To go easier or tougher on 17 year old daughter?

[allmaskedout]

We are not in UK. Final State exams mid 2023. She has dyslexia. Zero interest, average intelligence and trying
To get out of going to school And supervised study as much as possible.
I am at the end of my tether with her .
The only thing that makes her happy is he weekend job in a bar . She loves it, is good at it and loves earning her own money.
Our relationship is suffering because I am
Distraught to watch her throw her dreams
Away.
She wanted to be a nurse but hasn't a hope of getting on that course now as she won't do well
Academically based on her current level of work . Her friends are high achievers but she doesn't give a toss.
She won't be hanging around home after she finishes second level education as I
Am a single parent and will have to focus on my
Other children's education .
My daughter would quite happily stay in bed all day long and do nothing
To help me whatsoever. She is lazy and selfish aswell as being warm and kind too
I've put so much time money and effort into her education and feel so disappointed. It feels
Frustrating watching her throw her ability away. She has plenty of ability but uses her dyslexia to do the least amount of work possible .
Advise me please. I've all but given
Up on her, educationally.thanks

Op can she leave school at the end of this academic year and go to college?

Dyslexic and wasted 2 years of my life in school. All of it was too much, including repeating the same year.

My confidence was shattered but my mum encouraged me to go to college.
College I ace'd it, it was a one year basic course, that made perfect sense, I got the only prize I've ever won on that course!
I then went on to my degree, with a bit of confidence, everything was typed & spell checked, remember the days you typed stuff then ran the spell checker, excluding exams.

She did want to bea nurse but won't get onto that course. She doesn't know or care according To her own words

Do you know what "bravado" is? She probably feels like an utter failure and unable to meet your expectations of her, nor her own wishes for her future, nor her own expectation of herself. Academically speaking she seems to have pretty much given up hope.

Would you allow her to Continue her weekend work?

Of course! It is the one thing she does well and happily. And gives her some independent income so she is less reliant on your limited resources. What's not to like?

And you must learn to value her weekend work, and to show her that you value it, and that you value her for doing it.

Because your DD could be doing a lot worse than she is. You don't want her to collapse into depression and do nothing in her room for however many years. She would be a million times better off going out every day and doing her bar job and earning a little money and operating in the world until she's ready to move on and up.

I hated school and left as soon as I could (16 at the time). I remember my mum telling me I'd miss it as soon as I had left but I loved working or more accurately, having my own money. I ended up studying law in my mid-twenties and it wasn't the first opportunity I had to study again so I wouldn't write your daughter off yet or feel like she's missed her only chance. My course was part-time and funded completely by my employer. I had to study in my free time but it was a small price to pay and as an adult, I was more motivated. If someone had suggested I do the same just a few years earlier I would have laughed but your priorities change.

@Roselilly36

I can only speak of my experience, DS is now 18 and a half, severely dyslexic also.

Please don’t put pressure on your DD, as it won’t make any difference.

We spent money on private tutors etc, made no difference in the slightest, as DS could not retain the information/formulas etc.

DS was convinced he wouldn’t pass any exams, in actual fact he did pass his Eng. Lit GCSE. He has the most amazing work ethic, dyslexic students, are not lazy.

DS now works in a highly specialised area of tech that really interests him, he is doing brilliantly, so based on my experience I really wouldn’t worry.

Your DD will find her way.

This is really reassuring. I do relate Op as my DD is v dyslexic and all you write I can see playing out here. Although I'd hope if Dd does have a legitimate job she enjoys at 17 that I'll be supportive of that. I am learning that I have to trust she will make her own way. Maybe she won't but I have to accept that uncertainty and stop expecting or hoping she will follow a traditional academic path. Hard, as I know she is really very bright but traditional teaching methods and school curriculum just do not work for her. I'd try and be happy that she is out earning money and enjoying that for now. Even without the dyslexia 17 is so young to have a life plan sorted out. Having a job and committing to that is an achievement in itself.

She sounds like me at 17. At 42 I found out I have ADHD. How I wish I had known then. Adhd presents very differently in women - we mostly have the inattentive type making study a challenge. I would look in to it.

She’s dyslexic, she probably finds it so hard. Read books on how to help dyslexic teens, get her a dyslexic tutor if you can. Don’t call her lazy.

