People who don’t ask you anything about yourself

[Zippyzoppy]

On the back of the nosy thread I’ve been reading, I wanted to ask you all how you feel about people don’t ask anything about you.

On several occasions over the years I’ve met/chatted to friends of friends at parties/gatherings etc. I often come away feeling that people (in particular men - sorry!) have told me lots about themselves, but not asked at all about me much at all. This makes me feel that they aren’t interested in me as a person or are self absorbed. But now reading the nosy thread, maybe they are just being diplomatic?

So AIBU to think they are self absorbed and disinterested?

*Rude to ask questions, obviously.

I was just thinking the other day that perhaps I am like this .
I do tend to take over the conversation and witter on, all about me and my opinion on everything under the sun.
But it's because I am cripplingly shy. Always have been. But my job meant I had to socialise a lot, and this was my way of coping. I'm afraid of awkward silences falling so I natter away to prevent it.
See? All about me

I had a boss that told me everything about herself, her family, her children in minute detail. I don't think she even knew if I had any children at all. She was a terrible boss in other ways too. Very self obsessed.

The funny thing was she went on to be the manager of a care home. I wonder how that went.

It doesn't have to personal questions though?

What are you up to at the weekend?
Are you taking the boys trick or treating this year?
Did you see New TV Show?
God, children really love finger painting, don't they?

DB's partner is like this. Never ever asks about anyone, turns the conversation back to themself within a matter of seconds. Totally self absorbed and boring because of it.

Urrgh..those typical social chat questions.

What are you up to at the weekend? The answer is usually Nothing much. Same old - just relaxing at home. [Now because I have to ask, not that I care, and it's painful to ask a question I don't genuinely care about...] You?

Are you taking the boys trick or treating this year? No. [Arrgh...] You?

Did you see New TV Show? Depends on the show, this could be something to talk about or another No. [Again, I guess I should ask...] What's it about?

God, children really love finger painting, don't they? Yes, they do.

Just empty questions really but one could add to it by talking about themselves or asking you questions that will get you talking about yourself.

I used to ask questions and be engaging, then an ex who wasn’t very nice got really cross when I asked him how his eye appointment went and got “Why are you so nebby? You need to learn to stop prying into people’s business” and it really put me off asking anything from anyone

OMG I hate this.

Poor conversation skills, yes, but people I've known for years and I wouldn't class as friends because they show absolutely NO INTEREST. We can talk about politics, sport, kids, etc but they literally show no interest in me or how I'm doing. They will never be friends, just acquaintances.

It's beyond conversation, it's a selfishness and lack of curiosity.

I have realised that my DH is like this . I've managed to get him out of the monologue mind set but he still seems surprisingly uncurious. I'm going to interrogate him now.

Instead, I'd much rather you started telling me something you've planned for the weekend or Halloween, etc. I may or may not have more questions and I may or may not add anything to it if I have something to add. I do enjoy exchanging conversations that way but my interests aren't as varied as they used to be so I'll probably not have much to add to a lot of conversations (bar the ones I'm interested in) but I'll listen.

The whole, often disingenuous, song and dance of empty open-ended social questions, arrrgh.

I am the opposite - I am very private and so give very little of myself away and constantly turn the conversation around to ask them questions. Subsequently people have commented they don't feel they really know me (not my nearest and dearest - I have an open book policy with them).

It’s unforgivable in an adult. We used to have paying guests one woman from Germany in her 60s retired teacher good English. She stayed for two weeks. To make conversation I would ask polite unobtrusive questions which she would answer at great length. Not once during her whole stay did she ask a single question of us.

Don’t get the “I’m private” or “it’s rude to ask questions” makes no sense. Not like you are being asked what contraception you use just how are you or dude you enjoy the thing you went to recently. It’s not hard (you would think).

Life is definitely too short to spend much time with people like this. I’m a lot less tolerant now, and I’ve pretty well stopped seeing someone like this. It was incessant, no interest in me at all.

I think she now has very few friends, no surprise really.

I met an old friend recently who asked loads and loads of questions, which I didn't mind, but I felt like I just talked and talked and never really got a chance to ask her anything, so I guess it depends on the context of the person jabbering away

@hamstersarse

I don't care if people don't ask about me.

I don't think it is necessarily a bad character trait, just more a reflection that they have ishoos of whatever form - which is no negative judgment as such, just makes the interaction an interesting series of observations. Let's face it, no-one is like this unless they have ishoos, and it's sort of interesting to observe them (for me anyway)

I don't need people to ask me how I am, I generally know.

