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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to shun my needy neighbour

151 replies

honeyikeptthekidsthesamesize · 21/10/2021 19:29

I recently moved into a new house. I have said hello to my neighbour on about 3 occasions and since then she has posted a note through my door, inviting me to a welcome party. Sweet this may have been but the note ended with her suggesting I could borrow her lawnmower. My lawn was a little overgrown at this time, so I wasn't sure if she was hinting or not. I didn't reply to the invite, which might have been a little harsh, but I just like to keep myself to myself. Since then she has spoke to me and told me that she made a cake especially for the occasion and had been expecting me to turn up even though I didn't reply. She is married and lives with her husband. She is quite young, but doesn't seem to go out a lot. Anyway, yesterday she knocked my door several times and I ignored it(I was working and did not know it was her so wasn't ignoring her on purpose). She came up to me today saying she wanted to speak to me yesterday to ask if her relatives could park behind my car. Today she came up to me in floods of tears, saying she is distraught because her close relative has recently passed away. Obviously i'm sorry for her loss, but i barely know her so don't really think it is appropriate for her to be crying to me.

I ignore her all the time, wishing she would get the hint that i like my own company but she seems to always be looking for interaction. AIBU to shun her?

OP posts:

LaBellina · 22/10/2021 14:18

I think all of those posters that are saying how rude the OP has been, have never dealt with intrusive people that won’t take no for an answer and don’t leave you alone unless you become very rude. I also think the neighbour’s behavior is odd and OTT and it would make me feel uncomfortable as well.
I agree that at least replying to the invite would have been nicer but I think the OP senses somewhere deep down inside that she might set herself up for a lot of neighbour intrusion and mandatory socializing. I have generally always had a very good relationship with my neighbours but my previous one was very lonely and I deliberately avoided her sometimes because she would talk to me for hours if given the chance and would comment and gossip to others about everything she noticed from what I was doing. I understand the OP’s hesitation. Be civil and polite but not too friendly.

MareofBeasttown · 22/10/2021 14:19

I think anyone asking if they can park behind your car is being polite and considerate. As for the crying, people have been tested by the pandemic in ways no one could predict.

goldshade · 22/10/2021 14:22

Really rude to not reply to her invitation.
You sound at different ends of the neighbour spectrum.
It doesn't hurt to have manners or empathy though...I mean you, OP

LaurieFairyCake · 22/10/2021 14:28

I think you missed an opportunity with the invite.

I'd have said 'no thanks, I don't want a welcome party - I like to keep myself to myself. Thank you for the offer'

I'm really antisocial but I've still heard of people doing welcome parties for new neighbours

And you definitely don't have to be her friend - if you'd declined the invite and said you like being alone she might have fucked off

WildfirePonie · 22/10/2021 14:38

YANBU.

Sounds intense and suffocating.

simitra · 22/10/2021 14:43

I work at home so time is money to me. My time has a cost.

The very last thing I want to be lumbered with is a needy or whiney NDN. I had it once before because I was a bit soft.

I dont agree that OP is being rude to keep herself to herself. However I would have replied to the invitation with a brief message saying something like:-

"Thanks for the invitation which I do appreciate. However please dont take this personally but I am not really into neighbouring and do like my own space."

I think this makes the situation here in a polite and civil way.

None of my neighbours have my phone number or even know my surname - unless they looked on the land registry. I fitted cctv cameras for the precise purpose of seeing who is at my door. Unless its an expected visitor or a courier with a parcel I dont usually respond.

One of the good things about covid is that it put a stop to all the doorstep timewasters but now they are beginning to creep back. No thanks.

Hont1986 · 22/10/2021 14:44

Inviting you round for a cup of tea I could maybe understand, although I still wouldn't like it myself. Inviting you round to a 'welcome party' where she had baked a cake is nutter territory. Steer well clear.

simitra · 23/10/2021 02:09

Soon after I moved in my CF neighbour asked me for my first name, surname and title without once telling me her name, even when I remarked on this. She then asked me for my phone number. I told her that my phone number was for friends and family and not random people. She said "But Im your neighbour"

"Yes your a random person who happens to live next door and who hasnt yet had the courtesy to tell me their name, even though you asked mine".

She never did tell me her name. I looked her up on the land registry and discovered that she and her partner have different names, the date when they moved in, how much they paid for their house and a whole lot of other information.

She would be horrified.

user1471538283 · 23/10/2021 08:06

I think it's people who do not have the experience of how suffocating needy neighbors can be that think you have been rude. After my experiences I want nothing to do with neighbors.

My time during the day is money and it is stressful having to break the day and catch up. I would do so in a heartbeat for my loved one but not a neighbor.

