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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to shun my needy neighbour

151 replies

honeyikeptthekidsthesamesize · 21/10/2021 19:29

I recently moved into a new house. I have said hello to my neighbour on about 3 occasions and since then she has posted a note through my door, inviting me to a welcome party. Sweet this may have been but the note ended with her suggesting I could borrow her lawnmower. My lawn was a little overgrown at this time, so I wasn't sure if she was hinting or not. I didn't reply to the invite, which might have been a little harsh, but I just like to keep myself to myself. Since then she has spoke to me and told me that she made a cake especially for the occasion and had been expecting me to turn up even though I didn't reply. She is married and lives with her husband. She is quite young, but doesn't seem to go out a lot. Anyway, yesterday she knocked my door several times and I ignored it(I was working and did not know it was her so wasn't ignoring her on purpose). She came up to me today saying she wanted to speak to me yesterday to ask if her relatives could park behind my car. Today she came up to me in floods of tears, saying she is distraught because her close relative has recently passed away. Obviously i'm sorry for her loss, but i barely know her so don't really think it is appropriate for her to be crying to me.

I ignore her all the time, wishing she would get the hint that i like my own company but she seems to always be looking for interaction. AIBU to shun her?

OP posts:
quitefranklyabsurd · 21/10/2021 20:36

She threw you a welcome party and you didn’t bother even saying you weren’t going? That’s pretty cruel tbh.

She might not be your cup of tea but you don’t need to be so mean.

greedygut · 21/10/2021 20:39

No YANBU
I cannot see why the OP is being unfair , she has just moved in which is hard work , she is busy with work , she is cracking on with her life and values her privacy so why should she be branded as rude because some needy weirdo happens to live next door and wants to bombard her life with demands and over familiarity

Oh4Tunas · 21/10/2021 20:41

Not replying to the invite was a bit rude, though I understand not wanting to deal with it. It's too much, too soon. Welcoming you would've been nice, but a "party"?! Overkill.

However, given how over-the-top she's been since then, I'd also keep my distance from her. Coming to you, a stranger who just happens to live next door, when she was in tears over a death in the family... That's so awkward, especially since she has other family and a husband to comfort her. Crying to you doesn't sound like normal behaviour. I'd worry she's either emotionally unstable or attention-seeking. Either way, I wouldn't want to become her emotional support person.

Cherrysoup · 21/10/2021 20:43

I’m sorry, I’d be equally mean. I made the mistake of being friendly with a neighbour and she was extremely shady and never left us alone.

AspCommie · 21/10/2021 20:45

Bless her, she sounds kind, but it haaaattee a welcome party. I think I would have had to reply from the start with a note through her door saying thanks for the offer but I'm a quiet person and do not like the attention of parties, I prefer to keep to myself.

I'm sure some people would consider my response rude in itself but I'd rather get my position out there early on.

I'm very happy to take in parcels/water plants/feed pets, but I really don't want to involve myself in neighbourhood socialising.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2021 20:47

@Cherrysoup

I’m sorry, I’d be equally mean. I made the mistake of being friendly with a neighbour and she was extremely shady and never left us alone.
Refusing to be be someone's friend isn't mean. No one is obligated to be anyone's friend, ever, for any reason. The only thing any of us should feel beholden to do is to be polite when contact can't be avoided, that's it.
AspCommie · 21/10/2021 20:47

@quitefranklyabsurd

She threw you a welcome party and you didn’t bother even saying you weren’t going? That’s pretty cruel tbh.

She might not be your cup of tea but you don’t need to be so mean.

But that's like people throwing baby showers for people that don't want one. It's not kind if the recipient doesn't want it.

It was presumptuous of the NDN to have the party without OP agreeing to come.

TaraR2020 · 21/10/2021 20:50

I mean, you don't have to be friends with her and its fine to keep your distance but you've been very rude so far. Wouldn't kill you to be polite.

No need to shun Hmm

OtterAndDog · 21/10/2021 20:51

Your neighbour sounds draining, steer clear. You don't owe her anything.

