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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is overreacting. It WAS bad sportsmanship and not to apologise

115 replies

dogsvcats · 18/10/2021 13:04

So I have 2 friends, both who have DSs the same age but they play for different rugby clubs about 1 hour apart. Ill call them Anna and Belle for ease. Anna's DS plays for club A and Belle's DS for club B. The 2 clubs played each other at the weekend in a league game.

Anna and I were best friends at school. I am godparent to her DS. However, I now live closer to Belle and it was at Bs ground where the game took place. Anna arranged to meet me mid afternoon as she was down for the game and said it would be nice to call in. She actually ended up ringing me and asking if I could meet earlier as they hadn't stayed at the club as long as she originally planned. No problem.

Team B won, with only a couple of points in it. However apparently in the dying seconds of the game Team B did a penalty which was missed by the ref. They then kicked the ball out of play resulting in the game being over and Team B winning. Team A were furious, and some players appealed to the ref but he apparently told them to shut up. If he had awarded the penalty and they had got the kick in they would have won. Some of the players got a bit heated with the ref until their coach intervened.

Normally both teams would get changed and head into the club house for food, award man of the match and do a polite thanks for having us. Anna obviously expected that to happen initially. Instead Team A were complaining about the ref in the changing rooms, kept going into to Team B and calling them cheaters and have told Team B that they are going to put in an official complaint against the ref. They then got changed and left immediately which is why she was early to meet me.

My DS also plays rugby (although for Team C) and I said I thought that was a bit poor in terms of sportsmanship. We've all been there when a games decisions haven't gone your way but that they should have sucked it up and gone to do the after game nonsense anyway. If they then wanted to complain about the ref that's a separate issue. She got shockingly offended and when I wouldn't take it back actually stormed out the cafe.

I've had a text off Anna this morning which says I've really hurt her feelings by calling the team unsportsmanlike. They are a professional team and value their reputation highly. She'd also hurt I would take Belle's side which is a relatively new friendship over our longstanding one. It is apparently making her reconsider our friendship but would accept my apology ..

Part of me thinks to just apologise to keep the peace but the other part of me thinks they were bloody unsportsmanlike and if having a different opinion to her is enough to make her reconsider the friendship means its not much of a friendship!

So AIBU to say sorry she is upset but not sorry for my opinion.

OP posts:
DarlingFell · 18/10/2021 16:03

This sounds like the sort of bollocks that goes on in boys' football teams, not rugby, 'a hooligan's game played by gentlemen'. Clearly, on this occasion, it was hooligans playing Hmm

Cam77 · 18/10/2021 16:04

I wouldn’t have given my opinion if I wasn’t there to see what happened and my friend was, reasonably or no, angry or upset about the result of the game on behalf of her son. That said, her reaction seems WAY over the top.

Basically, you could do with honing your EQ a bit and she could do with a massive chill pill.

Viviennemary · 18/10/2021 16:05

But it's nothing to do with you. If there was cheating and the referee ignored it then the parents should complain. Why are you involved. It seems a bit mad.

frumpety · 18/10/2021 16:14

It sounds as though Team A aren't used to losing. I can't believe their coaches allowed them to flounce off after the game like that either, or did only some of the players flounce ?

billy1966 · 18/10/2021 16:18

I think Team A behaved appallingly.

I have zero tolerance for arguing with the referee.

There is far too much of it.

Of course Team A were disappointed, it is disappointing to lose such a tight game, but these things happen, annoying as they are.

As for Ann, she needs to get over herself.

I would be reconsidering my friendship with someone who would support such awful behaviour.

I know of a couple of referee's in their 20's who gave up reffing junior matches because of the behaviour of some parents and they couldn't be arsed with the aggro involved.

Lots of teams lose and can behave themselves.

I wouldn't bother replying.

Give her lots of space to calm down and cop on.

I certainly wouldn't be apologising.

She sounds like very hard work.

I say this as a parent that spents a lot of weekends on the sidelines watching my children win and being well beaten too.

Being beaten is a part of sport.

MargaretThursday · 18/10/2021 16:26

If they kicked the ball out of play to waste time and prevent the other team winning, then that in itself was bad sportsmanship.

You also do not know if this is the last straw in the match as you weren't there.

Thing is that (as a tennis player) sometimes you come across bad calls/play. Most of the time you mutter briefly to your partner, and accept that mistakes happen. And it averages out over the match.
It's when it becomes again and again that it starts both effecting the result, and tempers flare.
Yes, you do get adults who will call the ball out as it lands a good 6" inside the line, and yes, you get adults who will refuse to play on because they are incorrectly claiming the score, even when their partner is disagreeing with them. It's embarrassing.
Most of the time you roll your eyes and get on anyway. Occasionally it gets to the point the most even-tempered person will not ignore it.

I have one club that I try to avoid playing because their attitude and cheating is unpleasant. They argue the score, call your balls out, challenge your line calls, sulk if they lose, complain about the court/weather/lighting/the hands on the opponent's watch... it's no fun for anyone.

BigYellowHat · 18/10/2021 16:37

Rugby can get like this, my DS played it for many years. One memorable occasion, a dad stormed the pitch and punched a 16 year old lad in the face Hmm The other parents were fuming and the RFU weren’t best pleased. This was all over a penalty too.

Tal45 · 18/10/2021 16:38

I would just reply 'I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings I would hate to fall out over a game of rugby especially when I didn't even see it!' and leave it at that.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 18/10/2021 16:57

You're the kid's godmother. At best, you're supposed to be supportive of their developing Christian/Catholic faith from infancy - not leading the 2nd XV in a football terrace style rendition of Who's the Bastard in the Black?