When I was a child I wanted to pick up dog poo. Then I wanted to be a translator in Paris after watching Moulin Rouge despite not speaking a lick of French. After that I wanted to be a barrister despite having the attention span of a gnat.

Kids want to 'be' things that they understand. A nurse infers she wanted to help people/work in healthcare or have a very ordinary job and she will.

It's so engrained in our society that kids follow a traditional route. Get excellent GCSE's, go to college for sensible A Levels, go to university for a career and then get a job for the rest of their lives. That's not the real world.

She's seventeen, she has her ENTIRE LIFE to figure out what she wants to do. Right now, honestly? She's seventeen. She's clearly not academic so as long as she doesn't fail it's OK, even if she does it's OK.

Is she a good person? Is she capable of looking after herself? Can she hold down a part time job? Can she be responsible when she needs to be? At this age if that's all she can do that's fine.

I had undiagnosed ADHD throughout school and the pressure made me feel suicidal at times, I just wanted out of education. My Mum became ill during college and I honestly used it as an excuse to barely pass. I finished college and went straight to work and survived on a little over minimum wage, absolutely balling and living my best life as my friends went to uni.

By my early twenties I had a more realistic head on and decided to focus on the future, I went back and retrained and now have a thriving career. I was a few years behind my friends but who cares? I did it my way - she must do it hers.

I find it unfair of you to state you will have to focus on your other children's education and not hers. Would this have been your attitude if she had gone to uni? Education does not always have to happen in a classroom, there is a massive world out there and if she decides to never get another qualification in her life that's OK.

She sounds driven in her part time job, she may open her own business, she may find her calling, she may decide to get a job in admin and work up or start an online platform, maybe do an apprenticeship. Who knows? She's little more than a child, seventeen is too young to expect them to know what they want to do for the rest of her life.

She knows she doesn't want to follow traditional education. Brilliant. One thing off the list, if you remove the pressure you may find she becomes more open to suggestions.

I find it unfair of you to state you will have to focus on your other children's education and not hers.

I think OP's point was that she can't bankroll and nanny her after she finishes school as she's a single parent and has other kids to attend to. She's given her DD attention thus far, and she will have to do the same for the others.

She won't be hanging around home after she finishes second level education as I
Am a single parent and will have to focus on my other children’s education
What do you mean by this ?

@TheAirbender

She sounds like me at 17. At 42 I found out I have ADHD. How I wish I had known then. Adhd presents very differently in women - we mostly have the inattentive type making study a challenge. I would look in to it.

This in spades.

The 'she can do it if she wants to' attitude instantly saddens me. I had that my entire life, I did want to but I couldn't. Physically couldn't.

There's a very real condition nicknamed ADHD Paralysis. ADHD results in an inversion called something called your executive function, you cannot prioritise in a way neurotypical people can and to anyone who doesn't understand it it comes across as lazy.

Your daughter could have been me at 17. Read about ADHD in femal teenagers/Executive Function and education/dyslexia and ADHD and see if it resonates with your daughter's behaviour in general.

ADHD isn't just naughty boys who can't sit still.

@TatianaBis

I find it unfair of you to state you will have to focus on your other children's education and not hers.

I think OP's point was that she can't bankroll and nanny her after she finishes school as she's a single parent and has other kids to attend to. She's given her DD attention thus far, and she will have to do the same for the others.

Of course the younger ones will require more attention however it came across very dismissive of the teenager clearly struggling with her future.

An inability to bank roll her is one thing however she cannot infer she will emotionally check out of her daughter's education/career/wellbeing because she hasn't followed a path the OP agrees to.

Kids don't stop needing parenting once they turn 18. Bloody hell my own Mum has given me more support/advice throughout my life than I could have ever dreamt of and that doesn't stop with age. She needs her guidance now more than ever.

Hello 45 year old dyslexic and teacher here 👋
You are insisting she is lazy, and I am going to challenge that ! ...I would rather be on mumsnet than do my marking
I would rather sleep than study or do work
With respect , you have no idea how hard and soul destroying it can be to go to school as a dyslexic teen EVERY THING takes twice as long and is twice as hard , to only achieve standard results it Is EXHAUSTING ! you literally have no idea unless you have walked in her school shoes and she now loves a job that she is excelling at ,and you want to remove that success and joy from her ?
Love and support her path and all will be well, you are being too anxious and pushy , as a teacher of 25 years you can only guide teens you can never push up hill it never works

Have you considered ADHD, inattentive type? It is often co-morbid with dyslexia, and often missed in girls and young women.

