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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to shun my needy neighbour

151 replies

honeyikeptthekidsthesamesize · 21/10/2021 19:29

I recently moved into a new house. I have said hello to my neighbour on about 3 occasions and since then she has posted a note through my door, inviting me to a welcome party. Sweet this may have been but the note ended with her suggesting I could borrow her lawnmower. My lawn was a little overgrown at this time, so I wasn't sure if she was hinting or not. I didn't reply to the invite, which might have been a little harsh, but I just like to keep myself to myself. Since then she has spoke to me and told me that she made a cake especially for the occasion and had been expecting me to turn up even though I didn't reply. She is married and lives with her husband. She is quite young, but doesn't seem to go out a lot. Anyway, yesterday she knocked my door several times and I ignored it(I was working and did not know it was her so wasn't ignoring her on purpose). She came up to me today saying she wanted to speak to me yesterday to ask if her relatives could park behind my car. Today she came up to me in floods of tears, saying she is distraught because her close relative has recently passed away. Obviously i'm sorry for her loss, but i barely know her so don't really think it is appropriate for her to be crying to me.

I ignore her all the time, wishing she would get the hint that i like my own company but she seems to always be looking for interaction. AIBU to shun her?

OP posts:
LittleDandelionClock · 23/10/2021 15:15

@Billandben444

You didn't know she was needy when you ignored her invite - how rude. Your only option now is to tell her that you are a rude and selfish nobhead working from home so can't answer the door and that you are very shy and prefer to keep your own company.
What a thoroughly nasty post.

The irony of you calling the OP a 'nobhead.' You couldn't make it up! Confused

I agree with a few posters, (like @LaBellina for example..)

I think all of those posters that are saying how rude the OP has been, have never dealt with intrusive people that won’t take no for an answer and don’t leave you alone unless you become very rude. I also think the neighbour’s behaviour is odd and OTT and it would make me feel uncomfortable as well.

The ones calling the OP rude and nasty either haven't had to tolerate this shit from obsessive needy neighbours, or they ARE an obsessive needy neighbour, and this thread is hitting a raw nerve.

I hope to God some of the people on this thread never move into MY road. I'll be bloody moving to another town if they do. Shock

The outrage and anger from some people on here - because the OP doesn't want to engage with her neighbour - is terrifying. There are some weirdly entitled people on this thread. Like just how DARE someone want to keep themselves to themselves and not be BFFs with every bloody neighbour. Hmm

And as for the passive aggressive 'I hope you never need help from a neighbour' type bollux. I'll take my chances ta. I would rather have no neighbour help if I needed it, and have to wait for a friend or family member to come from 10-15 minutes drive away, than have to put up with the shit the OP is enduring, and have to tolerate anyone like some of the demanding and entitled posters on this thread...

MrsCat1 · 23/10/2021 16:53

Blooming heck. If there is one thing that we might have learned over the last couple of years is to show a bit of kindness to people. Some people are needy. Some people have mental health issues. Some people are socially gauche. But a bit of kindness costs nothing. As someone has said, some of these comments just make me sad.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 23/10/2021 18:01

I’m quite an introverted person and I probably wouldn’t socialise with my neighbours. However, I also recognise the importance of community. You don’t know know when you will need the help of your neighbours. Perhaps you will need to borrow her lawnmower one day, or she might have spare candles in a powercut or maybe one day she’ll be there to drive you to A&E. Don’t burn all your bridges for the sake of it. Politeness costs nothing.

TheChiefJo · 23/10/2021 18:05

"The ones calling the OP rude and nasty either haven't had to tolerate this shit from obsessive needy neighbours, or they ARE an obsessive needy neighbour, and this thread is hitting a raw nerve."

Or, alternatively, they are normal people pointing out that OP's behaviour was rude. No raw nerves involved until yours.

VillageOf8 · 23/10/2021 19:24

I notice no one has said if their answer would change if the NDN was a man doing this and if their answer would change, why? Women can be just as unstable and dangerous as men, and maybe even more so because people like many of the responders here brush it off as loneliness.