Imdoingitnow · 21/10/2021 20:56

How rude and unkind of you. You're making big assumptions about your neighbour - she's needy she's weird etc etc

JacquelineCarlyle · 21/10/2021 20:58

YANBU Op - can't believe anyone thinks you are. I'd be polite but reserved & keep my distance.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 21/10/2021 21:00

Everyone saying 'she's probably lonely'...why is that OP's problem? Sounds a nightmare

Throwing someone you don't know a party is bizarre 🚩🚩🚩🚩

ThesecondLEM · 21/10/2021 21:00

How rude not to reply to the invite.

Your neighbour sounds lovely, you on the other hand, you're one of those people

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 21/10/2021 21:02

You were so rude to not send her a note back thanking her for the kind invite but explaining you couldn't make it. I really can't believe you did that!

She does however sound a bit full on, though she sounds very kind as well.

unlikelytobe · 21/10/2021 21:02

I would have thought there were ways of conveying your lack of interest in being a friend without coming across as rude and mean. Yes, she sounds lonely and needy (give her an inch and she might take a mile!) but you sound assertive enough to fend her off. You should have replied to the invite, a polite 'no thanks'. Next time she approaches you why not just tell her "I'm a private, busy person. Hope you understand I don't mix much." She should back off.

Burnerphone21 · 21/10/2021 21:05

Omg is it the neighbour who didn't have a kettle and kept asking for loo roll? Old thread from few years back

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/10/2021 21:07

Are you hoping she'll take the hint without you having to say anything to her?

It would be better to be polite but firm.

Thank you for the offer but I have my own mower.

That's very kind of you but no, I'm quite busy.

No, that won't be possible, I prefer to keep my access clear.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I hear Cruise are very helpful, you could Google their website.

Just ignoring someone and hoping they'll vanish is not a mature way to deal with things like this.

beigebrownblue · 21/10/2021 21:09

@Lockheart

She does sound overfamiliar, but you were rude not to decline the invitation.

You don't have to be friends, but you can be civil while being distant.

I think it was a lovely gesture of hers, even if it didn't suit you, you could at least have said thank you, or even given her a bunch of flowers or something and made it absolutely clear you wanted to keep yourself to yourself.

Is this so difficult?

I have a neighbour who is similarly difficult.
They have caused no end of issues.

I agree with civil without being distant.

You might need each other at some point along the line.

We are in a global pandemic and I would go the extra mile.

A smile doesn't cost you. It was a nice invitation and it sounds like it was well meant.

you could at least have thanked her.

BorderlineHappy · 21/10/2021 21:12

This has SWF written all over it.
About the party what person throws a party for someone they dont even know.More so @honeyikeptthekidsthesamesize didnt even reply.
And being over familiar.I think the op is right to be wary.

TheChiefJo · 21/10/2021 21:12

Why didn't you reply to the invitation to say 'no thanks'? She does sound odd but you sound rude.

Porcupineintherough · 21/10/2021 21:14

@SnarkyBag

You seem pretty rude and unpleasant so hopefully she’ll get the hint soon
^^Absolutely this
BudrosBudrosGalli · 21/10/2021 21:15

OP, I do not think you are rude at all. I would give someone like this a wide berth too, as I learned the hard way to ignore the signs of very needy, emotional people. I work from home and really do not wish for contact with next doors neighbours, nor be drawn into their issues, as both sides are bored and do not work. An invite is not a summons and she sounds a bit OTT and unhinged. You moving next door is not a solution for her being lonely.

TheChiefJo · 21/10/2021 21:15

@JacquelineCarlyle

YANBU Op - can't believe anyone thinks you are. I'd be polite but reserved & keep my distance.
OP wasn't polite though.
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/10/2021 21:15

The people saying it was rude to ignore the (massively OTT) invitation would have a point if the neighbour hadn’t then turned on the waterworks afterwards. If she was so offended and upset she wouldn’t have tried to involve OP, a near total stranger, in her private stuff.

Telling a new neighbour to pop by for a pint of milk is friendly.

Trying to throw someone a party they don’t want, telling them to mow their lawn and weeping on them is completely bizarre.

I feel sorry for this woman but OP isn’t obliged to get to know her at all.

Vanuatu · 21/10/2021 21:17

I agree with you completely op, she has no right to invade your life.
I have real life experience of this and it won't happen again.