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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend is overreacting. It WAS bad sportsmanship and not to apologise

115 replies

dogsvcats · 18/10/2021 13:04

So I have 2 friends, both who have DSs the same age but they play for different rugby clubs about 1 hour apart. Ill call them Anna and Belle for ease. Anna's DS plays for club A and Belle's DS for club B. The 2 clubs played each other at the weekend in a league game.

Anna and I were best friends at school. I am godparent to her DS. However, I now live closer to Belle and it was at Bs ground where the game took place. Anna arranged to meet me mid afternoon as she was down for the game and said it would be nice to call in. She actually ended up ringing me and asking if I could meet earlier as they hadn't stayed at the club as long as she originally planned. No problem.

Team B won, with only a couple of points in it. However apparently in the dying seconds of the game Team B did a penalty which was missed by the ref. They then kicked the ball out of play resulting in the game being over and Team B winning. Team A were furious, and some players appealed to the ref but he apparently told them to shut up. If he had awarded the penalty and they had got the kick in they would have won. Some of the players got a bit heated with the ref until their coach intervened.

Normally both teams would get changed and head into the club house for food, award man of the match and do a polite thanks for having us. Anna obviously expected that to happen initially. Instead Team A were complaining about the ref in the changing rooms, kept going into to Team B and calling them cheaters and have told Team B that they are going to put in an official complaint against the ref. They then got changed and left immediately which is why she was early to meet me.

My DS also plays rugby (although for Team C) and I said I thought that was a bit poor in terms of sportsmanship. We've all been there when a games decisions haven't gone your way but that they should have sucked it up and gone to do the after game nonsense anyway. If they then wanted to complain about the ref that's a separate issue. She got shockingly offended and when I wouldn't take it back actually stormed out the cafe.

I've had a text off Anna this morning which says I've really hurt her feelings by calling the team unsportsmanlike. They are a professional team and value their reputation highly. She'd also hurt I would take Belle's side which is a relatively new friendship over our longstanding one. It is apparently making her reconsider our friendship but would accept my apology ..

Part of me thinks to just apologise to keep the peace but the other part of me thinks they were bloody unsportsmanlike and if having a different opinion to her is enough to make her reconsider the friendship means its not much of a friendship!

So AIBU to say sorry she is upset but not sorry for my opinion.

OP posts:
jollygreenpea · 18/10/2021 14:55

You weren't taking sides, you made an opinion based on what you were told, as have all the people that have read this thread.

If Anna want's to be ridiculous that's up to her, you have no need to apologise.

edwinbear · 18/10/2021 14:56

16/17????? Having been involved in rugby for several years, I'm shocked that this kind of attitude was tolerated

I completely agree, DD's u10's coach would have given them all a good talking to if they behaved like this at a match.

JumperandJacket · 18/10/2021 14:57

You all sound a bit over-involved. I would want to pull back from the whole thing. There's no need for you to respond or opine on whether it was unsporting as you weren't there. Just give it a few weeks and then get back in touch with your friend about something else.

ImUninsultable · 18/10/2021 15:00

My boys play rugby. They're 8 and 10 years old. This kind of behaviour just isnt tolerated at our club. Even at their age, they are very clearly told by their coaches to stop if they start any kind of nonsense. It goes all the way up the club. They just dont let their players behave like that.

Team A should be ashamed. It was unsportsman like. Anna needs to grow up.

We've all had a bad call against us, we've all had a chance missed by a ref. Its swings and roundabouts. You just dont behave like that after. Not in rugby.

4merlyknownasSHD · 18/10/2021 15:05

I used to referee Mini & Junior rugby. I have also watched many other games of M&J rugby. Referees are human, we make mistakes (and are unpaid, doing it for the love of the game). As for the players, they are always taught to 'play to the whistle'. If the ref doesn't see something then that is tough. It even happens at international level (although less so as they have assistant referees mikes up to the ref). If the boot had been on the other foot, would Team 'A' have voluntarily offered Team 'B' the penalty? I doubt it.

I know of one school (X) a few years ago who lost a major semi-final match because of a dangerous incident by the other side (Y) that the ref DID pick up. If he had not picked it up, play would have continued and school X would have won and progressed to the national final at Twickenham. That is life.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/10/2021 15:10

Yep, play to the whistle, if Team A forgot that and then sulked that's their problem.

I'd also say is there anything else going on with you & Anna? She sounds so stroppy perhaps it's just a cover for something else, maybe simple jealousy of B.

thing47 · 18/10/2021 15:12

If international teams can leave what happened on the pitch, on the pitch, and go for a drink together afterwards, I'm pretty sure a team of teenagers playing in local league should be able to do the same.

So Team A were definitely being unsportsmanlike, and it sounds as if Anna takes her DS's rugby more seriously than perhaps she should. As pp have said, if an old friend's passing comment caused her such upset she must be a bit of drama queen.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 18/10/2021 15:14

Did Anna ask for your opinion about the game? If not then I would have kept my mouth shut. It had nothing to do with you and you didn't need to put in your two pennies' worth. Even if she'd asked I would have been determinedly trying to not express a negative opinion about the sportsmanship or otherwise of her son's team (or of your other friend's son's team come to that). "I'm sorry it didn't go well today" would have been about as far as I'd go.

