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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I support my friend when she is lying?

114 replies

ihatetheschoolrun · 20/10/2021 20:19

Won't go into to much as possibly outing but feel like me and OH keep getting dragged into things.

OH is good friends with her ex and we have been good friends for 15 years. They are going through a messy breakup they aren't married and she is refusing to leave his house and has randomly took out an injunction on him. He has offered her a large amount of money but still won't move.

He has sold his house but can not complete on it with her living there. We have said we don't want to know anything as it has caused so many arguments between us. However ex has turned up at ours tonight in tears and can't take anymore he is paying bills on his rented property and his mortgage and all bills for her to live there and is struggling.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I've had to come upstairs because I feel bad but she seems happy with her self on our girls group chat?

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 21/10/2021 06:32

I don't know, the house belongs to him otherwise he would not have been able to sell it. She can't be a proper tenant because he wouldn't have been able to sell it unless he declare tenant in situ would he? Not completely au fait with this.

I sympathise with her but l would feel uncomfortable as her friend as well. How is this helping anyone? She needs to move on with her life. Silly games usually backfire.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 21/10/2021 06:37

How does her moving out help the children? Why should she believe he would hand over any money?

Thatsplentyjack · 21/10/2021 06:40

Poor woman, she has been physically abused, cheated on and won't have any assets when she finally does have to leave the house because he's never put her name on the mortgage or married her, but had children with her. No wonder she's refusing to leave.

Dinosauria · 21/10/2021 06:48

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

I don't know, the house belongs to him otherwise he would not have been able to sell it. She can't be a proper tenant because he wouldn't have been able to sell it unless he declare tenant in situ would he? Not completely au fait with this.

I sympathise with her but l would feel uncomfortable as her friend as well. How is this helping anyone? She needs to move on with her life. Silly games usually backfire.

Silly games?

So because she isn't married (why is this) she has given up 15 years of her life, and raised children, undoubtedly hurting her career prospects and now he wants to make her homeless. 30k isn't enough, nor I expect is what she deserves. If she had a piece of paper MN would be telling her to stay in the house.

Op you aren't trying to stay out of it, you've decided sided based on the tearful account of one if them. Sounds like you are being manipulated.

knittingaddict · 21/10/2021 06:58

[quote ihatetheschoolrun]@DawnFawn yes you're right.

Apologies is confusing lol.

She is saying he has been physically abusive and is a rubbish father etc. She has never mentioned abuse to me or any of the girls we know he has cheated and he moved out after that and let her stay in the house.

Also he has his kids 4/7 days a week and she has never said that he is a danger to the kids.

She has organised a "girls night" Saturday at the house but I feel so bloody awkward now and it just doesn't sit well with me.
[/quote]
You can't possibly know that she is lying about abuse. My daughter didn't mention abuse until just before she left.

This man going to friends in tears in something I recognise and would be wary of. It's what my ex son in law did. Went to neighbours houses in floods of tears about how much an innocent victim he was. He phoned her friends too. Probably went to everyine he knew. Cried all over the shop. He was 100% an abuser.

knittingaddict · 21/10/2021 07:01

@StoneofDestiny

Can he not get the services switched off - gas, electric, water etc.
Wonderful. Tell an abusive man how to be even more abusive.
RedMarauder · 21/10/2021 07:03

@Thatsplentyjack

Poor woman, she has been physically abused, cheated on and won't have any assets when she finally does have to leave the house because he's never put her name on the mortgage or married her, but had children with her. No wonder she's refusing to leave.
Not necessarily.

Lots of women go down her path of action when their relationships go shit and they split up. They pretend to be a victim when they are not and in some cases are the one being abusive. (I know a man who did this as well.)

If he threatened her to get her out of the house - even if he didn't mean it - and there is proof e.g. messages the Family Court would grant her an emergency non-molestation order. This would be served on him with no warning. There would be a return hearing within a month. Depending on whether he has a barrister or not, and what he said/did he would get an undertaking or an order to stop him repeating the behaviour.

She has absolutely no rights to the house as they aren't married. Doesn't matter if she had children with him or not. She does have rights to some profits from the sale of the house if she paid for or did any improvements on it.

RedMarauder · 21/10/2021 07:05

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

How does her moving out help the children? Why should she believe he would hand over any money?
She hasn't got any rights to the house.

I bet he threatened to evict her when she wouldn't move which is why he got the non-molestation order against him.

