Mum walked out

[RaginaPhalange]

Bit of background first. My mum and dad divorced about 5 years ago. She done something she shouldn't have in an already rocky part of their lives. My dad and brother have nothing to do with her anymore.

Fast forward to last Friday, I got married, dh is the father of my two children and we've been together since we were very young. All my family knew my mum was invited and vice versa. They were all happy to attend. About 1 hour after the ceremony my mum walked out, first thing she said to me was I'm leaving and walked away from me, I tried to ask why but she continued to walk. The day continued and it was great, everyone else enjoyed themselves. Two days later I get a text asking how are you? I replied fine and ended it at that because I was still angry and upset. A while later another text I guess you're not talking to me? We argued a lot. She said she left because she couldn't stand not being able to talk to my brother and his son. Then it was because his partner kept looking over at her and not saying anything. She made it all about herself. Not one apology from her. Everytime I told her how I felt it was like oh but poor me.

AIBU for still being pissed off? I'm not sure I want to continue a relationship with her.

Anyone with any advice? I've told her I get it must be hard not to be able to talk to your child but it was our day and I just feel like she tried to make it about herself. It was humiliating having everyone come up to me and ask where she was.

[quote 5zeds]@Porcupineintherough hard to tell but many many people have affairs as their marriage does and lonely people are often taken advantage of by this sort of foreign romance. I honestly doubt a man doing the same would be vilified in quite the same way. What has she actually done to OP? Was she supposed to stay married to a man she obviously wanted to divorce so her adult children could approve of her. This is a human being with as much right as zany of us to pursue happiness.[/quote]
It definitely is a man's world

@redtshirt50

I think you're underestimating how hard that situation would have been for her. For most people, that would be an impossible situation to be in and people don't always act rationally when they are feeling extremely emotional.

I think it is a bit extreme for you to cut her off over this incident alone. She could have left in a more sensitive way or explained herself to you better, but that's not a unforgivable offence.

Would you have preferred she break down in tears / storm over to your dad or brohter and create massive scene - which may have been the alternative?

This definitely.

Going against the grain for the most part, your family sound over dramatic. I don't think your mom did anything wrong. Her son cut her off and is no contact over an affair?! To me that's ridiculous. And she did absolutely nothing wrong at the wedding. She attended the ceremony then went home as I think most mothers would not want to spend an evening in a room with your own children and grandchildren you aren't allowed to speak to, wtf that's cruel. Then she was nice enough to text how are you after the wedding. Yeah affairs suck but it's not exactly a hangable offense.

I’m just imagining the replies had the Dad been the one to have an affair and walk out of the wedding.

Everyone would be falling over themselves to say hard it be for your mum and how horrible it would be for her and brother as well as what a bad parent he was and how damaging it would be for and to cut him out.

The double standards on here are astonishing. Mums really can really do no wrong

@ShaneTheThird

Going against the grain for the most part, your family sound over dramatic. I don't think your mom did anything wrong. Her son cut her off and is no contact over an affair?! To me that's ridiculous. And she did absolutely nothing wrong at the wedding. She attended the ceremony then went home as I think most mothers would not want to spend an evening in a room with your own children and grandchildren you aren't allowed to speak to, wtf that's cruel. Then she was nice enough to text how are you after the wedding. Yeah affairs suck but it's not exactly a hangable offense.

My brother has cut her off for his own reasons and no one can change that. Again she was told they would be there, was others she knew and could've spoken to as well as others she hadnt met before. Also the text was a load of rubbish and couldn't even be arsed to message the following day sorry I had to leave but.... I would've appreciated that a hell of a lot more than the shite she sent me. Or better yet pull me a side on the day but no she didn't.

@Notamumonhere esp if he'd walked out on his marriage to go and pick up young women in a foreign country, can you imagine?

@Notamumonhere

I couldn't agree more.

I think it’s less about being happy about it and more about being at peace with it. If you don’t think it would help then obviously don’t do it.