Kanaloa · 18/10/2021 15:19

I’m surprised at their age. From the after match behaviour, running in and out of changing rooms saying ‘you cheated’ blah blah and the over involvement of all these mums I presumed it was kids aged about 8-12.

Anyway just shrug it off. Let her cool off then say let’s not talk about rugby, I wasn’t at the game so was just saying my opinion.

JapanJetplane · 18/10/2021 15:20

Everyone is too invested in this tbh.

What’s more important to you - your longstanding friendship with the mother of your godson, or being right in respect of a spat amongst your kids that you weren’t even involved in?

If it’s the former, apologise and move on.

Derbee · 18/10/2021 15:22

It’s bad sportsmanship to refuse to accept the refs decision. Even worse to abuse the ref and the other team. Team A have acted badly. Anna is also acting badly.

If she’s genuinely going to get so wound up and fall out with a friend over a child’s sport, will you miss her friendship anyway?

I’d reply and say “Team A acted badly. I’m sure the coaches will explain to them that they need to put it behind them. I’m not apologising, and I don’t want to fall out with you over such a silly thing. If you feel you want to fall out, that’s up to you.”

AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2021 15:23

@Bluntness100

How odd for grown ups to fall out like this over their kids sports.

Really I suggest you all grow up and let the kids deal with it.

tbf the OP didn't do anything except give her opinion when asked about it and friend B wasn't involved at all as far as I can see, her only crime seems to be having a son on the opposite team?
mountbattenbergcake · 18/10/2021 15:24

I would have kept right out of this one, as I would have no idea if there would have been a penalty awarded.

You got involved unnecessarily.

2bazookas · 18/10/2021 15:36

Here's a teacup. Useful for conducting storms.

SalmonEile · 18/10/2021 15:44

I think Anna just want to rant about the situation and expected you to say “yeah that ref must be a real idiot , your DS was robbed poor you have another biscuit dear”
But because you didn’t and called the situation as it was told to you she’s just assuming it’s because of your friendship with Belle and nothing to do with the fact you’d probably have said the same if it was some random team you don’t know anyone on.

She either feels very strongly about rugby or is insecure about your friendship

Weepingwillows12 · 18/10/2021 15:46

I agree it's unsportsmanlike and Anna's reaction is over the top. it isn't ok to take your frustrations with the ref out on the other team. Why do you think she reacted so oddly? You were right but is it worth losing a friend.

ODFOgrinch · 18/10/2021 15:50

Sounds more like football than Rugby.
Team A should apologise to the ref and get a ticking off from the league.
Ridiculous behaviour.

And your friend Anna is mad as a box of frogs!

HarrietsChariot · 18/10/2021 15:51

You chose to weigh in with your opinion so you are partly to blame for this situation.

Ultimately without having seen the incident nobody can judge whether Team A or Team B are at fault, if either. If the penalty was for something unacceptable like biting or stamping on another player's head, I think Team A have the right to be aggrieved at their opponents and the referee. If the penalty was a debatable forward pass or marginal offside then Team A are losers in every sense.

RedHelenB · 18/10/2021 15:51

As you weren't at the game I'dhave just made sympathetic noises but not got involved by giving my opinion on something I'd not witnessed.

AnEpisodeOfEastenders · 18/10/2021 15:51

Really surprised you're talking about rugby, if it was football I could understand. In rugby they're taught to respect the referee and their decision or you get penalised. They had a decision go against them, they lost the game. They've probably played games when a decision has gone in their favour as well.

Chloemol · 18/10/2021 15:52

I would point out you are entitled to your own opinion but apologise if she is upset by that fact

Clandestin · 18/10/2021 15:53

@RedHelenB

As you weren't at the game I'dhave just made sympathetic noises but not got involved by giving my opinion on something I'd not witnessed.
Or ‘Anything sports-related makes me glaze over. Why don’t we talk about something more interesting?’
sunglassesonthetable · 18/10/2021 15:55

Wow she sounds a PITA.

The ref is always right even if he's wrong.

And this is KIDS rugby. 🙄

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/10/2021 16:02

Oh but I LOVE a good sports-related debate! There's no way I would be able to not have my say.
It's alright for grown-ups to be invested in children's sport, as long as they don't take it to ridiculous lengths.

Poachedeggs1 · 18/10/2021 16:03

I think the real issue is your friend Anna is jealous of your friendship with Belle. Anna is being completely unreasonable and has taken this far too seriously. Doesn’t matter how good a team is, at the end of the day it’s kids playing sport and parents who get involved like this do more harm than good. Kids need to learn from upsets and disappointment in order to have the mental strength to come back stronger. You have no reason to apologise, your opinion was valid and correct imo. She sounds like hard work and is behaving like a petulant teenager.

Please don’t back down and apologise, she needs to realise that not everyone will agree with her and it’s also ok for friends to disagree on things. Let her stew over it and in a few days I’m sure she’ll be embarrassed by her behaviour.