Page 3 | AIBU to shun my needy neighbour

honeyikeptthekidsthesamesize · 2021-10-21T18:29:35+00:00

I recently moved into a new house. I have said hello to my neighbour on about 3 occasions and since then she has posted a note through my door, inviting me to a welcome party. Sweet this may have been but the note ended with her suggesting I could borrow her lawnmower. My lawn was a little overgrown at this time, so I wasn't sure if she was hinting or not. I didn't reply to the invite, which might have been a little harsh, but I just like to keep myself to myself. Since then she has spoke to me and told me that she made a cake especially for the occasion and had been expecting me to turn up even though I didn't reply. She is married and lives with her husband. She is quite young, but doesn't seem to go out a lot. Anyway, yesterday she knocked my door several times and I ignored it(I was working and did not know it was her so wasn't ignoring her on purpose). She came up to me today saying she wanted to speak to me yesterday to ask if her relatives could park behind my car. Today she came up to me in floods of tears, saying she is distraught because her close relative has recently passed away. Obviously i'm sorry for her loss, but i barely know her so don't really think it is appropriate for her to be crying to me. I ignore her all the time, wishing she would get the hint that i like my own company but she seems to always be looking for interaction. AIBU to shun her?

Time40 · 21/10/2021 21:17

YANBU to keep your distance, but you were bloody rude (and cruel) not to reply to the invitation.

beigebrownblue · 21/10/2021 21:18

I live in a second floor flat.

I wanted to get the outside of my windows cleaned.
I can't do them myself and decided to phone the window cleaner.

The window cleaner pointed out that my downstairs neighbours should be asked in case any drips which might be dirty would go onto their windows.

I agreed. And said that I would pay for downstairs windows to be cleaned too as it would be easier.

The window cleaner said he would throw in the whole block.

Just asked my window cleaner to knock briefly on the doors of the other flats to say it was being done. No problem.

Noone looking into any flats at all. It is just a big pole with a brush. Takes five mintues per flat.

Just met my downstairs neighbour on the street and they wouldn't speak to me. At all.

There is a kind of madness I feel creeping over with Covid and society in general where people are so suspicious of one another it is untrue.

If someon knocked on my door and said my windows were being cleanend for free I would almost hug them if it weren't for covid.

The world has really gone totally bonkers.

godmum56 · 21/10/2021 21:18

@Vanuatu

I agree with you completely op, she has no right to invade your life. I have real life experience of this and it won't happen again.

me too and yes....once bitten

Gilly12345 · 21/10/2021 21:20

The neighbour sounds lonely and needy and you sound very rude and not friendly.

thefirstmrsrochester · 21/10/2021 21:24

She extended a gesture of welcome to you, would it have hurt to have said thanks and gone in for a bit?

Aderyn21 · 21/10/2021 21:25

Beige, that post was bonkers!
OP yanbu to not want to get sucked into a stranger's life. I would have responded to the invitation, but the rest of it is ott. Polite but distant is the best way to be with neighbours imo - get too involved and you have no escape, even if they are lovely people. It's hard to back off at that point without causing bad feeling.

Sidge · 21/10/2021 21:29

Invade your life? Jeez. Some of you are bonkers.

She made an attempt to be friendly and welcoming. Ok maybe a little intense but how hard would it have been to say sorry but I can’t make it? Then she knocked asking if it was ok to park behind your car. Just good manners IMO. Being upset that a relative has died is just human. It’s not like she wanted to come in and asked for a cuddle.

Be as rude and standoffish as you like, but don’t then complain that you don’t get along with the people who live next door, can’t ask them any favours or don’t have anyone to call on in an emergency.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 21/10/2021 21:29

@thefirstmrsrochester

She extended a gesture of welcome to you, would it have hurt to have said thanks and gone in for a bit?

Well, no one should have to go anywhere they don't want to but the polite thing is to respond to an invite, especially if you plan on not showing up.

beigebrownblue · 21/10/2021 21:32

@Aderyn21

Beige, that post was bonkers! OP yanbu to not want to get sucked into a stranger's life. I would have responded to the invitation, but the rest of it is ott. Polite but distant is the best way to be with neighbours imo - get too involved and you have no escape, even if they are lovely people. It's hard to back off at that point without causing bad feeling.

