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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum walked out

139 replies

RaginaPhalange · 20/10/2021 23:05

Bit of background first. My mum and dad divorced about 5 years ago. She done something she shouldn't have in an already rocky part of their lives. My dad and brother have nothing to do with her anymore.

Fast forward to last Friday, I got married, dh is the father of my two children and we've been together since we were very young. All my family knew my mum was invited and vice versa. They were all happy to attend. About 1 hour after the ceremony my mum walked out, first thing she said to me was I'm leaving and walked away from me, I tried to ask why but she continued to walk. The day continued and it was great, everyone else enjoyed themselves. Two days later I get a text asking how are you? I replied fine and ended it at that because I was still angry and upset. A while later another text I guess you're not talking to me? We argued a lot. She said she left because she couldn't stand not being able to talk to my brother and his son. Then it was because his partner kept looking over at her and not saying anything. She made it all about herself. Not one apology from her. Everytime I told her how I felt it was like oh but poor me.

AIBU for still being pissed off? I'm not sure I want to continue a relationship with her.

Anyone with any advice? I've told her I get it must be hard not to be able to talk to your child but it was our day and I just feel like she tried to make it about herself. It was humiliating having everyone come up to me and ask where she was.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 21/10/2021 00:20

She sounds toxic OP. It's hard when a parent isn't what a parent should be but by the sound of it, your brother and Dad have cut her out...she must have done something very bad?

Without knowing what it was, it's hard to comment properly. What did she do?

Catflapkitkat · 21/10/2021 03:00

First of all - congratulations on your wedding.

On first reading I thought your mother left your wedding because she thought a 'scene' was about to erupt and she wanted to save you the embarrassment but her absence did cause a drama. Her 'poor me' attitude is seems very immature, I am so glad you didn't let it ruin your day. Only you can decide how you want to proceed with this - do you still want her in your life. She missed her daughter's wedding. She will never get that back. Have you thought about putting your side of things into a letter - that way you won't have to listen to her 'what about me'

MacMahon · 21/10/2021 03:28

Two days later I get a text asking how are you? I replied fine and ended it at that because I was still angry and upset.

Why didn’t you just tell her the truth?

LeavesOffTheCactus · 21/10/2021 03:36

My son is 3 so it’s hard to compare, but trying to see it from her viewpoint I can understand finding it hard to be in a room with your child and not be able to talk to them.

I’m not casting judgment on your brother for not talking to her - I’m sure he has his reasons.

YourFinestPantaloons · 21/10/2021 03:44

I think it absolutely depends on what she did. And if it's something people can forgive but won't - in which case I see her point of view.

redtshirt50 · 21/10/2021 03:54

I think you're underestimating how hard that situation would have been for her. For most people, that would be an impossible situation to be in and people don't always act rationally when they are feeling extremely emotional.

I think it is a bit extreme for you to cut her off over this incident alone. She could have left in a more sensitive way or explained herself to you better, but that's not a unforgivable offence.

Would you have preferred she break down in tears / storm over to your dad or brohter and create massive scene - which may have been the alternative?

Flowerpowwer6 · 21/10/2021 03:56

Tbh I can understand her leaving. Who did your mum sit with? Who did she talk to.

Perhaps there was poor communication on both sides here. I mean your mum obviously felt uncomfortable.

The people asking where your mu was when she left... did they make an effort to speak to her?

GingerScallop · 21/10/2021 03:57

I can see why it might be upsetting for a mum to see but not be able to speak to her son and grandchild. Especially if they haven't talked in ages. I don't know what she did in the past but perhaps finding that she's well and truly not forgiven even on such an occasion was hard and expressing that without putting herself in it might be difficult. She might also have felt embarrassed or that everyone was talking negatively about her or viewing her negatively. Whether this is a correct assumption on not is a different matter but it might have made her uncomfortable or even emotional. This is not to minimise how upset you are or how her making it all about her is difficult for you.
Take a few days to think this through from all sides and make your judgement. Whatever she did in the past, you (seem to have) decided to stay in touch with her. What were your reasons? Perhaps that rather than what happened on a single day should have more weight in your decision. Perhaps use this to address what she did in the past and seek healing if that hasn't been done already ( it doesn't seem to be the case).
Above all, don't let it ruin the memories of your special day. Congratulations

Longdistance · 21/10/2021 04:02

She’s sounds like a drama llama. She was supposed to support you on your wedding day, instead she made it about herself.
I’m not surprised you df and db don’t speak to her, she’s sounds selfish.

gonnabeok · 21/10/2021 04:02

The same happened to me OP at my wedding. My mum and dad divorced when I was a teenager. My dad had an affair. It was very acrimonious and my mum hated my dad. As a result I left for my wedding from a hotel as my mum wouldn't have my dad at her house.My mum and dad did have photos with me. My mum stayed for the reception and left an hour later. I must admit I was really disappointed, but years later I know she never forgave him and I've now cut her some slack. I still had a good day.

Obviously it's different for you because your mum was the one who has done whatever she did. She probably felt humiliated by those who are not talking to her. That is their choice. It's still raw for you at the moment, but in years to come your anger will wane.Dont let it over ride your good memories of the day.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2021 04:26

Your mum is a drama queen.

Nothing you say will ever change her.

The only thing you can change in this situation is how you respond to her. Don't bite when she fishes for your attention.

I recommend a book by Susan Forward - 'Toxic Parents'.

Notsurewheretogo · 21/10/2021 04:46

It really depends.

What is she usually like?

Is it likely your sil did keep staring at her?

