How can I support my friend when she is lying?

[ihatetheschoolrun]

Won't go into to much as possibly outing but feel like me and OH keep getting dragged into things.

OH is good friends with her ex and we have been good friends for 15 years. They are going through a messy breakup they aren't married and she is refusing to leave his house and has randomly took out an injunction on him. He has offered her a large amount of money but still won't move.

He has sold his house but can not complete on it with her living there. We have said we don't want to know anything as it has caused so many arguments between us. However ex has turned up at ours tonight in tears and can't take anymore he is paying bills on his rented property and his mortgage and all bills for her to live there and is struggling.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I've had to come upstairs because I feel bad but she seems happy with her self on our girls group chat?

Her "girls' night" might well be her gathering her friends to tell everyone what's going on and ask for support. You listened to his side: go and listen to hers.

If he abused her you should not be talking to him or allowing him in your home.

@NailsNeedDoing

I wouldn’t have much sympathy with someone who was screwing over their ex financially, even if they were cheated on.

Relationships end, people need to deal with it without expecting their exes to fund them indefinitely.

Well, he's valuing their relationship, progeny and all, at £2,000 pa. How generous. As Aretha Franklin didn't quite say: 'Who's screwing who?'

I'm not sure she is the one lying here @ihatetheschoolrun. But I know that he's definitely a liar, as do you.

Well, he's valuing their relationship, progeny and all, at £2,000 pa. How generous. As Aretha Franklin didn't quite say: 'Who's screwing who?'

He’s not putting a value on their relationship ffs. He’s made a generous offer to enable her to set up a new home. He doesn’t actually owe her anything, his only obligation is to provide for half of his children’s costs.

Whatever happened in their relationship is irrelevant now. They are separated and need to move on, but she is the one preventing that. If she has the option, which she clearly does, why would she want to stay in a house that belongs to her ‘abuser’? If he was that terrible, surely she’s just want to get away and make as clean a break as possible hen there are children involved, especially condo she has been offered the means to do that.

It sounds like she’s staying just to punish him for his affair because she wants revenge.

One would imagine that the non molestation order being put in place is what's helping her get away from her abuser (no quotation marks 🙄)

Why is everyone so sure he refused to marry her? Maybe she didn’t want to get married. Either way, no one forced her to have children unmarried if it meant that much to her, never mind twice.

She was naive and stupid to live with a man she wasn’t married to in a house she has no part of.

All that aside, OP, no one is making you get involved. That’s a choice. Both you and your partner are able to step back at any moment. Why on Earth would you bring trouble into your own relationship by taking sides? That’s incredibly daft and unnecessary.

'Generous offer'? Are you ok?

Leaving aside whether the abuse allegations are correct - he cheats on his wife and then it’s supposedly ok to make her and his children leave their family home??

She’s not his wife. That’s the whole point. And it’s not the family home anymore. They’re two separate adults and only he owns it. If she had a right to be there he couldn’t have sold it but he has.

He doesn’t actually owe her anything, his only obligation is to provide for half of his children’s costs.

Untrue. If she gave up a career to care for the children and has decreased her employment opportunities due to childcare etc had they been married he may have had to pay spousal maintenance for a limited period.

Not every woman who leaves a relationship is a robber.

Kids are a game changer you didn't mention them in the first place

She will have gotten legal advice to stay there

Where is she supposed to live

If she hasn't outright lied to you then maybe her keeping certain issues quiet is her way of holding things together, not everyone shares all information with friends and family. If she's been abused maybe she's ashamed, maybe she's not wanting to get in a battle with him to win friends sympathy. Possibly her time and mental space is focusing on her next move( where will they live now, how to know who can she trust after she's had her trust ruined by this man). On the otherhand she may have the ability and funds to find a new home but isn't finished with punishing him yet. Who knows, but I would still offer support plus advice if she was seeking it. Obviously she can't stay there indefinitely and may need telling this, it would be best for her and the kids of she was to plan and move somewhere she'd like to settle again, rather than be shipped out, things on the streets and then looking for accommodation last minute.

@SisterAgatha Unfortunately it is true in England that if you aren't married or in a civil partnership with someone and the relationship breaks down they owe you nothing for living with them like a spouse, regardless of whether you have children with them or not.

He may owe her money for some of the improvements done on his house, which is why he offered her the 30K. I know of a handful of former co-habiting couples where this was the case and so the non-home owner got given cash to prevent them taking legal action to get it.