Mum walked out

[RaginaPhalange]

Bit of background first. My mum and dad divorced about 5 years ago. She done something she shouldn't have in an already rocky part of their lives. My dad and brother have nothing to do with her anymore.

Fast forward to last Friday, I got married, dh is the father of my two children and we've been together since we were very young. All my family knew my mum was invited and vice versa. They were all happy to attend. About 1 hour after the ceremony my mum walked out, first thing she said to me was I'm leaving and walked away from me, I tried to ask why but she continued to walk. The day continued and it was great, everyone else enjoyed themselves. Two days later I get a text asking how are you? I replied fine and ended it at that because I was still angry and upset. A while later another text I guess you're not talking to me? We argued a lot. She said she left because she couldn't stand not being able to talk to my brother and his son. Then it was because his partner kept looking over at her and not saying anything. She made it all about herself. Not one apology from her. Everytime I told her how I felt it was like oh but poor me.

AIBU for still being pissed off? I'm not sure I want to continue a relationship with her.

Anyone with any advice? I've told her I get it must be hard not to be able to talk to your child but it was our day and I just feel like she tried to make it about herself. It was humiliating having everyone come up to me and ask where she was.

I don’t get families where people cut each other off, take sides like a tribal war etc.

I can understand your Dad being devastated by an affair, and not want contact, but for your brother to cut off his own Mum and not let her see grandchild?

And now you are all about the ‘shall I cut her off?’.

She should have handled it better. She could have said ‘it’s been lovely, so happy to see you married, but I think it’s time to leave, talk soon’.

I can imagine it WAS painful for her to see a grandchild across the room and have to stay apart. Get hostile looks all day.

Is it possible to just talk to her, tell her how you feel, and listen to how she feels?

Then it was because his partner kept looking over at her and not saying anything

From your OP.

This is what a lot of people are picking up on.

Your tone to them is coming across as quite confrontational/ argumentative!

OP,

You know your mother and you know how she has behaved towards you historically.

If this is just more upset on other upset, perhaps you need to step back and see less of her.

From what you have written she doesn't appear to bring much joy to your life.

She chose to have and affair, that was her decision to make, and give family money to these men?

If that is the root of the upset, then she has to accept the consequences of her actions.

Your brother has every right to choose not to be in contact with his mother.

I would try not to allow this to spoil the memory of your day and I don't think arguing with your mother will get you anywhere.

Take some space to figure out how much contact you actually want with her.

You have your own family to focus on now and you really don't need this stress with young children.

Did you really want her at the wedding? Did she really want to go? Were you both doing things you thought the other wanted without really checking that it's really what you both wanted?

Yes I wanted her at the wedding. Yes she wanted to go she kept saying how much she was looking forward to it all, the meal, first dance etc. Anytime we seen her that is why she would say and she understood that my dad, brother, sil and my nephew would be there.

On the face of it her past actions were bad. Very bad. Is itmoreshocking and hurtful because it's usually men who do thst kind of thing?

The reasons she gave for doing what she did was a tough pill to swallow.

Is it possible to just talk to her, tell her how you feel, and listen to how she feels?

We've spoke it was all about how she felt. I tried to tell her how I felt but the response I got was well if that's how you feel I won't bother you again. I explained that of course I was going to tell her how I felt and that response was well now it's your choice if you talk to me or not. I don't have time for that childish behavior. I understand how hard it would've been for her.

@EdgeOfTheSky

I don’t get families where people cut each other off, take sides like a tribal war etc.

I can understand your Dad being devastated by an affair, and not want contact, but for your brother to cut off his own Mum and not let her see grandchild?

And now you are all about the ‘shall I cut her off?’.

She should have handled it better. She could have said ‘it’s been lovely, so happy to see you married, but I think it’s time to leave, talk soon’.

I can imagine it WAS painful for her to see a grandchild across the room and have to stay apart. Get hostile looks all day.

Is it possible to just talk to her, tell her how you feel, and listen to how she feels?