Wow the drama llama here is not your mother.....

She made a mistake, you are making a soap opera.

I think this is so overly complicated there's isn't blame at one person's door.

I would be extremely uncountable if mum was going abroad and sleeping with younger men and financing them. I have a moral objection to it to people travelling abroad and paying younger people in a poorer country for sex. Its exploitation.

But you decided to start speaking to your mother and invite her.

All the 'she could speak to dhs family' isn't even the point

You brother may have said he was fine with her going. But his wife was clearly, happy to make her feel uncomfortable. Are you laying any blame at your sils door for this? She couldn't just let your mum attend?

Your mum saw the wedding. That's the important bit.

I wouldn't ever condone an affair. But it appears you are putting the blame for the whole wedding situation at your mum's feet . Your dad could have been amicable with her for 1 day, to ensure your day was more relaxed and enjoyable. So could your brother. Your sil could have not kept staring at her.

I think she has been punished enough and I think the other people in your story could have done other things, to make your day better. I don't think your mum is blameless. But I think you are ignoring everyone else's part, ignoring that they put their hurt of something that happened years ago, before you and your day

The amount of posters on here that seem to think women/mothers can do no wrong is frightening! Never would a man's affair but justified on here

At no point has OP vilified her mother for her actions, she merely stated them to give context as to why her DB/DF do not speak to her. And realistic, I'm sure the affair will not be the only reason her DB has cut of contact.

YANBU in my opinion, everyone's point about not speaking with her son may be reasonable if it was a more distant family members wedding but it wasn't. It was her DAUGHTER ffs. She made her bed, she has to lie in it. But fwiw she sounds incredibly self centred, I have family members like this and they'll never see it any other way so best kept at arms length usually.

I don't agree. OP mother made effort she came to the wedding initially she didn't have to. She could of easily turned around to OP and said she isn't coming at all.

Family dynamics can be complicated and it is not strange that OPS mum felt overwhelmed and left... I mean if I've ever felt anxious I don't think I would start announcing either at a busy wedding I would just leave too in that scenario although I would of explained this VIA later.

@Notamumonhere

I’m just imagining the replies had the Dad been the one to have an affair and walk out of the wedding.

Everyone would be falling over themselves to say hard it be for your mum and how horrible it would be for her and brother as well as what a bad parent he was and how damaging it would be for and to cut him out.

The double standards on here are astonishing. Mums really can really do no wrong

If you want to flip the script. A lot of men have affairs and the wome stay!

Anyway whatever OPS mum did is not the point here.

The amount of posters on here that seem to think women/mothers can do no wrong is frightening! Never would a man's affair but justified on here hmm I honestly think the exact opposite. The number of people who seem to think women no longer have autonomy once they are married with children is sickening. I doubt anyone would praise a man for waiting for his children to be grown and then leaving his marriage, but it’s hardly remarkable is it?
If you are unhappy in your relationship you can leave. We don’t sew scarlet letters on women’s chests anymore, nor do we stone them.

@Catflapkitkat

First of all - congratulations on your wedding.

On first reading I thought your mother left your wedding because she thought a 'scene' was about to erupt and she wanted to save you the embarrassment but her absence did cause a drama. Her 'poor me' attitude is seems very immature, I am so glad you didn't let it ruin your day. Only you can decide how you want to proceed with this - do you still want her in your life. She missed her daughter's wedding. She will never get that back. Have you thought about putting your side of things into a letter - that way you won't have to listen to her 'what about me'

She didn't miss the wedding which is the important bit, she missed the party afterwards. Which given that your Dad and brother entertaining to get may not have been the wrong decision.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Wow the drama llama here is not your mother.....

She made a mistake, you are making a soap opera.

My 2 year old knows we apologise when we make mistakes.

OP's mothers offered no apology.

It seems to me that your mum may have spent a lot of time working herself up to go to her daughter's wedding and then in the event found it too much. So instead of staying and there being potential scenes, she upped and left without a fuss?

