People who don’t ask you anything about yourself

[Zippyzoppy]

On the back of the nosy thread I’ve been reading, I wanted to ask you all how you feel about people don’t ask anything about you.

On several occasions over the years I’ve met/chatted to friends of friends at parties/gatherings etc. I often come away feeling that people (in particular men - sorry!) have told me lots about themselves, but not asked at all about me much at all. This makes me feel that they aren’t interested in me as a person or are self absorbed. But now reading the nosy thread, maybe they are just being diplomatic?

So AIBU to think they are self absorbed and disinterested?

My mother never asks anything about me or my children.

A few years ago there was a fancy 'do' at my workplace, and she happened to be invited. After she'd refused she mentioned it to me, and was entirely uninterested when I reminded her that's where I work.

I used to think it was related to old age and hearing loss. Now I think she just prefers to talk about herself.

This was a major component of the breakdown of my second marriage. My ex-H and all his friends were like this. What was really confusing and maddening was that they actually asked quite a lot of questions, normal nice ones, oh how are you, how's your sister, etc....to the people in their "in group." But it was like they'd all made their friends around age 20 and now they didn't care to learn anything about anyone on the outside of it.

My exH would say, well, you can just tell them things you want them to know, but what a weird thing to have to do all the time. His friends had met me several times before they even learned what I do for a living, and I think of that as a question where normal people often know the answer within 5-10 minutes of knowing someone new!

Unless I have anything to add to what the other person is saying or can relate to a situation they are talking about then I'm happy to not say a thing. I actually prefer not talking about myself.

Yes sadly this has become the norm with people I meet and I end up feeling like the grand inquisitor cos it’s always me asking them about themselves and they never ask me anything. My family are the worst for this. It is part of the reason I have largely lost interest in socialising.

My Sister is like this, she will ask how we are then when I start telling her things she will suddenly start talking about something/someone completely random, obviously not listening. Yet she complains about one of her friends doing the same damn thing.

I just love a detailed blow by blow update on the lives of acquaintances and their children when I never even asked how they were!

I'm neuro diverse (ADHD/ Autistic spectrum) and I find it hard to not talk about myself.
I forget to ask other people how they are. It's not because I'm self absorbed or because I'm not interested it's just I don't think to ask!

Many times I've left a conversation and thought fuck me, I didn't even give them chance to say anything. I do go back and apologise though. I have to constantly check where a conversation is going and whether I'm being to talk heavy and not allowing other people their turn.

I also feel anxious if there's something I really want to say but there's no space in a conversation to say it. Usually I think it's helpful info because it's something I've experienced or have knowledge about.

Totally agree. I have a mate like this, she will expand on the most mundane things, it's not even funny. Absolutely self obsessed

Dp and I once had Christmas at his sibling and some extended family on their in-laws side who lived very nearby were invited for the day. We hadn't met them before.

I have never experienced anything like it. We tried really hard and both have sociable jobs so were used to dealing with people but in the whole day I noticed they literally didn't ask us a thing - about our journey, where we lived, what we did, anything at all. It was bloody hard work. The funniest thing is apparently they said afterwards they liked us and sibling was surprised as "they rarely take to people".

Dmil is expert at never directly asking us anything but somehow being able to bore on to others about us. I never understand where she gets the info from as it's not from us.

I'm pretty good with friends but I'm awful for this on the hop. I'm try to be pleasant but mostly I feel a little socially ambushed if I wasn't ready for it and so I feel like I'm batting away questions. Later I'll think, oh shit, I should have asked him/her about - important thing going on in their life - that's what they were angling towards, but I only riddle it out in retrospect.

My Mum is like this- never ever asks anything about how I am etc…. Which I can put up with but she also never asks about my children which I can’t understand and find upsetting. Every conversation is about her (and now her plus covid - which she’s not had and is very unlikely to ever get as she very rarely leaves home).

It's not because I'm self absorbed or because I'm not interested it's just I don't think to ask! @MissCrowley

But isn't that the definition of disinterest and self-absorption? You don't think to ask?

No it's because I've explained about the fact that I'm neuro diverse and my brain doesn't operate like a neuro typical persons!
Maybe read my full comment before being rude.

And it's not like I'm unaware of it. And I have apologised for this in the past with friends and said "gosh I was really rude, I'm
Sorry I didn't even ask how you were..." and then I'll make sure the focus is on them rather than myself.
I'm guessing self absorbed people wouldn't give a flying shit about whether or not they appeared rude or not.

for me there are different types:

1. never asks questions but leaves gaps for other people to speak, so you can volunteer information and they take an interest- all fine, a conversation can be had!
2. witters on because of social anxiety but calms down after a while, leaves gaps for others to speak and takes an interest- all fine, a conversation can be had!
3. talks at people, doesn't let others get a word in, when interrupted just waits until they can start talking again....avoid like the plague because a conversation cannot be had!

For me the real issue is less how good are their social skills (because some people are anxious) but more: do they take an interest in me and my life? I've noticed too that a lot of men seem to fall into category 3 .