No. Not bonkers. Just because you pass the time of day with someone doesn't mean you are somehow '

'sucked in to someone's life'.

No. Not 'bonkers' at all.

beigebrownblue · 21/10/2021 21:35

@Sidge

Invade your life? Jeez. Some of you are bonkers.

She made an attempt to be friendly and welcoming. Ok maybe a little intense but how hard would it have been to say sorry but I can’t make it? Then she knocked asking if it was ok to park behind your car. Just good manners IMO. Being upset that a relative has died is just human. It’s not like she wanted to come in and asked for a cuddle.

Be as rude and standoffish as you like, but don’t then complain that you don’t get along with the people who live next door, can’t ask them any favours or don’t have anyone to call on in an emergency.

Yes, being upset because a relative has died is just that. Human as you say Sidge.

Heaven knows
we have been living through a global pandemic for two years or more.

Isn't anyone, ever, allowed to be upset?

And yes, don't be surpirsed OP if there is no one to call on in an emergency then, I would say.

beigebrownblue · 21/10/2021 21:38

@thefirstmrsrochester

She extended a gesture of welcome to you, would it have hurt to have said thanks and gone in for a bit?

I agree with this.

You could have stayed for ten minutes max and been really polite and that's it.

No problem

?

GemmaRuby · 21/10/2021 21:45

Okay throwing a new neighbour a welcome party, with cake is not usual behaviour. And not getting the hint and continually trying to insert herself into OP’s life is not normal neighbourly behaviour.

Did she actually throw the party (at a specific time etc with other people invited)? Or just say she wanted to have a welcome party for you?

If this was a man persistently knocking at OPs door etc I’m sure no-one would have any issue saying it is bordering on harassment.

Yes, it would have been polite to reply to the note, but you could probably sense it was a slippery slope to crazy town.

Oh4Tunas · 21/10/2021 21:47

Of course people are allowed to be upset and tearful when someone they care about has died, but that's not a reason to go to a neighbour you barely know and cry "at" them. Especially since she has other family in the area (the ones who wanted to park behind the OP's car) and lives with her husband. She has a support network, in other words. OP is not part of that, because they have hardly spoken.

If it turns out that the woman was just wiping some tears as she walked by, that's different, but it sounds like she came to the OP expecting to be consoled. That's strange, given that OP hasn't exactly been chummy with her so far!

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 21:49

Yes, it would have been polite to reply to the note, but you could probably sense it was a slippery slope to crazy town.

My thoughts exactly, and her throwing in that op can borrow their lawnmower? Then the persistent knocking and the crying...Yikes. Red flags all over the place.

beigebrownblue · 21/10/2021 21:51

Oh for goodness sake.
Think Op and all those in support need therapy.

Cheeseandlobster · 21/10/2021 21:53

@Imdoingitnow

How rude and unkind of you. You're making big assumptions about your neighbour - she's needy she's weird etc etc

This. No-one is saying you must be friends with her because you absolutely do not. But you have been very rude not bothering to decline her invitation. You don't sound very pleasant op.

vixeyann · 21/10/2021 22:03

Personally I would give a wide berth. When I had my first flat I was always friendly if I saw the downstairs neighbour but then she started waiting for my car to park and be waiting by the door to spill out tales of woe. She then started knocking on my door at weekends at 7am to borrow jump leads to start her car...literally every Sat morning, despite knowing I worked all week and had to travel for my masters every other weekend. Unfortunately, some people do cling on and you have to be fairly blunt.

Justcallmebebes · 21/10/2021 22:13

What is it with this Mumsnet thing of not answering your door? I've never come across this before, it's bizarre. You were rude to the poor woman as it wouldn't have killed you to answer her invite even if you are too weird to have accepted it

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 21/10/2021 22:14

I’ve been on the end of this over-the-top, needy behaviour more than once.

YANBU.

