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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum walked out

139 replies

RaginaPhalange · 20/10/2021 23:05

Bit of background first. My mum and dad divorced about 5 years ago. She done something she shouldn't have in an already rocky part of their lives. My dad and brother have nothing to do with her anymore.

Fast forward to last Friday, I got married, dh is the father of my two children and we've been together since we were very young. All my family knew my mum was invited and vice versa. They were all happy to attend. About 1 hour after the ceremony my mum walked out, first thing she said to me was I'm leaving and walked away from me, I tried to ask why but she continued to walk. The day continued and it was great, everyone else enjoyed themselves. Two days later I get a text asking how are you? I replied fine and ended it at that because I was still angry and upset. A while later another text I guess you're not talking to me? We argued a lot. She said she left because she couldn't stand not being able to talk to my brother and his son. Then it was because his partner kept looking over at her and not saying anything. She made it all about herself. Not one apology from her. Everytime I told her how I felt it was like oh but poor me.

AIBU for still being pissed off? I'm not sure I want to continue a relationship with her.

Anyone with any advice? I've told her I get it must be hard not to be able to talk to your child but it was our day and I just feel like she tried to make it about herself. It was humiliating having everyone come up to me and ask where she was.

OP posts:

SilverTotoro · 21/10/2021 08:04

Congrats on your wedding! I’m sorry this happened to you it must of been upsetting but I’m glad you still went on to have a good day.

You know your mum best - was she overwhelmed and left to avoid a scene - or is this a pattern of making everything about her? The tone of her text to you and the fact your DB is nc suggests to she could be selfish/toxic. For me intent is the main thing - if someone especially a parent always thinks of themselves first it can become too much and you may need to protect yourself from future hurt. If that’s the case it’s ok to be annoyed and to take a step back for your own wellbeing. If that’s not the case and this was a one off in difficult circumstances then I’d try and let it go.

Idreamofpizza · 21/10/2021 08:11

If she truly couldn't cope with being there then there were much better ways for her to manage that. If she really couldn't speak to you at all as she left then she could have sent you a message as soon as she was away and feeling calm enough to explain how sorry she was and why she was leaving. She could have called you the next day to apologise again, tell you how sorry she was not to have been there for all of your wedding day and to ask you all about it. She chose not to do either of those things. In my view it's very selfish behaviour on her part.

TidyDancer · 21/10/2021 08:19

This really does depend a lot on what she did and anything that has happened since. She might've been acting like a spoiled child, but she might also have been removing herself from a situation that was painful and likely to escalate. If it's the latter, that probably trumps you feeling embarrassed.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/10/2021 08:19

I'd be very disappointed in her.
You took a risk against the family by inviting her.
She should have put her feelings aside for one day.

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 08:21

If she was sorry, she'd have said so. If she'd been at a point where she genuinely couldn't cope, she'd have told you there and then or at the very least explained it a short time later.

She's selfish and playing the victim to keep you on side. I have a mother who's very similar. She upset you on your wedding day and couldn't even apologise.

Fuck her.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 21/10/2021 08:35

If you tell her you're fine when you're not, it's just an excuse for her to play innocent & get away with stuff.
'You said you were fine!!'

Say mum, I'm angry & upset by the way you acted. Can we talk about it.

Hemingwayscats · 21/10/2021 08:39

MIL did this on our wedding day too. IL’s had divorced also about 5 years prior, MIL cheated on FIL for years with none other than his best friend so when he found out he was understandably devastated. He was graceful and largely tried to stay away from her so he could still enjoy the day. She flounced off after no time at all then made a big scene the next day saying FIL had just made it impossible for her to stay. She is quite emotionally immature with possible undiagnosed bipolar so we’re used to erratic behaviour now.

I think your MIL is also quite immature. She made the mistake that lead to their divorce and it was half a decade ago as well. Sometimes you just need to be an adult about awkward situations for the sake of other people.

Hemingwayscats · 21/10/2021 08:40

Sorry that should have read Mum not MIL. Congratulations though, I hope it hasn’t marred your lovely day too much .

Chloemol · 21/10/2021 08:53

Perhaps she thought this might be an opportunity to build some bridges but your brother didn’t want to know

Whatever she did your father and brother said they would be ok with her attending. Would it really have hurt your brother to say hello and her is your grandson?

Perhaps she felt uncomfortable as she felt everyone else was looking at her?

At least she came, which possibly was hard for her

I think your brother and his partner had a part to play her in her leaving like she did

fargo123 · 21/10/2021 08:55

YANBU.

I'd probably cut my parent out of my life if they did this to me on my wedding day.

Did your mum have an affair? If so, I can't blame your dad and brother for cutting her off.

Whatever the reason, she sounds horrible, immature and selfish, and I'd damn well tell her how/why you're so angry.

