Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think friend is overreacting. It WAS bad sportsmanship and not to apologise

115 replies

dogsvcats · 18/10/2021 13:04

So I have 2 friends, both who have DSs the same age but they play for different rugby clubs about 1 hour apart. Ill call them Anna and Belle for ease. Anna's DS plays for club A and Belle's DS for club B. The 2 clubs played each other at the weekend in a league game.

Anna and I were best friends at school. I am godparent to her DS. However, I now live closer to Belle and it was at Bs ground where the game took place. Anna arranged to meet me mid afternoon as she was down for the game and said it would be nice to call in. She actually ended up ringing me and asking if I could meet earlier as they hadn't stayed at the club as long as she originally planned. No problem.

Team B won, with only a couple of points in it. However apparently in the dying seconds of the game Team B did a penalty which was missed by the ref. They then kicked the ball out of play resulting in the game being over and Team B winning. Team A were furious, and some players appealed to the ref but he apparently told them to shut up. If he had awarded the penalty and they had got the kick in they would have won. Some of the players got a bit heated with the ref until their coach intervened.

Normally both teams would get changed and head into the club house for food, award man of the match and do a polite thanks for having us. Anna obviously expected that to happen initially. Instead Team A were complaining about the ref in the changing rooms, kept going into to Team B and calling them cheaters and have told Team B that they are going to put in an official complaint against the ref. They then got changed and left immediately which is why she was early to meet me.

My DS also plays rugby (although for Team C) and I said I thought that was a bit poor in terms of sportsmanship. We've all been there when a games decisions haven't gone your way but that they should have sucked it up and gone to do the after game nonsense anyway. If they then wanted to complain about the ref that's a separate issue. She got shockingly offended and when I wouldn't take it back actually stormed out the cafe.

I've had a text off Anna this morning which says I've really hurt her feelings by calling the team unsportsmanlike. They are a professional team and value their reputation highly. She'd also hurt I would take Belle's side which is a relatively new friendship over our longstanding one. It is apparently making her reconsider our friendship but would accept my apology ..

Part of me thinks to just apologise to keep the peace but the other part of me thinks they were bloody unsportsmanlike and if having a different opinion to her is enough to make her reconsider the friendship means its not much of a friendship!

So AIBU to say sorry she is upset but not sorry for my opinion.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 18/10/2021 14:06

If they are an academy team to a professional team then team A should be even more ashamed of their actions. Anna should give her head a wobble.

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2021 14:07

I think WaltzingBetty's reply is very diplomatic and covers all the angles appropriately. A friendship in which one party cannot disagree with the other's opinion isn't worth much, but hopefully a bit of time to cool off will help her to be a bit less bonkers about it all!

LisforLemon · 18/10/2021 14:07

I'd be inclined to reply with: "I'm sorry, I wasn't there and shouldn't really have passed." Then step back from friendship with this overdramatic loon...

Couldn't be doing with this... deffo team A were unsporting.

Tilltheend99 · 18/10/2021 14:15

Unless you actually saw the match I don’t think you could say definitively that one team or other was unsportsmanlike. Team B could have been for kicking the ball out etc but who knows. So does sound like you have inadvertently taken one side over the other. It does sound like your friend over reacted. Based on family who do rugby: Rugby families and rugby mums take the whole thing incredibly seriously. It’s a way of life for some people.

GurtBusty · 18/10/2021 14:16

Rugby players generally take the rough with the smooth. Bad decisions in most games, and with rugby, you don't question the referee (unlike football where it seems to be part of the spectator sport to barrack the ref). Extremely bad form for Team A to continue this after the match.

My son played at under 17/18 (Colts) - while emotions ran high during games (remember it's a very physical sport), players from both teams always had a drink and food after the game.

In the 8 years my son played youth rugby, I cannot recall a single instance where the opposition flounced off after the game - such poor form by Team A.

No apology required. Anna and Team A need to get over themselves.

friendlycat · 18/10/2021 14:17

I would be tempted to reconsider my friendship with Anna if she’s this ridiculous.

Beautiful3 · 18/10/2021 14:21

Your friend is being massively unreasonable, it was 100 percent unsportsman like. Sometimes bad decisions are made but you have to take it on the chin. Your friend is taking it rather personally and blowing it all out of proportion. I would text back, saying, " dont be silly, it's just a game. Bella and her mum have nothing to do with this. You and I will always be good friends x"

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 18/10/2021 14:30

It was bad sportsmanship. Some parents overly identify with their DCs' teams' successes and failures.
If this is out of character for Anna, is there something else going on? If my best friend reacted like that, I'd think there was an underlying issue. Either that she's insecure about the friendship and jealous of the new Belle friendship. Or that there is something else that's upsetting her and that she wanted to chat about but felt she couldn't because you were on the 'opposite' side about the game.
Of course she might just have been mortified and felt that you 'made' her defend an indefensible position. With the team putting in a formal complaint, she might have felt she couldn't deviate from the official line.

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2021 14:30

Blimey.

Either you’ve misrepresented the conversation and you were much more opinionated, or there’s another underlying reason she’s upset with you, and that’s to do with Belle. Have a think if you’ve drawn away/mentioned Belle a lot/there’s been another incident etc.

Because team A were absolutely unsportsmanlike and behaved pretty badly, really.

