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AIBU?

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Original poster

How can I support my friend when she is lying?

114 replies

ihatetheschoolrun · 20/10/2021 20:19

Won't go into to much as possibly outing but feel like me and OH keep getting dragged into things.

OH is good friends with her ex and we have been good friends for 15 years. They are going through a messy breakup they aren't married and she is refusing to leave his house and has randomly took out an injunction on him. He has offered her a large amount of money but still won't move.

He has sold his house but can not complete on it with her living there. We have said we don't want to know anything as it has caused so many arguments between us. However ex has turned up at ours tonight in tears and can't take anymore he is paying bills on his rented property and his mortgage and all bills for her to live there and is struggling.

What the hell am I supposed to do? I've had to come upstairs because I feel bad but she seems happy with her self on our girls group chat?

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 20/10/2021 23:29

That’s what I meant by saying that I would have to know for sure @ihatetheschoolrun. Having said that, they might have a mutually abusive relationship too. She may be psychologically and financially abusing him.

Serendipity79 · 20/10/2021 23:38

With an injunction, you can obtain one "ex parte" aka with no hearing. The court judges whether the person is a danger and issues an emergency injunction with a return date for a hearing for them to defend themselves and potentially have the injunction dismissed so it sounds like they are in that process now. But you cant "randomly" obtain an injunction and you need to consider how much of a friend you are if you actually believe she did this on a whim - you sound very affiliated to her ex tbh and his woes of not being able to afford bills.

Also - most abuse victims dont disclose it to anyone until months later - I certainly didnt.

galaxyx · 20/10/2021 23:44

I didn't tell any of my friends that ex was a woman beater. I felt ashamed, even though it wasn't on me. I don't know why you've made up your mind that your friend is lying, on the say so of this man who sounds like a dick.

Serendipity79 · 20/10/2021 23:44

Id also be interested to know how they have joint custody of the "kiddies" given custody is a term that hasn't been used for many years - have they been to court to get a Child Arrangement Order on a 50/50 basis as an injunction given for domestic abuse would definitely be relevant in that case, or is it simply they they've agreed it between them?

Hidehi4 · 20/10/2021 23:48

Tell him to be careful as if a hearing is coming up it is for him to fight his case. They can serve if in immediate danger, but he is allowed his say. She must have evidence of abuse. If that has happened more then likely communication isn’t allowed and him going to the property. Do you know if a third party is dropping and picking the children up for contact. Tread carefully on this one and try and stay neutral as there is always 3 sides to a story.

romdowa · 20/10/2021 23:54

Sounds like this guy is feeding you a story and you are falling for it hook , like and sinker. Most abusers are charming and manipulative , otherwise they would never get the opportunity to abuse anybody. Seems like he is now rallying the troops to ostracise and isolate his ex by giving mutual friends his sob story.

StoneofDestiny · 21/10/2021 00:01

Can he not get the services switched off - gas, electric, water etc.

Birdkin · 21/10/2021 00:02

@StoneofDestiny

Can he not get the services switched off - gas, electric, water etc.
His children live there….
Stompythedinosaur · 21/10/2021 00:14

Is the 30k adequate to maintain the dc's life, same school etc? Is she able to get a mortgage?

Is may be in the process of pursuing a residency order to stay in the house until the dc are 18.

What did the ex think would happen when he cheating on her - that she'd walk away so as not to inconvenience him?

Why do his tears about a situation that is 100% of his own making and due to his own shitty choices evoke so much more sympathy from you than a woman's account of abuse and trying to do the best for her dc.

Coyoacan · 21/10/2021 00:22

Another pne shocked that are on the side of the cheat who is looking to evict his own children from their home

Viviennemary · 21/10/2021 00:41

She sounds like a selfish scrounger. I couldnt be friends with somebody like that.

StarryNightSparkles · 21/10/2021 00:44

I don't understand why you are getting involved or so deeply involved in this when it's nothing to do with you. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Keep an open mind and stay out of it.

TatianaBis · 21/10/2021 01:15

It doesn’t really sound like you’re her friend at all.

You seem to be taking her DP’s word for everything. If you really knew her well you would know the grounds on which she got the injunction - which, as others have said, is a legal process for which you have to provide evidence - and the basis on which she is staying in the house.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 21/10/2021 01:24

Sounds like a very messy situation and you don't really know what happened between them. I wouldn't blindly take his word for anything.

She is your friend - talk to her.

LetHimHaveIt · 21/10/2021 01:55

@Viviennemary

She sounds like a selfish scrounger. I couldnt be friends with somebody like that.
She probably doesn't open the door to postmen, either 🙄
PersonaNonGarter · 21/10/2021 02:15

He sounds an abusive cheater, and she is trying to keep her kids in their home.

Not sure why this is all so terrible for you though.

Ponoka7 · 21/10/2021 02:32

He might be telling her that he will pay her when she's moved out and quite rightly she doesn't believe him, so is staying put until it's been through court. She might have an inkling that he'll move back in with the OW.
It's a myth put about by misogynists that injunctions are easy to get. There has to be evidence. Women very rarely 'cry abuse', but women are often abused. Especially when they don't just piss off because their partner has found someone else to shag.
My DD never told me, her friends or her elder sister about the abuse that she was going through. She didn't tell us when neighbours had to call the police.
Think carefully before you brand other women liars based on a cheats tears of self pity.

stayathomer · 21/10/2021 03:10

A 'random injunction' really jumped out at me. How can you possibly know the full story by listening to one person's side? As for the group chat: Me having the shittest day of my life might still message 'how's everyone doing?' as I sit in tears. Whatever the truth I would either talk to her or just plain out tell her you can't meet her as you're in the middle and I'd move away from the friendship as I don't think you're really friends, it sounds like you're finished with her

MangoSeason · 21/10/2021 03:21

Maybe she has agreed to move out only when the magical 30k hits her bank account. Wise woman, if so.

takingonestepatatime · 21/10/2021 03:42

[quote ihatetheschoolrun]@Stompythedinosaur he's offered her 30K though so she wouldn't be homeless and they have joint custody of the kiddies.

@Laladell that's interesting I never knew that they do have a court hearing coming up but what you are saying is she's already had a hearing for them to serve papers?[/quote]
£30 K out of how much - the house is the children’s.

Flowerpowwer6 · 21/10/2021 03:46

@ihatetheschoolrun

I'm trying to see things from both sides I've always stuck up her. But now I'm thinking why won't she move out then they can just be done with each other? I don't know maybe I'm being naive.
Ask her? Is he a rubbish dad?

Say no to the girls night say your not feeling up to it.

pelosi · 21/10/2021 05:44

Blimey, massive drip feeds about the kids, physical abuse and cheating.

So they’ve had children and she has been raising them with a rubbish father. She should have married him before having kids, she would now be entitled to 50% of the house.

The fact that she has served papers on him and you didn’t even know what for shows you have no idea what’s going.

You’re not naive, you’re just agreeing with him that it’s his house and she and the kids aren’t entitled to any of it and she should be grateful for whatever he gives her. Whereas she has her kids to think of and their futures.

You seem a bit jealous or fixated on this £30k, but that won’t go far on buying a house, only a deposit.

Saoirse82 · 21/10/2021 06:06

I think you need to be a much better friend OP. Why would you take the word of the cheating, potentially abusive ex over you're friend? Why is his word better than hers? To me he sounds massively manipulate, most abusers tend to be.

Saoirse82 · 21/10/2021 06:06

*your

arcof · 21/10/2021 06:31

This is hella confusing

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