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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can I support my friend when she is lying?

114 replies

ihatetheschoolrun · 20/10/2021 20:19

Won't go into to much as possibly outing but feel like me and OH keep getting dragged into things.

OH is good friends with her ex and we have been good friends for 15 years. They are going through a messy breakup they aren't married and she is refusing to leave his house and has randomly took out an injunction on him. He has offered her a large amount of money but still won't move.

He has sold his house but can not complete on it with her living there. We have said we don't want to know anything as it has caused so many arguments between us. However ex has turned up at ours tonight in tears and can't take anymore he is paying bills on his rented property and his mortgage and all bills for her to live there and is struggling.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I've had to come upstairs because I feel bad but she seems happy with her self on our girls group chat?

OP posts:
Laladell · 20/10/2021 21:53

I have an injunction on my ex partner.

You can't just get them willy nilly if you will, you have to give a witness statement, this then goes to court and also the person who is getting served with papers has the right to appeal, so if he has never done anything why wouldn't he? Especially as she is in the home...

As for her not saying about it all, that's unfortunately what dv can be like like. My own family didn't have a clue neither did my best friend and I had my face smashed in, nose broken, other bones broken. Dv victims hide it, as well as the abusers

HalzTangz · 20/10/2021 21:56

Are the children his? If so it's not just a case of getting the ex out of the house.
I presume he has a solicitor involved, who should also be advising him of the legal route to follow, as I'm sure her solicitor is advising her

nitsandwormsdodger · 20/10/2021 21:57

Lots of people never knew about my domestic abuse , I was always cheerful on family whatsup groups, I was the life and soul of parties I was always up beat about my marriage ... all the time I WAS in DV relationship
It’s very harmful to disbelieve women
Either be a good friend and support her or back off and let others who are more enlightened take care of her

Theunamedcat · 20/10/2021 21:58

My ex was arrested for molestation I couldn't get an injunction out on him I did switch the locks around so not technically "changed the locks" previously I had left the key in the lock so he couldn't get in

Its extremely hard to get an injunction he stalked me everywhere we went children services said I must have been telling him nope he was tracking my phone but no-one believed me tons of evidence and no support

You need to look at the situation more objectively

TheUndoingProject · 20/10/2021 21:58

I think you’re jumping to conclusions by believing him. It “doesn’t sit right with me” to blithely assume a woman is lying about domestic abuse.

JurgensCakeBaby · 20/10/2021 22:02

It's not easy to get any kind of injunction, there must be evidence. It's ridiculously common for victims of abuse to cover things and put on a brave face while still in the relationship. You're believing his nonsense. Support your friend rather than call her a liar! I suggest you visit the NCDV and women's aid websites to enable you to understand where she is coming from.

thetwojulies · 20/10/2021 22:05

Yea as others have said they don't 'randomly' give injunctions out. I have a 5 year restraining order against my ex, nearly died to get that one.
Oh and not one person knew I was in an abusive relationship.

Justilou1 · 20/10/2021 22:20

I couldn’t be there for her if I felt that she was truly taking the piss. I would have to know for sure though.

RudestLittleMadam · 20/10/2021 22:24

She can’t have just “randomly got an injunction out against him”. She would have to have have proof it was needed to keep her safe. Just because she’s never mentioned being abused before doesn’t mean she hasn’t been. Domestic abuse isn’t as taboo as it used to be but many people still don’t openly talk about it for all sorts of reasons.

As they’re not married and it seems like the house is in his name only(?) she won’t be able to stay there forever, him being a cheating shit or not. Maybe she’s trying to buy herself and the children some time for now? The rental market is brutal right now (assuming she’d need to rent that is).

Original poster
ihatetheschoolrun · 20/10/2021 22:26

I don't know how it works but he just got served the papers so I don't know if it's effective right away or is it after the hearing?

It's not that I don't believe her it's just odd how it's come out now that the house is nearly sold. He offered her money and to be a guarantor on a new property for her and the kids so it's seems that he was doing the right thing.

I don't want to get involved with it me and OH are constantly being dragged into it so it's hard not to be.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/10/2021 22:29

Go back and read your first post.
Pretend it’s written by someone else.
Yep - she sure is some pisstaking bitch isn’t she, getting a free ride in his house! Where does she get off staying in his house when they’re not even and married and he’s even paying the bills!

Oh wait… next post. She’s in that house WITH THEIR CHILDREN.

Interesting, that that wasn’t important enough in your mind for the first post 🤷🏻‍♀️

RudestLittleMadam · 20/10/2021 22:32

@ihatetheschoolrun

I don't know how it works but he just got served the papers so I don't know if it's effective right away or is it after the hearing?

It's not that I don't believe her it's just odd how it's come out now that the house is nearly sold. He offered her money and to be a guarantor on a new property for her and the kids so it's seems that he was doing the right thing.

I don't want to get involved with it me and OH are constantly being dragged into it so it's hard not to be.

