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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I support my friend when she is lying?

114 replies

ihatetheschoolrun · 20/10/2021 20:19

Won't go into to much as possibly outing but feel like me and OH keep getting dragged into things.

OH is good friends with her ex and we have been good friends for 15 years. They are going through a messy breakup they aren't married and she is refusing to leave his house and has randomly took out an injunction on him. He has offered her a large amount of money but still won't move.

He has sold his house but can not complete on it with her living there. We have said we don't want to know anything as it has caused so many arguments between us. However ex has turned up at ours tonight in tears and can't take anymore he is paying bills on his rented property and his mortgage and all bills for her to live there and is struggling.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I've had to come upstairs because I feel bad but she seems happy with her self on our girls group chat?

OP posts:
Lougle · 20/10/2021 20:21

Why can't he wait for her to go out then change the locks? Ultimately, I guess, he'll have to evict her.

Muttly · 20/10/2021 20:23

How do you know who is telling the truth. Everyone is the hero in their own story. You may be getting mis truths and half truths from both sides.

That said it is a very difficult situation for you as your other half to deal with.

RandomMess · 20/10/2021 20:26

He needs to take steps to evict her I guess.

Porfre · 20/10/2021 20:29

I'm really confused. Your OH who is female is living in her Ex- partners house and refusing to leave?
But they are really good friends?

She has taken an injunction against her Ex.
He has sold the house you and your OH are living in and it isnt your problem and you dont want to get involved in this?

Russell19 · 20/10/2021 20:30

What is she lying about?

DawnFawn · 20/10/2021 20:36

@Porfre

I read it as the they used to be “couples” friend. Ie her other half is friends with her friends ex partner.

Thehop · 20/10/2021 20:37

Cx any he evict her? Change the locks whilst shes out?

LetHimHaveIt · 20/10/2021 20:40

I take it when you say 'OH is friends with her ex', the 'her' in question is your female friend, and the ex your OH's male friend? Very confusing. And what is she lying about? The reason for her taking out an injunction? Is she alleging violence?

pelosi · 20/10/2021 20:43

Is it his house? He needs to change the locks on her.

Original poster
ihatetheschoolrun · 20/10/2021 20:46

@DawnFawn yes you're right.

Apologies is confusing lol.

She is saying he has been physically abusive and is a rubbish father etc. She has never mentioned abuse to me or any of the girls we know he has cheated and he moved out after that and let her stay in the house.

Also he has his kids 4/7 days a week and she has never said that he is a danger to the kids.

She has organised a "girls night" Saturday at the house but I feel so bloody awkward now and it just doesn't sit well with me.

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 20/10/2021 20:47

So you and your partner were friends with a couple. They split. You're still friends with her, your partner is still friends with him. But he's having a terrible time trying to get his life and house back. Right?

Sounds to me like you should talk to your friend and see what's going on. Is she trying to ruin him? If so, why? I wouldn't get too involved but I would want to be clear on whether or not my friend is lying and behaving badly

nancybotwinbloom · 20/10/2021 20:54

Playing devils advocate well you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

Stay out of it.

Muttly · 20/10/2021 20:55

She has never mentioned abuse to me or any of the girls

Most domestic abuse victims don’t emotion physical abuse

we know he has cheated and he moved out after that and let her stay in the house

That does not make him sound like a prize among men. Honestly OP you have no idea what went on behind closed doors.

LetHimHaveIt · 20/10/2021 20:56

Well, I've limited sympathy for an adulterer who turns up at the house of mutual friends snivelling that he can't afford the bills. Still, she can't pull this indefinitely and you need to tell her so.

nancybotwinbloom · 20/10/2021 20:57

Also sometimes when someone leaves someone that's the only time they feel they can disclose things.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 20/10/2021 20:57

Hmmm. No one believed my ex was abusive either…

nancybotwinbloom · 20/10/2021 21:00

Before I made the decision to leave my ex h I didn't disclose anything he'd put me through because I didn't want anyone to worry. I was adamant I could sort it out myself.

If she's in that mindset it will feel like a failure on her behalf even though it isn't.

FatCatThinCat · 20/10/2021 21:04

They have children together so not as simple as chucking her out and changing the locks.

SwanShaped · 20/10/2021 21:04

You can’t randomly get an injunction on someone. There will be a reason why she’s got one.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/10/2021 21:07

Does a partner not have some rights to stay in what is essentially the family home as there are children involved. I thought cohabiting couples had some rights. Is he putting her plus his children out with nowhere to go.

BakedTattie · 20/10/2021 21:08

Why are you getting involved? I’d stay well out of it

TheVanguardSix · 20/10/2021 21:18

That's the children's family home. And their mother has rights.

"However ex has turned up at ours tonight in tears and can't take anymore he is paying bills on his rented property and his mortgage and all bills for her to live there and is struggling."
Cry me a river. You lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Maybe he should have thought about the consequences of adultery. It's a messy business. You don't just waltz off into the sunset. It's good he's learning this. Good for your friend! She's happy with herself on the chat! She deserves some peace. And she's in the family home, the one the children have grown up in presumably.

OP, I think you're drinking the Bloke Chat Koolaid. Slow your roll and put your cup down. You've been so easily swayed by his side of the story. If her word isn't bond, in your opinion, why is HIS word suddenly the truth?

TheChip · 20/10/2021 21:23

He must have done something for her to be able to get an injunction. You cant just get one because you don't want to see an ex.

As for her not sharing abuse beforehand. I didnt even realise I was being emotionally abused until people helped open my eyes and thats when I ended things. So for a lot of people, it was only afterwards that I'd mentioned anything about abuse.

BudgeSquare · 20/10/2021 21:30

He's abused her, cheated on her, and now wants to evict her and his children from the family home, and you are taking his side? Confused

candlelightsatdawn · 20/10/2021 21:47

Not going to lie op but I'm not sure whether your truly being objective here.

People who have suffered abuse don't often talk about it for fear of being called a liar.

Having worked with victims of DV the bar is super high to get a injunction against someone. If that doesn't ring alarm bells for you in his story. I don't know what else will tbh ...