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 08:58

Whatever she did your father and brother said they would be ok with her attending. Would it really have hurt your brother to say hello and her is your grandson?

Don't put the blame on to the brother.
I've gone NC with my mother because she's selfish and toxic and I don't want my children exposed to her behaviour.

If the brother has gone NC, he's got a good reason for it and it shouldn't be on him to be civil and try to build bridges.

How confusing for the child too. "Oh that's your grandma who we don't see but you've got to say hello and play happy families today"? Nope.

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 09:25

Thank you to everyone who has replied, the wedding was great!

To answer a few questions.
-Mum did have an affair. Went off to a foreign country to meet up with men younger than me. Sent them gifts, money etc.

I answered were fine because I was absolutely shattered. My 8 month old was up all night (teething related)
this is not the first time she's been selfish, it's been happening as long as I can remember.

I forgave her 5 years ago. I had just had my eldest ds and I thought I was doing the right thing so he had a relationship with her. There will be lots more family gatherings and I don't want my kids to go through what I just did.

Also to the person who said I don't realise it from her point of view. I already acknowledged it was difficult for her to be there but in the end it was my day and my dh's day. He has been a major part in her life (since I was 16). There was lots of people there that she could've spoken to. Its a bit shit when all you do is give and give and get zero in return.

OP posts:

5zeds · 21/10/2021 09:35

You forgave her for having an affair?

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 09:40

@5zeds

You forgave her for having an affair?

I'm not sure why your confused about this.

OP posts:

5zeds · 21/10/2021 09:49

Because I don’t think a parent having an affair is something that most children would feel they had to forgive. She broke her vows to her husband, and he may or may not be reasonable in expecting an apology. It sounds like you were already adult with your own children at the time.

GingerScallop · 21/10/2021 09:52

@5zeds

You forgave her for having an affair?

@5zeds Why is this confusing? If you are implying an affair cannot be forgiven, some people find forgiving heals them or forgive because they have certain beliefs - religious or not that require forgiveness or that empower them when they forgive. If you are implying her mum wasnt married to her, well yes, affairs hurt more than the spouse so others can forgive too if they so wish.

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 09:55

@5zeds

I didn't want anything more to do with her but gran had a lot to do with me eventually responding to her. I'm sorry if it was unclear but yes I was an adult. I was just about to have my eldest when the affair happened.

OP posts:

Plastic01 · 21/10/2021 10:00

Cant believe that everyone thinks your poor mum is being unreasonable....

She had to attend a wedding with her son and his family refusing to speak to her and giving her dirty looks. Did she have people to speak to or was she treated like a lepar all day? I would have walked out in her position also. Your side sounds like the toxic ones.

nokidshere · 21/10/2021 10:04

Personally I don't see what the problem is. She was invited to the wedding, she attended the service, she stayed for an hour after and she didn't cause a scene?

That sounds like a good outcome in the circumstances.

queenMab99 · 21/10/2021 10:08

You did what you could, don't let it spoil your memories, your mum found it hard and had to leave, but that is not your responsibility. I would just accept your mum for who she is. I think, without knowing the whole story, this was quite a good result, no loud arguments, your mum just quietly left, and has since explained how she felt.

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 10:08

@Plastic01

Cant believe that everyone thinks your poor mum is being unreasonable....

OP has already said there are loads of people she could have socialised with. She just chose to focus on the ones who she knew didn't want anything to do with her then acted like the injured party when they didn't want anything to do with her.

She then made a dramatic exit to the OP, wouldn't discuss the issue and hasn't ever apologised. Instead, she's just played the victim.

Ozanj · 21/10/2021 10:10

Your parents divorced 5 years ago when you and your brother were adults. That you are still treating her this badly suggests your side is the toxic one. Why did you invite her really? Was it to rub in the fact that her family isn’t talking to her? Did you let her bring a guest? Honestly for someone who ‘just wanted their mum’ at the wedding you haven’t treated her well at all.

Mamette · 21/10/2021 10:13

OP my mother had an affair with a younger foreign man, giving him money etc etc, it destroyed our family so I completely get why you would be upset and why it’s a “forgive” situation.

As regards the wedding I think your mum was unreasonable, drama queen behaviour, she should have put you first on your big day.

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 10:20

@Ozanj

Oh away you go. Treating her badly? Please explain how I have done this. She was given the invite and we told her till we were blue in the face that my brother and dad would be there. She said she was absolutely fine with it and told us she was up for a good time and couldn't wait to see us all especially the kids as they had kilts. She chose not to talk to anyone. She chose to walk out. Could she have spoke to me? Yes I believe she could've but she didn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 10:23

@girlmom21

Thank you! I'm glad I'm not going insane and thinking she could've spoke to others. There was plenty people she hadn't met before and could've introduced herself.

OP posts:

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