If you can’t see why some people cut each other off then you are very fortunate. Not every parent is a good parent sadly.

@RaginaPhalange

Did you really want her at the wedding? Did she really want to go? Were you both doing things you thought the other wanted without really checking that it's really what you both wanted?

Yes I wanted her at the wedding. Yes she wanted to go she kept saying how much she was looking forward to it all, the meal, first dance etc. Anytime we seen her that is why she would say and she understood that my dad, brother, sil and my nephew would be there.

On the face of it her past actions were bad. Very bad. Is itmoreshocking and hurtful because it's usually men who do thst kind of thing?

The reasons she gave for doing what she did was a tough pill to swallow.

Is it possible to just talk to her, tell her how you feel, and listen to how she feels?

We've spoke it was all about how she felt. I tried to tell her how I felt but the response I got was well if that's how you feel I won't bother you again. I explained that of course I was going to tell her how I felt and that response was well now it's your choice if you talk to me or not. I don't have time for that childish behavior. I understand how hard it would've been for her.

Yes you wanted your parents there. Kids do! You tried to talk to her and listen to her. She prob needs her own therapy and to have a good moan at her own age mates. Not take this out on you so close to your wedding.

@Newgirls

Unfortunately she doesn't have many friends. Only people she goes to see are us and my gran and aunt.

@EdgeOfTheSky

I don’t get families where people cut each other off, take sides like a tribal war etc.

I can understand your Dad being devastated by an affair, and not want contact, but for your brother to cut off his own Mum and not let her see grandchild?

And now you are all about the ‘shall I cut her off?’.

She should have handled it better. She could have said ‘it’s been lovely, so happy to see you married, but I think it’s time to leave, talk soon’.

I can imagine it WAS painful for her to see a grandchild across the room and have to stay apart. Get hostile looks all day.

Is it possible to just talk to her, tell her how you feel, and listen to how she feels?

Lucky you not having had learned how this could happen.

OP you're seriously lacking in empathy toward your poor mum and then have the audacity to come on here looking for justification to go NC. Can you not see how this was a difficult situation for her? I've been to a few weddings where the parents are separated and usually the bride and groom handle these situations with sensitivity ensuring that each parent has a plus one and their own little support network to help them get through a potentially difficult and emotive day. You made no such provision for your mum, expecting her to mingle with strangers and then acting like the injured party when she left early. This is on you - you should have made sure she was supported and at the very least had a friend to talk to. You owe her an apology and you need to tell your brother to grow up and stop using his son as a pawn to score points against his mother.

[quote RaginaPhalange]@Newgirls

Unfortunately she doesn't have many friends. Only people she goes to see are us and my gran and aunt.[/quote]
Sadly that is her issue, not yours. It’s tough as you care for her but she is a grown adult. You sound like a caring person but you should be able to enjoy this special time and not be worrying about your parent

@Plastic01
I've already said I understand where she was coming from. I've already said she didn't want a plus one. I've already said my gran and aunt were there. I've already said she knows my mil and was talking to her. I need to tell my brother nothing it's his life, no one can make anyone do something they very clearly don't want.

@Plastic01

OP you're seriously lacking in empathy toward your poor mum and then have the audacity to come on here looking for justification to go NC. Can you not see how this was a difficult situation for her? I've been to a few weddings where the parents are separated and usually the bride and groom handle these situations with sensitivity ensuring that each parent has a plus one and their own little support network to help them get through a potentially difficult and emotive day. You made no such provision for your mum, expecting her to mingle with strangers and then acting like the injured party when she left early. This is on you - you should have made sure she was supported and at the very least had a friend to talk to. You owe her an apology and you need to tell your brother to grow up and stop using his son as a pawn to score points against his mother.

Not true. The parents are adults. They should have worked this out themselves so their daughter could enjoy her special day.

Perhaps the parents could have got counselling together so they could both behave better. They had plenty of warning a wedding was coming. It is NOT the daughters/child’s responsibility to manage their parents!

The reasons she gave for doing what she did was a tough pill to swallow.

