People who don’t ask you anything about yourself

[Zippyzoppy]

On the back of the nosy thread I’ve been reading, I wanted to ask you all how you feel about people don’t ask anything about you.

On several occasions over the years I’ve met/chatted to friends of friends at parties/gatherings etc. I often come away feeling that people (in particular men - sorry!) have told me lots about themselves, but not asked at all about me much at all. This makes me feel that they aren’t interested in me as a person or are self absorbed. But now reading the nosy thread, maybe they are just being diplomatic?

So AIBU to think they are self absorbed and disinterested?

It's not "nosy" to be interested in the other person, and there are ways of getting anyone talking.
Sure if you say "how much did you pay for your new house?", then that is nosy.
If you say "oh I hear you are moving to a New Area. What attracted you to move there?" then that isn't nosy.
Try to remember something about everyone. So someone likes cats, they like hillwalking etc. Saying to them "read anything good recently?" is not nosy.

I work with the most self absorbed bunch of people. Ask them a question, wind them up and watch them go. An hour later they have barely paused for breath as they tell you all of the details of their pet's injury, their sister's IVF, or their kids music lessons. Boring boring boring. I swear that they have never asked me anything about myself. If I said to them "Tell me something you know about me!" they would struggle. I find it fascinating that they can be so socially tone deaf.

It's not "nosy" to be interested in the other person, and there are ways of getting anyone talking.

I know this in theory but I find the practice much more difficult.

If you say "oh I hear you are moving to a New Area. What attracted you to move there?" then that isn't nosy.

I like this sort of question though - nosy or not. Personally, I'd think the person is curious, not nosy. It's the sort of thing I'd ask and don't mind being asked. It's a very pointed question that gets you to actually think about the answer, and has the potential to open doors to more interesting discussions/questions and answers.

I've found this a lot and it's made me wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing- not volunteering up information as part of the conversation? I find that I don't really say much unless asked or annoyed as I don't think the person I'm in 'conversation with' is actually interested (otherwise they'd ask?) so what's the point in sharing something? 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I am interested in people, but I don't know what to ask. I am autistic, and don't want to ask set questions for the sake of it, as that is fake. So sometimes I explain that to them, so they don't think I don't care. Otherwise it can end up with me talking a lot, because they are the ones asking me the questions. But as the conversation progresses, I usually find something to ask, from what they've said. So I suppose it's the superficial introductory stuff I am not interested in.

I used to be a bit like this but I trained myself out of it.

I think it's because my dad is one of those people. Even though I love him, I often avoid speaking on the phone because he will just not let you get a word in edgeways!! and if you manage to, he does the eyes glaze over impatient thing. I know he cares but he really does like to talk about his interests. At social occasions woe betide anyone he 'corners'.

It used to never occur to me to ask questions about the other person, unless it was something which interested me. I realised about mid/late 20s though how rude I must seem.

I now make a point of asking people questions, remembering things about them and asking how things are or how their family is / holiday went etc. It's second nature now I just do it automatically and it has improved all my relationships and interactions.

"oh I hear you are moving to a New Area. What attracted you to move there?"

You see, to me, that indicates you've been talking behind someone's back....If they want me to know they're moving they'll tell me. I know I'm not right, but that's how it feels to me.

I work with someone like this, endlessly talks about herself and never asks me anything, all ears however if it is anything work related. I spend less time chatting to her now, it is the only way.

If they told me they were moving, I'd follow up with questions about where to and why, but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking about something I know about them that they didn't tell me.

I think there's a big middle ground between never asking the other person a single thing about themselves, and peppering them with inane or personal questions.

Maybe this is why so many posters are on here with problems saying they don’t have any friends or real life support. They can’t get over the initial friendly chit chat necessary to make a connection with someone. My DB was with his partner for over 15 years and in that time she never asked me or my DH a single question about ourselves. Not even “ what have you been up to?” Over that time I had a baby too so not that difficult to find a topic of conversation even for the most socially inept. She just didn’t care about anyone but herself.

I cannot abide these people - self absorbed insufferable bores.

I will nod along, smile and make appropriate interested noises. I will give them the benefit of the doubt that it is a stressful day or something unusual is going on with them. But if this one sided conversation continues for a second or third time i make a mental note to always be in a rush someplace (the other side of the room usually) everytime they spot me and try to corner me for more unpaid therapy.

I much prefer talking to self absorbed people who can ramble on and on about themselves! Especially if I don't know them :) then there are no awkward silences, I don't have to say much and I don't need to worry about small talk etc....!!

