AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

A lot of posters seem to be missing the point that OP said she WAS working doing freelance work apart from 6 months mat leave until starting back at a ft job more recently.
Oh, that’s a good point. I was freelance til I had a baby and it was wonderful – no time pressure to log on in the mornings, go at your own pace, slack off and go for walks or a swim or a snow day, a much more pleasant vibe all-round than having a boss and core hours and structure. Only don’t do it because I can earn more as staff. Some of the OP’s overwhelm might come from the shift in expectations from working for herself vs working for a boss, as well as from the usual demands of juggling work and home.

I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

Did his apology include a believable assurance that he would never, EVER do anything like that again? Because if it didn't then you have no reason to forgive him. You'd probably enjoy your job a lot more if you didn't have the pressure of trying to keep this volatile man happy.

You are already working, and he should be looking after you while you work. Not screaming at you on the doorstep over a £12 lamp.

@Cieloazzurro

Most people don’t have the option of stopping work and letting someone else pay the bills. We just get on with it because needs must. Not sure why there’s so much focus on one outburst from husband. He shouldn’t have reacted like that but he did apologise and I must admit, if my husband wanted to stop working and I arrived home from a tiring day to find he’d been out shopping, I might have lost it too

Well, she was on maternity leave at the time, so not the case.

We can’t tell if the OP has husband problem from a single outburst that he later apologised for.
We can, actually.

My DP and I have had money and job stresses. My DP also has an anxiety condition and can be snappy when he's under stress. But the worst things he's said to me do not even approach snapping in front of other people, taking issue with something like a £12 lamp, swearing at me or accusing me of 'spunking away' money.
I'll say it again: it is a low bar when people think this behaviour is at all acceptable, apology or not.

You need to work, sadly, even if you like the job or not. You don’t want to be in a situation where you don’t have your own money, I don’t understand why anyone would. And presumably you both share the care for your children, so it’s not just up to you.

YANBU- I don't want to work either.

I do, of course. But I don't want to.

@Anonymouseperson I think you’ve been given a hard time here. Tbh it’s a lovely dream - not working, time to care for the kids, do hobbies, meet friends, money to pay for all the little luxuries. Sadly, your DH’s attitude means that it is just a dream. Even if he earned millions of pounds, his nastiness about money when you were on maternity leave tells you all you need to know. I’m sorry, don’t feel bad about having this dream, but please wake up and realise you need financial independence from this man. He will not improve with age.

Is your husband supportive of you? does he help with house and children now that you are working full time? or are you still expected to everything related to the children, cooking, cleaning, etc?

I don't think spending full time with young children and doing all the house stuff, is necessarily enjoying yourself. If anything is probably worse than working full time and leaving the mess to someone else.

My DP is well off and I don’t necessarily have to work because we could manage on one salary however I would never consider that. Your own independence is the single greatest thing you can do for yourself. What would you do if your husband suddenly turned and didn’t give you any money and you don’t have savings because you’re a SAHM? Keep working OP. It’s worth it.

Don’t apologise you’re not being a dd!!

I feel the same OP. Who’s going to think ‘I wish I had worked more’ on their deathbed?!

@Hairbrush123

My DP is well off and I don’t necessarily have to work because we could manage on one salary however I would never consider that. Your own independence is the single greatest thing you can do for yourself. What would you do if your husband suddenly turned and didn’t give you any money and you don’t have savings because you’re a SAHM? Keep working OP. It’s worth it.

Well, considering he's your DP and not your DH, you're right not to even consider it.

My partner could afford for me not to work, but I work full time anyway - I'm the type of person who needs to pay my 50% of the mortgage and bills for my own peace of mind.

My parents fought a lot when I was younger, and my dad would always pull out the "I paid for this house" card to score points. It always stuck with me. My partner would never in a million years even THINK to use that one on me, but my traumatised ass just won't risk it. I don't even want to be in a position where a man can remind me that he's the only thing between me and homelessness.

Plus I like knowing that my home is being paid for by me. And that I can come home with some nice things from the shops that are really, really mine. Oh, and I do actually like my job too!

That's just my personal neurosis though!

@Enterthedragons

Don’t apologise you’re not being a d**d!!

I feel the same OP. Who’s going to think ‘I wish I had worked more’ on their deathbed?!

I'm a charity worker, so I really do thing one of my last thoughts will be "dang, I might have been able to do more"

Not all jobs are pointless office money-shuffling, you know.

I mean, it's fine to want a rich, generous husband so that you don't need to work or worry about spending - lots of women want this and actively seek this when looking for a partner, alongside other attributes like sense of humour or height. I don't really see the difference, rich is an attribute just like "good looking" is. Neither guarantee happiness and you have to sort a pretty good pre-nup to ensure you're looked after in the event of a divorce and no work experience or career to return to!

However I would say it's a bit late to be thinking about that now, you're meant to cover this when you're dating

But I wouldn't feel any shame for feeling that way!

His being rude to you about your spending is not on though - but seems like a separate issue to him not being rich enough so that you don't need to work.

He shouldn't speak to you like that obvs. He sounds a delight.

But your thinking is really odd. Why would you be not working and being fully supported financially?

