AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

YABU in my opinion. I'm a single working parent and I'm extremely proud that I don't rely on a man for money, the house I own is mine and no one can take it away from me. I was a SAHM when I was married, my ex earns well but I was miserable and always felt the money was not "mine."

There is a lot of societal pressure on women to have perfect homes; spend lots of time with their children and have successful careers. But it's batting against long-established generational expectations of women being at home full-time and being SAHMs.
I don't think the shift from career to motherhood and back is well signposted. It can be easy to fall through the cracks and hark for something easier and something that a lot of romance films and novels are based on ie wealthy husband and wife at home.
Society has given you lots of mixed messages which makes you susceptible to feeling guilty when your DH kicked off about a lamp. You need to find a career and set financial goals for yourself - not to get DH off your back - but so you can feel secure.

@ssd

And most posters here are spectacularly missing the point. Its nothing to do with the op being grabby or not earning or whatever. Its everything to do with her feeling like she doesn't have a voice. Even her username tries to make her invisible.

If she doesn’t have a voice then staying home and not earning isn’t going to help things is it? There seems to be a major mismatch of expectations here.

OP I get it. I worked PT when my kids were little, supported by my DH. If I'd have been forced to work I'd have felt bitter. BUT my DH was not a bully.

Be very very careful about giving up your lifeline. He doesn't sound the sort of man that will happily split assets if you did ever split up. Keep your independence and make him pull his weight to support your work.

For hundreds of thousands of years this is the way society mostly operated. And it seems to have suited many people.
Then in the last 30 years or so society has changed very quickly and it went from mothers fighting for the right to work, as my mother did 60 years ago, to mothers being expected to work as I am today.

That is simply not true!

A SAHM is a very new phenomenon in human history, and one that only really existed for the middle and upper classes

Pre-industrial revolution, men and women would be out working in fields, with children in tow
Post industrial revolution, men and women would be out working and children would usually be with at work with their mums when young, or with extended family or also working as they got older.

The modern housewife/ SAHM role emerged in the 20th century. Before that, it was really not common AT ALL

These might be interesting for you...

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/apr/13/working-women-stay-at-home-wives-myths

schoolshistory.org.uk/topics/british-history/industrial-revolution/women-and-children/

www.historyworkshop.org.uk/labour-and-love/

I think if you have a supportive partner who picked up his share of the workload your house would be tidier and you wouldn’t be stressed about money.

In my experience, loads of us lost interest in their career with small kids. But as the kids got older it came back and we all thrived back at the office.

Full disclosure, I had what you crave and it was brilliant. In 20 years I’ve never been questioned about how I spend money. Ever. I went back to work when my oldest was a year old and hated it but luckily it was short lived as I was already pregnant.

I was off work completely until they were all at school.

Calling a woman a cocklodger when taking care of small children, and a household and all that involves is pretty vile, IMO. Was I a cocklodger, then? But am I not, now? He’ll retire in a couple of years and I will still work. What will that make him?

I think your career mojo will come back, and in the meantime, yep, it’s hard. Really hard. Especially with an unsupportive partner.

YANBU
Little ones take a lot of time and looking after at that age.
I hope your tosser of a husband does his fair share of the chores and looking after the children.

I wouldn't ever want to rely on someone else, TBH.
But it sounds like the issue is with your husband anyway.

He helps a bit isnt everything is share 50/50 because we both work is it?

What you want is either him to step up and recognise that your role in doing all of this means that you are an equal partner or for him to actually be an equal partner.

I think you need a long conversation about the fact that the current situation is in the long term not feasible. He either steps up more or you take a more Part time role (and the financially balance changes) in order to facilitate this

I wish I could work three days a week, I can't because then we couldn't pay the bills as I am the main earner.

Life is less stressful with more money as you are finding, I get very stressed like your husband if we don't have enough money.

YABU why should you rely on a husband to keep you and but you nice things. Earn your own money.
All these women saying it’s DHs fault! Nonsense.

I was a widowed single mother from when my two DDs were babies. I held down a job as a hospital doctor, did all my own chores/DIY/gardening and taught Sunday school. It is perfectly possible, but it requires you to be extremely well organised.
You have a DH still alive, to split the chores at home - it should be a doddle.
Giving up adulthood to be a financially dependent child, stuck at home reliant on your DH’s whims for your lifestyle, is a very risky and stultifying option.

Be honest, do you spend a lot on lots of things? Is your spending under control? Are you all over the family finances? Fo you know what goes in and out? How tight is money?

I’ve been in the position of worrying about money, sleepless nights, with a partner who keeps buying “little things”. There was a time I’d have snapped over a £12 lamp tbh

It’s not anti feminist to not want to work. It’s anti feminist to say women have to work or else they are wrong. It’s anti feminist to act like being a sahm isn’t a valuable contribution to life or society. Without the labour in the home and child rearing society would not function well.

I don’t understand why feminism glamourizes labour. Well feminism glamourizes all labour except that of child rearing and home making. Which is extremely interesting I think. “Having your own money” is great. But also let’s understand that when women work, women still do the bulk of household duties and child rearing. So women do double and triple the amount of labour that men do. This is one of my gripes about feminism.. stop glamourizing labour as if it’s amazing to work and that all women must work!

