To go easier or tougher on 17 year old daughter?

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We are not in UK. Final State exams mid 2023. She has dyslexia. Zero interest, average intelligence and trying
To get out of going to school And supervised study as much as possible.
I am at the end of my tether with her .
The only thing that makes her happy is he weekend job in a bar . She loves it, is good at it and loves earning her own money.
Our relationship is suffering because I am
Distraught to watch her throw her dreams
Away.
She wanted to be a nurse but hasn't a hope of getting on that course now as she won't do well
Academically based on her current level of work . Her friends are high achievers but she doesn't give a toss.
She won't be hanging around home after she finishes second level education as I
Am a single parent and will have to focus on my
Other children's education .
My daughter would quite happily stay in bed all day long and do nothing
To help me whatsoever. She is lazy and selfish aswell as being warm and kind too
I've put so much time money and effort into her education and feel so disappointed. It feels
Frustrating watching her throw her ability away. She has plenty of ability but uses her dyslexia to do the least amount of work possible .
Advise me please. I've all but given
Up on her, educationally.thanks

Just a note that in the UK we have apprenticeships for things like IT which is well paid once you get past the first couple years. As well as childcare/ business administration/ adult care. Perhaps something like adult social care would work perfectly for her? It's pretty similar to nursing and might provide a way in. Particularly if she is friendly, sociable and kind I can imagine she would make an amazing carer.

She has never been interested in school and uses her dyslexia as an excuse to do the minimum since she went to second
Level. She likes to stay on bed, watch tv, go on her phone and generally schlep about. Zero interest or
Motivation to
Do Anything but doesn't
Suffer from Confidence issues or low
Mood. Just bone lazy and sometimes it's important to say things as they are.
I know her well enough to say that. My other child with dyslexia will
Take on any recommendation given by her teachers and tutors to work around it but
Wouldnt have the same
Ability as her older sister .
It's a personality thing.

Thanks for giving me an alternative angle.
Lots of great ideas

Let her get on with it. She can do nursing in the future. You can't force her to study now. She has a job which she loves. Let her be and she will work it out for herself. The more you push the more she will pull. Just because she's not willing to put the effort In now doesn't mean she won't knuckle down in a few years time.

Some kids just want to earn money and get a job.
You can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Youve facilitated her getting her education,. Youve supported and encouraged her. Im not sure what else you can do. Id go easier. Can she tell you how she sees her career progression going from the bar work, and what are her plans?

I would (and did) take the most enormous step back. I know how hard that is. Really tough because you don't want her to make a mistake. I really think that she has to make her own mistakes. She will learn. She will find that working in a bar isn't necessarily going to get her what she wants. But let her do that.

My DH did similar in his late teens, he dropped out of uni to work in bars, he loved earning his own money and found studies boring and restrictive.

Let her map out her own life, sit down and discuss what she wants to do what her plans are, and let her know what you can help with and your limits.

If it helps, DH has worked his way up to a pretty senior position and is very well liked and respected.

He worked in bars, managed bars and did double glazing sales at one point amongst a long and interesting career. He's none of these anymore.

Your DD can go into nursing at a later time, my close friend qualified as a midwife in her mid thirties.

Let her keep her job and make her own way, sounds like she is not academically minded at the moment and no amount or pushing, encouraging, cajoling, nagging etc works. I know because I have tried. It is normal for you to feel the way you do, I did and it can be hard BUT I did learn that there was a lot more to life than exams, a lot more options than I would have thought and that sometimes, even when you think you know better, you don't always. Kids can prove you wrong. Sometimes they are so lazy they wouldn't scratch themselves at home but excel and make great strides in their own chosen job.
You mention she is kind, warm and sociable. She is halfway there already.

Does she so any signs of ADHD OP? I have a half-arsed dyslexic dc who is now being tested for this. Won't take on any suggestions to do with his dyslexia.
It's great if she does well in her weekend job and would suggest that something in that line would be better for her than nursing

My mother pushed me really hard at school, I did really well all the way until my A Levels when the more she pushed, the less I tried.