What would you do if you got married, had kids and your husband said right I don't really want to work so I'm going to stay at home, keep house and raise the kids and you need to go to work and bring all the money in - How would you feel in that position? How resentful would you get?

You both have equal dibs on that roll. Women don't get it just because they're women 🤷‍♀️

Men are not the providers / money givers / saviours for women anymore.

Trying to say this gently, OP. Most people work because they have to. The lucky minority work for fun.

It gets easier with time.

35 hours a week while running a home is hard, but do-able. Lower your standards generally. Just keep your head above the water.

Work has so many benefits for yourself and your family. More money. Self-respect. A different side of your identity than just being a mum. You’ll be a good role model to your kids as they get older. Important for both boys and girls to see their mum working and earning.

If you were career-driven before, it will come back to you. You’ll get that enthusiasm back, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now.

You can do it, OP!

PP put it best - how would you feel if tables turned and your DP/DH said the same and wanted you to be main breadwinner and shoulder all responsibility. A small number may be very happy about such an arrangement but I'm pretty sure the overwhelming majority won't.

Nobody, male or female, wants to work a lot, be bossed about lots and be stressed. That's why it's renumerated. Housework and caring for your own children isn't paid for unfortunately.

That is separate point to OP's relationship which doesn't sound very mutually respectful.

O don't want to work either, OP, but fortunately for me I'm less than a year from retirement. I can only suggest you get some extra help with domestic stuff or your children to lessen the strain a bit. While I'm very happy with my DH who is lovely, if modestly paid I do sometimes wonder that if I had daughters I'd advise them to marry a rich man. Virtually all my old friends from school did this by the tried and trusted routes of either staying in the country and marrying a farmer or becoming a nurse and marrying a consultant.

Most rich men who are good guys that respect women as equals would still want their wives to pursue a career - sure, you might not "have" to work and they might be generous and not mind about shopping sprees, but all the rich men I know, especially in the UK, have an expectation that their wives have a fulfilling career - it's not normal to not work at all even at upper levels of wealth. At fancy dinner parties etc you're always asked what you do as a woman, and if you're currently a SAHP you might mention prev career/freelance/studies etc. I think it would be frowned upon to have literally nothing going on in a professional sense.

It might be that you don't have a "job" as such with set hours (which seems to be what you're stressed about) but you would be spending the equivalent time on a business or managing investments.

@allsorts1

Most rich men who are good guys that respect women as equals would still want their wives to pursue a career - sure, you might not "have" to work and they might be generous and not mind about shopping sprees, but all the rich men I know, especially in the UK, have an expectation that their wives have a fulfilling career - it's not normal to not work at all even at upper levels of wealth. At fancy dinner parties etc you're always asked what you do as a woman, and if you're currently a SAHP you might mention prev career/freelance/studies etc. I think it would be frowned upon to have literally nothing going on in a professional sense.

It might be that you don't have a "job" as such with set hours (which seems to be what you're stressed about) but you would be spending the equivalent time on a business or managing investments.

Oh, I agree with this post 100%

We joke that my OH earns $$$$$ and I earn $$ but he fell in love with me because of my worthy career (NHS)

All of you saying 'no one wants to work' is not at all correct. Many people would go mad at home, love their job, are driven to do whatever it is. True, many people don't like the job they have, but to say no one wants to work is bizarre.
I did have what you want OP. I married at 40 and had two kids. My husband earned about 20 times more than I did, and after my second it would have been more than I earned to put them both in daycare. So we decided that I would be a sahm. He never questioned what I spent, all major purchases were discussed and agreed on. We had a joint account and he paid my credit card. It took getting used to for sure; I had been self supporting until then, and I did feel a bit of a twinge when buying something that I wanted but didn't need. My father was the same - not nearly as high an earner, but well enough that my mother, a professional woman until she had three children, could stay at home, and he basically handed her his pay check and she managed the finances.
You are being honest in your desire, and I'm sure many would wish for the same. But whether you work outside the home or not, rearing children is a job - you either do it your self or outsource it, and choosing to do it yourself should not be dismissed as wanting an easy life.
You should sit down with your husband for a frank discussion about finances, house work and child care, and how to share the burden of each moving forward.

I don't know, OP. Lots of responses here from the hard of reading, so I'd ignore them.

Dreaming about some way that one of the problems in your life could be removed isn't unreasonable. We all wish life could be less complicated, clearer, easier. You sound overwhelmed, and with the age of your children, it's not surprising. Your husband needs to do more to take the home burden and then you can possibly get back to feeling like more of your own person and less stressed.

I feel you Op, seems sad to put kids in childcare when you could be with them until school age. But my house is mess too and I only work a few hours a week spend too much time on MN

Does your dh help with the kids and around the house , well not help do his share
I find us both working full time even with older kids only works as we do a fair share if the other stuff as well
That said we both only work because we have to , I would not be one if those who if I won the lottery I would still work thats foe sure

Is there enough money to pay for a cleaner a couple of hours a week?

It was my saviour when I went back to work with young children. To come home on a Friday to find the house clean and tidy for the weekend (not that it lasted that long!) made all the difference.