Let her stew on her bad sportsmanship. The sportsmanship that has obviously been taught to their kids, going by their poor behaviour as well.

Heifer · 18/10/2021 17:00

Sounds like Anne is massively over invested in a sport she didn't take part in. It can hurt though when you truely believe you've been wronged - refs do cheat sometimes and it stings (especially when they are the home team refs and not appointed by league etc - not sure how rugby works but in hockey usually each team supplies 1 umpire (although this season home team are providing both - unless you play high enough to get league appt neutral umpires. I can tell you SOME umpires do cheat, they will do anything for their team to win, it's hard to suck that up and go and eat teas with the oppo when you know it's happened - but you do have to try unless you believe it will just make matters worse, in which case you politely decline the offer of teas and leave before someone worse happens.

No idea why a grown women would take offence at what you said though - if it was me I would have said, look normally I would agree with you but you didn't see it and we really believed we were cheated. No need to fall out over it. No need for you to apologise either though...

tigger1001 · 18/10/2021 17:01

I would be backing away from
The friendship if I was expected to agree with everything she said.

It does sound like bad sportsmanship. Refs make bad decisions all the time. They are human and sometimes these things happen quickly and they just didn't see it. But that's no excuse to continue to berate them after the game and calling the other team cheaters when they disagree over the penalty kick is immature and bad sportsmanship.

UltimateBugKilla · 18/10/2021 17:05

Sounds absolutely ridiculous to me!

In sport sometimes things go in your favour, sometimes they go in the other teams favour.

Team A were unsportsmanlike in their behaviour, shes taken your comment to an extreme.

Would be crazy to fall out over a 'friendly' rugby match!

massistar · 18/10/2021 17:13

DS also plays Youth Rugby. There are always decisions that go against you. The ref can't see everything and there's no TMO! Very bad form of team A. Rugby is very much about leaving it all behind after 80 minutes and shaking hands even on the days when it's through gritted teeth.

Anna sounds rather over invested.

Wtfdoipick · 18/10/2021 17:17

Does it matter if the ref made a bad call and the op only had Anna's comment that it was, however running in and out of the other changing room calling them cheats is absolutely bad sportsmanship irrespective of what happened before.

Op you did nothing wrong and I'd be reassessing the friendship I sure as hell wouldn't be apologising for saying the truth.

BoredZelda · 18/10/2021 17:48

16/17????? Having been involved in rugby for several years, I'm shocked that this kind of attitude was tolerated.

Very surprising the coach allowed any of this to happen.

FunnyInjury · 18/10/2021 17:56

Probably RL, definitely seen some over invested parents giving grief to refs over the years. Never in the bigger more professional clubs though, certainly never at academy level.
Bizarre of friend A to be so weird, it's usually all blown over by the time the food is served ime.

thing47 · 18/10/2021 18:20

If they kicked the ball out of play to waste time and prevent the other team winning, then that in itself was bad sportsmanship.
Erm, this is how a rugby match ends, the team that are leading when time is up kicks the ball out of play. There's nothing about this that is bad sportsmanship. Honestly, why bother commenting if you don't know anything about the sport?

refs do cheat sometimes
Maybe, but OP didn't say this, she said that Team A believe the ref missed something that should have been a penalty. That's completely different, all refs miss things one or other of the teams think is a penalty, it happens all the time in rugby.

Parents need not to be so over-invested in their children's sport.

frumpety · 18/10/2021 19:12

It's a shame she met you so soon after the event, she was obviously still very much in the moment and wanted to vent.
Whilst I agree with you about the lack of sportsmanship shown by her sons team ( I am still a bit shocked that the team coaches allowed them all to flounce off like that ), sometimes it is better to just nod and make conciliatory gestures until the person has calmed down, we have all said stuff in the heat of the moment which in hindsight isn't where we end up opinion wise in the long run.

Honeyroar · 18/10/2021 19:44

And now she’s being over dramatic and unsportsmanlike storming out and bringing Belle into it! She needs to calm down! I’d not reply. She might be jealous of your friendship and the match might have been frustrating, but all this flouncing out of rugby clubs and cafés is OTT!

Stompythedinosaur · 18/10/2021 20:10

@Tal45

I would just reply 'I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings I would hate to fall out over a game of rugby especially when I didn't even see it!' and leave it at that.
I think this is very sensible advice.

Clearly you are right though!

BudrosBudrosGalli · 18/10/2021 20:20

Actually, Anna owes you an apology for attacking you and bringing your other friend into the situation. Longevity of friendships does not always equal closeness and quality. Anna does not respect you. She expects you to blindly agree and not have opinions different from yours. Fuck her!

BudrosBudrosGalli · 18/10/2021 20:21

*meant to say opinions different from hers. She sounds like a bit of a bully actually blowing up like that.

Dogsvcats · 18/10/2021 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledition · 18/10/2021 22:13

I do wonder if she was embarrassed because because knows it was a bit rubbish and that's why she doubled down. yes sounds like it but also sounds like an adult waaaaay too overinvested in a kids hobby. "We" decided to leave. "We're" not socialising with cheaters. There should be no "we" about it, very odd.

Heads up you've had a name change fail OP.

genericuserneeded · 18/10/2021 22:17

It all sounds very precious and OTT. There is more to life, no point falling out over this. The teens themselves will forget about this soon