If she’s got any sense she won’t take him up on his offer to be guarantor or any money that isn’t child support. It’s just another way for an abuser to control the the person who’s trying to get away from them.

If you don’t want to be dragged into this saga don’t let yourself be.

Original poster
ihatetheschoolrun · 20/10/2021 22:33

I'm trying to see things from both sides I've always stuck up her. But now I'm thinking why won't she move out then they can just be done with each other? I don't know maybe I'm being naive.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 20/10/2021 22:34

The ex sounds horrendous. He cheates on her (definitely), abused her (by her account, which I'd believe) and now wants to make her homeless despite her having care of their dc the majority of the time?

The problems are of his own making. I'd imagine she could apply for a residence order to stay in the family home. Awful to say it is his home! I'm going to go right ahead and guess she supported his career by providing care for the dc.

I think you need to raise your expectations of male behaviour and be a better friend to her.

Cocomarine · 20/10/2021 22:34

Have you asked her? Not belligerently, just because she’s a friend?

Cocomarine · 20/10/2021 22:39

She might be bitter about him cheating and trying to screw him over.

She might be trying to drive a better deal (for her, or her children).

She might be fed up with him going round to friends telling them how generous he is to act as guarantor when actually she knows that means he’s going to walk in and out of her house whenever he feels like it because he “owes” her.

She may have been told that eviction is the best way to get rehoused.

Who knows?

Who ought to have a better idea? Her “friend”. When my friends went through break ups - messy or otherwise - I knew far more than you seem to.

KikoLemons · 20/10/2021 22:41

Not every woman is an innocent victim. OP knows the couple. We do not. The woman may well be a manipulative liar. She may be an abused wife. We can't know.

It'll be awkward for the OP though either way.

candlelightsatdawn · 20/10/2021 22:41

@ihatetheschoolrun

I'm trying to see things from both sides I've always stuck up her. But now I'm thinking why won't she move out then they can just be done with each other? I don't know maybe I'm being naive.
I don't mean to be blunt but you can't see it from both sides as although he's shared with you his side, she hasn't felt comfortable sharing her side.

Just because she's not openly telling you the ins and outs of things from her perspective doesn't exclude the fact there is a another side. One that she doesn't have to morally share with you because some people don't like to share their dirty laundry.

But she's shared it with the police and they have found enough evidence to give a injunction. The bar is so incredibly high. Also if they are married she's entitled to 50% of that house so he simply can't sell it. She's a mum and has a duty to keep roof over the kids heads. It's really weird that you think it's ok for him to remove the roof from his own kids heads.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 20/10/2021 22:42

Is the money he has offered enough for her to buy another house with their children?

Stompythedinosaur · 20/10/2021 22:58

Being honest op, would you agree to make yourself and your dc homeless because an ex who had cheated on you wanted you to?

NursieBernard · 20/10/2021 23:08

This sounds exactly like what my sisters ex did to her, he was not being kind or generous offering a deposit he just wanted her and their 2 children out of the house quickly. He was also a cheating and abusive arsehole but made out to everyone else he was the nicest guy alive, fucking twat.

Laladell · 20/10/2021 23:10

@ihatetheschoolrun

I don't know how it works but he just got served the papers so I don't know if it's effective right away or is it after the hearing?

It's not that I don't believe her it's just odd how it's come out now that the house is nearly sold. He offered her money and to be a guarantor on a new property for her and the kids so it's seems that he was doing the right thing.

I don't want to get involved with it me and OH are constantly being dragged into it so it's hard not to be.

The hearing is done without him knowing. He will then be served with papers when court decide there is enough grounds to serve him with the papers.

For me personally there was a hearing and he was served 24 hours later.

I had to give a lengthy statement as to why I wanted the order, along with evidence and also back up from the police.

Original poster
ihatetheschoolrun · 20/10/2021 23:14

@Stompythedinosaur he's offered her 30K though so she wouldn't be homeless and they have joint custody of the kiddies.

@Laladell that's interesting I never knew that they do have a court hearing coming up but what you are saying is she's already had a hearing for them to serve papers?

OP posts:
Laladell · 20/10/2021 23:25

[quote ihatetheschoolrun]@Stompythedinosaur he's offered her 30K though so she wouldn't be homeless and they have joint custody of the kiddies.

@Laladell that's interesting I never knew that they do have a court hearing coming up but what you are saying is she's already had a hearing for them to serve papers?[/quote]
That hearing must be for something different.

They wouldn't serve papers then have the hearing after.

My hearing was done without me even being there. The evidence and statement was put before a judge and they decided. Same day I was rang by someone who worked for the NCDV about where they could find him to serve him the papers.

Next day papers were served. They don't mess around if they believe someone is a danger.

Nor do they serve papers without good grounds too either.

Laladell · 20/10/2021 23:28

My ex painted himself out to be a great person, infact I lost a lot of people in my life who thought I was a trouble maxing ex.

But people are soon realising now, as who's the one looking at serving time for assult

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