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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Christmas Meal - do I have to go?

112 replies

Goldfishmountainclimber · 21/10/2021 13:44

My work are planning a team Christmas meal. It will cost £40. I get along fine with my workmates but we are definitely colleagues rather than friends.

My problem is that I don’t want to go to the meal but at the same time don’t want to appear unfriendly.

Our family operates on very careful budget. We have to watch everything so as to get by each month. We do not eat out or get takeaways. The supermarket shop is a weekly set budget. Children’s clothes and uniform is passed down (same gender). I haven’t bought any clothes for myself for a few years. We have also chosen to help out some extended family who have been adversely affected by the pandemic. So in these circumstances, I do not want to spend £40 on a work Christmas meal!

AIBU to decline? And what should I say? I don’t really want to tell them that I can’t afford it.

OP posts:
cleckheatonwanderer · 21/10/2021 13:46

Have they set a date? Say you have plans already?

Motnight · 21/10/2021 13:47

Just say that you are unable to go, due to a prior engagement, but hope that they have a fantastic time.

pasturesgreen · 21/10/2021 13:48

Unless it's a very small team, you're unlikely to be the only one not going anyway. Just say you're worried about the Covid risk in a crowded public place, or as the PP said, make up a prior engagement if you know the date.

00100001 · 21/10/2021 13:50

I'd be busy...

Youdoyoutoday · 21/10/2021 13:52

It's a cheek that you have to pay for a work do!! I wouldn't go on that principle alone!

Sn0tnose · 21/10/2021 13:52

I’d say that you’d love to go, but it very much depends on the date, as you have lots already booked in. And then when they announce the date, you look dismayed and say ‘oh no, what a shame, I can’t make it’.

TheSoapyFrog · 21/10/2021 14:06

Just say you can't make it. I used to organise the work Christmas dinner and I would send an email around to about 75 people and out of those about 30 would actually go. It's no big deal if you don't want to.

LittleDandelionClock · 21/10/2021 14:09

@Goldfishmountainclimber Tough one. I would just say you have plans on that night. You could even say it's too much money. Not that you cannot AFFORD it, more that you have no wish to spend that kind of money on one night out.

DH has a works do. We have both been invited. It's the second Saturday in December, and he is working on that day (2pm til midnight,) so will have to finish at 6pm to enable him to go. Losing 6 hours pay. So almost £70.

Also, we live around 13 miles from the venue (the rest of the 16 people going live 1-2 miles from it,) so we will have to pay £50 for a taxi there and back. And the 'do' itself is £50 a ticket.

It's a fancy ballgown type 'do' with a Frank Sinatra type singer, and a 6 course meal. 1 course is coffee and bloody after-eight mints! There's a shitload of food too. Neither me OR DH can eat so much food in one sitting.

And then we have the price of drinks of top - probably another £30-40.

So nearly £200. And that's not including the outfits. As we have no ballgown/ball attire type of clothes, we will have to buy or rent something. Add onto this the £70 he loses in wages, and we are looking at around £350 for the cost of this ONE night out.

Unsurprisingly we are NOT going ... DH has been honest and said 'it's WAY too much money, and we are not going. Several people pulled a face, and he said 'ok then YOU buy the tickets for us, pay for our taxi there and back, and pay for the rental of the outfits, and give me the money I will lose for the 6 hours I have to drop to be able to go, and we will both be there!' They shut up then!

Also we are going out of New Years Eve anyway. (With actual friends!) to the pub 15 minutes walk away, where a disco and buffet is £15 each. And we can wear what we want! And can easily walk there and back.

Thehop · 21/10/2021 14:14

“So sorry, we’ve already made plans so I can’t make the meal. I’ll bring some mince pies into the office on the last day. Hope you all have a great time. “

edwinbear · 21/10/2021 14:15

I usually find, 'I'd love to join you but have childcare issues that night' usually works.

