People who don’t ask you anything about yourself

[Zippyzoppy]

On the back of the nosy thread I’ve been reading, I wanted to ask you all how you feel about people don’t ask anything about you.

On several occasions over the years I’ve met/chatted to friends of friends at parties/gatherings etc. I often come away feeling that people (in particular men - sorry!) have told me lots about themselves, but not asked at all about me much at all. This makes me feel that they aren’t interested in me as a person or are self absorbed. But now reading the nosy thread, maybe they are just being diplomatic?

So AIBU to think they are self absorbed and disinterested?

I met up with a friend who had came back to visit after moving away for a year. I chatted to her and her DH for over an hour asking them various questions about where they have moved to and how they and the kids were finding it. It was easy to do as I was genuinely interested. A few hours after I left I realised not once did they ask me anything about my life. I felt so unimportant to them. I decided not to invest in this friendship any more as clearly it’s one way as they don’t give a shit about me so don’t deserve a genuinely kind and caring friend!

@HarlanPepper

I have a degree of social anxiety and I'm most comfortable in conversations where the focus isn't on me. So I don't mind it when people don't ask questions. It is a bit boring when someone monologues instead of having a back-and-forth conversation but I find I can still have a meaningful/interesting interaction without sharing anything about my life. I've got so used to doing that, in fact, that I often actually feel a bit exposed and awkward if I talk about myself for long.

I’m the same sometimes. I feel exposed and all eyes on me if it’s a personal question. A lot of the time, if it’s someone I don’t know so well, I don’t want to talk about myself and it takes me huge effort to tap into any emotion behind talking about what they’ve asked me about. Then I’m sat wondering if they actually care or if they’re just asking to be polite. It’s a minefield with SA.

I was only thinking a few days ago about how an exbf of mine never asked me anything about myself. It's only now,with good old hindsight that I've realised this. We were were together a couple of years,but I wouldn't mind betting that if he had been asked what my favourite colour was,or my favourite food,for example,he wouldn't have had a clue. It went a lot deeper than that though,in that he never asked about my family,my childhood, anything really!

@Itsnotover

I see upthread someone saying how an autistic person is trying to make a connection but I guess from someone else’s point of view that isn’t really a connection any more than listening to a YouTuber speak is ‘connecting’ to them. If you walk away from someone and they know everything about you but you don’t know a thing about their name it isn’t a two way connection. On the other hand would you feel you had made a ‘connection’ if you were the one standing listening to the monologue rather than the one giving it?

Yes but surely you understand that being autistic means you don't naturally know 'how' to make connections. It doesn't occur to the autistic person that they might come across as disinterested.

Of course I understand that. If you’ve read the rest of my comment you’ll specifically see I’ve said that’s why we have ‘fake’ conversations at home to practice with my son so he can improve his conversational skills.

But there was a poster who said she frequently interrupted people when they were talking to talk about herself - clearly she’s recognised that this isn’t good conversationally and would make others feel like they’re not being listened to at all. That’s the kind of thing I was getting at, it’s about actively thinking about conversation, asking others what works then trying to practice that. Not that it’s easy obviously! But I was just giving the question of how would you feel from the other side listening to someone give a 10 minute speech on marine biology.

So I was just giving the other side of this is why it won’t feel like a ‘connection.’

For the majority of these bores there is no diagnosis and they are not talking about marine biology- just me myself and I. Oh and their kids 🙄.

Pet hate of mine too. People are very self absorbed these days, I'm very outgoing and extroverted and always ask people about themselves. I'm sure half the time if I didn't make conversation, no one else would! I also think people haven't been taught manners and are generally not very self aware. I don't let it bother me too much anymore, pity them really.

The key difference is between open and closed questions, not nosy vs self-absorbed. Those are not opposites. In fact they often go hand in hand.

A nosy, rapid-fire '20 questions' type is usually just collecting data for their own purposes, they're not actually interested in the other person, how that person feels or what interests them. They're not interested in getting to know them at all, they're just finding out facts about them.

