn't know all that.

I have to go collect the little ones soon. He was meant to do it but I texted and said I will. I want to see my kids right now.

Yes, for law enforcement purposes they have to hold that data. But as the subject of the data, he is entitled to receive a copy of any data that any company/ Government body hold about him. It can take time to get but they are legally required to provide it, so to set your mind at rest that is what I'd demand he do, if I was you. Any reticence on his part would be the final straw, I am sure.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. My ExH had multiple affairs which I only discovered after he left and that was horrible enough. To be still in a relationship with him and wondering, it must be awful.

You and your children deserve much better and I hope you can get to the bottom of the truth if that will help to give you peace either way. If he is not still lying then I see no reason he'd no cooperate with this and do everything he can to prove his innocence (for the last 3 years) to you. Thanks

TheEvilPea · 22/10/2021 14:17

[quote Amisillyornot]@TheEvilPea
No I have not looked up the OW. I have made no effort to contact her. I used my phone and looked up the burner phone of DH whats app. It says Hey, I am using Whats app.
So DH must have used whats app previously on the burner phone and the only contact on the phone was OW so i can guess he must have used it with her.
There are no photos though as the profile pic on burner phone.
But when I went on the burner phone, there was no whats app installed which tells me he must have deleted the app. He deleted everything but stupidly forgot to delete contact.[/quote]
Ah I see. Yes - you are right - that shows the burner phone's number was registered with whatsapp at some point and he's simply deleted the app. So if not for contacting her, what was he using it for?

I apologise to you and the PP I was discussing it with - it was me that had misunderstood.

NataliaSerene · 22/10/2021 14:20

What is showing for the “last seen” on WhatsApp? Or can you not see that.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 14:20

I'm missing something. Why would he have brought it home and shown it to you if it he knew it was his secret affair phone? And if he'd used it recently, surely he'd have known what it was.

TheEvilPea · 22/10/2021 14:22

@NataliaSerene

What is showing for the “last seen” on WhatsApp? Or can you not see that.
You can only see that in conversations so if the OP has just looked up the OW's number on whatsapp in her own phone and not spoken to her, this will not be visible.
girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 14:23

@PurpleOkapi

I'm missing something. Why would he have brought it home and shown it to you if it he knew it was his secret affair phone? And if he'd used it recently, surely he'd have known what it was.
He did know what it was. He admitted that he lied so OP didn't get upset about the phone.

He brought it home because he was going to give it to his mother. He thought he'd cleared it completely but he'd forgot the contacts.

TheEvilPea · 22/10/2021 14:25

In fact she hasn't looked up the OW's number on whatsapp at all! But even if she did it wouldn't show when last seen online, if there is no mutual contact between OP and OW. And even if hypothetically there was and it did show last seen, this would only show OW was online at that time talking to someone, not who. Most people use whatsapp to talk to friends amd family so I'm not sure how this would help?

minatrina · 22/10/2021 14:28

I do have WhatsApp but very rarely use it so ignore me if this is stupid, but could you maybe re download WhatsApp on the burner phone and log in with the burner phone number, and see if anything comes up? Would that work?

Obviously he could have deleted the actual conversations as well as the app, but given that he forgot to delete OW's contact in his phone, I think it's worth a go.

The absolute worst thing in these situations is not knowing the truth, but all you desperately want is the truth but there's no clear way to get it Sad

KickAssAngel · 22/10/2021 14:29

OP - can you Google the type of phone and find out if it really is 3 years old? It may not help, but it may give an answer.

More importantly - do the actual facts matter? Look at how much time/energy you're spending on this. Is this the kind of marriage you want?

Derbee · 22/10/2021 14:37

I believe that in the right circumstances, relationships can survive affairs, whether emotional or physical.

The problem is, once you’ve broken your partner’s trust, you have to work bloody hard start earning it again. Coming home and pretending he’d found a phone, when he hadn’t, is as damaging as having another affair. He is not allowing you any solid foundation from which you can start feeling secure enough to rebuild the trust.

As an absolute minimum, he owes you COMPLETE TRUTH. Even a small lie about whether he’s taken the bins out/fed the cat/etc etc will have the same effect as a massive lie.

He doesn’t respect you enough to understand how hard both people need to work to rebuild trust. He’s certainly not doing his part, and so I don’t see how you can do your part. Even if the affair is over, this marriage won’t survive his pointless lies.

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 14:38

I will download what's app on the burner phone. If he's used it to contact OW and this number is saved on OW phone then it would show her profile pic i think.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 22/10/2021 14:39

The simple fact that he had a secret phone tells me that this was more than friendship (plus you didn't know about her at the time).

He's going to have to work very, very hard if he wants to rescue this.

QuentinBunbury · 22/10/2021 14:41

If the phone is still logged into his Gmail it might also restore all the chats when you reinstall it

3scape · 22/10/2021 14:45

I mean this nicely OP. Why bother? He's shown himself as only consistent in that he lies. Everything doesn't make sense because it is based on a collapsing set of lies.

You really don't need being treated with such contempt.
Kick him to the curb.

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