Most people wouldn’t work if they didn’t have to. And I think a lot of women from our grandparents generation were much happier and satisfied not working. If you have a good husband who is happy to provide for you then you’re not wrong to want to stay at home. And there is actually nothing wrong with being financially dependent on your husband if he’s actually a good husband.

Problems arise with husbands are financially abusive and want to run off. It’s always a good idea to make provisions in this case, and no one is psychic. But we don’t have to act like it’s wrong to want to not have to work out of the home.

There is no right way to be a woman. Stay at home or work. Your husband sounds selfish thou. I couldn’t be with someone who is yelling whenever I spend money.

A lot of posters seem to be missing the point that OP said she WAS working doing freelance work apart from 6 months mat leave until starting back at a ft job more recently.

Feel exactly the same, op, although I’m not allowed to say it!

Not unreasonable for not wanting to work, if I won the lottery tomorrow I wouldn't work (not my current work, anyway).

But, since a lottery win hasn't so far come along, I have to work. It would be lovely to not worry about work and money and not having enough etc but that's life for most people. Not having to work for money is a nice daydream but ultimately if you want that be a reality you need to do something to make it that way for yourself, eg build a successful business.

@Babdoc

I was a widowed single mother from when my two DDs were babies. I held down a job as a hospital doctor, did all my own chores/DIY/gardening and taught Sunday school. It is perfectly possible, but it requires you to be extremely well organised. You have a DH still alive, to split the chores at home - it should be a doddle. Giving up adulthood to be a financially dependent child, stuck at home reliant on your DH’s whims for your lifestyle, is a very risky and stultifying option.

Well, you're Superwoman, congratulations. 'A doddle'? Ever heard of walking a mile in someone else's shoes before you hand out judgement?

How exactly is raising children and running a home 'giving up adulthood'? And do you not think the DH is also 'reliant on' having a wife to look after his children and his house for him?

I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that)

Honestly, that's the most concerning thing in your post and sounds quite abusive.

I think the problem is less about the actual money and more about your husband's attitude to it and also to you. This does not paint him in the best light.

My husband earns 4x than what I do. I work full time and have a decent wage, and besides that I'm in full time uni. We could definitely afford me not working and it would definitely make my life so much easier. I don't love my job (my husband does, he's one of the lucky ones), but I do like contributing to the society, contributing to this family. Yeah, I don't dismiss the option of me being a sahm or go part time for a few years when we manage to have a child, it's nice to have this option, but I've always worked. Almost none of us WANT to work, but this is the society we live in.

You don't sound like a dickhead, OP. You are completely reasonable to feel the way you do. Your husband does sound awful though and talking the way he does to you about money is really not on. You should be a team and he should trust that you won't spunk the money away.

Ah mumsnet, it's a strange place sometimes.

Man who is stressed about money and is single handedly supporting his wife and children (at the time, I see the OP was working before and is now too) has a one outburst about her spending, which he later apologises for = awful human being / LTB.

Woman who apparently resents that her husband won't let her stop working, would prefer not to contribute financially to her family's upkeep, and actively wishes she'd married someone else = completely reasonable.

I wonder what the responses would be if the OP had been something like "my dh has just announced he's leaving me because I had a go at him for buying stuff when money was tight and he was temporarily out of work".

I would also love what you suggest but the reality is that I work too.

Maybe your husband needs to do more at home and with the kids to help you get a better balance so that you can enjoy your work more.

Nothing worse than coming home from work to then have everything else to do as well......

Sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending

Having said the above (and I stand by the point that your husband does sound quite abusive), I think this is an unrealistic and actually quite unfair expectation which puts a lot of pressure on your partner to carry all of the financial burden.

You just want someone to work hard to supply you with endless money to spend as you wish and not question it?

That's not really reasonable.

Thanks for that @SW1amp however I think my point still stands. For most of history, most mothers were mostly preoccupied with child rearing and working at home - and that work was very hard. From the industrial revolution onwards mothers were more likely to go out to work and yet it is for good reason that creches and professional childcare has been formalised fairly recently- because until recently we had extended families, we had children being brought to work by mothers and, mostly, we had a heavy expectation that the men would bring home the bacon.

@Burgerqueenbee

A lot of posters seem to be missing the point that OP said she WAS working doing freelance work apart from 6 months mat leave until starting back at a ft job more recently.

We can’t tell if the OP has husband problem from a single outburst that he later apologised for. However her problem is not cost of childcare. She said house is a mess and doesn’t get to ‘spend time’ with kids. Nobody else cares about mess, and it’s her personal wish to want to spend time with kids.

OP doesn’t want to do any of this juggling but wants to spend time cleaning and raising her kids. That is U.

From a ‘feminist’ POV nothing wrong with that - but is it what her husband wants?
Throughout history parents have never really spent time entertaining kids. Even in the ‘golden’ era of the 1950’s housewife kids went out to play and then came home. However as pp have said housework needed a lot of manual Labour so yes they’re was lots of work.

If I was the main earner I would not choose to facilitate my partner staying home solely to ‘spend’ time with the kids because that’s them enjoying themselves. Not doing something necessary.

Hence need to align expectations.