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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum walked out

139 replies

RaginaPhalange · 20/10/2021 23:05

Bit of background first. My mum and dad divorced about 5 years ago. She done something she shouldn't have in an already rocky part of their lives. My dad and brother have nothing to do with her anymore.

Fast forward to last Friday, I got married, dh is the father of my two children and we've been together since we were very young. All my family knew my mum was invited and vice versa. They were all happy to attend. About 1 hour after the ceremony my mum walked out, first thing she said to me was I'm leaving and walked away from me, I tried to ask why but she continued to walk. The day continued and it was great, everyone else enjoyed themselves. Two days later I get a text asking how are you? I replied fine and ended it at that because I was still angry and upset. A while later another text I guess you're not talking to me? We argued a lot. She said she left because she couldn't stand not being able to talk to my brother and his son. Then it was because his partner kept looking over at her and not saying anything. She made it all about herself. Not one apology from her. Everytime I told her how I felt it was like oh but poor me.

AIBU for still being pissed off? I'm not sure I want to continue a relationship with her.

Anyone with any advice? I've told her I get it must be hard not to be able to talk to your child but it was our day and I just feel like she tried to make it about herself. It was humiliating having everyone come up to me and ask where she was.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 21/10/2021 10:25

@RaginaPhalange I think a lot of people here think mothers can do no wrong. If you haven't been a victim of someone this manipulative you just don't get it, IMO.

Plastic01 · 21/10/2021 10:28

There was plenty people she hadn't met before and could've introduced herself.

Oh come on.... so everyone is in their own little cliques, shooting your mum dirty looks and you're expecting her to introduce herself to strangers? You didn't answer if you gave her a plus one OP? Your side sounds bitter and toxic - your brother in particular using his own son to score points against his mother.

JurgensCakeBaby · 21/10/2021 10:33

She could've spoken to other people, her son won't speak to her so she walked out of her daughter's wedding?? So it's more important that she's upset than to upset her daughter on her wedding day.
The sex tourism is another thing and I think answers would be different if it was your dad who'd travelled abroad for sex with young women and given them money for doing so.
I also see why your brother might not forgive her it's not that she broke her vows to your dad it's that she must have lied to you all many times over, he might also morally not agree with her actions of buying sex.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 21/10/2021 10:34

A pathetic and selfish woman

Your brother is right to distance himself

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 10:44

@Plastic01

No eveyone doesn't have their own cliques. It was my dh family who come from all over Scotland. Also where did I say everyone was shooting her dirty looks? I gave her a plus one but she said she would be attending herself as my gran and aunt were already coming. Also its my brothers decision not to talk to her no one can make him believe me my gran has tried with him.

OP posts:

5zeds · 21/10/2021 10:44

Her marriage broke down. Her children were grown. She behaved unwisely (promiscuity is demonised in women, let alone older women or mothers) and divorced. Her children either refuse to speak to her or do so having “forgiven” her. And yet, she comes to the wedding stays for the service and for as much of the reception as she can cope with.

I don’t think anything else is going on.

3scape · 21/10/2021 10:47

Her attitude is very telling. "Not I'm sorry, I tried for your day but I was overwhelmed by not being able to talk to son" it's you're angry, I this etc.

I'd go grey rock minimum. Probably NC she's not worth it surely

JumperandJacket · 21/10/2021 10:53

Sounds like a hard situation for her but also she didn’t handle it brilliantly. That said, maybe she would have had a meltdown if she hadn’t left, in which case she did the right thing.

The idea of cutting contact over this seems crazy to me, unless there’s a lot more background. It’s a shame, that’s all. Fwiw I have friends who’ve had to have two wedding celebrations to avoid their parents being in the same room- people have strong feelings about break ups and it’s not always possible to put them aside, however much they want to.

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 10:54

@3scape

Her attitude is very telling. "Not I'm sorry, I tried for your day but I was overwhelmed by not being able to talk to son" it's you're angry, I this etc. I'd go grey rock minimum. Probably NC she's not worth it surely

Exactly this.

If she text the day after or phoned and said this I would've been a bit more relaxed at the fact she missed most of one of the biggest days of her daughters life. But it's all me me me with her and always has.

OP posts:

CecilyP · 21/10/2021 10:56

Thank you! I'm glad I'm not going insane and thinking she could've spoke to others. There was plenty people she hadn't met before and could've introduced herself.

She could have but perhaps she was generally feeling awkward. Were there people she already knew that were accepting of her and quite happy to chat? If they were strangers, she wouldn't know what they knew or what their feeling about her were. Sounds like she was feeling very self-conscious and that people were judging her so, even if your brother and his partner were actually completely ignoring her, she may have construed that they were giving her dirty looks.

If you and your husband were the only 2 other adults that she knew, depending on the numbers there, you would not have been able to give her much attention as you circulated around your other guests, thus adding to her awkwardness.