If it was a close friend I'd not like it so much though xx

Whilst I do think that self absorbed people are tiresome I'm just posting to let you know that sometimes autistic people do this without realising.

I don't like people asking me questions about myself because it feels intrusive. Over the years, I have learned that NT people enjoy being asked questions so I always remind myself to ask them a lot if questions.

But it's just so you know that sometimes an autistic person will actually want to make a connection and won't realise that other people don't want to hear a monologue about them / their interests!

Obviously some people are just self centred a holes but not in every case.

Ha ha that’s me - I hate asking people questions incase it seems rude, so I totally overshare in the hope that they say ‘me too’ and tell me about themselves 🙈

It obviously doesn’t work - and I can come away feeling vulnerable. I know I do it but I just can’t bring myself to ask questions as I get so anxious.

Someone commented recently that they only just realised I do care, and that my lack of questioning is through being overly polite not disinterest. I hadn’t realised it’s how I would come across. So I’m now trying to find ways around it, such as commenting on something that someone’s good at etc so that they can see I’ve noticed who they are, whilst still managing to not ask any questions. Doesn’t always work as it takes conscious effort but I’m far more comfortable with that.

The worst are people who ask you personal stuff and then forget what you said and then ask again and forget again.

Or people who never listen to anything you say but will tell you what you think or what sort of person you are!

I sometimes feel almost panicky when someone is talking at me. There was a woman who often walked her dog near where I used to live & I would dread seeing her because she would verbally batter me! It was truly awful! I ended up almost backing away from her. Unfortunately I know quite a few people who are perfectly pleasant but never ask me anything about myself. Obviously you have to try not to go too far the other way & grill whoever you’re talking to but it’s common courtesy to show interest in other peoples lives.

It's why autistic children can have problems making friends. It's very sad actually

I am by instinct with the 'don't want to seem to be nosy' crowd (I usually do genuinely want to hear about other people's lives!) and also will chatter on myself just to keep conversation going. But I have come to understand that other people feel the opposite and, like previous posters, have tried to train myself
to ask more and talk less, although this is out of my comfort zone.

Actually, this weekend after a few drinks I did ask a man I hardly know a very personal question about his recent break up. I'd have never asked sober, but he seemed glad to be asked and to have someone to tell about it. That led him to ask me something more personal than he might otherwise have done, which was also good to talk about. I still wouldn't ask sober though

Yes I have work colleagues like this, it's not great

It doesn't bother me. I'm quite shy and quiet really so don't mind if people Witter on. I prefer to listen. And have been told I'm a good listener. I think having counselling training helps because it teaches you how to listen, how to remember key points in what a friend is telling you and to feedback appropriately.
I'm also a private person so take a long time to open up to people so if they don't ask about me I'm happy with that! (Also I honestly know my life isn't that interesting, it's the witter-ers who don't seem to have realised that most people don't care to know random stuff about what little Charlie said at the zoo last week etc)

When I was at home with my DC when they were little I craved adult conversation….so the moment anyone started chatting to me I was so pleased to have a adult to chat with I’d rabbit on for ages without pausing!
Then after I’d feel awful when I realised I’d not asked any questions or shown much interest in them. It was never because I was self obsessed or not interested…I just had so few times I’d get the chance to talk to adults that I went a bit OTT!!

@BeQuietBrenda

Oh lord. I have ADHD and one of the common traits is wittering on about myself and then while the other person talks I'll think "oh, yes, I've done that" and want to give my anecdote but they're still talking and all my brain is doing is running an internal monologue of "tell them, tell them now, interrupt, tell them, TELL THEM YOUR COOL AND RELATABLE STORY NOW!" at which point I miss half of what they're saying and then just dive in with my anecdote.

I will then spend the next hour, after I've left said person, cringing at my crap conversation skills and berating myself for being a rubbish human/friend/colleague for not seeming engaged or asking questions back.

Obviously not everyone in these situations has a neurological disorder, but for those of us that do what may seem like a simple and straightforward chat to a neurotypical person is actually an exhausting encounter fraught with pitfalls and embarrassment to those of us who struggle with social situations.

So so relatable 😂😂😂

ADHD here too. I like to think I'm better these days at doing the conversation thing, I'm a lot better of thinking of things to ask the other person. But I look back at younger me and cringe so much!

I have a degree of social anxiety and I'm most comfortable in conversations where the focus isn't on me. So I don't mind it when people don't ask questions. It is a bit boring when someone monologues instead of having a back-and-forth conversation but I find I can still have a meaningful/interesting interaction without sharing anything about my life. I've got so used to doing that, in fact, that I often actually feel a bit exposed and awkward if I talk about myself for long.