Kudos to her, if that is the case, because she did the right thing. It is really really difficult when there is a family rift to know how to handle these occasions. In my extended family that has lead to someone marrying into the family wanting to invite the whole family and getting a "if X is going then Y and Z won't come and if A goes then X and B won't go" ad infinitum. It happened to me and i chucked the invitations at my DHs family and said "decide among yourselves and tell me by X date how many are coming"

That is one way of avoiding potential conflict. Your mum seems to have tried to go and see her daughter on one of the most important days of her life, and not been able to handle it after all?

Also: people have to learn that if you say "fine" and you don't mean it, you can't then get snippy when people either take you at your word or assume you're doing that British thing of never saying what you actually mean.

Anyway. Congratulations on your wedding. Give it a while and have a chat with your mum.

@girlmom21 apologise for what? For leaving the reception? For leaving her marriage? For not texting OP on her honeymoon to explain why she left?

Op, your mum is a PITA and as an adult you can clearly see it. Its just all about her. She wants you to cajoule her and fuss over her. I couldn't be arsed with this, you have kids you dont need another. You need a mother. Sorry you didn't get one. Make your own wee family your life and leave her to get on with hers.

@ssd

Op, your mum is a PITA and as an adult you can clearly see it. Its just all about her. She wants you to cajoule her and fuss over her. I couldn't be arsed with this, you have kids you dont need another. You need a mother. Sorry you didn't get one. Make your own wee family your life and leave her to get on with hers.

Dreadful advice. Would you be so flippant about your own family as you are being about OP’s? It’s not an episode of Eastenders.

[quote 5zeds]@girlmom21 apologise for what? For leaving the reception? For leaving her marriage? For not texting OP on her honeymoon to explain why she left?[/quote]
For leaving without explanation. She text two days later. She didn't apologise - she went into self-preservation victim mode.

You brother may have said he was fine with her going. But his wife was clearly, happy to make her feel uncomfortable. Are you laying any blame at your sils door for this? She couldn't just let your mum attend?

Where have I said my sil was making her uncomfortable? I haven't so stop making up scenarios that didn't happen.

@RaginaPhalange

You brother may have said he was fine with her going. But his wife was clearly, happy to make her feel uncomfortable. Are you laying any blame at your sils door for this? She couldn't just let your mum attend?

Where have I said my sil was making her uncomfortable? I haven't so stop making up scenarios that didn't happen.

So you didn't say, in your Op, that your mum said the partner kept looking over but not saying anything?

It made your mum uncomfortable.

Its quite clear, that you don't believe that it was difficult for you mum and that, even if it was, she should have got over it for your day

But you haven't expected the same from your father and brother. They don't seem to appear to have had to get over it for the your day.

Your mum might be a pita, but alot of this is caused by the other people in your family and you seem to want to only blame her because of a fuck up she made made quite a few years ago.

If you still hold this against her, I think you need to be more clear with her about that. And keep her at arms length

So you didn't say, in your Op, that your mum said the partner kept looking over but not saying anything?

That's what she said first then the reasons started changing. Also my sil will speak to her if she sees her.

But you haven't expected the same from your father and brother. They don't seem to appear to have had to get over it for the your day.

What have my dad and brother done exactly apart from not talking to her. They were going about talking to others

Yes but can't you see that the whole thing might have been really difficult gor her and leaving (the wedding) was the best thing?

She's the outsider here - in her shoes I'd have done the same. Don't try to "atch her out" for why she left, she might not really know herself.

If you're going to have a relationship with her, you both need to find a way forward, and not keep harping on about stuff thst is done - except to find strategies to avoid it in the future.

Did you really want her at the wedding? Did she really want to go? Were you both doing things you thought the other wanted without really checking that it's really what you both wanted?

On the face of it her past actions were bad. Very bad. Is it more shocking and hurtful because it's usually men who do thst kind of thing?