But also my mum, which is very annoying. I now just cut the conversation short when she lapses into one of her monologues and tell her I need to go. Sometimes she seems to get it and hurriedly asks me how I or the children are.

How do people manage to stay like that for all of their adult lives though? I just don't get it [bemused]

Yes. These types are so dull. When I get one on the phone whilst working, I try to type really silently while they blather on about themself.

@Itsnotover

It's why autistic children can have problems making friends. It's very sad actually

My son has trouble for this very reason. We practice having fake conversations at home 😂 he is getting better at it but we have to remind him ‘ask Kiera if she likes pokemon too’ or ‘Kiera says she wants to be a vet what do you think about this would she be good at being a vet?’ If we let him he would just drone on about a television programme he likes or similar and other kids would get bored.

I see upthread someone saying how an autistic person is trying to make a connection but I guess from someone else’s point of view that isn’t really a connection any more than listening to a YouTuber speak is ‘connecting’ to them. If you walk away from someone and they know everything about you but you don’t know a thing about their name it isn’t a two way connection. On the other hand would you feel you had made a ‘connection’ if you were the one standing listening to the monologue rather than the one giving it?

@BeQuietBrenda

Oh lord. I have ADHD and one of the common traits is wittering on about myself and then while the other person talks I'll think "oh, yes, I've done that" and want to give my anecdote but they're still talking and all my brain is doing is running an internal monologue of "tell them, tell them now, interrupt, tell them, TELL THEM YOUR COOL AND RELATABLE STORY NOW!" at which point I miss half of what they're saying and then just dive in with my anecdote.

I will then spend the next hour, after I've left said person, cringing at my crap conversation skills and berating myself for being a rubbish human/friend/colleague for not seeming engaged or asking questions back.

Obviously not everyone in these situations has a neurological disorder, but for those of us that do what may seem like a simple and straightforward chat to a neurotypical person is actually an exhausting encounter fraught with pitfalls and embarrassment to those of us who struggle with social situations.

This is me. I really need to get checked for ADHD. I also find my brain drifting off when someone talks about something unless I’m really really interested. So if it’s juicy gossip I’ll be questiontastic, agog, eyes like saucers. Otherwise I have to concentrate very very VERY hard and do little tricks like repeat things they’ve said eg “oh so Steve’s not well you say, he must be so fed up with it?” because I immediately forget things people tell me. It’s hugely embarrassing.

My colleague and a separate, very close friend both do this. They yabber on for bloody ages and then change the subject or make their excuses when I start talking about myself. They honestly take the piss with it and don’t even realise, I'm embarrassed for them!!

It really used to bother me and get me down. But then I got some perspective and realised it’s them not me with the problem. They’re the ones who have poor emotional intelligence that I can see firsthand has really held them back in work and life. They’d have much more success if they actually listened and learnt from others.

So mainly I feel sorry for them and if I were them, would be mortified to learn that people think this about me. I’m sure I’m not the only person to notice it.

My coping mechanism is to put up boundaries, have premeditated phrases or actions when it’s getting too much. I can’t really avoid them and you will always come across people like this, so I turn it to my advantage and observe/ secretly learn from their behaviour how not to be. Much as I’ve learnt how to be a good manager by avoiding the behaviour of shitty managers!

Try it... it’s enlightening!

The other thing I’m doing is ensuring my children develop good emotional intelligence and don’t grow up to be selfish and self absorbed. The path to true happiness is kindness to others and gratitude.

I see upthread someone saying how an autistic person is trying to make a connection but I guess from someone else’s point of view that isn’t really a connection any more than listening to a YouTuber speak is ‘connecting’ to them. If you walk away from someone and they know everything about you but you don’t know a thing about their name it isn’t a two way connection. On the other hand would you feel you had made a ‘connection’ if you were the one standing listening to the monologue rather than the one giving it?

Yes but surely you understand that being autistic means you don't naturally know 'how' to make connections. It doesn't occur to the autistic person that they might come across as disinterested.

I can be like this sometimes because I try to relate by comparing my own experiences with what people say. I'm really conscious of it and I hate to upset people because of it, it's unintentional.

Also, I actually do find that watching YouTube videos feels like socialising to me which is very odd but there you go [embarrassed]

I'm trying to make the point that autistic people can't help the way our brains are wired. We don't naturally smile when we see people we know either. In my head I can think that I'm smiling back at someone but I'm not. I only realised this courtesy of mirrors at my gym.

@SharonasCorona

I’m from a different country, although grew up up in the UK too, and still have to bite back some questions in the UK. I’ve learnt that even commenting on how nice someone’s lunch looks can be misconstrued.

It’s a minefield, so I can see why some people feel it’s easier to just not ask.

Ha that's because they think you want some 😂

I know so many people like this and mainly work colleagues.. especially the negative moany ones who chat away about their lives and if you try to talk about yourself it goes back to them immediately! I glaze over and end the chat!

Also have a good friend who is really self centered and never asks me about myself…not sure she’s a friend if I’m honest!!

I've noticed it's a trait in every barrister I've ever met. Small sample admittedly.