People who don’t ask you anything about yourself

[Zippyzoppy]

On the back of the nosy thread I’ve been reading, I wanted to ask you all how you feel about people don’t ask anything about you.

On several occasions over the years I’ve met/chatted to friends of friends at parties/gatherings etc. I often come away feeling that people (in particular men - sorry!) have told me lots about themselves, but not asked at all about me much at all. This makes me feel that they aren’t interested in me as a person or are self absorbed. But now reading the nosy thread, maybe they are just being diplomatic?

So AIBU to think they are self absorbed and disinterested?

I would much rather chat to a nosey person asking probing questions than someone who only spoke about themselves. My ILs are like that and it's so hard to stay engaged in a conversation and it really makes me feel shit to never be asked anything about me/my life.

My mum never asked me a single question about myself. I always had to tell her things. I asked her why when I was about 30 and she said she didn't want to seem nosy!

I think some people honestly think a conversation and a monologue are interchangeable.

I know lots of people like it, they will ramble on about themselves for ages then glaze over as soon as you talk about yourself. Just poor conversation skills.

But yes I agree it’s self absorbed. There is a way to ask questions/leave gaps for others in the conversation without being nosy or pushy.

I was thinking when looking at that other thread that I prefer people who ask questions because at least they're showing an interest.

There's 2 women at work who I used to go for dinner and drinks with occasionally. I stopped going after I realised they never, ever asked me a single thing about myself. I knew SO much about them, probably more than I wanted to know really, but they didn't even know I had a partner because they never asked how I was or what was going on in my life! They might ask me one or two work related questions but never anything about me. I would be so bored.

They still meet up and presumably monologue about themselves, but I have a better group of coworker friends now who are actually interested in my life (as I am in theirs).

I was just talking about this to my husband the other day. I popped into work and asked my colleague how she was, as I knew she'd been unwell with shingles in July/August and I haven't seen her since. She talked for 40 minutes about every aspect of it and it does sound like she'd had a difficult time. However, not once did she ask me anything about me or our family, even though we have all been ill with covid, including my husband being in hospital with it.

If it was a one-off then fine, but it's like this every single time I see her. I am genuinely interested in her wellbeing, but it's simply not reciprocated. I find it kind of fascinating - does she simply have no interest in other people, or genuinely believe that only her life is worth mentioning? It seems to be common to many people and I just don't understand. It seems rude to only talk about yourself and never even consider that other people might be worth listening to.

One of my pet hates. I cant stand it and am now so aware of it. Its bad manners to only talk about yourself and so many people seem to do it. Its impossible to get to know someone , when the conversation is one sided. As I have got older , I have become pretty ruthless about not bothering with people like this. Of course I will say hello and use pleasantries but nothing more . Most people seem to have no idea that they are even doing this.

I don't care if people don't ask about me.

I don't think it is necessarily a bad character trait, just more a reflection that they have ishoos of whatever form - which is no negative judgment as such, just makes the interaction an interesting series of observations. Let's face it, no-one is like this unless they have ishoos, and it's sort of interesting to observe them (for me anyway)

I don't need people to ask me how I am, I generally know.

I've found this with on-line dating. It quickly descends into me asking questions and them answering with no return question or comment on any info I've offered. Like an interview, but way more boring. I quickly block.

God yes I find it baffling as well. Surely the point of having a conversation is an exchange of views and information, a way of building relationships and developing knowledge and personal skills.
I just find it very hard to understand what people gain by "monologuing" stuff they already know.
A woman I know from the gym is like that. She barely pauses for breath and I can't get a word in edgeways. If I do she usually interrupts and on the odd occasion she does ask me a question I will start to answer and she will dive in, interrupt and answer it herself!

With some people it is a sense of self-importance, that everyone MUST know all about them and their projected image and it is inconceivable that anyone might not be interested or consider themselves equally interesting/important.
Others though just seem to have the urge to talk and a talk and talk as if running on a motor. No nasty undertone, just don't seem to be able to control it.

I have this with a senior colleague at work.

She rings me during work hours. Conversation could start work related but then after that I might have to listen for about half an hour about her and her life. Never asks me how I am and if I say something about myself etc there is no response. She is just silent on the other end of the phone.

Yes it's self absorbed behaviour.
I had a friend once I knew all her family history (despite never meeting any of them) to the point I knew her uncles drug addictions and how many times they had been in rehab and she didn't know how old I was or my likes/dislikes. Friendship soon ended!

I hate talking about myself and so dislike personal questions. I tend to assume that others are like me and therefore do them the courtesy (as I see it) of not probing. Logically I know that many people would appreciate me taking a more overt interest in their personal lives but I don't always remember to.

I'm happy to chatter away about impersonal things, though.

I work for myself so do a lot of networking type events. The people that don’t even ask your name while trying to pitch their stuff to you is shocking.

I feel that people who do this really lack emotional intelligence (and quite often intelligence full stop).

God I can't stand this. I put up with it when I was younger but now at 32, I avoid people like this. I'm from the UK, live in an EU country, speak the local language. I met another woman from the UK last year locally, both had new babies and I was giving her something for free. We kept in contact and went for a few walks but she never asked any questions, interrupted me when I was speaking and only talked about herself. then I only got messages when she needed help with something / local bureaucracy, I didn't even get a "how are you". So yeah, the last message I got asking for help with (yet again) documents and child support, on a ridiculously busy and stressful weekend which she knew about, I stopped answering. Haven't spoken since. life is too short for these kind of people. I need a friendship where there is interest on both sides

This is my top pet hate .