A person who is interested in other people and in forming a relationship with them, asks open questions, listens actively to the answers and conversation flows naturally from there.

That includes adding in relevant information about themselves unprompted but again, in a natural, relevant, flowing way, not in a 'listing 20 things about me' way, or seeking to match every fact or anecdote with a similar one about themselves.

I'd liken it to table manners. A rude person just grabs what they want, or says 'pass me this (now)'. A polite person asks nicely for things to be passed, waits until a suitable moment and offers things back to others. A really well-attuned person who is interested in other people, notices when other people might need something and offers it before they have to ask.

Well said lottiegarbanzo

I have a 'friend' who is well known for this, never asks about anyone else, or if she does, doesn't listen. I don't speak to her, no point. She thinks she is very hospitable. She's just rude, no anxiety or awkwardness.

This is one of my bugbears but I agree it can be borne out of anxiety in some instances where people talk too much to compensate for their nervousness. Forgiveable in the young! There are lots of older people though who are simply very self absorbed who only seem to think about themselves. Quite a few people I know talk about their lives as if I know all the people that they are mentioning and their relationship to one another, when I am baffled frankly, and this kind of demonstrates that they don't really care enough to think about how you are receiving the conversation from your side of it. And I have been at many a wedding or school fundraising dinner event where people talk endlessly about their own families and don't ask one single question in return. I have also been in situations where someone has asked me questions out of politeness but it's evident that they are not really listening to the answer. People aren't taught these soft skills anymore and they are so important.

Haha this happened to me over the weekend at a kids party. I started chatting to 2 school mums and asking questions and they didn't ask me anything about me at all. I tried to mention information about me and they literally didn't respond and went back to talking about themselves? It was so weird.

If you’re a person that jabbers on about yourself when I meet you I appreciate you!
I hate talking about myself. I get a mind blank when people ask me what I’ve been up to and I feel self conscious talking about my own life.
There are extremes, like someone I have known for about 10 years and talk to practically on a daily basis, who has literally never even asked me how I am or whether I’ve had a good weekend. But generally if I come away from a conversation and don’t feel like I’ve been questioned too much it’s usually been a very satisfying conversation for me!

Maybe it's the listening more than the asking that's important? I don't mind so much if people don't ask me questions because comfort levels about 'appearing to be nosy' differ. And if people seem uncomfortable being asked questions, I'll try and avoid putting them on the spot (as they may feel it) in that way. But not feeling listened to, like whatever I say doesn't matter, is what makes me back off people.

I am one of those people. I don't actually care to know about your family doings. If there was something you wanted me to know you would tell me.

In the same vein I won't tell you about my family doings unless there is something specific I want you to know about.

I will happily listen to you telling me anything you want to. And I will ask question if anything obvious presents itself. I will offer practical support, if needed, and I will mean it. But mainly I am not nosy and will assume that what you tell me is what you want me to know and anything else is stuff you aren't happy to chat about.

I am not self absorbed, but disinterested would be a good word to describe my levels of curiosity into your private life.

I hate all the over sharing on social media. Makes my toes curl!

A conversation is about listening as well as talking.

You listen, you comment, they listen , they comment. Questions naturally flow. It goes back and forth. We all know when we have a good conversation with someone. And questions are involved.

We all know those people who think a conversation is a string of monologues around a subject. Or facts about themselves. It's boring and exhausting.

I am related to a few people who think that. For them a conversation is just about talking.

Since I still have to keep seeing the monologuers I know, through familial duty, I tend to just zone out. I speak about myself even less. I'm not going to interrupt with info about myself, as they wouldn't bother to listen anyway. Just another jumping off point for them.

One monologuer I know, if she's not talking, scans the group till she can make eye contact, locks you in vision and leaps right in talking over everyone else at the same time. " oh sunglasses, it's like this you see, blah blah ..." It's a definite modus operandi.

So boring.

I will happily listen to you telling me anything you want to. And I will ask question if anything obvious presents itself. I will offer practical support, if needed, and I will mean it. But mainly I am not nosy and will assume that what you tell me is what you want me to know and anything else is stuff you aren't happy to chat about.