There’s a difference between shoving a note through saying ‘pop round on Tuesday for a quick cuppa to say hello if you fancy - we’ll be in!’ and ‘you’re cordially invited to a welcome party. RSVP’

My most recent brush was with a school mum who told me all about every single drama and crisis in her life during only our second conversation, asked for my phone number, tried to message me and friend me on Facebook after conversation number 3 and then sent in a home made costume for the Easter play for my child even though I’d never indicated I wanted or needed one…… it carried on from there. Any response - even a no - was taken as an invitation to continue engaging and just try harder. I very quickly adopted ignoring and avoiding.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 21/10/2021 22:15

And the next time I come across someone like this I’ll be practicing ignore and avoid from the get go.

LittleDandelionClock · 21/10/2021 22:34

I think @beigebrownblue may be the OP's neighbour............ 👀

LittleDandelionClock · 21/10/2021 22:36

@HestersSamplerofCarrots

I’ve been on the end of this over-the-top, needy behaviour more than once.

YANBU.

There’s a difference between shoving a note through saying ‘pop round on Tuesday for a quick cuppa to say hello if you fancy - we’ll be in!’ and ‘you’re cordially invited to a welcome party. RSVP’

My most recent brush was with a school mum who told me all about every single drama and crisis in her life during only our second conversation, asked for my phone number, tried to message me and friend me on Facebook after conversation number 3 and then sent in a home made costume for the Easter play for my child even though I’d never indicated I wanted or needed one…… it carried on from there. Any response - even a no - was taken as an invitation to continue engaging and just try harder. I very quickly adopted ignoring and avoiding.

Yep this. ^

You have people on this thread who have been hounded by needy and clingy people, and you have people who ARE those clingy and needy people.

The latter are standing out a mile. 👀

LittleDandelionClock · 21/10/2021 22:36

YANBU @honeyikeptthekidsthesamesize

LittleDandelionClock · 21/10/2021 22:37

YANBU @honeyikeptthekidsthesamesize

LittleDandelionClock · 21/10/2021 22:37

@BoxOfDreams

I can't believe anyone thinks YABU. You just happen to have moved in next door to this person, you don't owe her anything. Smile and nod, smile and nod, but keep your distance. I may sound harsh, but believe me I've been there with a needy neighbour. I got to the stage of parking in a different street so they don't know I was home!

This. ^ @honeyikeptthekidsthesamesize I think YANBU to keep shunning her. It's the only way she will leave you alone. You have already been understandably quite aloof, and she is STILL bugging you. Imagine how clingy and needy she will be if you start being too friendly?! And why the F did she have a welcome party for you? What a strange thing to do for someone you don't know! A welcome card and a plant or a box of chocolates would have been nice, but a fucking welcome party?!

I had something similar (some 8-9 years ago,) with a woman in the area I live being clingy and intrusive and annoying. I met her at a hobby group and saw her at the local pub sometimes... I was friendly towards her as I am with everyone, and she saw it as me wanting to be best mates!

She kept coming round to my house if I didn't answer her text within 10 minutes, and sometimes waited outside the house (in her car) if I didn't answer the door. She waited for up to an hour a few times!!! I had to stay hidden!

And when I started to avoid her/not answer her phone messages/make excuses to not see her, she started telling everyone we know that I was avoiding her. I kept getting asked (by 3 or 4 people we both knew) why I wasn't going around to her house, and why I wasn't answering her messages. They said 'she is really worried about you!

It was awful, and went on for about a year. In the end I had to actually (sadly) drop the other 3 or 4 friends (well, they were more like friendly acquaintances really, but they were decent company, at the pub and a couple of hobby groups.)

The more time went on, the more they mithered and went on about her, because she kept going on at THEM. I got sick of it. Every time I saw them, the first thing they said was 'have you seen Linda?'

Not 'how are you Dandelion? How's the kids? How's work? How's the family?' Just 'have you seen Linda?' or how's Linda?' One time I said to one of them (whilst smiling,) 'you live closer to Linda than I do. Go knock on her door and ask her if you wanna know how she is!'

Fuxake!

tl;dr So yeah, you need to be brutal! Keep snubbing her. You cannot be nice to people like this.