YANBU, however you should have politely declined the invite and stated your boundaries. It's not too late. You can say to her I'm sorry, I've been so busy with work I haven't had the chance to say this earlier, but I work from home and also prefer to stay to myself. Thank you so much for the welcome party before, sorry I couldn't make it, but I do like being alone. Or however you want to word it.

Loneliness or mental illness, while unfortunate, isn't your issue to deal with. No one should have to manage some one's loneliness or depression or whatever, that's on them to manage. I have my own issues and don't care about what's going on with my NDN.

Hont1986 · 23/10/2021 20:16

A lot of people on this thread need to read "The Gift of Fear". OP may not be in any physical danger from this neighbour, but it is not good (and I'll even say sexist) to be suggesting that she interact with someone who she is uncomfortable with.

BorderlineHappy · 23/10/2021 21:30

Blooming heck. If there is one thing that we might have learned over the last couple of years is to show a bit of kindness to people. Some people are needy. Some people have mental health issues. Some people are socially gauche. But a bit of kindness costs nothing. As someone has said, some of these comments just make me sad.
@MrsCat1 is kindness only a one way thing then
Ndn wasn't worried when she was crying to a new neighbor.
That's just weird and manipulating.

simitra · 23/10/2021 21:31

Agree with the poster above. The book "Gift of Fear" makes it clear how we as humans can get into some very sticky situations because we rationalise too much or are over concerned with "how things look" socially. Animals dont do that. They act on instinct (fight or flight) when something striles them as "off" and we need to recapture that feeling.

I agree that OP could have declined and stressed her boundaries. She could have done so in a note which made it clear she would not be attending and that she was not into "neighbouring". Thats the only thing she failed to do correctly.

I would be pretty angry and probably go full nuclear if some NDN banged 3 times on my door because they "knew I was in". Thats stalking behaviour.

simitra · 23/10/2021 21:34

Yes and I think the responses would have been different if a man had ignored an invite! Why do women get landed with all that bollocks about being nice and kind and compassionate but its all right to be a bit grumpy and unthinking if you are male?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 23/10/2021 22:32

@simitra

Yes and I think the responses would have been different if a man had ignored an invite! Why do women get landed with all that bollocks about being nice and kind and compassionate but its all right to be a bit grumpy and unthinking if you are male?
No, a man not even bothering to put a note through the door saying "thanks, but I won't be able to attend" would be just as rude. Why do you think anyone would see it differently if it was a man?
Toddlerteaplease · 23/10/2021 22:38

You are very rude. You should have at least replied to her note. It was a kind gesture.

simitra · 24/10/2021 00:28

I think that men are less into "neighbouring" and other time wasting activities than woman as they are less likely to be stuck at home with kids.

Fleshmechanic · 24/10/2021 00:50

I'm the exact same. Just keep doing as you're doing and she'll give up eventually. If she says anything, like a neighbour did once to me, I would say that you're just a private person and don't like to be bothered, it's not personal. Because it's not is it, you just don't want to be bothered at home or chatty chatty all the time. Sounds like she's looking for a friend but she should look further from home lol.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 24/10/2021 08:33

@Cattitudes

I would politely decline invites, requests etc but I would not completely shun because you never know when you will need cordial relationships with your neighbours. Fair enough you might not want to be friends but if their fence blows down into your garden, if they are playing music loudly during work calls, if you are on holiday and someone breaks in. Unless they actually live half a mile away you want to maintain civil relationships with neighbours. I would aim for polite but alof and say that you are working at home and are frequently on important meetings so please not to disturb during those hours.
I have lived in this country for 13 years and have never needed my neighbours.
SunShinesBrightly · 24/10/2021 08:37

@TheReluctantPhoenix

Both of you are behaving equally strangely.

She is overly friendly and you are plain rude.