Its entirely possible she left because she was genuinely being made to be uncomfortable and she knew it would get worse and impact your day.

My best friend sister hates me. We don't really know why, she dislikes quite a few of my best friends, friends. At a event for my best friend I attended spoke to a few people then left as the sister and her adult dd were making it so uncomfortable and drawing attention to the fact that she dislikes several people her younger sister is friends with. She made it hugely uncomfortable, I left early.

After I left, the sister ended up ruining the event by having a go at one of the friends she doesn't like. It turned into a huge argument and ruined my friends night. We all knew she was going. She knew we were all going but couldn't keep a lid on her hostility to ensure her sisters event went well.

While your dbro and sil may have been happy to attend while your mother was there, doesn't mean they didn't contribute to this situation by making sure she felt more uncomfortable than she needed to and making the whole situation worse.

Of course you mum may have made that up about sil. I don't know.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/10/2021 04:49

yanbu.
The wedding didnt just randomly happen anď catch her off guard. She knew the situation, she knew it wasnt about her, she had time to prep and put on a game face.
Really poor behaviour on her part.

Prob cold comfort... but weddings really do bring the arseholes out of the wood work (and it is often not the ones you'd expect)
Everyone i know has a "horror story" of sorts from their wedding. I do too and it def effected my relationship with those people negatively.
I'd be deeply unimpressed by the poor me baby attitude and lack of remorse. She'd be getting fairly short shrift from me.

Waspsarearseholes · 21/10/2021 05:56

It's all very well saying she felt embarrassed, hurt, humiliated, etc but her behaviour afterwards is what would piss me off most I think. Had she have phoned the next day explaining that it all just got too overwhelming/emotional or whatever and apologising then ok, it might not have been so bad. But to text after with 'I take it you're not talking to me?' is outrageous. That's what people say when they know they've done something wrong and are expecting the other person to be annoyed.

miltonj · 21/10/2021 06:02

It sounds incredibly difficult for your mum. It also sounds like she left quietly without making a scene, whilst also making sure she said goodbye to you and stayed for the important bit. Can't really fault her from what you've written.

Sirzy · 21/10/2021 06:11

She stayed for the service and then left without a fuss to avoid a scene? I think that’s probably the sensible decision really as hard as I am sure it will have been for you.

It sounds like the history means rne longer they where all together the more chance of a scene which I’m sure nobody wanted

AliceAbsolum · 21/10/2021 06:15

She sounds incredibly emotionally immature. Your Dad and brother have not gone NC for no reason.
I'd back right off and let her get on with her drama creating.
It's horrible when parents have no insight into themselves or how to be an adult but there is nothing you can do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/10/2021 07:33

YANBU to be upset. YABU to not acknowledge how hard it will have been for her to attend your wedding. If it were just your dad, who doesn’t speak to her, I’d say she was a drama Queen. But her ds. That will kill.

As a parent, can you not understand how difficult this would be? Perhaps your dcs are too young to contemplate this?

Yes, your mum should have apologised. It sounds as though she doesn’t know how to. So it degraded into and argument. By the sound of it, neither of you are listening to the other. Your mum was telling you how hard it was for her. But you couldn’t listen because you were telling her how hard it was for you.

If you want the dynamic to change, it is easiest to see the others POV. This doesn’t mean capitulate. It means ‘I understand and am sorry it was difficult for you. I am upset you left my special day and want an apology.’ This is not an apology to her. It’s recognising she was distressed. Do not get dragged into fighting over that one. It’s an expectation you have of her…. If that’s what you want.

JuneOsborne · 21/10/2021 07:37

Every one is hurting. No matter whose fault it is/was.

You can either let it go, or carry the grudge. Your call.

But it's never easy when there's a family full of hurt.

5zeds · 21/10/2021 07:40

Just tell her it’s fine and nobody really noticed.

Stop worrying about it. She either did her best and couldn’t cope OR she didn’t try hard and left to cause a drama. Either way it’s not your problem, just focus on your day.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 21/10/2021 07:40

Congratulations on your wedding OP!

This situation is literally the consequences of her own actions coming home to roost, and she needs to be adult enough to deal with it as such.

The fact she couldn't get over herself enough to keep your day special and about your marriage shows the lack of consideration she has for you - personally I'd be so hurt by this. She could have very easily kept herself busy by speaking to other guests, dancing / have a drink etc but instead decided to announce her leaving to the bride (attention seeking much?!) and make it an issue for other guests is unforgivable for me.

If she isn't able to be happy enough for you to deal in mature manner with the situation (that from your OP she caused) then I wouldn't have a relationship with her, the level of disrespect she showed to you on that day would be a dealbreaker for me.

Dojacatpaws · 21/10/2021 07:51

Her behaviour was not great but She sounds very troubled, and it sounds like your day was mainly ok

JaneDoe21 · 21/10/2021 07:52

YANBU. It was your wedding and she spent it making the day about herself and bugging you by text.
I would tell her how your feeling though, avoiding it won't help anyone.

CovidCorvid · 21/10/2021 07:56

She could have left but done so in a much nicer manner….come and explained that she felt uncomfortable, given you a hug, wished you well, etc. Flouncing off and ignoring your attempts to talk to her is immature….she would have known it would have upset you on your wedding day. Sounds very selfish.

Porcupineintherough · 21/10/2021 08:01

She's so upset she cant talk to her son that she sets out to cause upset at her daughter's wedding?

Sorry OP , she's a toxic, self centred drama llama and I suspect youll be happier if you keep her at arms length and concentrate on your own family.

Congratulations on your marriage btw.