To go easier or tougher on 17 year old daughter?

[allmaskedout]

We are not in UK. Final State exams mid 2023. She has dyslexia. Zero interest, average intelligence and trying
To get out of going to school And supervised study as much as possible.
I am at the end of my tether with her .
The only thing that makes her happy is he weekend job in a bar . She loves it, is good at it and loves earning her own money.
Our relationship is suffering because I am
Distraught to watch her throw her dreams
Away.
She wanted to be a nurse but hasn't a hope of getting on that course now as she won't do well
Academically based on her current level of work . Her friends are high achievers but she doesn't give a toss.
She won't be hanging around home after she finishes second level education as I
Am a single parent and will have to focus on my
Other children's education .
My daughter would quite happily stay in bed all day long and do nothing
To help me whatsoever. She is lazy and selfish aswell as being warm and kind too
I've put so much time money and effort into her education and feel so disappointed. It feels
Frustrating watching her throw her ability away. She has plenty of ability but uses her dyslexia to do the least amount of work possible .
Advise me please. I've all but given
Up on her, educationally.thanks

Another voice recommending the nurse associate course. I’ve got a student nurse associate at the moment, she is fantastic! Not an academic person but she will be a fantastic nurse associate.

@Auroreforet Exactly, that's why I'm suggesting her DD speaks to a career counsellor. We parents aren't experts on what our children can/should do career-wise.

Are you sure there is no other special needs going on. Dyslexia often goes hand in hand with ASD / ADHD. Lots of our comments ring true to my DS who has recently been diagnosed with both. He really struggles to keep up at school, he wants to do well but is physically unable to keep on track.

In your position I would be having a chat with her and pointing out that whatever grades she gets are the ones she will have to go forward with for the next phase of her life. The important thing is that she does her best - if her best is a C then that's great. What's not great is getting a C and forever thinking "If only I'd worked harder I could have got a B" (or whatever). I'd tell her she's got a short window now (in terms of the rest of her life) to throw everything at it - after that school is finished. Lots of people look back and wish they'd worked harder at school. At that age you literally have nothing else to worry about. You can go back and do it later, but it's usually harder, not easier. That's what I told both my kids. I think working a bar (or indeed having any kind of part time job is great). But I'd stress that what feels like good money when you are 17 does not go far when you need to support yourself on it. You can't live on the wages of part time bar work. You can say all of this kindly - don't get frustrated she's 17! You need to be on her side and she needs to feel this, but in the end you can't do it for her. It's up to her.

Op what if you let go of the academic thoughts and encouraged her to work hard at bar work? No reason she couldn't be a good bar manager etc - you could tell here there is no sitting around doing nothing but remove the pressure to be a 'high achiever'

I can only speak of my experience, DS is now 18 and a half, severely dyslexic also.

Please don’t put pressure on your DD, as it won’t make any difference.

We spent money on private tutors etc, made no difference in the slightest, as DS could not retain the information/formulas etc.

DS was convinced he wouldn’t pass any exams, in actual fact he did pass his Eng. Lit GCSE. He has the most amazing work ethic, dyslexic students, are not lazy.

DS now works in a highly specialised area of tech that really interests him, he is doing brilliantly, so based on my experience I really wouldn’t worry.

Your DD will find her way.

Time will tell, With the greatest of respect it sounds like you're projecting your educational wishes on your daughter. If she doesn't have those desires she doesn't have them.
I left school at 15, only in my late thirties did I get a calling for what I wanted to do in life and I went to Uni then. She may get inspired in 10 or 20 years. This isn't the end for her, just the beginning.

There are some kids who work out the value of qualifications by leaving school without many and having to make their way in the working world.

Tough jobs for shit money may be the thing that puts a bomb under her. I notice you said:

I've suggested apprenticeships and hospitality but she believes that they are ' badly' paid.

I thought that perhaps hairdressing/ nail Tech/ MUA would suit her as she loves these areas but said she couldn't live on what she would earn from Those jobs.

She's right, they're badly paid and it will be difficult to live on what she earns from these jobs, but right now these are the only jobs she is likely to get.

You tell her this until you are blue in the face, but until she's in one and realises there's no way out bar a. more qualifications or b. hard graft up the greasy pole she's not going to engage with reality.

At 17, there's not much you can do if she won't listen and she hasn't figured this stuff out for herself.

It's important that you don't bankroll her once she leaves school, that will simply delay her facing reality.

@334bu

If she enjoys her work in a bar, why does she not consider a career in hospitality. She can train on the job and progress that way.

Exactly. Sounds perfect!

Although the world sees more credentialised with more studying for bachelors for previously secondary school-entry employment and masters degrees for jobs that previously required a first degree, as a PP says, school is not so much a one time entry into higher education if that part of her long-term destination. Also, it takes some people much longer to find their rhythm and grow up, emotionally, adademically and so on.

Although some children need tough love, be careful you don't jeopardise your long-term relationship with your daughter for your aspirations and ambitions for your DD.

Good luck.

OP has suggested hospitality but DD says it's 'badly paid'.

She's right it is but she can work her way up.

Parenting a 17 year old is different from parenting a 3 year old... but having to manage that furious desire for independence does have similarities!

She knows what you think is important and is deciding that she thinks/feels differently. The more you push your view of things - the more entrenched she is likely to be. It is so worrying and so exhausting.