I did an apprenticeship, used that to get into uni and work in a well paid, professional job. It took me a few more years but I got there on my own steam.

Has she ever had any help with her dyslexia?

You say she uses it as an excuse, but if reading is difficult, that surely impacts everything?

I’d say there’s a good chance that her confidence is taking a beating, both with bad results and a mother who clearly thinks she’s useless. The motivation to try has been knocked out of her because it feels overwhelming.

She has had every resource publically and privately To support her dyslexia .
You are all right. She will
Make her own way. It is just incredibly
Frustrating.

@Derbee she never had any motivation to begin with so you're wrong there. As for me thinking she is useless ... I don't. I think she is wasting her potential and using her dyslexia as an excuse to do sfa.she doesn't even try. These are the facts .

I have a very clever son who I want to do well when he does his leaving cert (ireland)

But he hates school, he spends more time trying to get out of going than he does going. Possible ADHD, school is a big trigger, awaiting cahms.

But my policy is, you leave school once exams are finished and its up to you what you do, you go into further education or a job. No laying about the house. As long as your daughter is happy healthy and is working then I would back off, life is too short to be fighting all the time.

What do you mean by getting tough with her? You cannot force study; you cannot prevent her working where she likes. I suppose you could throw her out if her choices disappoint you deeply.
Dyslexic children often feel they don't fit in anywhere. Your daughter has found a place where she is at ease. There are courses in business management, hotel managent etc when she is a little older. Support her.

I'm Of the same opinion regarding job or study @SnipSnipMrBurgess.
No laying about. This is my concern too.

She's 17. No one has wasted their life or not met their potential based on what they do or don't do aged 17. So she fails or gets Ds next year. So what? That's on her. She will presumably be able to carry on doing her fun job with increased hours - and why not. If you can't have a fun crappy job in your teens when can you.

At some point in the next few years she will grow up, realise that 25 hours a week in a bar, living in a shitty houseshare with mould in the bathroom, just isn't what she wants for the rest of her life. Then she can figure it out with the benefits of hindsight and maturity. At that point she'll totally regret not pulling her finger out now, but at least she'll have some motivation to do something about it. Right now she won't have any motivation at all.

Remember you can lead a horse to water and all that. And horses generally drink when they absolutely have to.

How long of school has she left? She should work full time job then.

Is there a care type job she could go into and then progress to a nursing course.? Here in the UK you can join NHS as care assistant and become nursing associate and then nurse if you are motivated. In most care services they will offer level 3 qualifications and you can use these plus maybe an access course to get Maths and English up to scratch to go on to a nursing degree. If she took that route she would have the satisfaction of working and earning and still be able to train longer term.

Does her school offer much in the way of college/career counselling? My DD is in the same school year and she's meeting with a counsellor in a couple of weeks (DD is setting up the meeting but I quietly reached out to the counsellor first and asked if she'd be available soon as DD's been getting in a state about her future plans).

I think it's much easier when they can discuss their options with an outsider who works in the field and really knows what's available to them - and what they need to do to get on a particular career path.
We parents can only provide limited guidance.

My DD is the opposite, getting stressed about achieving the right grades, but they all need to know more about what's available to them and then they can move forward, IYSWIM.

An honest question, based on your writing, are you dyslexic too op? If so you might have an understanding what it is like. She is probably tired of school, has now found that it’s nice to make her own money. She can go back to school later, though it will probably be even more difficult for her but not impossible.

When I was 16 I wanted to leave school after gcse’s and go to college to be a nursery nurse.
My parents said no and I ended up leaving at 17 to work in a bank.
I hated it.
By the time I left the bank I was married and couldn’t afford to go to college so I went to do nursing which was paid at the time.
It was a huge mistake and I also slipped my discs.
I’m retired now, had back problems all my life and never did the job I wanted.
If I could go back in time I would still be a nursery nurse.

Children often have a better idea of their abilities than their parents do.
Trust her to choose.
Be supportive.
I really wish my parents had listened to me.

I’m thinking it won’t be as fun working in a bar once you need to pay for your own house and food. But then again, maybe she will.

Why are you writing like that?