Sleepyquest · 21/10/2021 14:15

Let them decide a date and then
'Oh sorry, we have family visiting then'

Thehop · 21/10/2021 14:16

Though I’ve been honest with my friends and said “£50 would pay for me and the kids to go to the cinema, I’m sorry I can’t justify it. Lots of love, have a glass of fizz for me”

cardibach · 21/10/2021 14:16

@Youdoyoutoday

It's a cheek that you have to pay for a work do!! I wouldn't go on that principle alone!
Really? I’ve always had to pay (teacher) as does my daughter (3rd sector). Must be a private sector thing. I’d always expect to pay for a night out.
Rainallnight · 21/10/2021 14:19

@Youdoyoutoday I’m civil service and we always have to pay too. Senior people (like me!) put in more so more junior people pay much less.

AliceinBorderland · 21/10/2021 14:20

I'm not strapped for cash but I would resent paying £40 to socialise with colleagues too.

skippy67 · 21/10/2021 14:21

We always have to pay for our work do too. Also civil service. Good thing we've got our "gold plated" pensions to look forward too though...

Youdoyoutoday · 21/10/2021 14:21

@cardibach must be! I've never paid for a works night out in 20 odd years of working!

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 21/10/2021 14:21

If it's outside of working hours then just say you can't come, you have plans or childcare issues, on that night and all others in case they try to rearrange to suit you. If it's within the working day when you would be at work anyway then that's awkward. You might just have to be honest and explain that it's too expensive. You might find several colleagues are relieved if you're the first one to say it. £40 must be expensive for a lot of your colleagues too!

Stickytreacle · 21/10/2021 14:22

This used to bother me every year, until I became older and wiser and was honest about it not being my thing, but hoped they all had a lovely time. Nobody took offence, and if they had it would have been their problem. It's ridiculous that people feel obliged to turn up for things that they can't afford, you may well find that you aren't the only one anyway.

flowery · 21/10/2021 14:24

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Goldfishmountainclimber Tough one. I would just say you have plans on that night. You could even say it's too much money. Not that you cannot AFFORD it, more that you have no wish to spend that kind of money on one night out.

DH has a works do. We have both been invited. It's the second Saturday in December, and he is working on that day (2pm til midnight,) so will have to finish at 6pm to enable him to go. Losing 6 hours pay. So almost £70.

Also, we live around 13 miles from the venue (the rest of the 16 people going live 1-2 miles from it,) so we will have to pay £50 for a taxi there and back. And the 'do' itself is £50 a ticket.

It's a fancy ballgown type 'do' with a Frank Sinatra type singer, and a 6 course meal. 1 course is coffee and bloody after-eight mints! There's a shitload of food too. Neither me OR DH can eat so much food in one sitting.

And then we have the price of drinks of top - probably another £30-40.

So nearly £200. And that's not including the outfits. As we have no ballgown/ball attire type of clothes, we will have to buy or rent something. Add onto this the £70 he loses in wages, and we are looking at around £350 for the cost of this ONE night out.

Unsurprisingly we are NOT going ... DH has been honest and said 'it's WAY too much money, and we are not going. Several people pulled a face, and he said 'ok then YOU buy the tickets for us, pay for our taxi there and back, and pay for the rental of the outfits, and give me the money I will lose for the 6 hours I have to drop to be able to go, and we will both be there!' They shut up then!

Also we are going out of New Years Eve anyway. (With actual friends!) to the pub 15 minutes walk away, where a disco and buffet is £15 each. And we can wear what we want! And can easily walk there and back.[/quote]
Your DH’s work is expecting him to take unpaid time off work to attend the Christmas do??

Anonymous48 · 21/10/2021 14:28

I don't think you need to give a reason. Just "Sorry, I can't make it" should suffice.

Polmuggle · 21/10/2021 14:34

Just say you have plans. Don't overthink it, its not mandatory!

Hillarious · 21/10/2021 14:36

@Youdoyoutoday

It's a cheek that you have to pay for a work do!! I wouldn't go on that principle alone!
It's possible you've not had the pleasure of working in the public sector.
shouldistop · 21/10/2021 14:39

@Youdoyoutoday in the public sector we don't even get a tea bag let alone a work do paid for Sad

Once they set the date just say you're busy. It's fine.

DedalusBloom · 21/10/2021 14:47

If it's a small team do be careful that they don't do what happened to me and say "Oh no, you must come! Let's find a date that works for you!"

Cause then you're fucked.

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