@nitsandwormsdodger
That's one of the most powerful posts I've seen on MN. You've made me cry and I can't explain why. 😢 Maybe more bits of the jigsaw have fallen into place.

@nitsandwormsdodger Thank you for taking the time to write this!

I agree lazy is an unhelpful (and actually lazy) way of thinking about your dd’s attitude. Everything is so exhausting as a dyslexic, that she needs down time. You are busy looking at what she isn’t doing and not giving her credit for what she is doing.

Perhaps a better understanidng of how her dsylexia is adversly affecting her - it's a wide ranging condition - is it a working memory issue, processing reading/spelling focued and ruling out any common co-morbid conditions might be helpful to you both.

Otherwise it's finding our what options she has with a D or lower - are there night schools/course apprenticeships - will there be full time livable off waged jobs she could get. Would a different school/collge help. As I don't know the country I don't know what the options are but there must be some.

I'm dyslexic I did well academically and got on in life - I was late devloped acadmically but was very focused on getting the hell away from where I grew up by mid teens - so I had motivation - maybe she just needs longer to find it and a spell working full time might help her find that motivation.

(It's also possible that a day in educational establishment is more tiring than for her than for her peers - the noise needing to concentrate harder than others and often work harder for poorer results)

I'd focus more on talking to her rather than being harder/softer more try and work with her - maybe outside career advice would be helpful.

An inability to bank roll her is one thing however she cannot infer she will emotionally check out of her daughter's education/career/wellbeing because she hasn't followed a path the OP agrees to.

That's not what OP said - and it's imply not infer.

I disagree with most on the taking a step back at her she. I think you need to be firm. Tough line. Parenting involves doing the right thing even if the child doesn't like it. Say she can only keep her bar job she likes if she puts the effort into school first. Say her attitude is not ok. Ask her if she needs more help dyslexia wise. If yes try abc help. If no, then she's got no excuses and tell her you expect her to knuckle down and do her very best.

Great insightful thread, thanks.
Again, to set the record straight, what I
mean is that I cannot afford to bank
roll my daughter if her plans go to pot. I am supporting each of my children's lives financially and a high percentage of my outgoings is spent on education in its various guises.
I want to give each of my kids every educational opportunity I can afford.
For those commenting on my writing, I got a new phone and am not yet used to typing on it. Sorry for any offence.

I would do everything to get her to pass maths. A tutor, especially a dyslexia tutor which we have here, do they have that near you?

Yes, I have organised extra tuition but unfortunately she doesn't engage.
I think it's time to pull way back and let her find her feet and be here for her Amd support her.
The worst of this is that she has high hopes of going to University with her friends and I know that she will be gutted when that doesn't happen for her.

Solidarity to the many women who discover their ADHD later in life. I have felt so much shame for so long. I’m bright but could not achieve my “potential” at school (whatever that is). I now do a job I love and have peace in understanding myself.

Op, my psychiatrist hates the word lazy. He says “there is no such thing as lazy, there is only anxiety”.

Several posters have mention ADHD as being co-morbid with dyslexia. I really hope you consider this.

@Oblomov21

I would do everything to get her to pass maths. A tutor, especially a dyslexia tutor which we have here, do they have that near you?

How many people actually use the stuff that's taught in the last years of school Maths, calculus and stuff that few people can remember never mind actually use.

I could use all the formulas in isolation but God only knows what one was what come the exam. Why on earth did I think it was essential ? 🤔

@Oblomov21

I would do everything to get her to pass maths. A tutor, especially a dyslexia tutor which we have here, do they have that near you?

Tried it, hired an excellent maths tutor, that helped DS1 to pass his higher paper GCSE Maths, made absolutely no difference with dyslexic DS2, sitting foundation GCSE maths paper, after a few weeks the maths tutor told me I was wasting my money. DS could do the maths whilst sitting with the tutor, by the morning, completely forgotten.