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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is overreacting. It WAS bad sportsmanship and not to apologise

115 replies

dogsvcats · 18/10/2021 13:04

So I have 2 friends, both who have DSs the same age but they play for different rugby clubs about 1 hour apart. Ill call them Anna and Belle for ease. Anna's DS plays for club A and Belle's DS for club B. The 2 clubs played each other at the weekend in a league game.

Anna and I were best friends at school. I am godparent to her DS. However, I now live closer to Belle and it was at Bs ground where the game took place. Anna arranged to meet me mid afternoon as she was down for the game and said it would be nice to call in. She actually ended up ringing me and asking if I could meet earlier as they hadn't stayed at the club as long as she originally planned. No problem.

Team B won, with only a couple of points in it. However apparently in the dying seconds of the game Team B did a penalty which was missed by the ref. They then kicked the ball out of play resulting in the game being over and Team B winning. Team A were furious, and some players appealed to the ref but he apparently told them to shut up. If he had awarded the penalty and they had got the kick in they would have won. Some of the players got a bit heated with the ref until their coach intervened.

Normally both teams would get changed and head into the club house for food, award man of the match and do a polite thanks for having us. Anna obviously expected that to happen initially. Instead Team A were complaining about the ref in the changing rooms, kept going into to Team B and calling them cheaters and have told Team B that they are going to put in an official complaint against the ref. They then got changed and left immediately which is why she was early to meet me.

My DS also plays rugby (although for Team C) and I said I thought that was a bit poor in terms of sportsmanship. We've all been there when a games decisions haven't gone your way but that they should have sucked it up and gone to do the after game nonsense anyway. If they then wanted to complain about the ref that's a separate issue. She got shockingly offended and when I wouldn't take it back actually stormed out the cafe.

I've had a text off Anna this morning which says I've really hurt her feelings by calling the team unsportsmanlike. They are a professional team and value their reputation highly. She'd also hurt I would take Belle's side which is a relatively new friendship over our longstanding one. It is apparently making her reconsider our friendship but would accept my apology ..

Part of me thinks to just apologise to keep the peace but the other part of me thinks they were bloody unsportsmanlike and if having a different opinion to her is enough to make her reconsider the friendship means its not much of a friendship!

So AIBU to say sorry she is upset but not sorry for my opinion.

OP posts:
ArblemarchTFruitbat · 18/10/2021 13:07

It sounds like an over-reaction all round TBH. It was reasonable of you to express an opinion. Team A shouldn't have taken it out on Team B. I agree with saying sorry she's upset, but not retracting your opinion.

lifeturnsonadime · 18/10/2021 13:08

Well it is unsportsmanlike not to accept the referees decision so YADNBU, I'm not sure what your friendship with the parent of a (presumably child) on the other team has to do with it either?

ShowMeTheSugar · 18/10/2021 13:16

How did your friendship with the other parent even figure into this? I'd be saying the same tbh, sorry she feels that way however your opinion remains as stated.

If that's enough to end a friendship there's not much in it is there? Or could anything else be going on that wouldn't explain such an overreaction?

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 18/10/2021 13:19

I thought you were going to say unsportman like behaviour of team B. If they knew they had done something which was a penalty, they should have told the ref.

LolaSmiles · 18/10/2021 13:20

It is unsportsmanlike to get stroppy after a match.

Anna needs to stop thinking adult friendships are orientated around whatever goes on in their children's sporting hobbies. It's quite childish to take a statement about a match as some sort of friendship pick me battle. She sounds hard work.

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2021 13:22

How odd for grown ups to fall out like this over their kids sports.

Really I suggest you all grow up and let the kids deal with it.

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2021 13:23

I've had a text off Anna this morning which says I've really hurt her feelings by calling the team unsportsmanlike. They are a professional team and value their reputation highly.

I assumed this was about children playing, but her reference to them being professional makes me wonder if they are career players? Either way, team A need to broach concerns through proper channels (esp if career progression depends on it) and take up their concerns with the ref /game officials.

RightOnTheEdge · 18/10/2021 13:24

YANBU. I wouldn't apologise.
Team A's behaviour sounds appalling but if other parents have the same attitude as your friend then I can see where the kids get it from.
Do you think she is jealous of your friendship with Belle?

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2021 13:25

@DysmalRadius

I've had a text off Anna this morning which says I've really hurt her feelings by calling the team unsportsmanlike. They are a professional team and value their reputation highly.

I assumed this was about children playing, but her reference to them being professional makes me wonder if they are career players? Either way, team A need to broach concerns through proper channels (esp if career progression depends on it) and take up their concerns with the ref /game officials.