Sums it up.
MolyHolyGuacamole · 24/10/2021 08:44

@Billandben444

You didn't know she was needy when you ignored her invite - how rude. Your only option now is to tell her that you are a rude and selfish nobhead working from home so can't answer the door and that you are very shy and prefer to keep your own company.
Getting an invite for a party for you from someone you don't know is unhinged needy, clearly based on the following information OP was right. Some people are better judges of character than others I guess
alphabetspagetti · 24/10/2021 08:54

We moved house to a completely different area when DD was a toddler and I was spending a lot of time on MN.
All of the neighbours came over with cards and a token gift (pot plant, some biscuits ... that sort of thing), gave me their phone numbers, asked if there was anything we needed with some saying they could heat stuff up in their oven, run a load of washing, lend DIY tools etc and one did invite me & DD over for a coffee & play with her & her toddler and a couple of neighbours & pre-schoolers.
As a MN devotee, I was quite standoffish thinking they were clearly unhinged and I needed to set some boundaries. Actually, they are just lovely people and I now count myself as very fortunate to have them all in my life.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 25/10/2021 14:53

@alphabetspagetti

We moved house to a completely different area when DD was a toddler and I was spending a lot of time on MN. All of the neighbours came over with cards and a token gift (pot plant, some biscuits ... that sort of thing), gave me their phone numbers, asked if there was anything we needed with some saying they could heat stuff up in their oven, run a load of washing, lend DIY tools etc and one did invite me & DD over for a coffee & play with her & her toddler and a couple of neighbours & pre-schoolers. As a MN devotee, I was quite standoffish thinking they were clearly unhinged and I needed to set some boundaries. Actually, they are just lovely people and I now count myself as very fortunate to have them all in my life.
But did any of them throw you a party or come crying at your door as soon as you moved in?
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 25/10/2021 15:05

If anyone I didn't know told me they were throwing me a welcome to the neighbourhood party I'd be 100% certain they were THE person to avoid!

Weird as all go to hell! It's not freindly, friendly is saying hello, stopping for a chat. Not a command performance - which neighbour and many here seem to think a note through the door constituted!

Invite me when I know who you are.

Weird as fuck. I can't believe ANYONE would do this to a stranger... and then lay on a guilt trip! Nope!

Rude and unpleasant would be posting a reply saying "No, get to fuck"
Ignoring the note completely is a message sent
Posting the damn thing in the first place is a big message in itself too!

Nope, nope, nope!

Keep on good terms with neighbours?
Yeah, well if they didn't pull daft stunts like this then that would be easy to do!

But here on Mumsnet it's always the person being done to that is the rude and unpleasant one!

Again, all the nopes!

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 25/10/2021 15:07

@alphabetspagetti

We moved house to a completely different area when DD was a toddler and I was spending a lot of time on MN. All of the neighbours came over with cards and a token gift (pot plant, some biscuits ... that sort of thing), gave me their phone numbers, asked if there was anything we needed with some saying they could heat stuff up in their oven, run a load of washing, lend DIY tools etc and one did invite me & DD over for a coffee & play with her & her toddler and a couple of neighbours & pre-schoolers. As a MN devotee, I was quite standoffish thinking they were clearly unhinged and I needed to set some boundaries. Actually, they are just lovely people and I now count myself as very fortunate to have them all in my life.
Yeah. That's what is supposed to happen, if you are going to welcome a new neighbour. You welcome them, offer help and then back off. Give them space to find their feet.

Then, if THEY choose to THEY throw a welcome party!!

RockinHorseShit · 25/10/2021 15:32

YADNBU

I've had this in the past. Similar mi to what you described & it escalated from there ownwards with door knocking from 7 am -3am.. cos they saw my light onHmm until I finally snapped, flung open my door & said "what part of I'm an antisocial cow who doesn't want to be disturbed by you, are you not getting, now bugger off & leave me alone" ... I felt a bit mean afterwards, but it worked

Dutch1e · 25/10/2021 15:49

I've had a couple of neighbours like this before (in fact one just moved in next door, also married with kids and has friends but is completely OTT intrusive, needy, and hyper-emotional with strangers).

There's no way out except to be rude, aka "woman drawing boundaries without hinting or simpering."

Well done OP, you've saved yourself months of hassle.

blobby10 · 26/10/2021 10:46

This thread is now in the DM - and the OP didn't come back after their initial post!! Was it really yet another lazy journalist using mumsnet to source a reason for an article? Angry

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 26/10/2021 16:47

Well - I’m sure now the hapless NDN will have got the message

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-10128963/Would-befriend-overly-friendly-neighbour.html

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/10/2021 16:52

Once you're in there you are doomed, you will never get rid of her.