Exactly this! I have coworkers who still know very little about me after 8 years, and I like it that way. Not that I’m secretive, but it a that my personal life stays just that.1

I’m from a different country, although grew up up in the UK too, and still have to bite back some questions in the UK. I’ve learnt that even commenting on how nice someone’s lunch looks can be misconstrued.

It’s a minefield, so I can see why some people feel it’s easier to just not ask.

That said, ask me questions and I will answer honestly and in depth if the occasion warrants it.

A member of my family does this. Talks for literally hours about himself. Every aspect of everything to do with his problems. Literally not a single question or interest about me or anyone else. And if you do happen to mention something about yourself he isn’t listening and quickly just reverts it back to him.
He’s single and nearly 50. No surprises there

My in-laws know hardly anything about me and never ask, 20+ years and they've always described me as shy...I'm not shy at all, it's just they've never really bothered to get to know me.

I agree with you all!! I thought it must be that I was mega boring but a very good listener until I jumped on this thread!! My OH is horrendous for it but I'm cutting him some slack (for now) as he had a mental breakdown over the summer and I suspect the total self absorption is part of his recovery but sometimes it really hurts when we spend time together and he never asks how or what I'm doing. I know he's going through shit but I'm sure if he considered or thought about someone else for a nanosecond he would find his own life much less stressful!

@BeQuietBrenda

Oh lord. I have ADHD and one of the common traits is wittering on about myself and then while the other person talks I'll think "oh, yes, I've done that" and want to give my anecdote but they're still talking and all my brain is doing is running an internal monologue of "tell them, tell them now, interrupt, tell them, TELL THEM YOUR COOL AND RELATABLE STORY NOW!" at which point I miss half of what they're saying and then just dive in with my anecdote.

I will then spend the next hour, after I've left said person, cringing at my crap conversation skills and berating myself for being a rubbish human/friend/colleague for not seeming engaged or asking questions back.

Obviously not everyone in these situations has a neurological disorder, but for those of us that do what may seem like a simple and straightforward chat to a neurotypical person is actually an exhausting encounter fraught with pitfalls and embarrassment to those of us who struggle with social situations.

Ugh, this is so relatable! I have ADHD too.

Not only do I talk at length about myself and interrupt people to talk about my own life, I zone out when someone else is talking. No matter how hard I try to focus, I will zone out and start thinking about random shite in my head so I don't hear a word they've said. Or else I sit there and think "pay attention, it's so important that you pay attention to this, don't zone out" and I miss everything they've said anyway.

Add in the fact that I'm autistic and I have to actively remember to ask people reciprocal questions, I'm a shit conversationalist.

I actually know a few people like this and it is fascinating, but also exhausting and it ends up making me feel as though they don't value me.
I went on the hen do of an old friend recently and although I knew what she was like, a whole weekend of it was exhausting and I came home annoyed and upset. As soon as I open my mouth to say something she will talk over me, or talk louder than me till I stop. She was very shy growing up so perhaps that is something to do with her behaviour, but it doesn't take away from how rude it is - she doesn't know what I do for work or any of the details of my life.
My brother is exactly the same and will continue talking even when family members have checked out.. you'll see his eye dart round the room to fix in on anyone polite enough to continue entertaining it

I'm so pleased to see this thread as it's perplexed me for some time now but not least during my online dating adventures (3 years of, now paused) where sooo very very very many dates (first and second) saw blokes talking at me and never asking a single question. Rude and invalidating I thought. I identify as having an interesting story-so-far and feel everyone's story is unique and interesting but not these blokes.

In the office I'd hear or witness 'conversations' between colleagues 'sharing' info with each other but they weren't actually they were jawing on about what they and their families were doing and not listening, not questioning. Weird.

Like a PP my parents also don't ask after me or the kids. My mum recently confessed she had no idea what I did and exclaimed surprise that I'd been promoted into a senior role in IT (as in 'You?!?') pointed out id been in IT since 1995. Ffs.

My mother has excellent social skills and made a point of teaching us. As a young teen I 🙄 at her but she was dead right. We used to walk away from conversations and she would say - did you notice x talked about nothing but herself didn’t ask one question that is not how to hold a conversation always think of the other person etc. My mother is extremely popular they had to hire a hall when she retired and even that wasn’t big enough for her fan base!

I know I'm very bad at this. I hate to appear nosy. I am genuinely very interested if you have things you want to tell me, but I feel very uncomfortable asking anything more than very superficial questions.