I think the above makes you NOT one of those monologue types who don't ask questions tbh.

To be fair, I think I overstated my willingness to ask questions. It's rare!

Maybe I only know people who are monologuers and only need a nodding audience

But I see what you mean. I don't ask, nor do I hold court about me, me, me, me...

@Kanaloa

Yes, my mum used to practice conversations with me too. 'What are you going to say when they open the door? Make it sound warm'

A good way to tell whether someone is actually really self absorbed is what do they actually do for you? Actions speak louder than words. I have autistic friends who might not seem interested in how they communicate. But they will do kind, thoughtful things which show they are interested in you.

I have noticed that the narcissistic types will tell you stories about themselves and refer to themselves in the first person.

'He said, Henry you are the best doctor who has ever worked in this department etc...

Sorry I meant refer to themselves in the third person.

@Itsnotover

Don’t suppose you ever watched The OC? There is a scene where Seth (who is more than a bit self absorbed) is talking about himself third person, saying which shirt should Seth wear, does Seth look good etc. Ryan asks him why and he says I don’t want to sound like I’m talking about myself all the time 😂

That’s what that made me think of. Perhaps that’s why they talk third person too!

God, yes.

I moved my horse to a different livery yard a year ago. I'm not joking when I say that the other liveries are all the most self-absorbed people I've ever met with zero social skills, with the exception of 2.

I've been there a year now and the 2 ladies whose horses are either side of mine I see regularly. I'm not joking when I say that I know everything about them (but only because I've asked in an attempt to make some conversation) and they literally no nothing about me. Nothing, zilch. They don't know where I live, what I do for a living, what other yard I came from, they don't ask if I've had a good ride. I came back from competing the other day, the barn was full when I unloaded my horse and put him back in his stable, no one said 'how did you get on?' etc like I normally would and like people would on other yards I've been on.

The people at this yard (bar 2, who definitely have better social skills) just either witter on incessantly about themselves and the most mundane, boring details of their horses. Or, they just don't speak full stop unless I actively make an effort to engage with them and it's like pulling teeth.

I've had enough now and just don't bother anymore but I really want to move as I love the social aspect of horses and have always made good friends on evert yard I've been on. It's lonely.

I have definitely encountered it from other people too, SIL, I'm looking at you!

Ultimately, if you don't take an interest in other people and ask them Q's about their life then you'll never get to know them properly. Also, there's only so much conversation you can make without asking Q's IMO. I don't watch that much TV so sticking to purely TV/ Films etc would be hard for me. Talking about the weather is dull and pointless. I think I do find it hard to make properly light hearted chit chat, I just find it all so unnecessary and forced/ dull.

It can be nice to talk to someone who's open and chatty about themselves

But then there's the ones who go on rambling tales. Even when you're visibly disinterested, not getting a word in- they still go on. People like that may be loud and talkative but they they have terrible conversational skills, much less than a more reserved introvert. Just unbearable to be around

Some people are only interested in themselves. With some others, it’s a lack of social skills.

At a pre Christmas drinks party where I knew nobody but the hosts, I once did my best to make polite small talk with a couple who were presumably friends of the hosts.
It went much like this:

Me ‘(smile glued on) Are you going away for Christmas?’
Them: No.
Me: Have you finished your Christmas shopping?
Them: Yes.
Etc.
It was a bloody nightmare! Evidently nobody had ever told them that you’re supposed to throw the ball back, so to speak.
As I said, social skills.

I know someone who only ever asks questions about television. "Have you been watching the tennis?" "Have you been watching x serial?" I nearly always haven't (I don't watch much television, not because I disapprove of it, there are just other activities I like more) and I'm sure he thinks I'm unfriendly because I have to answer "no, I'm afraid not" nearly every time. We know each other through a sport, and I've started asking him a lot about his experiences of the sport, just to get him off the subject of television, because I feel so inadequate when I can't give an interesting answer.