Billandben444 · 23/10/2021 08:15

You didn't know she was needy when you ignored her invite - how rude. Your only option now is to tell her that you are a rude and selfish nobhead working from home so can't answer the door and that you are very shy and prefer to keep your own company.

PaulaTrilloe · 23/10/2021 08:42

I had a CF neighbour who lived 4 doors away. It felt like I was being stalked as she would see me walking home from work and ring my doorbell for prolonged time so much so she actually broke it.
Another time I was in the kitchen late at night she tapped on my window. I had the blinds shut. She would peer in my letter box and shout "I know you are in there". It was grim. She would ask for a bottle of wine or to borrow £5. Finally she got some help for her drinking & drug use after an adult social services referral.. it was extreme attention seeking..

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 23/10/2021 08:48

She may be a wee bit pushy, but you are coming across as insanely rude. Is it that hard to make polite chitchat with a neighbour?

fargo123 · 23/10/2021 09:43

Regardless of anything that's happened afterwards, you initially ignored her invite to a party which is hugely rude. Would it have been hard to say thanks but no thanks? Dress it up however you like but don't confuse liking your own company with being plain rude, because from here you just look rude.

I agree.

TheChiefJo · 23/10/2021 10:47

@LaurieFairyCake

I think you missed an opportunity with the invite.

I'd have said 'no thanks, I don't want a welcome party - I like to keep myself to myself. Thank you for the offer'

I'm really antisocial but I've still heard of people doing welcome parties for new neighbours

And you definitely don't have to be her friend - if you'd declined the invite and said you like being alone she might have fucked off

This is right. You could have politely declined and made your intentions clear in one go.

mycatisannoying · 23/10/2021 13:25

You're incredibly rude.

ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 13:35

@SnarkyBag

You seem pretty rude and unpleasant so hopefully she’ll get the hint soon

It's neither rude nor unpleasant to wish not to attend a tea party with a stranger, new neighbour or not. Ditto not being up for becoming neighbour's New Best Friend by default.

I would have offered comfort for the crying episode, but remained wary, because I would not wish to become new neighbour's unelected emotional support human.

I like to choose my friends & acquaintances slowly, not have them thrust on me unwillingly.

coronabeer · 23/10/2021 13:50

Sometimes AIBU can be a bit of an eye-opener, seeing how very differently people view things.

I think YABU.

If you didn't respond to her invitation, what was she supposed to do? She probably worried that you might turn up after all and it would be embarrassing if she wasn't ready for you. I still cringe about an incident, years ago, when I turned up for a dinner party and the host hadn't expected me. I was sure I'd told her I was coming; she didn't remember my doing so and therefore assumed I wouldn't show. It was extremely embarrassing for both of us.

And the parking incident.. this was the same day she told you her close relative had died? So maybe she was a bit stressed that family visitors might not have anywhere to park? And, you know, was a bit less rational and more highly strung than normal?

It saddens me to think that a majority of people think that your behavior is reasonable.

ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 13:51

Rats, was so caught up with trying to parse WTF the lawnmower comment was all about, that I missed that you failed to respond to the tea party invitation.

That was pretty rude, & as PP have said, a lost opportunity for you to set out your stall - "thanks, but I'm busy with the move & WFH, not in the frame of mind for a party but it was kind of you to think of me."

Same goes for her perfectly reasonable request about the car parking. The woman's allowed to talk to you! - & you are surely assertive enough to ensure you are not talked at?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 23/10/2021 13:53

@ChargingBuck

You've missed the point. Very few said she should have attended, but most of us think she should have declined the invite. It's normal behaviour.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 23/10/2021 13:53

@ChargingBuck

X-post

ChargingBuck · 23/10/2021 13:56

No worries @JesusIsAnyNameFree :)

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 23/10/2021 13:56

Do you think the OP is shunning us? 😁

MrsCat1 · 23/10/2021 14:31

Op you were incredibly rude not to have responded to that invitation. What would it have cost you to say 'thanks but no thanks' or indeed you might just have popped round for half an hour to say hello. You may like to keep yourself to yourself but god forbid that you should ever need a friendly neighbour. Give your head a wobble.

CecilieRose · 23/10/2021 14:39

@coronabeer

Sometimes AIBU can be a bit of an eye-opener, seeing how very differently people view things.

I think YABU.

It saddens me to think that a majority of people think that your behavior is reasonable.

Absolutely. It's appalling behaviour.

I agree that it's not unreasonable to take a lack of response as a 'yes' or at least a 'maybe', especially if it was a get together with other neighbours. She would have been half expecting OP to drop in. You don't have to be besties with neighbours but a reply of 'Parties aren't really my thing but thanks for the invite' wouldn't have killed her, would it?

TheChiefJo · 23/10/2021 14:50

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Do you think the OP is shunning us? 😁

Yep.

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