He needs to follow the legal process to evict her. This means his sale will fall through.

pelosi · 21/10/2021 07:07

She would be a fool to believe him over the £30k unless he actually transfers it over.

knittingaddict · 21/10/2021 07:12

Non molestation orders don't just fall off trees. My daughter didn't get one despite refuge, police, CPS, family courts etc.

brittleheadgirl · 21/10/2021 07:15

You sound like a dreadful friend.

Most women don't tell a soul they are being abused.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 21/10/2021 07:17

Why do you think she's lying and not him?
Has he shown you actual evidence that his claims are true?

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/10/2021 07:27

Shame on you OP.

You don't get non mol orders for no reason. The court has clearly seen evidence of his abuse.

How about you support the victim and not the perpetrator?. Take a long, hard look at yourself.
.

RedMarauder · 21/10/2021 07:39

OP if you and your DH want to remain friends with them both you should make an agreement to not have either of them in your house or go to their houses any more. They are both trying to get you on their side as spoils from their relationship split.

If you are going to see them arrange to see them in a public place e.g. pub, bar, restaurant.

Thatsplentyjack · 21/10/2021 07:42

@RedMarauder, yesterday because they just hand out non molestation orders to people willy nilly.

Nowhere did I say she had any rights to the house. So I've no idea why you felt the need to explain that one to me.

From what the OP had said, ice come to the conclusion that I feel sorry for the woman. You can come to any conclusion you like.

HeadNorth · 21/10/2021 07:45

OP - why do you assume the woman is lying and the man telling the truth? Personally, I wouldn't take sides in a divorce. If you let him come to your house with his sob story, then you should go to her girls night in. Or avoid them both.

Beaudalaire · 21/10/2021 07:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

theremustonlybeone · 21/10/2021 07:59

Sadly she is entitled to nothing as they are unmarried, unless she can register an interest in the property. The non mol order has nothing to do with the property. He needs to go through a legal eviction route if she wont leave. However given his children are living in the property what is his view about them being homeless? Or is he going to suggest they come and live with him so your friend is doubly shafted as she wont get maintenance either.

If she was a victim of abuse you likely wont be aware, he may be a master manipulator and doing all the tears and woe is me which narcs are good at to get folks on side. I wouldnt be getting drawn into that and wouldnt trust this man. Courts dont just dish out injunctions without evidence, just because he sees his kids doesnt mean he is safe around their mother.

LIZS · 21/10/2021 08:03

You are only getting drawn in because you allow yourselves to be. I doubt you know the full truth of what happened, it is he said she said. How is he able to sell the house from under them? He makes them homeless but "offers" to control how she can rent. Hmm

theremustonlybeone · 21/10/2021 08:04

having just re read your OP you really have been suckered in by this man. A man who has an injunction out against him (which you seem to think just get handed out with no evidence) he is offering 30K after 15yrs and DC together and expects her just to move. He is happy to make his DC homeless and now getting his ex friends to turn against her as she is clearly 'lying'. He is truly doing a number on you

ThinWomansBrain · 21/10/2021 08:04

hopefully other women in your "girls group" chat are more adult and supportive, so she isn't reliant on your support/friendship

NailsNeedDoing · 21/10/2021 08:19

I wouldn’t have much sympathy with someone who was screwing over their ex financially, even if they were cheated on.

Relationships end, people need to deal with it without expecting their exes to fund them indefinitely.

Quartz2208 · 21/10/2021 08:22

Has her story changed at all

Is he now starting to tell you his story or has he been constant throughout as well

Because that will tell you a lot. Because it could very much be either way and it is interesting that you go to your friend lying.

Which means either she is or he did a damned good job at making you think she is.

Given some of what you are saying he said to you (given the fact that he had an affair is definitely true) makes me inclined to think he is damage control and smoothing things over with you and she is telling the truth

But you know the people

Quartz2208 · 21/10/2021 08:23

Also the fact that they were together for 15 years, he didnt marry her and he is saying it is HIS house tells me everything I would need to know about this man

Lovemusic33 · 21/10/2021 08:37

I managed to get an injunction against my ex, there needed to be prep of of abuse and harassment, he was arrested and charged with harassing me (phone evidence) and it went to court. I was physically and sexually assaulted by this man but to the outside world he appeared like to be a lovely person, I felt like no one believed me. What you see maybe much different to what has been going on in their relationship?

If she has been living in the house for 15 years and they have 2 children I think £30,000 is laughable, I’m guessing it’s at least a 3 bed house? Possibly selling for well over £200,000? If she has been contributing to bills and the mortgage for 15 years she should be entitled to more?

I do understand it may seem like she’s digging her heals in and causing trouble but £30,000 isn’t going to get her a 3 bed house for her and her dc.