To go easier or tougher on 17 year old daughter?

[allmaskedout]

We are not in UK. Final State exams mid 2023. She has dyslexia. Zero interest, average intelligence and trying
To get out of going to school And supervised study as much as possible.
I am at the end of my tether with her .
The only thing that makes her happy is he weekend job in a bar . She loves it, is good at it and loves earning her own money.
Our relationship is suffering because I am
Distraught to watch her throw her dreams
Away.
She wanted to be a nurse but hasn't a hope of getting on that course now as she won't do well
Academically based on her current level of work . Her friends are high achievers but she doesn't give a toss.
She won't be hanging around home after she finishes second level education as I
Am a single parent and will have to focus on my
Other children's education .
My daughter would quite happily stay in bed all day long and do nothing
To help me whatsoever. She is lazy and selfish aswell as being warm and kind too
I've put so much time money and effort into her education and feel so disappointed. It feels
Frustrating watching her throw her ability away. She has plenty of ability but uses her dyslexia to do the least amount of work possible .
Advise me please. I've all but given
Up on her, educationally.thanks

Remember that school isn't a one time only deal - you can go back and do night classes or whatever if you realise later you need a qualification you don't have. Plenty of people fail to apply themselves at school but still make good later in life.

I'd be working on your relationship to start with as it doesn't sound like you like her very much.

What does she want to do with her life?

Wow
There is so much more to parenting than them doing well in school
So. Much. More

I love her of course but I don't
her behaviour sometimes. She is very selfish and rude at times as I said but then is so kind and lovely at others.
I'm gutted for her. It's frustrating
When you can see down the road not your child can't

I know
That @DietCokeChipsAndMayo ! I dont need to be told the obvious! This is one part of her life and our relationship that needs support.
What would you do?

Once she's 17 I think you have to start letting go, OP. You can't force her to study. All you can do is to keep pointing out that she needs to work harder if she wants to get a job as a nurse.

I can understand your frustration and disappointment though.

She has no idea what she wants to do. She did want to bea nurse but won't get onto that course.
She doesn't know or care according
To her own words

There are good careers to be made in hospitality. It might suit her.
And she can always change things later.

Would you allow her to Continue her weekend work?

She doesn't sound lazy. She loves working in a bar and earning money. It sounds like she struggles with an academic path so avoids it. It sounds like she'd be happier working and earning money sooner rather than later. Is there a college that offers more vocational less academic training for work?

@allmaskedout it doesn’t sound like it’s just a problem in your relationship with her though as you go on to say you can’t support her later as you have to focus on your other children’s education; not life, care, upbringing anything else, but only their education
Sounds like a lot of pressure to do well at school in your house
I think you would do well to back off, and help her (and your other children) explore other interests and avenues, not everyone is academic, doesn’t mean they aren’t smart or can’t do well
School and good grades are not the be all and end all

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo ... I meant financially as far as education is
Concerned.

Where I live at 16 you can either do academic A levels at 16 or move to a college to study vocational qualifications. Is there anything like that?

She's working and enjoying it. Maybe it was her dream to become a nurse, but she's not currently ready to put the effort into her education. I think perhaps her dyslexia is knocking her confidence in her academic ability more than you might realise. It probably slows her down more than her peers, makes it harder to concentrate and more difficult to enjoy doing it. Ease off the academic side of things, and focus on what she is enjoying. She likes her job. That's great! She's selfish and rude, is this because she is overwhelmed with pressure? You say she would sit in bed all day, but she also actively chooses to go out and work when she is in school all week too.

I think, go easier on her schooling and academics, but be firm with boundaries surrounding how she treats you. If she enjoys her weekend job and finds respite from the pressure then she should definitely stay, it's a great way for her to understand and meet new people.

Saying she doesn't know or care sounds like a defence mechanism to me. She's feeling the pressure, and if her peers find it all easier than she does it will be making her feel worse.

Would you allow her to Continue her weekend work?

Why on earth not?