I’d just text back a ‘sorry you feel that way - I was actually really surprised by your reaction yesterday as it’s just my opinion. Obviously I wasn’t there so please don’t take it to heart. I’ve no idea how Belle feels about it, btw - I haven’t discussed it with her.’

ChickenyChick · 18/10/2021 14:30

I think it was poor of you you to get involved at all

It was poor of you to take the statements (her side of the story) of your new friend as "fact"

It was poor of you to accuse your friend's DS' team of "poor sportsmanship"

The one coming out of this looking bad is you tbh

Buffoonborisisatwat · 18/10/2021 14:32

don't respond or apologise, let it cool down and have a chat in a month or so. Do you think there is something else going on with Anna that she would be so touchy about something so trivial?

JudgeJ · 18/10/2021 14:32

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

I thought you were going to say unsportman like behaviour of team B. If they knew they had done something which was a penalty, they should have told the ref.
Really? I can just imagine that happening at Twickenham, Eden Park etc., it's known as You win some you lose some! Sporting events are littered with similar stories since the start of time.
NoSquirrels · 18/10/2021 14:34

@ChickenyChick

I think it was poor of you you to get involved at all

It was poor of you to take the statements (her side of the story) of your new friend as "fact"

It was poor of you to accuse your friend's DS' team of "poor sportsmanship"

The one coming out of this looking bad is you tbh

This isn’t right, tho.

As I read it, OP says she discussed it with Friend A, who was on the losing team, in the cafe, as part of a normal conversation about her morning and why the meeting time got moved up.

She got all her facts from her friend that stormed off.

She wasn’t “getting involved” other than having a conversation with a friend.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 18/10/2021 14:37

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

I thought you were going to say unsportman like behaviour of team B. If they knew they had done something which was a penalty, they should have told the ref.
😂😂 Have you ever watched a match of rugby or football before? That's just not how things are done!
Pipsquiggle · 18/10/2021 14:38

Completely agree with @GurtBusty

Really surprised a rugby team would do this - loads of good teams lose matches - that's life

Team A were being very unreasonable and Anna is being a bit stupid to be honest

3luckystars · 18/10/2021 14:38

Did you actually see what happened with your own eyes?
If not then just say to her that you didn’t actually see anything and we’re spouting second had information and you are sorry if that offended her.
She probably thinks you are taking the other teams side so I would definitely clear that up and tell her you are on neither side as your son doesn’t even play for that team.
Good luck.

Pythonista · 18/10/2021 14:40

I presume the teams are very young? Under 10s?

NoSquirrels · 18/10/2021 14:41

Anna’s DS was with her in the cafe, yes?

I think she privately agreed with you, was a bit surprised and upset by her DS’s behaviour and the team’s reaction to losing, but felt she had to stick up for him in the face of criticism. And she’s pissed off about Belle as an underlying factor.

ohfourfoxache · 18/10/2021 14:44

She sounds too much like hard work

Not sure I could be bothered with the drama tbh

2Two · 18/10/2021 14:44

It was poor of you to take the statements (her side of the story) of your new friend as "fact"

But she was working solely on Anna's version, it's not as if she was taking Belle's version as fact. And Anna wasn't disputing the fact that Team A had had a hissy fit about the ref and refused to go to the after-games do. The difference wasn't about the facts, it was a matter of opinion about whether Team A's conduct was or was not unsporting.

OP, it could be interesting to ask what Team A's coach thought about it. If he knows his job he would have been disgusted at their conduct.

Pythonista · 18/10/2021 14:46

16/17????? Having been involved in rugby for several years, I'm shocked that this kind of attitude was tolerated.

Sounds like both teams need to grow up and the parents need to butt out

BoredZelda · 18/10/2021 14:47

Sounds like the kind of story my daughter would tell me about her friends falling out. Who cries about people not “taking it back” and l’m right they ARE wrong” after they have left the school playground?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2021 14:48

What on earth does this have to do with you? Or 'Anna' or 'Belle'?

The ref makes the decisions. Tough shit if they don't like it. Sometimes they get it wrong. Hope this teaches the kids how to act like adults not spoilt children (which is how Anna and Belle are acting).

Sniv · 18/10/2021 14:53

I think she's being daft to stir up drama over a something as trivial as a children's game, but nothing good ever comes of making a negative comment, even indirectly, about someone's kid. So I would have been tempted to keep my opinion to myself regarding her kid's team's behaviour.

However, I think she's being directly rude to make accusations that you are 'taking sides' - suggesting that you don't have a genuine opinion of your own, and are just deciding based on who you want to suck up to. Does she really expect you to always agree with her because she was your friend first? I'm not sure how a friendship can work on those terms.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 18/10/2021 14:54

Your friend 'Anna' is being very unreasonable and defending quite unsportsmanlike behaviour.

They 16/17 year old rugby players showed a distinct lack of sportsmanship and class when they continued to harass the referee after the game and then carried on harassing the other team in the locker rooms after the game. They were well out of order.

Anna should have been pulling her teenager up on such poor behaviour, not defending it, let alone excusing it. There are procedures to make complaints about referring; that wasn't it.

You were perfectly entitled to say what you said as you did. And frankly, Team A carrying on as they did may well get them into trouble with the league now if Team B files a formal complaint about their intimidating, unsportsmanlike behaviour.