Sounds like she left discretely though she could have said more to you at the time. She could also have contacted you to apologise sooner - she really doesn't sound great at communicating. The contact you have had makes her sound very defensive but could be the guilt talking.

3luckystars · 21/10/2021 10:59

Focus on the good parts of the wedding day and don’t dwell on what she did at all or you will remember it differently. She probably did you a favour by leaving as it sounds like she causes trouble wherever she goes.
Focus on your own family and if it was me I would seriously limit any time with her but that is your decision. She is not going to change! Good luck.

Cantstopthewaves · 21/10/2021 11:09

She sounds very fragile and her attending the wedding was always going to be a bit of disaster imo.
It was also, sadly, an exercise of manipulation on her part.
Making it all about her. She was likely hoping you'd be calling her back and upset with your Brother for not speaking to her etc.
In her head she's the victim and she wants you on 'her side'. All 'woe is me'.
Your wedding was a vehicle for getting this across.
I'd be keeping my distance.

Porcupineintherough · 21/10/2021 11:23

@5zeds is it promiscuity that this woman is being demonised for, or cheating and sexual exploitation?

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 11:35

:Were there people she already knew that were accepting of her and quite happy to chat?:

Yes she was talking to my mil just before she decided to walk out. Mil was looking after the kids while we were taking photos with other family members. I had walked in to have a chat with everyone as dh was getting photos with his brothers.

OP posts:

5zeds · 21/10/2021 12:30

@Porcupineintherough hard to tell but many many people have affairs as their marriage does and lonely people are often taken advantage of by this sort of foreign romance. I honestly doubt a man doing the same would be vilified in quite the same way. What has she actually done to OP? Was she supposed to stay married to a man she obviously wanted to divorce so her adult children could approve of her. This is a human being with as much right as zany of us to pursue happiness.

Judith0000 · 21/10/2021 12:38

Agree with 5zeds.

How long is your mother going to be an outcast to her own son and his family for? It's been 5 years!
Does your mother have a partner? Or is she completely alone now?

Newgirls · 21/10/2021 12:38

I suggest your read the website ‘daughters of narcissistic mothers’. She has managed to make your wedding about her. If she was a kind loving parent she wouldn’t be making your feel like this at such a wonderful part of your life. Your family members see her for who she is. You might in time find sympathy for her but she is not in good place right now and it is NOT your job to make her feel better

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 12:41

@5zeds

It's not the fact my parents are divorced. It's the way she went about things. In my eyes could've been done a whole lot different.

OP posts:

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 12:46

@Judith0000

Agree with 5zeds.

How long is your mother going to be an outcast to her own son and his family for? It's been 5 years!
Does your mother have a partner? Or is she completely alone now?

That's my brothers decision. I don't want to go into too much more detail of what happened as it will be very outing. Yes she lives alone.

OP posts:

5zeds · 21/10/2021 14:06

In my eyes could've been done a whole lot different. well yes but you are in a loving long term committed relationship so how you would behave is totally coloured by that. I know you think you know what your mothers marriage was like but it’s highly unlikely to be as simple as she’s the bad slut and your dad is the good guy. They’re human. They raised a family together and then split. It’s not a crime. You don’t really have anything to forgive her for, and to be honest I don’t really understand what you mean by that given you very obviously aren’t at peace with how her marriage ended.

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 14:35

@5zeds

I just know I wouldn't go on to have affairs regardless if my marriage goes down the pan later in life. Not once have I said I know what went on in their marriage but I sure as hell know what was going on at the time of the affairs. It was a very sad and stressful time for the whole family. I've already said I don't care that my parents got divorced, I understand marriage and life is hard. I know they both had a major part to play regardless of what she done. So stop pretending you know the whole picture when you very clearly don't.

OP posts:

5zeds · 21/10/2021 14:41

I’m not pretending anything. You do sound desperately unhappy about it and you have been with the same partner since you were sixteen so are likely to have little personal experience of relationships going seriously wrong or really know how you would behave or if that would be better or preferable. Have you considered talking to someone who isn’t involved like a therapist? You might find it really helpful to see it from another point of view.

EKGEMS · 21/10/2021 14:57

I'm sorry you had this happen at your wedding. Some people go through life feeling entitled with a chip on their shoulder,daring anyone to knock it off. She doesn't sound the type to attend a big event and not make it all about her and how supposedly she was "mistreated." I have a couple family members exactly like your Mother. Congrats on your marriage

Original poster

RaginaPhalange · 21/10/2021 14:59

@5zeds

Who would be happy about it? And I don't need to speak to a therapist about it. I've heard her side of what happened and I get why that time of our lives the marriage fell apart.

OP posts:

puddlebubble · 21/10/2021 15:37

Why on earth did she need your forgiveness, so self-righteous, I think she made the correct decision to leave if after 5 years she is still listening to this shit.

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