With certain people I always feel like I'm interviewing them as the other person doesn't ask about me. But I want to seem interested in them. I was taught to show interest is by asking about them

So many opportunities for them to ask me something but they don't . Why not ?!

And sometimes they will just start a new topic with a random tale or statement about them which just hangs in the air unless I ask a related question or comment on it

Last week I spent 4 hours with 5 people and not one asked anything about me. I have an interesting life but they were too self absorbed to notice . It was just a string of stories / monologues connected by tenuous links . By the end I just grunted and stopped commenting or asking things. I didn't think they cared or noticed.

Have people forgotten their social skills during lockdown ? Or am I less tolerant ?

Oh lord. I have ADHD and one of the common traits is wittering on about myself and then while the other person talks I'll think "oh, yes, I've done that" and want to give my anecdote but they're still talking and all my brain is doing is running an internal monologue of "tell them, tell them now, interrupt, tell them, TELL THEM YOUR COOL AND RELATABLE STORY NOW!" at which point I miss half of what they're saying and then just dive in with my anecdote.

I will then spend the next hour, after I've left said person, cringing at my crap conversation skills and berating myself for being a rubbish human/friend/colleague for not seeming engaged or asking questions back.

Obviously not everyone in these situations has a neurological disorder, but for those of us that do what may seem like a simple and straightforward chat to a neurotypical person is actually an exhausting encounter fraught with pitfalls and embarrassment to those of us who struggle with social situations.

I have the opposite of this. I have a friend who always asks questions about me, my dc, DH etc but when asked the same questions (as you do in conversation) very quickly diverts the topic to something else and never shares anything but the barest minimum if put on the spot. I can understand wanting to be private and not wanting to share anything but why would you then probe and pry others about their lives?

Was saying just this to my DH last night. Just spoke with a neighbour as noticed she had a Sold sign outside her door. Thought I'd knock and see how things were and basically had a monologue for 45 mins about her new house and barely paused for breath.

Had friends round for lunch at the weekend and again all about them and their life. I would interject and comment on similar thing in our life and we'd get a nod but no further queries then back to them.

I've now been on the active look out for these types and it's not loads of people but I do notice and have committed this info to memory so I don't get sucked in to just listening.

It is rude and self centred but if no one pulls them up on it then they'll carry on. I'm going to have to make an effort to butt in and give info and I thought I may say "Are you interested in hearing about xyz?" and see what they say because a normal person would say oh yes do tell but a selfish monologue-er will probably go quiet or if they say yes butt in to turn it around to their conversation topics fairly quickly.

I also hate the people who finish off your sentence for you, why why do that. I purposely try and think of an unusual way to end the sentence than what they typically think I'm going to say and look at them quizzically when they say it differently to me.

I think lack of social skills

I'd rather talk about nothing than ask someone random personal questions unless I genuinely want to know. There's usually no need for me to genuinely want to know what someone does for a living or where they went to uni or how long you've lived at your home if such conversations didn't come up naturally or if I wasn't curious for some reason.

Same with people asking me random personal questions just to make conversation when I know they either really don't want to know and are just being "polite" or they're looking for gossip fodder.

People who fire 101 questions at people, believing it passes for conversation because 'at least they're not talking about themselves', are tiresome. I avoid them. I'd actually rather you talk about yourself and i'll chime in if I need to with something about myself. I find people more interesting that way and I'll easily find questions to ask based on what you've already said.

That's why I cherish the very few real conversations I have with people when they organically happen, because we're truly interested in what we're saying and asking each other.

A group of people I'm inextricably involved with are like this. We've known each other for a long time. In their cases I think it's mostly that they're self-absorbed but partly lack of social skills. I think they genuinely don't know how to. They grew up in a home where they had very few visitors. The parents have very little in the way of a social life.

But although they talk about themselves a lot in terms of what they've been doing , their pets etc they're very private in terms of how they feel about things eg being bereaved, break ups etc. I think mostly through pride.

I don’t mind people talking about themselves but If they do so at length without asking anything about me I do wonder why that is - is it a conscious belief that their ‘stuff’ is more important, or some kind of gap in social awareness?

I don't always think badly of people who do that. Sometimes it can be a form of social anxiety, if they grew up shy and forced themselves to overcome it by being chatty about their lives, they can sometimes forget to ask about the other person, because their mind is an anxious whirr of 'what can I say next to fill the silence and make myself seem interesting and not introverted'.

I had this at a new job where I was being mentored last week. I came away from the 2 hours knowing names/ages/schools of her kids, where she lives, previous jobs, and loads of inconsequential things like where she got married, what her husband does, where she's going on holiday etc. She came away knowing none of this about me, because she didn't ask me a single question.

But she was clearly a lovely, kind, warm person, I just got the sense she struggled socially due to low self-esteem. I certainly wouldn't hold this against her.

(Of course, some people are just arseholes who are only interested in themselves - I've met my fair share of those too!)

I'm one of those people, sorry. In part I think it's because my DM taught me that it was ride to ask questions (probably a bit of misinterpretation on young me's part?), but also because of a bit of social anxiety too. I imagine people thinking, who does LaMadrilena think she is asking personal questions as if we were that intimate? I feel like I don't have a right to ask anything. Silly I know, but hard to overcome.