Sadly - you might well know best!
On the other hand, her mistakes are things that she will learn from. Education can be picked up later.

Suggestions:
Be kind to yourself. Play the long game. Try not to feel too responsible for her mistakes.
Avoid being the big-stick-fun-sponge ( :) ) who must be ignored(independence!)

Listen to her. Let her to talk as freely as possible - don't contradict or correct or advise. (Easier written than done!)

Ask interested questions - wait to be asked for advice. (It can be a verrrrrry long wait!)

It sounds as though she is throwing YOUR dream away, not hers! As others have said, there are many routes to success, both academic and practical, and it's not a one-time thing. Go a bit easier on her. Help her to find her own way forward.

@allmaskedout

Would you allow her to Continue her weekend work?

Of course ! She loves it - why would you not allow her to do it ? Personally I'd be suggesting that she should do a certificate in hospitality and she could work in that field in the future. Nothing wrong with hospitality work.

My dd has quite severe dyslexia and poor short term memory she is 18 and has decided that school is not for her so has now started working full time. She hated every minute of school and it was both a constant source of stress for her and for me. She had a private education which meant she received a lot of support and as a result scraped through with a not bad of GCSEs but revision was torture for her because of her dyslexia and the more I pushed the more we argued and the more she felt that I didn't care about how she felt and stopped telling me anything at all.

At various points she told me that she wanted to be a hairdresser, in the navy, be a personal trainer and be a vet. I actually think she never had any intention of being any of these things, it's just what she said to stop me asking! It's very possible your dd had absolutely no intention of being a nurse at all so I would try not to get too fixated on that.

I think you need to take a massive step back and just support her. Some people are academic and some are practical, it's not always the academic ones who end up with the more successful lives.

Where are you based @allmaskedout?

I would forget about the marks and grades.

Nowadays degree apprenticehships are fantastic potentially and if she enjoys working it may well be this is where you might find her 'home'.

She can earn money and do quals

what's not to like?

There will be some in the hospitality industry and sounds like she will have references from her current employer?
that is potentially an amazing start in life.

Studying on it's own is not for everyone.

I don't have kids, but I'm going to tell you about the relationship I have with my parents now I'm 44.

I have spent my entire life feeling like a failure because I never managed to live the life that my dad wanted for me. Your daughter is trying to tell you school isn't for her by her actions (or not for now at least - no doors are closing if she doesn't train for something straight away!).

What you might be telling her is that she's in the wrong for not living the life you have in store for her. This isn't fair.

TBH, I question the value of further education anyway in the job market. Someone who works in a bar is not going to be replaced by a computer in the future. Do you think most accountants could say the same?

Some people are 'late bloomers' and need a bit longer. Maybe it would be best for her to do those sorts of jobs now and go back to education once she's older.
She sounds like she's driven enough in her work life. My H didn't even go back for his GCSE certs, just went straight into work and then in his 40s did a degree. Yes it can be a bit harder if you're doing GCSEs etc while working but it's do-able and rarely will anyone be in the same career all their adult life .
As long as you keep channels of communication open and make it clear to her that it may make things harder later on there isn't much you can do.

I don’t think it’s a case of going easier or harder on her but listening and encouraging her to find what works for her. It seems you have done this but maybe it needs a bit more of a push. She isn’t interested in academics and finds it hard but loves her weekend job (that won’t last - take advantage of it while you can). You’ve suggested an apprenticeship which I think shows you’ve listened to her in that respect but maybe she needs more of a push to really look at options. She thinks they are badly paid - are they? What are the career progression opportunities? Is it likely she will ultimately need to set up her own business? What about other apprenticeships? Have you looked to see what’s available and needed in your area? Work through ideas with her - say hairdressing - she says she won’t be able to live on it - ok how much does she think she needs to live? What will provide that level of income that she is going to attain on her current progression? - if she says nothing she’s interested in then remind her having something is better than nothing, that you will support her decision whatever it is EXCEPT doing nothing.

Typo above - I question the value of further education in the current job market. It is not good to start your career with a huge amount of debt. Especially when you don't really know what you're studying for.

I did an apprenticeship with Starbucks and I got paid the same as the staff there, plus all staff perks. I absolutely loved it and there was the chance to do the level 3 qualification after the level 2 qualification.

I loved it. They're not all badly paid.

DD17 had a wobble this summer about completing A levels. It was so so with pressure of exams and also friendship issues. We pointed out that she’s be losing a lot as half way through them but ultimately it’s her life and her decision. We pointed out that she could work and study later but it might be harder at a later date. We then left her to decide. She eventually decided to go back to school in September. There is no point pushing at that age, they need to want to do it. Good luck.

I think it is very harsh to assume she is definitely using her dyslexia to be lazy. It’s also unfair and unhelpful to compare her with her high achieving class mates who presumably don’t have a similar hurdle to learning to deal with. What additional support was she given for her dyslexia?

Working in a bar and studying sounds like hard enough work. I would only ask her to cut down on hours if you think it is interfering with her studies. She may well need the experience if you are right about her not getting onto the nursing course and presumably she will also need the money if she is being told to leave your house at 16.

@shedofdread hmm..there are actually bars out there (mainly in Japan so far) with robotic bartenders, so who knows! 😬😅