Yes allow her to continue her bar work. It could just be her self confidence, if know one is expecting much she can't disappoint. Love her and encourage her to be happy and if she has to let her studies slip for a few months its not the end of the world. I'd also expect her to pull her weight at home as its not a hotel. If she's adamant to grow up then let her but let her do her washing, cleaning, shopping and she'll soon learn how easy it was being a child. Good luck and remember theirs no rule book for parenting, what works for one person/family won't for the next.

In your position. I would sit with her, figure out what full time bar work would end up looking like.
This is what you would make £xxxx
Deductions £xxxx
What you take home £xxxx
Now DD, do you intend on living with me forever? If not, let's look at what rent/mortgage costs would be. £xxxx is a bug chunk of money gone.
I assume you'll want a car? Driving lessons cost £xxx car insurance costs £xxx fuel costs£xxxx repairs £xxxx

Food costs £xxxxx
Bills £xxxx
Sweetie, that's just the essentials, what about the additional costs that you'll want? Clothes? Clubbing? Holidays?

Wouldn't it be best to enjoy the bar work for what it is but figure out something that will give you the opportunity for a decent standard of living as you mature?

So you can have nice things, have some stability?

She has always been. 'C' student . She is currently a 'D' student. She has pleNty of
Ability but can't be arsed. Every school
Report since the age of 8 has said the same.
My thoughts are that if she is a c student , a c is perfectly acceptable fl
For her but not a flurry of d grades.she's opted out sadly .

Does she need to be in education now? Could she try an apprenticeship or just start working now? Her friends being high achievers may actually be knocking her confidence and making her feel very dishearted about what she is actually able to achieve. I'd be inclined to ease off and help her look at alternatives

If she enjoys her work in a bar, why does she not consider a career in hospitality. She can train on the job and progress that way.

Does she need to be in school she’s already 17 and her exams aren’t until 2023 so 19? Can she leave and work. She may be better suited to a practical course or apprenticeship. It’s hard to advise if you are abroad. I’d get her to see a career advisor and go from there. If she’s enjoying bar work there’s lots of careers that may suit that won’t need formal qualifications.

Great ideas.
I've suggested apprenticeships and hospitality but she believes that they are ' badly' paid.
I thought that perhaps hairdressing/ nail
Tech/ MUA would suit her as she loves these areas but said she couldn't live on what she would earn from
Those jobs.

@allmaskedout

She has always been. 'C' student . She is currently a 'D' student. She has pleNty of Ability but can't be arsed. Every school Report since the age of 8 has said the same. My thoughts are that if she is a c student , a c is perfectly acceptable fl For her but not a flurry of d grades.she's opted out sadly .

Can't be arsed or is finding is more difficult as the work gets harder? Her work will be being marked more stringently and any spelling and grammar errors will not be overlooked anymore. She will be finding it hard to read as quickly as her peers as well, I imagine it takes her twice as long to read stuff in class, so she will be getting gaps in her knowledge that she has to make up for.

I wonder whether nursing is suitable for her if she's dyslexic - how bad is her dyslexia? It would be awful to make a mistake with medications.

She seems to be sociable and hardworking when she's doing something she enjoys. When she's being forced to do something she struggles with, then she's unhappy and takes it out on you.

What attracted her to nursing? Was it the fact she could be sociable, friendly, working with the public? The fact she can be sociable is really great - so many young people don't have that ability.

Does she want to leave school at the moment or can she see the advantages of those exam results?

What about talking to her about starting work in an area where she could employ those useful skills? What about an apprenticeship? Do those exist where you are? If she's doing something she enjoys you might find that she is able to work her way up the career ladder and end up with a good job.

You can’t force her. She will realise the ‘mistake’ at some point in her life. Be grateful she has a work ethic and has realised she likes earning money.
She can always go back to education if she wants to.

You can’t force her. She will realise the ‘mistake’ at some point in her life. Be grateful she has a work ethic and has realised she likes earning money.
She can always go back to education if she wants to.