This thread is so frustrating. Either spit out what your mother did that has made your brother no contact and making you want to go no contact or don't. Stop alluding to her having done more than have an affair with younger foreign blokes to villify her but not giving everyone the full picture as to why you dislike your mother so much. Because the wedding issue is such a none issue in the scheme of things.

@ShaneTheThird

The reasons she gave for doing what she did was a tough pill to swallow.

This thread is so frustrating. Either spit out what your mother did that has made your brother no contact and making you want to go no contact or don't. Stop alluding to her having done more than have an affair with younger foreign blokes to villify her but not giving everyone the full picture as to why you dislike your mother so much. Because the wedding issue is such a none issue in the scheme of things.

No I'm not telling what happened because its none of your business. I've said it was a rough time for all the family and in result she did what she did. I have not once said I dislike my mum I just don't agree with what she did.

@Plastic01

OP you're seriously lacking in empathy toward your poor mum and then have the audacity to come on here looking for justification to go NC. Can you not see how this was a difficult situation for her? I've been to a few weddings where the parents are separated and usually the bride and groom handle these situations with sensitivity ensuring that each parent has a plus one and their own little support network to help them get through a potentially difficult and emotive day. You made no such provision for your mum, expecting her to mingle with strangers and then acting like the injured party when she left early. This is on you - you should have made sure she was supported and at the very least had a friend to talk to. You owe her an apology and you need to tell your brother to grow up and stop using his son as a pawn to score points against his mother.

How about the parents in this situation catch themselves on and allow for a couple of hours that everything is not centred on them? You really believe that a couple having their wedding day need to focus on the behaviour of 2 grown people? Wouldn't you expect the parents to focus on making sure their child had a good day?

No I'm not telling what happened because its none of your business. I've said it was a rough time for all the family and in result she did what she did. I have not once said I dislike my mum I just don't agree with what she did.

Then why bother coming here bleating about it? Either you give a full picture when asking for advice or don't bother. Because it just sounds like your family are drama queens. Either get over it or cut her off. Your choice.

No I'm not telling what happened because its none of your business. I've said it was a rough time for all the family and in result she did what she did. I have not once said I dislike my mum I just don't agree with what she did.

then the rest of us will continue to believe that you are making a huge drama out of what was obviously a tough event for your mum and your lack of empathy and compassion says enough about you not liking her that the actual words aren't needed.

HTH

There's no point OP telling us. You can see OPS mother is far from inoccent but OP is definitely telling it from her own narrative.

She clearly doesn't understand as she has been in a long term relationship.

@Brefugee

Hardly ‘the rest of us’. The voting tells a different story, that 86% believe the OP wasn’t unreasonable. It’s just that the thread is going a different way, as often happens, with a few strongly believing the opposite.

Hardly ‘the rest of us’. The voting tells a different story, that 86% believe the OP wasn’t unreasonable. It’s just that the thread is going a different way, as often happens, with a few strongly believing the opposite.

I think a lot of people skim read and have assumed it's another toxic parent story. Reading between the lines however, there is fault on both sides and it's not as black and white as the voting would suggest.

I think some readers are projecting their own stuff onto the OP. It’s up to her what she shares here. I’m sure the mum has her own side of things - but really shouldn’t be dumping it on her daughter.

@MichelleScarn well said.

@Brefugee

No I'm not telling what happened because its none of your business. I've said it was a rough time for all the family and in result she did what she did. I have not once said I dislike my mum I just don't agree with what she did.

then the rest of us will continue to believe that you are making a huge drama out of what was obviously a tough event for your mum and your lack of empathy and compassion says enough about you not liking her that the actual words aren't needed.

HTH

Again I've said I understand it would've been hard and I made sure she understood they were coming and continued to ask how she was feeling about it. I don't know how I could've done more. She helped organise parts of the wedding and for that I'm forever grateful. But it's just a bit of a kick in the teeth. Yes that's her son and grandson but I'm also her daughter and for one day I wanted it to be about me, dh and the kids, not the shit that's been going on for more than 5 years.