Guarantee it’s kids and over involved parents. The op included.
Ponoka7 · 18/10/2021 13:25

I think that they did the right thing by leaving. It sounds as they tempers were flaring and there would have been arguments while having food. If an official complaint is going in, they wasn't about to just drop it. You could have given an opinion while staying neutral.
It doesn't really matter what anyone thinks, it's happened. I'd smooth it over, you aren't directly affected.

LampBookPicture · 18/10/2021 13:25

Friend A is absolutely ridiculous and is setting a poor example to her son. As the great Nigel Owens would say: "this is not soccer"

edwinbear · 18/10/2021 13:26

Very poor form in rugby to dispute the ref like that, and the post match behaviour was also not at all in keeping with the sport and the expected conduct of players.

AmyDudley · 18/10/2021 13:26

I assume since they are in a professional team then everyone involved is grown up. But they all seem to be behaving rather childishly. I agree with your opinion. You accept the refs opinion even if it is wrong - with the understanding that in the long run these injustices/ mistakes generally even out over the course of time - swings and roundabouts.
Going into the other dressing room and trading insults, refusing to attend the after -do all very silly IMO.

Sounds as if your friend is a bit over involved, her son has probably forgotten about it by now. I would tell her that it seems a daft thing to fall out over, you are sorry she is upset but you were only expressing an opinion, and that true friends can disagree without falling out.

dogsvcats · 18/10/2021 13:27

I don't know why Belle has been brought into it. I've not even spoken to her about it and I didn't mention her in the conversation yesterday. They aren't friends and are quite different people on opposing ends of the majority of opinions. I suspect she feels that me saying A were unsportsmanlike is an indication of what she feels as me moving more towards Belle's circle of views.

As far as I could make our from Anna's DS, Team B did not agree they had conceded a penalty and indeed heavily disputed it. He was quite proud of himself for "giving them grief" after the game. I wasn't at the game so have no idea if they did / did not.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 18/10/2021 13:28

Sounds like team A is the type of team where the parents think it’s fine to abuse refs and players. They need to learn to respect the referee before their club gets a very bad reputation.

WaltzingBetty · 18/10/2021 13:29

@lifeturnsonadime

Well it is unsportsmanlike not to accept the referees decision so YADNBU, I'm not sure what your friendship with the parent of a (presumably child) on the other team has to do with it either?
This. You're entitled to an opinion and Anna shouldn't take that as a personal criticism or 'taking sides' in a friendship

She sounds very immature if she expects her friends to have exactly the same opinion as her at all times.

I'd message back saying that you weren't taking anyone's side, simply expressing your own opinion on sportsmanship and you're sorry that she's upset, but because you value your longstanding friendship you thought you could be honest and understand that you can still respect each other's viewpoints even if you don't agree.

Stickyblue1987 · 18/10/2021 13:36

How old are the 'kids' as you mention they're a professional team?

MatildaIThink · 18/10/2021 13:44

They were unsportsmanlike, in rugby it does not matter if you disagree with the ref, you respect the decision, and you leave the disagreements on the pitch. If anything Team A are more likely to get sanctioned for unsportsmanlike behaviour than the ref get any comeback.

dogsvcats · 18/10/2021 13:48

The DSs are 16/17.

They aren't a professional team in that they are paid or anything like that, but its a large club, the adult section has a lot of success, they have an academy, and in terms of the league they are up there if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 18/10/2021 13:50

It certainly sounds like Ann is in the wrong, but at I've just recently decided that some friends are worthy of being treated like family in that, no matter how annoying and wrong they can be at times, the friendship is more important than being right.

MrsRobbieHart · 18/10/2021 13:53

Urgh. Sounds like a festering pot of toxic masculinity. Egos fighting for their food.

Insert1x20p · 18/10/2021 13:58

Refs are human and make mistakes/miss things. Sometimes it’s in your favour and sometimes it isn’t. Such is life. Team A did not acquit themselves well.

Getyourownback · 18/10/2021 13:59

Anna is wrong. Do not apologise, or if you do, make it one of those ones that is “I’m sorry you feel that way…”

She sounds like she’s way too invested in the son’s club and is one of those people who would adorn her car with the bumper sticker of the club and probably the private school her son attended. If she can’t cohesively explain the rules of the game and why Team B allegedly conceded a penalty, then she should probably leave it and not make a tit of herself and ruin a long-standing friendship into the bargain.

Thehop · 18/10/2021 14:00

“I’m very surprised at this. At no point had my friendship with belle been relevant to the opinion I expressed yesterday and at no point have I chosen sides. I merely said that I felt the team would have been better sports to have stayed for the after match get together as usual. I’m sorry the boys are disappointed, I can see how frustrating it must be but I stand by my opinion. Your reaction is not at all what I’d expect from such a good friend and I hope you’re okay. I’m here for you if you need a chat. “

Angrynellie · 18/10/2021 14:00

Unsportsmanlike, and it’s completely irrelevant who you have been friends with longer.

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