To go easier or tougher on 17 year old daughter?

[allmaskedout]

We are not in UK. Final State exams mid 2023. She has dyslexia. Zero interest, average intelligence and trying
To get out of going to school And supervised study as much as possible.
I am at the end of my tether with her .
The only thing that makes her happy is he weekend job in a bar . She loves it, is good at it and loves earning her own money.
Our relationship is suffering because I am
Distraught to watch her throw her dreams
Away.
She wanted to be a nurse but hasn't a hope of getting on that course now as she won't do well
Academically based on her current level of work . Her friends are high achievers but she doesn't give a toss.
She won't be hanging around home after she finishes second level education as I
Am a single parent and will have to focus on my
Other children's education .
My daughter would quite happily stay in bed all day long and do nothing
To help me whatsoever. She is lazy and selfish aswell as being warm and kind too
I've put so much time money and effort into her education and feel so disappointed. It feels
Frustrating watching her throw her ability away. She has plenty of ability but uses her dyslexia to do the least amount of work possible .
Advise me please. I've all but given
Up on her, educationally.thanks

The worst of this is that she has high hopes of going to University with her friends and I know that she will be gutted when that doesn't happen for her.

I do think you need to prepare her for this in any way you can. Keep pointing out that her current grades won't take her to uni and thats ok, and outline alternatives that might work for her. So that it doesn't come as a complete shock.

I meant a dyslexic tutor. But if that's no good either, you've already tried. One near us specialised in primary but also does GCSE maths. Was only suggesting.

I would get her to leave, work full time and contribute financially.

She can go back to Education when she's ready to commit to that.

My cousin left school at 16 and went straight into work as that's what drove her, working and earning money. She worked her way up and is now doing really well for herself.

There are many different paths to success.

Thank you for all your thoughts. You've really helped me.

Really sorry to say this but you sound really hard to deal with. She's dyslexic, no wonder she shys away from academia. She's not lazy, she has a job she loves and earns money from it. What's wrong with having a career in hospitality? Your dc are never going to share your dreams for them, they're their own person. Try being supportive and you might see her more around the house?

I'm really not hard to deal with at all. I'm a very loving and supportive mother who is watching her daughter literally do nothing despite plenty of ability. I understand her dyslexia but when it's always used as an excuse not to do homework/ wanting
To leave classes every day/ not
Going to study ; it's frustrating.
I've given and organised every opportunity but am just shouted at that she has dyslexia and that's that.
Again, thanks to those who took time to understand the issue at hand and give good honest evaluation of her situation. I appreciate it.

I'm wondering if you've considered how her self-esteem is? She's historically been working twice as hard as her peers to do nowhere near as well as them - in all likelihood she's given up. Trying your hardest and coming last is horrid, not trying and coming last may feel easier to deal with.

If she works hard in her job and enjoys it perhaps that's just what she needs for her self esteem to step away with the competition and being compared to her peers and feeling herself lacking.

I agree now @RandomMess ,thanks.

Nothing wrong with a career in hospitality if that's what she enjoys. Someone I worked in a bar with when at uni continued with it, did training offered, moved up into management and now definitely earns more than me (nurse). More fool me!

I definitely identify with the 'trying hard and coming last Vs not trying and coming last' @RandomMess - that was me to a t as a teenager. I dont have dyslexia but do have add, and really struggled with a-levels because of the next-level organisation skills and focus required. I did go on to get a degree but then did bar work and all sorts for years before doing nursing at 30.

A lot of what some people think is lazyness in people who are neurodiverse can be a mixture of executive dysfunction and demand avoidance. Dyslexia is under the neurodiversity umbrella and all these things can often mean people really underachieve relative to what others think their potential is.
I think if shes working then it may be unfair to write her off as lazy

I definitely identify with the 'trying hard and coming last Vs not trying and coming last'

I can identify with that too. I only tried half heartedly in my last year in school. I was never going to get As I was only ever mediocre in school.

Different way of teaching, relevant subjects, are the things that got me through college and then uni.

She’s not literally doing nothing though, is she. She works hard at her bar job which you say she enjoys. She might be slacking on the academics but sometimes it just takes people a bit of time to get to the point where they’re ready to put in the effort at studying in order to progress career wise. In the meantime if she enjoys earning why not just unclench a bit and let her do that. If you can’t afford to pay her keep once she’s an adult then obviously start charging some rent or something, make it a condition of her staying that she doesn’t just sit round in bed all day but does a minimum number of hours of work a week. Perhaps moving out will be what she’s ready for though? But above all, lift the pressure on the academic side of things. I suspect you’ll find that it will make communication start to flow more easily after she has a bit of space.

I think you need to get her to see that none of these choices are either/or … you need to see this as well.

So show her that she wants to set herself up to have the most choices in her future.

-Her grades now probably don’t mean all that much, but with a little effort now she will leave her options open in the future.

-Getting good grades now doesn’t mean she has to go to University now.

-Show her that the skills she is gaining in her part time job now will give her the foundation for many different careers in her future.

—Show her that you want her to succeed and be happy, but, she’s going to have to define what that is, and if she doesn’t know what that definition is now, that’s ok. But in the meantime she should be opening doors and leaving them open. One of the ways to do that is to get good enough grades to give her future options.

It’s a real change from the regimented…get good grades, get a degree, get a career path that so many people get stuck on. However, by changing both of your perspectives, you all might find a more winding path to achieve similar successes (or different one, and that’s ok!)

I've worked in bars for the last 14 years. Yeah it's a different path in life but is exciting and can pay really well. Only one of my high school friend group works in the field they went to college for, and she's only part time.

There are many, many young people who are left unmotivated in the academic school system, who are not lazy. The academic school system is exceptionally badly designed in many ways - it focuses on test results at the expense of creativity and innovation, doesn't equip young people with the skills they need to succeed in the modern world, and really only suits a particular kind of personality. Something worth thinking about in this situation.

@allmaskedout

I'm really not hard to deal with at all. I'm a very loving and supportive mother who is watching her daughter literally do nothing despite plenty of ability. I understand her dyslexia but when it's always used as an excuse not to do homework/ wanting To leave classes every day/ not Going to study ; it's frustrating. I've given and organised every opportunity but am just shouted at that she has dyslexia and that's that. Again, thanks to those who took time to understand the issue at hand and give good honest evaluation of her situation. I appreciate it.

I'm wondering if she been given that message "oh I'm dyslexic there's no point trying to improve" and internalised it.

I know many posters deny it ever happens but low expectations are insidious and many well meaning people place limits in others often meant in a kind way but still limits.

One of the best ways to counter these ideas is often with examples in as many different ways as possible and time. So in meantime a realistic plan with grades she's likely to get would be best way forward.